Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20240711 :

Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20240711

Announcer tonight on late night with seth meyers chat and music from john legend, comedienne sarah cooper, an all new closer look, featuring the 8g brand with Carter Mclean. And now seth meyers. Seth good evening, everybody and welcome to late night. Sorry, wally, is that the only thing on the card . Thats it seth huh, i guess we were over relying on him. [ laughter ] all right, let me tell a story when we first started the show about six years ago, our First Episode in this studio we had two guests amy poehler, my dear friend, and joe biden. And it was important to me that amy poehler was our first guest. Because i really did not believe then, and do not believe now that i would ever have this job if it wasnt for her which meant that we had to ask the then, Vice President of the United States if he would be the second guest on a show that started, and continues to start at 12 35 in the morning. And he said, with no hesitation, it would be an honor to follow the great amy poehler. And i think that he said that for two reasons. One, he is at his core, a decent human being. And, two, he knew that if we asked amy to go second, it would be a whole thing [ laughter ] this is true i like trains. I genuinely like trains. My favorite of all the american trains is amtrak because its the only one [ laughter ] and when joe biden came, he brought two presents for me. He brought this amtrak conductors hat. And i was very touched by the fact they researched and found out my hat size, as evidenced by the perfect fit. [ laughter ] so the extra mile was noticed. And he brought me this train whistle, which six years ago was a fine gift, but has become a very special gift to me in the years since because now i have two young boys and the last thing i do before i come out here is i facetime them. Because by the time the show is over and i get home theyre asleep and this is in my dressing room. And the last thing i do when i say goodnight to my boys every evening is i blow this train whistle. And so every day that i look at it, i think about joe biden and i also think about donald trump because these last four years have totally blown [ laughter ] [ train whistle lets get to the news. Everybody is like, what are you going to do if he loses . Whistle bits [ laughter ] duh. After multiple news organizations projected that joe biden had been elected the next president of the United States, people took to the streets in cities across the country to celebrate lets take a look. [ cheers ] [ car horn ] seth wow did he win an election or the world cup . Did those people vote for biden or did they just pull down a statue of saddam you know you were a bad president when people were celebrating old white centrist like he was the sunset in burning man. Thats right, joe biden has been elected the next president of the United States, which is great. Though statistically, that gives him a 100 chance of getting the coronavirus. Yes, joe biden has been elected the next president of the United States but hey, look on the bright side, trump at least you got to tell an immigrant she has been evicted from her house senator Kamala Harris has become the first woman of color to be elected Vice President which is a pretty big jump from no color at all Vice President mike pence today led a White House Coronavirus task force meeting, though at this point, all meetings in the white house are coronavirus meetings they dont start that way, but they tend to get there by the end. President elect joe biden today announced a 12member Coronavirus Task force, which includes a former surgeon general, a former fda commissioner, a professor from Yale University and for just for kicks, hunter biden. Lets give him hell lets rub it in a little. Pharmaceutical Companies Pfizer and beyondtech announced today that their new Coronavirus Vaccine is more than 90 effective. Wow, all this time weve been waiting for a vaccine. Turns out it isnt even the best news this weekend. In an interview yesterday, republican senator mitt romney said he did not vote for President Trump, but declined to say who he voted for, but i think we have a pretty good idea and finally, a British Grocery chain has launched a new line of festive holiday doughnuts including a new cronut theyre calling santas yum nut. The last person to use that phrase got fired from the mall that was the monologue, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Hes an e. G. O. T. Winner and a coach on this season of the voice right here on nbc his new album, bigger love is out now. Back on the show to chat and perform for us, john legend is here, everybody. And you know her hilarious lipsync videos of the president , sarah cooper will chat with us as well shes got a great new netflix special, and im so excited to talk with her. But before we get to all that joe biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States, in a historic and overwhelming repudiation of donald trump that ended with Rudy Giuliani screaming outside a Landscaping Company. And now, nearly the entire Republican Party is in lockstep behind trump as he tries to delegitimize and steal the election for more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth well, our Long National acid trip is almost over, and now its time to pop a klonopin and let our designated drive takes us home. On saturday, all the Major Networks finally called the president ial election for joe biden, and i have to say, even im surprised at just how relieved i am that we dont have to suffer through another four years of donald trump, the single most annoying human being on the face of the earth even if you put aside Everything Else about him the racism, venality, cruelty, corruption, mendacity, vindictiveness, and flagrant disregard for any life other than his own, hes still just a worldhistorically irritating man and the most irritating thing about him was my and many peoples absolute, round the clock inability to look away for four years, it has been genuinely necessary to monitor the president 24 hours a day like zoologists staring at two endangered rhinos hoping theyll have sex i mean, can you imagine living through another four years of having to see his sweaty, overcooked ham of a face on your television all day, every day, whining about toilets not flushing or windmills killing birds, barking at reporters on his lawn like a long island Mattress Store owner who insists on doing his own commercials and putting all his weird, asymmetrical Adult Children in them so, come on down to oceanside mattress, and use the promo code shutupandlaydown. And thank god we wont have to watch him dance at his rallies anymore like the naked guy in the gym locker room using his towel to dry the back of his neck this point, in addition to preserving whats left of our democracy and reversing four years of malicious racism, savagery and criminal neglect, getting rid of trump is just a quality of life issue, like calling 311 about a jackhammer outside your apartment and clearly, im not the only one indulging myself in the joy and catharsis of seeing this deeply wretched husk of a man thrown out on his ass. As the results came in over the last few days, culminating with the official call from the networks on saturday, there were celebrations across the country, with people dancing in the streets, honking and banging pots in new york city, flipping off trumps motorcade in dc, dressing up as mailboxes in philadelphia and trolling trump by blasting what had become his campaigns theme music, the ymca song. Its fun to stay at the ymc its fun to stay at th ymca seth its just fantastic, and i love that theyre doing it right outside the white house. Its like playing new york, new york outside of fenway park i like to imagine that while this was happening, there was also a sad flotilla of trumps beautiful boaters mournfully circling the waters off Clearwater Beach to a funeral dirge version of ymca. Why god, why mca. Dancing crowds werent the only people overjoyed by the fact that we will soon be rid of donald trump there was joe biden himself, who came bounding out for his victory speech like a journeyman reliever jogging out from the bullpen after finally getting called up to the big leagues its nice to get quaid from the rookie after four years of quaid from total recall. [ screaming i know, in one case, its the actors name, and in the other, its the characters name, but the joke is for andy samberg, and im sure hes gonna like it just fine. Anyway, i think we can all admit that when we were watching biden jog out, we were silently hoping he wouldnt fall any time a 77yearold man exerts himself like that, its a White Knuckle ride bidens definitely one of those grandpas who insists on doing everything himself grandpa, its 5 00 in the morning. Where are you going . Im gonna shovel the sidewalk before my back pills wear off. And then, biden spoke for the first time as president elect. And i mean this in the best possible way, i remember very little of it like, i think he said some stuff about healing our divides or unifying the country, or whatever honestly, im just relieved that a president elect spoke to the nation and i didnt immediately google, canada, how move to. And then today, biden announced a task force of experts who will guide him in dealing with the coronavirus pandemic, which, lets not forget, is currently ravaging the country uncontrolled, with icus filling up and hospitalizations nearing record levels. And yet, as the crisis was continuing to spiral, the current president was moping around his private golf course like a palm beach dentist after a messy divorce. And thats also where trump was when the race was called for biden on saturday, which is just perfect. Im surprised he didnt just stay out there just leave me here. I live with the geese now. I wonder if his aides gave him the news out on the course, or waited until he got back if i were them, id wait until he doesnt have a golf club in his hand. Can you imagine the rage divots he left behind thats probably why Rudy Giuliani always looks like that he gave trump some bad news once, and theres still a nineiron wedged up his ass. So clearly, biden supporters and sane people everywhere got to enjoy a wellearned National Moment of catharsis as the results came in. Now, lets check in on the other side and see how theyre taking the news President Trump should not concede. It was stolen the media is desperately trying to get everyone to coronate joe biden as the next president. I think he would have to do a lot to convince republicans that this is anything other than a left wing power grab financed by people like george soros i think it is a corrupt, stolen election there is no joe biden the man you may remember from the 1980s is gone. He no longer exists. What remains is a projection of sorts, a hologram designed to mimic the behavior of a nonthreatening political candidate. These people seek absolute sameness total uniformity youre happy with your corner coffee shop. They want to make you drink starbucks every day from now until forever, no matter how it tastes seth and when that hologram drinks coffee, what do you think happens . It splashes right to the ground, because holograms dont have real stomachs. All right, so based on the clips, theyre not doing great Tucker Carlson thinks joe biden is a hologram who wants to make you drink starbucks every day. And im sorry, but when is the starbucks for liberals myth gonna die . Are we supposed to believe tucker only drinks campfire coffee out of a prospectors tin mug . And by the way, to anyone who thought things were gonna go back to normal once trump is gone, just a reminder, fox news called joe biden a hologram who wants to force you to drink starbucks, and hes been president elect for two days can you imagine what its gonna be like when bidens actually in office if republicans hang on to control of the senate . Who knows if theyll even let him have a cabinet sean hannity will probably accuse biden of building a secret soros funded amtrak station on the moon. But you know what, say what you will about republicans, one thing theyve made clear is theyre tough guys who dont cry like liberals. So if anyone can handle a bruising, emotional defeat like this one, its the Republican Party. This is one of things im just give people time yes i mean, you know, hes just found out that hes, you know, probably not gonna be the president of the United States here and i mean, you can say well it was in the cards. But you dont know until the votes are counted. I believe in decency in all matters and i think the decent thing to do is let the president himself take the time he wants to absorb this it is not easy, and its extraordinary close. So the president needs to take a few days, maybe even longer to absorb, ultimately accept and i think he ultimately will accept the outcome of the people. You have to allow that to happen seth truly incredible. The liberal tears crowd, the people who spent four years building an entire Political Movement around triggery, theyre political opponents need a warm blanket and a cup of earl grey tea to cope with losing a president ial election. They literally wore shirts that said, [ bleep ] your feelings. Yes, [ bleep ] your feelings. But my feelings . You make love to my feelings. But this isnt just a case of hurt feelings or wounded egos. This is the beating heart of trumpism, the paranoid, authoritarian belief that your political opponents are illegitimate and even though trump himself might be on his way out, the deep rot that his rise has exposed within our political system isnt going anywhere any time soon, and we cant pretend otherwise. It runs through the veins of the Republican Party, which is why trump was thoroughly and overwhelmingly repudiated. Joe biden and Kamala Harris won the most votes for any president ial ticket ever, and by one of the largest margins in recent history theyre on pace to potentially win over 300 electoral votes meanwhile, trump is the only president in history to be impeached, lose the popular vote, and be denied a second term hes gonna be the answer to a trivia question for the rest of his life. Oh man, i know this one the guy used to his name was on buildings ahh, you know, golf guy. Ah, i knew i shouldnt have gotten stoned before trivia night. Again, trump is not unique for example, last night, he retweeted a clip from fox news in which ken starr, the special prosecutor from the clinton impeachment, suggested that counting votes was itself illegal. To count every vote may be a crime. It may even be a crime under federal law. Its definitely a crime under state law, if that is, heres the key word, an illegal ballot. And thats why you see and its shameful that Vice President bidens people and the Vice President himself are saying count every vote and selling a lot of tshirts. Seth okay, putting aside Everything Else for a second, youre mad that theyre selling tshirts all trump does is sell and advertise trumpbranded products the entire Trump Campaign is like the merch table outside a concert. They have hats, shirts, cups, flags. Theres even an official trumppence pet leash, which just seems way too on the nose mr. President , i would prefer if we didnt have the leash on the website. Oh, you know, i hear you mike, and im gonna take that under consideration right after you fetch this [ bleep ] ball for me. But i appreciate ken starr revealing the ideological core of the Republican Party, their fundamental belief that counting every vote is a crime. They believe the democratic process is illegitimate. Thats why theyre manufacturing deranged fantasies of systematic voter fraud without evidence even when pressed for evidence, they cant provide any i know this city has a sad history of voter fraud after all, joe frazier is still voting here. Kind of hard since he died five years ago, but joe continues to vote. If i recall correctly joe was a republican so maybe i shouldnt complain, but we should go see if joe is voting republican or democrat now from the grave. In philadelphia, they keeps the votes of dead people secret. Seth any time rudy does a press conference, i half expect him to be trailed by an i. V. Stand and a nurse holding a little cup full of pills and one of these days, hes gonna be interrupted halfway through by an orderly yelling, rudy, there you are free time is over. Its lights out at 8 00, rudy. Im making some very good points can i finish my very theyre very good points. It gets crazier, though, because thats the same press conference where rudy found out the networks had all called the race for trump, and this was his response who was it called by . All of networks all the oh my goodness all the networks wow all the networks seth you know rudy doesnt think its official until its called by the texaco star theater. Sounds like hes on the phone with time warner customer service. All right sir, we have several packages available, which channels would you like . All the networks seth but by far the best thing about this press conference was not what rudy said, but where he said it it brings us to the absolutely top part of the weekend. Honestly, it was almost as good as trump losing. You see, the way we found out about this press conference was when trump tweeted, lawyers News Conference four seasons, philadelphia, 11 00 a. M. And then he deleted that tweet and followe

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