cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jim gaffigan. Cristela alonzo. And musical guest the Avett Brothers. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody good to see you. How are you . Nice to see you. Thanks for being here. Hey, everybody good to see you cheers and applause cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Hey, everybody so nice to have you here. Im you host, Stephen Colbert. cheers lets see, lets see. How was your day . Whats in the news . Whats in the news . Whats going on . El chapo is el screwedo. laughter what else . Oh, amazon dash has got these things, amazon has these dash buttons online so its easier to order. Thats a whole new world. Jon yeah, like alexa and all that. Stephen playoffs are this weekend, i guess. Oh, oh, theres this one thing. If youre waking up from a coma bad timing, first of all. laughter donald trump has been sworn in as president of the United States. audience boos i know, i know. I know, listen, listen, were just as confused as you are, and weve been awake this whole time. Of course, this is trump, okay. Even though hes president , he loves to tweet and Inauguration Day is no different. He tweeted wait, im sorry. Im sorry. That was from obamas 2012 election. My apologies. He feels pretty good about this one for some reason. At the actual inaugural, trump made a bold entrance with a tie the length of an aircraft carrier. laughter that is that is a lot of red tie. That is make america tie again i think is the motto. laughter he looks like the underbelly of a rainbow trout. But the thing is, this is what happens whenever the president of the United States wears at the inaugural tends to set the fashion tone for men for the next four years. J. F. K. Famously did not wear a hat, so men just stopped wearing hats in the 1960s. So, in honor of our new president. cheers and applause cheers and applause its very handy. Its very handy. You can use it for all sorts of things, like you could use it to hide an erection, for instance, which i will not have for four years now. applause lets see, lets see, lets see. On oh, Hillary Clinton was there. That was so nice of her to actually be there. Dont you think . cheers and applause that was really big of her to be there. It could not have been easy to leave her squirrel friends back in the forest. laughter here she is this is her making small talk with president bush. I actually got more votes than he did. Yeah, like gore. Now, if laughter applause jon cold blooded stephen did you guys watch it . Did you guys watch it this afternoon . It was like if it seemed a little dark in the capitol, it was either because it was overcast or because Michelle Obama was throwing so much shade. cheers and applause cheers and applause jon im so cold stephen still, she looked beautiful. She looked fantastic in that red dress. Jon yeah, that was incredible. Stephen it was amazing. Meanwhile, melania looked stunning in her sky blue, ralph lauren headtransportation device. laughter im so sorry the rest of her couldnt make it. I was so sorry. But, of course, the fashion star of the day was counselor to the president , kellyanne conway. And i would describe that look as nutcracker who came to life, but only got halfway there. laughter cheers and applause now if you look closely this is true her buttons are actually little angry cat heads. Very bold for her to wear pussies that close to the new president. laughter and applause jon oh oh oof stephen the podium today held four of our previous president s, and it was inspiring to see our next four president s all marching in together. Jon wow stephen now, right off the top, the reverend Samuel Rodriguez got things started with a stirring invocation. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the earth. Stephen yes, the humble will inherit the earth. People who brag a lot get the United States of america. And, my man, Timothy Cardinal dolan, of course, quoted solomon. From your glorious throne, dispatch her that she may be with us and work with us that we may grasp what is pleasing to you. Stephen yes, that we may grasp what is pleasing to you. laughter applause i believe that is the same prayer trump said to billy bush on that bus. cheers and applause let us grasp. Let us grasp. Let us grasp. What is pleasing. Now, there were some really nice moments today. Like after mike pence was sworn in, we were treated to a beautiful rendition of america the beautiful by the l. L. Bean catalogue. laughter then then, you really cant button your coat if your tie is this long. It looks like half of it is trying to escape out a back door. Then laughter can you tell im trying to delay this part of the monologue as long as possible . Then came the big moment. Donald trump taking the oath of office with his hand on lincolns bible. And i have been assured that it was consensual. So thats it. Donald trump is president. He knows the launch codes. And he hasnt tweeted them yet. So so far, so good. Then, of course got to stay hopeful. Little things. Little victory. Then it was time for the speech. Okay, there were some nice things about it. It was short, and it opened on a gracious note. People of the world, thank you. Stephen and the world said, hey, man, do not pin this on us. laughter we didnt vote. We did not nothing to do with it. Were clean were clean applause trump had a message about the gridlock of washington. That is the past, and now we are looking only to the future. Stephen so dont ask about my tax returns ever again, okay, future. Future. Then, and then, like lincoln huffing paint thinner, this stirring orator invoked an inspiring picture of the country he now leads. Americas infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay, mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape, our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge. Stephen wow. That is really and the crime and the gangs, and the drugs. Stephen okay, okay. Are you done . Because i think that the one thing american carnage. Stephen we get it we get it the country is a turd storm. You said all of that during the campaign. You can stop now. He knows he won, right . Putin must have told him. cheers and applause jon oh stephen just give it up the inauguration, of course, also included the timehonored tradition of talking about how the former president sucks, while obama and biden had to sit there as helpless as a damp russian mattress. cheers and applause jon hes going to put it out there like that hes going to put it out there, yall. Stephen ill tell you, i really feel bad for joe biden. He got so upset he turned into a jeff dunham puppet. laughter trump then dedicated his administration to his biggest supporters. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. Stephen yes, the Trump Administration will never forget great americans like buddy, here, and chief, and big guy and my African American over there. Ill never, youre always then the 45th president of the United States hammered home one of his Biggest Campaign promises. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work rebuilding our country with american hands and american labor. Stephen yes, he is clearly already getting americans back to work, because heres the mall when obama was inaugurated in 2009. And here it is for trump today. cheers and applause i mean, all i can figure cheers and applause jon thats it. Thats how it goes. Stephen all i can figure is that nobody could get the day off. Theyre all working. Either thats a lot of empty space, or that crowd is even whiter than i thought. laughter and applause jon oh stephen i mean, there were there were big, empty spaces in the crowd, or as trump called them, the most least people ever. The greatest most fantastic lack of attendance in american history. Youre not going to believe how many people didnt show up. And trump pledged to repair the countrys infrastructure. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. Stephen yes, roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways so many ways to flee the country. laughter and applause cheers but but after spending the bulk of his inaugural address talking about what a Dumpster Fire america is and blaming everyone on the stage, trump called for unity. When america is united, america is totally unstoppable. Stephen okay, so right now, totally stoppable. And after the speech, reverend Franklin Graham delivered the benediction. In the e, sig of gods blessing. And it started to rain, mr. President , when you came to the platform. Stephen yeah, ive read the bible. Blessings not exactly how noah took it. cheers and applause yes. Jon hey, thats a different story. Stephen bless you. And the lord said, you better build a boat, because im going to bless the hell out of this place. So here we are. Its really happening. Donald trump is officially the president of the United States, which means there are now all sorts of new sentences you can actually say and mean like the president of the United States was in home alone 2. laughter i always thought id be saying that on the first day of president pescis administration. The president of the United States has met with dozens of world leaders, and also the grimace. And, i sure miss george w. Bush. cheers and applause we have a great show for you tonight. Jim gaffigan is here stick around. Ready . Action. Deck the halls oh yes we bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. This new day looks nothing like yesterday. Trails are covered. Paths arent what they used to be. Roads nowhere to be found. and its exactly what youre looking for. and its exactly what youre looking for. Like when you finally get it mahome from the storeeasy. But forgot that one thing. Just say, hey google, buy dog food. It knows that was a disaster, and this ones you fav. And while youre doing that, it can do this okay. Ordered coffee. And when you dont want to share everything with your family. [sneezing] reordering gummy vitamins. And you even get free delivery from here here here and lots of other places with google express. Google home and google home mini, now starting at 29. cough its just a cough. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin soothes in seconds and delivers fast, powerful cough relief for hours. giggling robitussin dm max. Because its never just a cough. New ultimate surf turf event. And that means five mouthwatering pairings to choose from. Like our new feast with lobsterwrapped scallops and a juicy steak. Or a new lobster and seafoodtopped filet. Hurry in it ends december 31st. Take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more hurry in and get kohls cash for you short on time . Buy online and pick up free in store and starting thursday, stores are open 24 hours give joy, get joy at kohls. But this guy is in a hurry. This van is going, uh, i was in a hurry this morning. Barely had time for breakfast. Growl. Grumpy jacks gonna crash your crave hey guys. Try my country scrambler plate, with jimmy dean sausage, homestyle potatoes and scrambled eggs mixed with bacon, ham and cheese. Careful out there, jack, i heard theres some crazy driver in a van. laughing its him im talking about him try my brunchfast country scrambler plate with jimmy dean sausage. Crave van jon were not gonna take it anymore cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up louis cato thank you, louis. Beautiful. You know, jon, jon, did you did you get an invitation to the inaugural today . Jon no, i didnt get my invitation. Stephen i did not get mine, either. No, ive been waiting for mine. Jon yeah, ive been checking for it. It never came. Stephen never came either, damn u. S. Post office. You know who definitely got invited, though, every member of Congress Gets invited. Because, about 60 democratic lawmakers decided they werent going to go this year for various reasons their own personal reasons. cheers they did a bunch of different things. In fact, actually, the congressman for this district, where this theater is, jerry nadler actually didnt go. Jon wow, man. Stephen instead, instead, he actually came to the show today. Jerry nadler is right there. Hey, jerry cheers and applause good to see you. Good to see you always fun. Always nice to see you. Well, folks, my first guest tonight just released his fifth standup special. And like all of them theyre fantastic please welcome one of my favorite comedians, jim gaffigan cheers and applause keep on rockin in the free world keep on rockin in the free world stephen nice to see you. Good to be here. Stephen youre rockin a little bit of a different look right now. This is well, this is a mustache. Stephen i know what it is. Are you in the Witness Relocation Program . Im doing some porn. laughter stephen going back to your roots . Yeah, going back its not like i had enormous, high, self esteem, but i wanted to see how low i could go. This this is for an acting role, im going to be in fargo this season. Stephen oh, fantastic. applause i can buy you i can buy you as midwesterner. Stephen its a bit of a stretch. Quite a stretch. Play a white bread guy. Going to pull it off. I think i can pull it off. Stephen i think so, too. You know, one of the things that Everybody Loves about you, i think everybody likes your material i listen to it with my kids, you know, because i love it. They love it. Its not dirty. Its clean material, for the most part, and its not really political. Nobody can figure out you know, everybody thinks you agree with them, i bet. I think there is some of that. My material is clean because jesus told me to be clean. laughter stephen he told me to be clean, too, but, you know laughter i do think that, you know its weird. Because i mean, im grateful that a lot of different people come to my show, and i do sometimes think that they attribute their beliefs to me because i happen to be liberal, but i look like a republican senator from the 50s. laughter so i feel like people assume that im on their side. And i also maybe im a break from it, you know, a break from and theres people that do it much better than me. And, you know, im somebody who can talk about mini muffins. Stephen like nobody else, my friend, like nobody else. Thats art. Stephen you can make the mini muffins sing. Make it important. Stephen what about your kids . My kids. Stephen are your kids do they have political opinions . My kids have insane political opinions. Stephen you have five. I have five children. applause some people theres always some clapping and then the rest of them are like, well, you did it to yourself. laughter and i do have five kids. And its a lot of kids. Frankly, its too many. laughter stephen are you from a big family . Well, im one of six. My wife is one of nine. And its stephen im one of 11. One of 11. And its just i mean, i love my kids. Theyre theyre my group. But were less of a family. Were more of a mob. laughter you know, we literally i was in i was doing shows in london last weekend, and thats you know, how you want to deal with jet lag is with four kids under the age of 12. And i would bring my tired, sleepy, poorly behaved children into a restaurant, and the horror on the waitstaffs faces. I think i saw a waitress quit her job. laughter she looked at my children, took off her apron, threw it on the register, and walked out. Now, she could have been getting off her shift, but i like to think she quit and went home and hung herself. laughter because its its a lot. But thats my group. Thats stephen so in london, so how long were you guys over there with the kids . We were there for four days. Stephen what were the kids like . Did they go to the tower of london, things like that . We went to all the tourist sights, but i think my kids really enjoyed they loved the m m store and stephen i heard theyve got a good one. Theyve got a good one. And i tell you, as an american, seeing the m m store, it doesnt make me embarrassed to be an american. It makes me embarrassed to be a human. laughter because, i like m ms, but i never thought, when are they going to open an m m store. I dont know what the thinking is. Stephen isnt every store an m m store . Where cant you buy them . Exactly. Stephen you go to the antique store and say, ill take the couch, and do you have any m ms . Yeah, its like absolutely everywhere and theres three levels. Theres the first level for m ms, and then theres another level for m ms, and then theres a third level where i imagine is where they kill the people that go to the m m store. By the way, theres nothing wrong if you like going to the m m store but you shouldnt be allowed to vote. Lets be serious. Right . I mean, we have an age limit. laughter and applause stephen hold on, i want to talk about this right here. This is near and dear to my heart. You opened when the pope was here last year. Yes. Stephen or two years ago at this point, right . Its all a blur. Stephen a year and a half ago, he went to philly and you opened for the pope. I know, its crazy. Stephen what is it like to open for the pope . Did you have to do your standup in latin . I mean, its not like he was you know, im catholic, youre catholic. I mean, but im not a good catholic. Like, if there was a test for catholics, i would fail, you know. Stephen i think youre probably a better catholic than i am. But most catholics would fail, which is probably why theres not a test, you know. laughter the Catholic Church was like, look, weve lost too much people already. But i got to open for the pope. But he wasnt there when i was doing standup. Stephen he wasnt there, then what is this . This is you shaking hands with papa. And by the way, thats my motherinlaw, the mother of nine children. Shes like a shiite catholic, so she was very excited. Stephen and this guy back here . Thats juarez. Stephen this guy . Why is the salt bae guy behind the pope back there . He is, similar to me, a latin heartthrob. He is a famous latin laughter no, it was it was at in philadelphia, the festival