[ cheers and applause ] and now, seth meyers. Seth good evening, everybody. Im seth meyers. This is late night. We hope youre doing well. And now if you dont mind, were going to get to the news. President biden and former President Trump are set to face off in two president ial debates. Biden is looking forward to laying out his 2024 agenda, while trump is just happy to go somewhere where nobody will draw him while he sleeps. [ laughter ] after President Biden challenged him today to two televised debates, former President Trump posted on truth social, quote, Crooked Joe Biden is the worst debater i have ever faced. He cant put two sentences together, unlike trump who puts all of his sentences together. [ laughter ] while speaking to reporters outside former President Trumps criminal hushmoney trial yesterday, House Speaker mike johnson criticized Michael Cohen and said he is quote, a man who is clearly on mission for personal revenge and who is widely known as witness who has trouble with the truth. Yeah, and who would ever be crazy enough to listen to someone like that . [ laughter ] judge juan merchan asked former President Trumps lawyers yesterday if trump is planning to testify. Of course not. If theres one thing we know about trump, its that the defense rests. [ laughter and applause ] Michael Cohen testified yesterday that he still lives in a trump branded building, which tells you just how much of a pain in the ass it is to move in new york city. [ laughter ] cohen also said yesterday that he worked with former First Lady Melania Trump on an agreement with madam tussauds to create a wax figure of her for the museum, and another one to attend public events. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] just real quick. Are you real or a wax one . [ laughter ] well i cant silence doesnt tell me. [ laughter ] in his speech at a gala yesterday, President Biden joked that trump might have injected bleach into his skin to fight off covid. Um, have you seen the guy lately . If hes injecting anything, its deck stain. [ laughter ] lets be real. If anyone injected bleach into their skin, its mike pence. I mean [ audience oohs ] he looks like a ghost that haunts other ghosts. [ laughter ] House Speaker mike johnson, former republican president ial hopeful vivek ramaswamy, north dakota governor doug bergham, and florida congressmen Brian Donalds and corey mills all attended former President Trumps criminal hushmoney trial yesterday and wore matching Navy Blue Suits and red ties. Look at these dorks. [ light laughter ] they look like a doowop group called the four treasons. [ laughter ] they look like the mens wearhouse softball team. They look like a Singing Group called magapella. It looks like they put mitt romney in a cloning machine, but something went a little more wrong with each copy. [ light laughter ] new york mayor eric adams announced yesterday that as part of the citys crackdown on smoke shops, 75 Illegal Cannabis stores have been shut down. So sorry stoners, but youre going to have to walk to the next block. [ laughter ] aw, man. Oh, yeah. [ light laughter ] according to a new survey, the average american has five reusable shopping bags, while the average public radio listener has 53. [ light laughter ] and finally, producers have announced a new jeopardy Spinoff Series that focuses on pop culture. Its called celebrity jeopardy. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] im sorry, i replaced myself with the madam tussauds wax seth meyers. [ laughter ] that was the monologue, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we got a great show for you tonight. She is the emmywinning creator and star of Abbott Elementary. Our friend Quinta Brunson is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] the great Quinta Brunson. You know him from his incredible work on snl, and his latest movie if is in theaters this weekend. Bobby moynihan is back. [ cheers and applause ] and they are veteran art punk legends featuring our very own 8g bands syd butler and seth jabour whose latest album oui lsf is out now. Les savy fav is back on the show to perform for us. [ cheers and applause ] but before we get to that, today President Biden proposed two debates against donald trump, and trump immediately accepted. Meanwhile, a bunch of maga weirdos and wannabe running mates traveled to new york to appear with trump at his criminal trial. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth for some reason, trump thinks it will work to his advantage to debate joe biden on national television, despite the fact that when they debated in 2020, it was an embarrassing cluster [ bleep ] in which trump behaved like a cokedup raccoon trapped in a porta potty at coachella. They will, under my proposal. Thats not what you said and its not what your party has said. But that so we have to be engaged in thats not what theyre talking about. We have the highest trade deficit with mexico. China ate your lunch. Down 18 . China ate your lunch, joe. He said, maybe you should drop a Nuclear Weapon on them. I never said that. Antifa is an idea, not an organization. Oh, you got to be kidding. Not militia. If hed just stay out of the way oh, really . Oh, really . This guy i wanna hes just afraid of counting the votes. Youre wrong, youre wrong. I want to continue with you on this, vice President Biden. Chris, hes so wrong when he makes a Statement Like that. In fact, no. You do want me to gentlemen no. Mr. President. It was heavily you would have been much later, joe. Mr. President , sir. Chris, that was the worst part of obama. Let me ask my quesiton. Ill ask joe. No. No. Hey, mr. President , mr. President , please stop. Even the people who testified no, no, no. Mr. President three and a half million, joe. No, no, no. Sir, stop. Wait a minute. Mr. President , no, mr president. Go ahead. Can i be honest . Its a very important question. Try to be honest. He stood up he stood up and he threatened the answer to the question is no. Seth trump thinks that made him look good. [ laughter ] the only context in which that behavior makes sense is in a commercial for a drink called act like a monster energy. [ laughter ] even mike lindell saw that and was like, whoa, you sound crazy the moderator of a nationally televised debate had to yell no at the sitting president like a Flight Attendant telling a drunk passenger he cant go in the cockpit. [ light laughter ] no, you cannot go in there. But i needed a bathroom. Sir, that is not a bathroom. That is the cockpit. Yeah, but i need a bathroom real bad. The bathrooms are occupied and you need to wait. Should i go to the bathroom in the cockpit . No [ light laughter ] so trump thinks repeating that performance is the key to winning in november. By the way, im not going to sit here and pretend joe biden is in tiptop shape either. This is when you really wish there was a way obama could tap in for joe at the debates. [ light laughter ] maybe do it like one of those surprise wrestling appearances where he walks in to loud music and pyro. [ laughter and applause ] and then trump makes a shocked face like one of those Vince Mcmahon memes. [ laughter ] obama would do that move where he starts writing something while trump was answering, and trump would lose his mind. What are you writing . Are you writing something about something i said . Is he allowed to write while im talking . Shouldnt he be listening . Oh i can listen and write at the same time. Oh, you can . I dont know how to do that. [ laughter ] oh, this is bad. [ light laughter ] so is biden a debate all star . No, hes not. Every time he answers a question, im going to White Knuckle my armchair like im watching tom cruise ride a motorcycle off a cliff. cause i dont know if you guys know this, he does his own stunts. But even with the occasional slipup from biden, theres still no comparison. Trump is a snarling psycho, who just last weekend at a new jersey rally referred to Hannibal Lecter as the late, great Hannibal Lecter. [ light laughter ] so he both likes Hannibal Lecter and also thinks hes dead, despite the fact that hes not dead, not real, and also a very bad guy. [ laughter ] although who knows with trump . Maybe he was using late not to mean dead, but to mean not here yet. The late, great Hannibal Lecter, who was supposed to be here today. Hes probably [ light laughter ] probably got caught in turnpike traffic. I tell you this, though. If hannibal honks at you, dont give him the finger, because hell bite it right off. [ light laughter ] hell bite your finger right off. Hes a dear friend. [ light laughter ] so watching these two square off isnt exactly going to be ali versus frazier. Its going to be more like watching your grandpa try to catch an alligator in a garbage can. And if at all possible, we probably shouldnt air it internationally. I feel like other countries are going to watch this and say, they have 330 million people, right . I dont know. Its just just weird that its those two. [ laughter ] but the contrast biden will benefit from on stage is that hes normal for his age and trump is not normal for any age. [ light laughter ] like, whats a good age for a kid to think Hannibal Lecter is real, dead, and a cool dude . [ light laughter ] also, youd think a guy facing four separate criminal indictments who attempted a coup, got impeached twice, oversaw a net job loss and a spike in crime, cheated on his wife with a porn star, and left the nation in crisis after letting a pandemic spiral out of control would want to avoid a debate. Hell, if i so much as did one of those things, i would want to avoid ever being seen in public again. The only thing ive ever paid hush money to cover up is my college haircut. [ laughter ] but i guess not enough hush money. [ cheers and applause ] all jokes aside, what i wouldnt give to have you back, baby. [ laughter ] where you going, baby . Whered you go . And yet, trump has been obsessed with debating biden. Former President Trump is calling for debates with President Biden ahead of the general election. He posted this on truth social any time, anywhere, any place. How many debates would you commit to . As many as necessary. I would like to do it starting now. Im calling on crooked joe to debate any time, any place. Well do it anywhere you want, joe. Ive invited biden to debate. We can do it any time he wants. Seth its really quite something to challenge your opponent to a debate any time, anywhere, any place while youre standing behind barricades at a mandatory Court Appearance for your criminal trial. [ laughter ] you sure you got that much flexibility in your schedule, bro . I challenge crooked joe to a debate any time between 12 00 and 12 45 p. M. When we have our lunch break. [ laughter ] also, i challenge joe to bring me a meatball sub, because the food here stinks. [ laughter ] trump is so thirsty for a debate, he even brought an empty podium to a rally to dare biden to join him. We have an empty podium right here to my right. You know what that is . Thats for joe biden. Im trying to get him to debate. Seth i like that trumps gimmick is an empty podium like thats somehow going to work on joe biden. The only person that would work on would be donald trump. [ light laughter ] i bet we could just get rid of him forever by putting an empty podium out in the woods with a bunch of cameras pointed at it. [ laughter ] trump tried a bunch of silly gimmicks, but in the end it was clearly biden who came out ahead here. He got everything he wanted. He even reportedly agreed that no audience would be present at the debate. I dont need to tell you that trump thrives when hes screaming over a live audience. Biden getting trump to agree to no audiences is like getting a vampire to agree to fight you at noon on the beach during the garlic festival. [ laughter ] but trump doesnt seem to care. He wants it so bad, so bad that at one point trump even invited biden down to the courthouse to debate him at his criminal trial. Ive invited biden to debate. He can do it any time he wants, including tonight. Ready. Here we are. I invited him to the courthouse. Seth maybe you could have gotten biden to come if you let him sit on the jury. Biden seems like the kind of guy who would jump at the chance to sit on a jury. This is the same guy that sat behind obama at the state of the union and acted like he was Frankie Valli in atlantic city. Hes doing the most mundane procedural [ bleep ] there is and he looks like he just completed his third ride on kingda ka. He loved jury duty. Seriously, though, you really expect biden to come down to the courthouse . Only a truly pathetic loser with Nothing Better to do would fly to new york for the sole purpose of joining donald trump at his criminal trial for paying hush money to a porn star. Donald trumps allies were out in force today at the courthouse in downtown manhattan. Speaker of the house mike johnson making an appearance as well. Its a show of support for donald trump. Republicans vying to be his running mate turned out in force at his trial today. They even seemed to have coordinated their outfits, dark suit, white shirt, red tie. Michael cohen, who has no credibility, who has purged himself multiple times, who has zero integrity, has actually admitted to defrauding the trump organization. Seth why are they all dressed the same . Did their luggage get lost and they all bought the same donald trump costume from Spirit Halloween . [ laughter ] showing up to work wearing the same thing as your coworker is everyones nightmare. Of course, if you see it on instagram, they pretend to love it. These guys should have posted a pic that said lol twinsies. [ laughter ] so biden showed some impressive selfrestraint and ignored trumps irresistible offer to join him at the manhattan courthouse. But then today biden issued his own debate invitation to trump with a video that also mocked the fact that trumps criminal trial is not in session on wednesdays. Donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020. And since then, he hasnt shown up for a debate. Now hes acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal. Ill even do it twice. So lets pick the dates, donald. I hear youre free on wednesdays. [ laughter and applause ] seth well, jokes on you, joe. Hes actually not free on wednesdays, because thats when he preps for his other criminal trials. [ laughter ] trump then immediately jumped to accept that invitation with a weird line that i guess was supposed to be a zinger . Former President Trump spoke with Brooke Singman at fox news digital exclusively. And heres what he said. Crooked joe biden is the worst debater i have ever faced. He cant put two sentences together. He said the dates in june and Early September are fully acceptable to me. I will provide my own transportation. Seth i hear youre free on wednesdays. Ill provide my own transportation. This is like a production of bring it on at a mens only old age home. [ light laughter ] im so glad you guys are having so much fun with this, because im losing my [ bleep ] here. [ light laughter ] joe biden may not be the most gifted debater in history, but he has the advantage of standing on stage next to a man who is fundamentally incapable of behaving like a normal human being when hes outside the confines of one of his rallies. Trumps behavior is obviously offputting and weird. The only way trump can avoid embarrassing himself is if his team replaces him with an empty podium. Seth this has been a closer look. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with Quinta Brunson, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Things are looking up, ive got symptom relief. Control of my crohns means everything to me. Control is everything to me. Feel significant symptom relief at 4 weeks with skyrizi, including less abdominal pain and fewer bowel movements. 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