[ cheers and applause announcer tonight, on late night with seth meyers Cecily Strong, author of the captain, former mlb all star, david wright writer and director of kajillionaire, miranda july, featuring the 8g band with jessica berdeaux and now, Seth Meyers Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . Great, lets get to the news President Trump said yesterday that he won tuesdays president ial debate against former Vice President , joe biden, but take it with a grain of salt because he also said he won the voice. Fox news anchor and president ial debate moderator, Chris Wallace, said in an interview yesterday that he was surprised by the chaotic nature of tuesdays contest, adding no one could have predicted, quote, this was going to be the president s strategy not just for the beginning of the debate but the entire debate. I had an inkling, said marco rubio, ted cruz, jeb bush, carly fiorian, hillary clinton, all of his kids, all of his wives, his kindergarten teacher, some guy he ran into on the street in the 80s and the American Public at large when asked yesterday if he welcomes support from white supremacists, President Trump says that he wants, quote, law and order. Okay, but thats not an answer to that question thats like if i asked you, is this chicken poison, and then you said, the mashed potatoes are delicious. Aides to President Trump reportedly said they wanted him to be aggressive in tuesdays president ial debate, but not act like Jason Voorhees from the friday the 13th movies oh come on, hes nothing like Jason Voorhees jason has the decency to wear a mask say what you will about jason, and theres plenty to criticize him for. The man wears a mask six feet, hes a little bit worse on he has violated that multiple times. Real space hog, jason. According to a new report published in the atlantic, President Trump mocks his christian supporters in private. Wow, what a scoop. I thought it was just in public. Pope francis refused to meet with secretary of state, mike pompeo this week during pompeos visit in rome, due to the proximity to the upcoming president ial election. Besides, the Biden Campaign got to him first a florida man filed a 1. 1 million lawsuit against mcdonalds and claims he broke a tooth while biting in to a chicken mcnugget, and this is weird. It was the chickens tooth wally laughed so much he shook the card a little bit. Sorry seth come on, wally. I got to land these guys the rock band acdc announced yesterday, the group will reunite to make a new album titled power up. The album will reunite all four of their original chords that is the daddest rock joke from the daddest rock writer on our staff, Bryan Donaldson i wish you could see him he looks like a guy who would write that joke about acdc throw him up throw him in the key, base German Authorities announced today that clothing retailer h m will pay 41 million in fines for collecting private information about its employees. And like everything at h m, thats too small and finally, in an effort to offer a healthy alternative to candy, sunmaid is offering raisin snacks in halloween themed glow in the dark packaging. Which means youll be able to see it even down in the dark bottom of the trash can. And that was the monologue, everybody. We have got a fantastic show for you tonight. You know her emmy nominated work on saturday night live, Cecily Strong will be here to tell us about this weekends season premiere. They havent been live in this building since march i cannot wait to hear now its going. He is a seventime, seventime, allstar who played third base for the new york mets, david wright will be here to talk about his memoir, the captain. Now, there are only about ten people in the studio and one of them is a mets fan whos losing his mind over this so you may hear some steve squeals. [ laughter ] she is an artist, actor, writer, and filmmaker, definitely the coolest person whos going to be on any television tonight. Miranda july, excuse me, will join us. And i may be squealing about that i mean, im so excited, i cant even say the name right. But before we get to all that, the president tried to paint his opponent as drugged up, and senile and it didnt work. But hes still moving forward with plan b, lying about voter fraud and trying to steal the election for more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth donald trump wants to create the impression that hes a permanent fixture in our lives, that theres nothing we can do to get rid of him its what he tried to do in new york by putting his name on every building in big gold letters, and on highway signs, and parking his dumb plane at laguardia. Even the pigeons are starting to sound like him coo, coo, this is a coup. Trump wants us to think that hell always be here and theres no point in voting against him because we can never get rid of him. Thats why he wouldnt shut up at tuesdays debate. Thats why he commandeers the National Spotlight on a daily basis by saying something insane and forcing us all to think about him. Or why last night, at another one of his all you can breathe covid buffets, he once again suggested that he might stay in office for another 16 years. What are they going to do when in eight, 12, maybe 16 years, i say lets hang it up lets hang it up [ laughter ] 16 more years. Seth crushed his timetables, didnt know he was going to be able to do that. But another 16 years the last four have already felt like 16. 16 more would feel like 64 i asked our Graphics Team to computer generate an image of what i would look like after another 16 years of trump, and this is what they came up with well, at least i still have the show but despite what trump says, it is very much within our power to get rid of him and end this. Thats what tuesdays debate was about and thats why trump and his allies have been lashing out at everyone, including the moderator, fox news host Chris Wallace after the negative reaction to trumps grotesque performance. At last nights rally, trump complained that wallace had the temerity to interrupt him. I said, sleepy joe, name one Law Enforcement group that supports you. And then Chris Wallace said, dont do that. Can you believe this guy i was debating two people last night. You can riot, thats okay. Arsons okay, but challenging sleepy joe is totally off limits so disappointed in fox the commission on president ial debates is considering changes for the next debate and id just like to say to them, best of luck. You know the formats not the problem, right its not like its hard to follow the rules i mean, she did it what are you going to do cut his mic . At this point, if you took his mic away, hed probably just grow a new one, terminator style. That turned out a lot better than i thought it would. You did it again, manny [ light laughter ] theres only one way to get trump to behave at debates and if no one else will say it, i will any time he breaks the rules, a hologram of fred trump should appear and say, what part of wait your turn dont you understand, donald . Im sorry, papa im just in so over my head and youre not here to bail me out. And ill tell you Something Else you so called son of mine, picture perfect. I paint a perfect picture. Bomb the hoochies with precision. My intentions to get richer. Seth is the hologram of fred trump singing the lyrics to aint nothing but a Gangster Party . Oh, [ bleep ], yeah. This is the same software from the Coachella Tupac hologram i guess we forgot to wipe it that is a real long walk [ light laughter ] but i think we had fun sometimes you got to enjoy the view, everybody. Also, any changes you make, trumps just gonna start whining. He never stops whining trumps allies are all like him, petulant children who whine and moan unless you let them rant uninterrupted for 90 minutes straight theyre just bummed because their genius strategy of claiming joe biden is senile backfired when it turned out trumps the one whose brain is mostly Room Temperature velveeta trump and his cheerleaders on fox spent weeks, weeks insisting his opponent was a doddering old man with dementia who needed drugs and an ear piece to get through a debate and then the debate happened and it turned out the only candidate who sounded like he mixed the dogs valium with jose cuervo was trump. And by the way, when youre lagging with seniors in swing states due to a raging pandemic you failed to contain, im not sure calling your opponent a brain dead geezer is the Awesome Campaign strategy you think it is once youre 77, youre basically dead anyway, the seniors love me. In case you need reminding, trump spent weeks challenging biden to a drug test and then as proof for his psychotic claim, cited the internet do you really believe that joe biden will be on any type of performance enhancing drug ahead of the debates or are you just joking no, im not joking. I mean, im willing to take a drug test. I think he should too. People say he was on performance enhancing drugs. A lot of people have said that a lot of people have written that who has said that well, take a look at it take a look. Why dont you just check you can check out the internet youll see, plenty of people say it they give him a big fat shot in the ass and he comes out [ laughter ] and for two hours, hes better than ever before seth sounds like trump just saw awakenings on the plane and thought it was a documentary. Also its telling thats how trump thinks you get a shot of adderall because it means thats how he gets a shot of adderall just give me a little booty bump doc, straight up the wazoo. Also very telling when the president sites a source that wouldnt be accepted on a high school term paper. And if bidens on performance enhancing drug, like whats your explanation then are you on performance decreasing drugs you know what drug you should you take you should take whatever drug makes you smile normal i mean, look at his neck strains. Thats a face you make when you slam a glass of o. J. Right after you brush your teeth looks like he tried to poison james bonds drinks but accidentally mixed up the glasses. Here you are james, i believe i had the martini, shaken, not stirred and you had the diet coke in a can. Oh, i switched them. Oh no, im tightening up can you get my epipen, james dont be a dick, james just do it, james. I need it in the butt, just straight up the whazoo oh, this you wont do, james after everything, this is the line you wont cross oh, the great james bond. So trump claimed his opponent was was the one who was senile and needed drugs to get through the debate and then the debate happened and trump not only couldnt keep his mouth shut, but when it was his turn to speak, he said stuff like this insulin, its going it was destroying families, destroying people because im getting it for so cheap, its like water you know, in europe, they live theyre forest cities. Theyre called forest cities the car has gotten so expensive because they have computers all over the place seth he sounds like a first time film student writing a scifi script in a starbucks open on, Moon Base Alpha nestled in a forest city, insulin flows like water the sky is filled with flying cars, which are expensive because they have computers all over the place. Maybe trump should stick to interrupting when he actually has to answer a question, he sounds like the worst member of your taboo team. Its a movie, they live in forest cities, computers all over the place [ buzzer ] it was star wars, but its not my fault i wasnt allowed to say star or wars. Evens trumps own campaign acknowledged privately that he went full psycho at the debate one person whos familiar with his debate prep, anderson, said they prepared him to be aggressive but not to be jason from friday the 13th, and that is the perception of how his performance was. Seth yeah. I mean, even jason didnt interrupt that much unless you were a sexy teen taking a shower jasons whole thing was that he was invulnerable and had super human strength trump always looks like he just climbed a ladder to get wherever he is. Looked like hed fall over with one push like a jenga tower. Why would you want to be jason at a debate any way . The plot of friday the 13th wasnt a mystical killer in hockey mask shouting down his rivals while laying out a vision for the future if anything, trump would be less scary if he wore a jason mask. Oh, thank god, it was just jason. But it was important to see one of trumps deranged conspiracy theories disproven in real time in front of a National Television audience, because hes counting on conspiracy theories to stay in power. Thats why he keeps repeating his completely unfounded lies about the dangers of mailin voting as he did again at the debate as far as the ballots are concerned, its a disaster if you have an unsolicited theyre sending millions of ballots all over the country theres fraud. They found them in creeks. They found some with the name trump, just happened to have the name trump, just the other day in a waste paper basket. They have mailmen with lots of did you see whats going on . Take a look at west virginia, mailmen selling the ballots . Theyre being sold theyre being dumped in rivers seth they found them in creeks and rivers . Why is he talking like a wild eyed frontiersman . Theres ballots down in them creeks and rivers. This will shock you. Thats completely made up. Theres no known instance of ballots being dumped in creeks or rivers, but im betting trump said that because he has definetyly dumped stuff in rivers when youre a new York Real Estate grifter with mob ties, the east river is basically your filing cabinet were not going to see trumps tax returns until theyre accidentally brought up in a fishing net. Never seen anything undervalue a golf course quite like that before well, just another day in the life of a maine fisherman. Thats not even the most insane version of trumps mail ballot fever dream. Recently, he told his supporters to watch out for ballots being flushed down toilets get out there, and vote and keep your eyes open if you see any shenanigans, which you probably will. Okay, if you see people dumping thing, flushing things seth so you want your supporters to watch out for ballots being flushed down the toilet first of all, theres a good chance trump thinks this is a voting booth ridiculous. I had to go all the way to a construction site to vote and it was not a pleasant experience. Second, trumps bombarding us with these lies for two reasons, one to destroy confidence in the election and make us all think its hopeless. And two, to set the stage for a Supreme Court battle that will hand him a victory even if he loses. Hes repeatedly said as much, including in tuesdays debate. Are you counting on the Supreme Court, including a Justice Barrett to settle any disputes yeah, i think im counting on them to look at the ballots, definitely we need nine justices. You need that. With the unsolicited millions of ballots that theyre sending, its a scam, its a hoax, Everybody Knows that and the democrats know it better than anybody else. So youre going to need nine justices up there. I think its going to be very important. Paper ballots are very simple. Whether they counterfeit them, forge them, do whatever you want seth counterfeit them, forge them, flush them, in fact, ive been going bathroom to bathroom recovering ballots that were flushed by democrats. Those were all votes for me. I just cant read them now. And republicans across the country with the help of Trumps Campaign are already setting the stage for just such a legal battle by suing to delay counting or invalidate ballots in swing states like wisconsin, pennsylvania, michigan and texas. Trumps strategy is two pronged, to undermine the election and to create the impression that hes inevitable we cannot get rid of him, but we can. Its in our power to end this. We can repudiate trump and the gop and give our democracy a big, fat shot in the ass. Seth this has been a closer look. 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Cheddar, jalapeno and sour cream onion the spicy nacho stack. I wish i could stack pringles but i dont have hands or a mouth to. Cool, play my dance playlist. Theres a flavor stack for everyone. Sort of. awith your next new vehicle . What kind of value are you looking for with subaru, you get Kelley Blue Books 2020 best resale value brand, 2020 lowest 5year cost to own brand, and most trusted brand for six consecutive years. No wonder Kelley Blue Book also picked subaru as their 2020 best overall brand. A trusted brand and a proven value. Its easy to love a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select new 2020 models, now through november 2nd. Seth all this week, weve had a great drummer back with us she is an up and coming touring and session drummer from chicago, illinois, whose videos have garnered millions of views. And be sure to check