>> stephen: the show is going pretty well. people seem to like it. online i get likes from the tweets. >> i've seen the comments. that's called reverse trolling. people gang up on somebody, give them a lot of confidence, say they're great, say how much they love them and make it sound sincere, like i did earlier. see you later. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, trump. and the trumped up tax plan. plus, stephen welcomes steve martin, mark feuerstein. and a musical performance by steve martin and the steep canyon rangers. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you very much! thanks, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) now, ladies and gentlemen, you ever woken up and said to yourself, "what can i do-- even in my own small way-- to make rich people richer?" well, if the answer is never, then you didn't write donald trump's tax plan. ( laughter ) yesterday in indiana, the president revealed the plan and made a solemn promise -- >> i am doing the right thing. and it's not good for me. believe me. >> stephen: i believe you. ( laughter ) doing the right thing never seems to be good for donald trump. "okay, what do people like? racial equality and football. okay, how do i ruin both of those at once?" ( cheers and applause ) not sure what we're applauding for but i'm all for it. but it looks like trump is-- how should i put this? lying. because, based on the last trump tax return we know anything about, this plan "would have saved him $31 million in taxes." that's $31 million to himself. those are lotto numbers. i mean, that's not just powerball, that's "i'm in powerball." ( laughter ) even though the g.o.p. tax plan will benefit only the wealthy few, they're pitching it to everybody else. see if you can guess what group senate republicans are trying to court with this message from south carolina center tim scott >> i like to put it very simple -- we want to help you hashtag "keep yo' money." >> stephen: "keep yo' money," of course, was the catch phrase of the popular '90s show "yo! mtv tax." ( laughter ) it's not like senator scott is the only republican who could have delivered that message. they could have gone with the g.o.p.'s second most diverse senator, caucasian q. whitington iii. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but they already have him promoting the bill's original hashtag: "retain thy estate." ( laughter ) hey, remember how during the campaign, donald trump kept complaining about hillary clinton using a private email server for government work? that lock her up stuff? well, this week, we learned that at least six of president trump's closest advisers used private email addresses to discuss white house matters, including ivanka trump, and jared kushner. but of course, donald trump has no problem with this, now. i haven't seen trump go back on his word like this since he didn't build a border wall or repeal obamacare or give up his business or release his tax returns or never play golf. ( laughter ) he's flip-flopping so often ( cheers and applause ) nice to have donald trump fans here tonight. >> jon: they love him. >> stephen: he's flip-flopping so often, next sunday he's going to take a knee during the national anthem. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) yeah. and this private email thing could have legal ramifications because kushner didn't disclose the fact that he was using personal email to the senate intelligence committee. i get it. you want to save some things for the trial, just to keep it spicy. ( laughter ) snrmplets and, apparently, the committee is not pleased. they sent kushner a letter, instructing him to turn over all relevant documents from his personal email account as well as all other email accounts. bold and underlined. yeah. oh, yeah. yeah. they're whipping out the font on this guy. you bold and underlined. you only get results with the rough stuff. i hear down in gitmo, they use italics. yeah. even worse for jared, when his lawyer attempted to forward him the committee's letter, he accidentally sent it to a fake kushner account run by a prankster. ( laughter ) and that prankster is now in charge of the opiod crisis and middle east peace. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my goodness. >> stephen: now -- oh, there's big news out of the tweet-o-sphere this week because, did you hear? "twitter just doubled the character limit for tweets to 280." ( audience reacts ) they have to because, as shakespeare so famously said, "brevity is the soul of wit, but i got all these extra characters to fill! blah, blah, blah, blah. hashtag i'm really christopher marlowe." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) and like everything else in the world, this is about money. see, twitter's been around for 11 years, but the company has never turned a profit. but now it's fixed. if 140 characters earned you zero dollars, then 280 characters will double that! ( laughter ) that's just math. >> yeah. >> stephen: but here's the thing -- twitter is doing a slow rollout of this new increased character limit with a select group of users, and donald trump isn't in the test group. ( laughter ) oh! oh, no! >> jon: he's on there all the time! ( applause ) >> stephen: that is a huge diss! >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: that's our foreign policy! >> jon: that's the whole thing. >> stephen: that's his whole thing. trump and twitter go together like nazis and tiki torches. ( laughter ) but i think it's for the best. if trump had more than 140 characters, he could fit his message into one tweet, and then i'd miss the "dot, dot, dot; dot, dot, dot, dot, dot." those are the only parts that aren't lies. ( laughter ) ( applause ) lies. lies! ( piano riff ) >> jon: yes. >> stephen: but there's a lot on the president's plate right now -- his new tax plan, the crisis in puerto rico, the threat of nuclear war with north korea -- which is why he's staying focused on football. evidently, earlier this week, trump called dallas cowboys owner, jerry jones, four times in one day to talk about anthem stuff. "hey, jerry. don again. so what do you really think about the flag kneeling? oh, john kelly just walked in. uh, that's right, president of china jackie chan. that's my final offer, take it or leave it. aloha!" ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry about that. i had to read him the riot act. ( applause ) trump has called on the owners to fire players that protest, and he explained why that might be harder than you think. >> i have so many friends that are owners. they are in a box. i mean, i have spoken to a couple of them. they say, "we are in a situation where we have to do something." i think they're afraid of their players, you want to know the truth. >> stephen: yes, n.f.l. owners are afraid of their players. need proof? look at these owners. he's terrified. ( laughter ) the guy next to him has got gloves; he's going to strangle him. and look, this guy's praying for his life. ( laughter ) just about everyone you can think of is weighing in on the n.f.l. debate, and, yesterday, someone who you never think of did as well: '90s action star and jean-claude van damme's waterbed, steven seagal. ( laughter ) seagal showed up on a british morning talk show to discuss the matter. >> i believe that everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but i don't agree that they should hold the united states of america or the world hostage by taking a venue where people are tuning in to watch a football game and, you know, imposing their political views. i respect the american flag, and i myself have risked my life countless times for the american flag. >> stephen: yes! "risked his life countless times for the american flag." and sure, none of that was real, but then again, neither is his hair. ( laughter ) you know, i think there's more steven seagal could have said on this issue, and i intend to do it, right now. >> jon: whoo! get it together. oh, snap! oh, wow! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: these football players have the fans "under siege." they may think they're "above the law," but they may soon find themselves "on deadly ground." they'll find most americans are "out for justice," because they're feeling "under siege 2," -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: no! because they're feeling "under siege 2," the sequel. ( laughter ) and if these protestors don't like this country, they can feel free to challenge me to "mortal kombat." wait, was i in that? find out if i was in that. one thing's for sure, you mess with steven seagal, you're not only going straight to hell, you're going straight to dvd. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. steve martin is here. but when we return, awkward photos of beautiful celebrities, all for a good cause. stick around. ♪ steal the spotlight in the new stevie. right now, get up to 50% off all pants and jeans at old navy. ♪ sarah destroy.dent. but when it comes to mortgages, she's less confident. fortunately, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. and everyone's celebrating! but this year celebrate more responsibly. ...how much data did i use last night? what did i sign up for... hey jimmy, where's your iphone season spirit? be smart and get the new iphone 8 from sprint you'll get the best price for unlimited and network reliability within 1% of the other guys. works for me! it's an iphone season miracle!!! i'm going to sprint! celebrate at sprint the only way to get the new iphone 8 for $0 per month. plus, upgrade to the latest iphone anytime with iphone forever. whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. and all day all night protection. when it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. 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( cheers and applause ) jon -- >> jon: yes! >> stephen: -- jon, you know what's got me excited is we have the book here. we have a gentleman who brought a copy of the book with him, stephen colbert's midnight confessions. i'd like to tell that man, you and everybody watching that i'm proud to say the midnight confessions we just found out is now a "new york times" number one best seller. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it. there it is, man. you put it out. you put it out there. somebody's going to put it in there, and we did it. i just have one quick confession. that is not true. i have no idea how many people bought it, but i hope a lot of people do because it's a good book. it's a good book. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: and it was a good feeling when i said we did that and that's the world i want to live in, okay. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i have one other confession here is i also have an ice cream called stephen colbert's americone dream. if you haven't tasted it, you have to check it out. besides the fact you can never have too much dairy is the fact that all the money i receive from this goes to charity. the americone dream fund which we usually give away at the end of the year. the staff gets together, we figure out where it goes and last night nick kroll was on, promoting his new show "big mouth" about puberty, and he was asking celebrities to tweet awkward photos of themselves when they were teens with the hashtag #puberme. i don't have any awkward photos of my teen years, so instead i tweeted this suave guy. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. that's me when i was 13. "hey, ladies, who wants to hear me recite from the 'silmarillion?'" ( laughter ) in the moment when we were talking about it, i thought, as long as we're doing this hashtag, why not do some good here? it was a spur-of-the-moment idea-- and i had no idea how much money we had to give. ile challenge you to put out an awkward picture of yourself, i will make sure that the colbert americone dream fund will give money for i've which tweet to puerto rico relief. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: have a little fun. yeah. here's the thing, it was honestly a purr of the moment idea and i had no idea how much money we had to give so that's why before we broadcast last night, we actually lifted part of the interview out until i checked on the balance of the ice cream account. now that we've checked on it, i'll show you the part of the interview with nick we lifted because i asked nick to name how much i would donate per tweet of celebrity and this is what he said. how much money should go to each celebrity? >> a thousand dollars. >> stephen: jeez! ( laughter ) well, i talked to jesus and he's in. he's very generous. ( piano riff ) >> stephen: yep, and i'm all in. happy to announce that for every celebrity-- and again, i get to determine who's a celebrity-- who posts their awkward teen photo with the hashtag "puberme," and hashtag "puerto-rico-relief," the americone dream fund will donate $1,000. to the "one america appeal." we've already got some great entries from colbert-verified celebs. this actually came through today. here's sarah silverman, looking cooler during puberty than i do right now. ( laughter ) aidy bryant sent this one. i believe this was the yearbook where she was voted "most likely to become a thoughtful squirrel." ( laughter ) here's secret eats adam richman at his bar mitzvah. before that ceremony, he was still just a boy versus food. ( laughter ) i love this one. this is kumail nanjiani preparing for what i assume was his backstreet boys audition. ( laughter ) there was the cute one, the bad boy, and then kumail was "the one who always carries dice." ( laughter ) then there's the lovely and talented alison brie. this isn't a contest, but that's a winner. the headgear alone puts her in the top 1% of awkward. ( laughter ) so we're already into the tens of thousands here, which is fantastic. ( cheers and applause ) i want you celebrities to step up and tweet those photos with hashtag "puberme" and hashtag "puerto-rico-relief." i want to see bowl cuts, brace faces, a constellation of acne across your t-zone. ( laughter ) and to make sure there's money in the fund, please go buy more stephen colbert's americone dream ice cream. do your duty and eat the whole pint. if you don't hate yourself in the morning, you're part of the problem. we'll be right back with steve martin. 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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a grammy-award winning banjo player. he's also done a bit of comedy work. please welcome steve martin! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you very much! thank you! yeah! >> stephen: thank you for that. >> that's what i was doing. >> stephen: i know. nothing like a butt shine. nice to see you again. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: i've not seen you since you came on here with edie brickell to perform last night. >> you know what? >> stephen: what? that is exactly true. good the way you figured that out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so what have you been up to? >> about 190. >> stephen: okay, good. ( laughter ) >> yeah, but i have been doing so much. i have a new album. i don't want to make this a promotional -- ( laughter ) i hate that. you know, when you've got a new album, oh -- >> stephen: steve -- you know, i tell you something, thank you for showing this, this is my new album. i'm with "the steep canyon rangers," a band i've worked with for almost ten years. we've kind of grown together musically. this is our second album together and that's why i wanted to feature them on the cover an show them and then, you know, have a -- >> stephen: that's awfully nice. >> and have a little picture of myself. >> stephen: that's very generous. >> yeah. >> stephen: was this the only album cover you guys worked on? >> no, but first of all you have to understand, this is the c.d. the vinyl is unbelievable. >> stephen: oh, wow. the fidelity must be amazing how much information you can get in there. >> where are you going with that? see, the title of the album is the long-awaited album. >> stephen: it wasn't the only title you guys came up with. >> no, we had other titles and we mocked up album covers to see if the title would work. i brought just a few to show you. >> stephen: there's another choice. >> yeah. your dream come true. >> stephen: your dream come true more banjos. >> that's right. >> stephen: do you want to read the titles or should i? >> you read the titles because you're in comedy and i'm now in music. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we'll see. okay. yeah, hey, i have an idea. >> stephen: what? you read one, i'll read one. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, i'll try this one again then. >> okay. well, that's not fair to you to have to do the same joke twice. >> stephen: your dream come true -- more banjos! ( cheers and applause ) >> okay. songs to whittle to. ( applause ) >> stephen: live outside carnegie hall! that's good ( applause ) >> did good on that. >> stephen: yeah. as white as you remember. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) you know how your suit fits you when you stand up? >> stephen: yes. but when you sit town, it no longer fits you. >> stephen: yes. leeves are short. >> stephen: a little tight in the crotch. >> well, no. >> stephen: no? not with me, no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: plenty of room. i know. >> i don't know about that. >> stephen: i do. one of the reasons i had you on, not to put you on the spot, you're one of my comedy heros. >> thank you is that i don't think i could have done that crazy high-status idiot character i did for ten years without having listened to all your comedy albums when i was younger. amazing. ( cheers and applause ) and, you know, jerry seinfeld's good, too, but he's not on till tomorrow. >> yeah. by the way, jerry seinfeld is one of my heroes. he's like a retrohero, like a guy who came up behind you and is better than you are. ( laughter ) i'm talking better than you. ( laughter ) i think he's fantastic. i love to listen to him. he almost puts me at peace. i can just listen to him talk. i like it. >> stephen: yeah, i feel that way about jim gaffigan. not a joke, it's true. ( laughter ) >> that's why they pre-tape these shows so you can cut that out. >> stephen: yeah. i do this to my producer, if i want something to not be in the show, i just do that. if you watch the show that means the next thing or something you just saw got cut out of the show. also, i would like my producer to cut out i just revealed that. ( laughter ) you also use the fancy word polymath. you're a connoisseur of art, a playwright, have a show on broadway in december. >> called meteor shower. i have been working on it the last two years, the globe, long wharf theater in connecticut. i got a call three weeks ago from the producer and he says, steve, your show, the play you wrote is going on to broadway starring amy schumer, kegel michael key, lauren binante, directed by jerry sax, multi-tony award winning director who did hello dolly with bette midler on stage now and it's going to be at the booth theater, one of the best comedy theaters. i said to him, you know what? i amway too high to deal with this right now. ( cheers and applause ) anyway, that's what's happening, yeah. >> stephen: wow. so what's it about? is it about a meteor shower? >> yes, it's about a couple who lives in ohi, california, sort of distant, inland a bit, and they host a meteor shower with another cup they will don't know that well. >> stephen: a meteor shower party? >> yeah, two couples, four people and chaos ensues. >> stephen: we just had the eclipse this summer. did you go anyplace to see the eclipse? >> i am so board with eclipses. ( laughter ) i saw a partial eclipse in new york city maybe 15 years ago. it was so beautiful. no joke. you know the thing instead of looking up, you look down and you see the shadows in the trees and they do something so strange. so all these people in new york on a beautiful day were looking down. >> stephen: that's a metaphor for -- ( laughter ) uh-huh. are you still doing on tour with martin short? >> yes, that's my main job. >> stephen: really? ( cheers and applause ) >> i tell you one thing i love. >> stephen: yeah. about touring around with marty short. no poparazzi. ( laughter ) >> stephen: just left alone. my wife thought that marty and i were too close, but we resolved that because we got one of those beds with the adjustable sleep numbers. >> stephen: okay. so he's got his and -- >> yeah. we're good buddies. we have nicknames. what have you got? going back in time? >> stephen: what good buddies you are. >> there you go. >> stephen: there you go. this is this summer, you and martin short. >> we forgot where we were. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mm-hmm. so you said nicknames for each other? >> i call him buddy. hey, buddy, having a good show tonight, buddy. >> stephen: what's he call you. >> spotlight ceiling time suck mood killer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: almost like king tut. >> yeah. >> stephen: how is he as a kisser? does he have soft lips? >> we kid that at the diane keaton a.f.i. tribute. i don't remember what the premise was. the premise was, hey, i really like you! >> stephen: exactly. ( laughter ) now, you met him when you were doing "three amigos." >> yes. >> stephen: do you do films anymore? i miss steve martin on camera. >> i'm so interested in what i'm doing now, besides no offers, but -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? is. >> no, i really like touring around, being live, which is strange. i can't believe i'm saying that. >> stephen: why is it strange, you like a live audience, right? ( cheers and applause ) >> absolutely, this is great. i tell you what it was. jerry seinfeld is the opposite. he loves it and thinks its great. i was alone out will and thinking ahead and thinking, will that work? on to the next, what is the next thing, and now i have a partner, and we just laugh, we enjoy each other, we smile, we're happy offstage, on-stage, let's go. >> stephen: if it doesn't work, that's his fault? >> exactly. >> stephen: now you have these partners. >> you like to reach down there. >> stephen: that's where things are. >> i see. >> stephen: if i put them up there, it would take focus away from us talking. >> that's show business. >> stephen: this is where the money is. >> yeah. >> stephen: the money is right there. >> you know what i would like to do? put tinfoil on this and sit like this. get a little extra trying to. >> stephen: you could. what to you think about what we've done with the place. do you like the theory? >> i do. i think the graphics -- >> stephen: the stained glass. yes. and central park. >> stephen: from the top of the hotel next door, changes seasonally. videos. >> wow, the things that is correct do. >> stephen: yep. ( laughter ) are you touring now? >> are we tone? >> stephen: no, we have time. we're never going to be done, steve. >> we kind of tid this. >> stephen: if you don't want me to say you're going to do a song coming up. >> oh, i am. >> stephen: you are going to do a song coming up? ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, with -- i must say, with the grammy award winning "the steep canyon rangers," the band i've worked with all these years. >> stephen: stick around. steve and the band, at the end of the show, will do a cut from the long-awaited album available now, steve martin and "the steep canyon rangers." we'll be right back. 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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, in the last year alone, you've seen my next guest in royal pains, prison break and the new season of wet hot american summer. he now stars in the cbs sitcom nine j.k.l., please welcome mark feuerstein! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> i mean, they got up! >> stephen: they did! you didn't have to do that! thank you very much! >> stephen: when you come out here and do this, they have to! >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> you were so great at the emmy awards. >> stephen: oh, thanks so much. it was so fun! ( cheers and applause ) >> you introduced me and rashida jones. >> stephen: lovely young lady, talented person to come out there with. >> i was honored to come out with her and hear my name said by you tonight and on that night. >> stephen: that's great, especially since those things are such a drag if you lose. >> you should have won is that you, too. they'll all pay eventually. ( laughter ) no pressure, but because he's coming out to do a song a little later, you are technically both following and opening for steve martin now. >> i am the meat in a steve martin sandwich. >> stephen: i was gushing on him earlier about how influential he is and how much i love him, still do, but what hero of yours was his? >> i was such a huge fan of his. i wasn't a theater kid when i started in college, but i did imitate the comedians that i loved. so we would be at dinner, my father was a lawyer and he would have clients, an at dinner he would say, mark, do eddie murphy, do steve martin. so i would dive into "wild and crazy guy," and they would come and say, steve, how can you be such a swinging sex god? >> stephen: that was tipping you out to the clients. >> got a lot of business, everything worked out and everybody won is that you have been starring on tv 20 years, caroline in the city, west wing, royal pains, wet hot american summer. >> it's amazing. >> stephen: what do you think keeps the people coming back to mark feuerstein? what's the hook? >> i have no idea. who knows what the hook is? >> stephen: obviously the eye candy. >> thank you. ( laughter ) the taking the shirt off. i have heard good positive things and negative things all along the way, but recently i've had to listen to them directly because we have this new show nine j.k.l. coming on to cbs 8:30 monday nights, you're going to love it. i'm an executive producer, my wife and i created the show together. i have to go to something called "testing." have you heard of testing? >> stephen: i have been in a testing room once behind the mirror eating m&ms while i heard people say, why does he have a job? >> i've got ton listen to those same things. many people liked it but one person in the eight-american focus group, people who were in las vegas killing time before ththe mayweather fight -- >> stephen: why to they always do it in vegas? >> because there is a lot of people walking around, i don't know. >> stephen: there are people in new york city. >> fair point. maybe they're saving them from losing 50 bucks that hour on a slot machine so they to this testing thing. they sit there and judge you and you have to sit there and watch them. some people like it and some go, eh, i don't know. >> stephen: anything personal about you that hurt your feelings? >> yes, sure. "i don't like him." >> stephen: did you want to rush into the room? >> i want to break the mirror and say, excuse me, buddy, this is my life on the line here! >> stephen: and not only that but the show is very personal. a lot is based on your own life story. >> that's correct. i was here shooting royal pains for, like, eight years and my wife and kids are in l.a. to save money i stayed in an apartment my parents own which is next to the apartment i grew up in that they live in. >> stephen: as an adult man. as an adult man every morning i would wake up to my father in his tight tighty whities going , you want breakfast, eggs, french toast? at night, after a 15-hour day, trying to get into my apartment, like a gun slinger in a night ground, my mother would say, would you like to come in for cookies and salad and i would sit with her and hear about the day's events. >> stephen: because you're a good son. >> two years my wife and brother and baby lived on the other side in 9l. so two years i was living between my parents and my brother and their wife and baby and my producer said that's a show! he was speaking like louie mayer. >> stephen: you're a natural! yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip. can you tell us what's about to happen and why is this. >> yes, i'm on a date, my mother is ruining it. played by linda ladd. >> stephen: jim? o. ( doorbell ringing ) >> josh! that's just my elderly neighbor probably lost her teeth again. she'll find 'em. ( doorbell ) you know what, if we stay quiet, maybe she'll go away. >> oh! ( laughter ) >> what's going on? perhaps i don't quite understand your relationship with your neighbor. >> stephen: based on a true story. >> also. >> stephen: thanks and lovely to see you again. >> so great to see you, too. >> stephen: nine j.k.l. premieres monday 8:30 on cbs. mark feuerstein, everybody. stick around, we have a performance coming up by steve martin and "the steep canyon rangers." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. ♪ music the #1 longest-lasting battery. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. steal the spotlight in the new stevie. right now, get up to 50% off all pants and jeans at old navy. ♪ we get a gift for mom and dad., and every year, we split it equally. except for one of us. i write them a poem instead! and one for each of you too! that one's actually yours. that one. regardless, we're stuck with the bill. to many, words are the most valuable currency. last i checked, stores don't take "words." some do. not everyone can be the poetic voice of a generation. i know, right? such a burden. the bank of america mobile banking app. the fast, secure and simple way to send money. ♪ this'll be the real deal ♪ oh yeah ♪ this'll be the real deal ♪ oh yeah ♪ oh yeah ♪ ♪ (crying and si ♪ because everyone likes easy. sure do. because everyone is on the go. because we all like to save energy, but sometimes we slip up. reaching up. ssssh! because sometimes we want it cool at night, then toasty in the mornings. introducing the easy to use, energy saving, adjustable from everywhere, easy on the wallet and the eyes, nest thermostat e. e is for everyone. "caroline," please welcome steve martin and the steep canyon rangers! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ can you tell me why you left me ♪ standing in the parking structure ♪ caroline, i was the almost perfect boyfriend, ever, for you ♪ and, you even said that to me, one time at the olive garden ♪ please return my car and leave the keys inside the glove compartment ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ caroline, you are the hardest thing i'll ever put behind me ♪ never thought you'd leave me stranded ♪ not a glance into the rearview ♪ i'll be looking for someone who ♪ wears their hair exactly like you ♪ and who swears a blue streak when ♪ the tarheels lose the quarterfinals ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ if you ever find another ♪ please don't put a post on facebook ♪ i would rather think i was a deep regret you can't resolve ♪ if i have a drink with someone i will tell her all about you ♪ that will be the big mistake ♪ that i will make on my first date ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ yes, i know that we could not have lasted ♪ daily life can not be that intense ♪ i'll phone my friends and try to explain ♪ why this past year i have acted so insane! ♪ insane! insane! ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ♪ caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline ♪ oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, ca-rol-ine ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "the long-awaited album" is out now! steve martin and the steep canyon rangers, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! we took legendary, and made it liberating. we took safe, and made it daring. we took intelligent, and made it utterly irresistible. we took the most advanced e-class ever, and made the most exciting e-class ever. the all-new e-class coupe from mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh? hey? i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. without pg&e's assistance, without their training our collaboration with pg&e is centered around public safety. we could not do our mission to keep our community safe. anytime we are responding to a structure fire, one of the first calls you make is for pg&e for gas and electric safety. it's my job to make sure that they have the training that they need to make the scene safe for themselves and for the public. it's hands-on training actually turning valves, turning systems off, looking at different wire systems all that training is crucial to keeping our community safe and our firefighters safe. together, we're building a better california. >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be jerry seinfeld! now stick around for james corden and his guests, don johnson and minnie driver. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from

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