Announcer tonight on late night with seth meyers Sarah Paulson, star of archer, actor and comedian h. Jon benjamin an allnew closer look, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and now seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . In that case, lets get to the news President Trump held a rally in pittsburgh, pennsylvania, last night. Look at all these people trump might be getting four more years, but im not so sure about the rest of you. During his rally in pennsylvania last night, President Trump attacked democratic governors for implementing Public Health measures and said, quote, you cant give your wife a kiss good night. Youve got to wear a mask. Thats ridiculous. Where did he hear that oh, yeah, yeah, of course. President trump tweeted yesterday that he will announce his Supreme Court nominee to replace Justice Ruth Bader ginsburg on saturday, as opposed to when Mitch Mcconnell wanted to do it, halfway through the funeral. I weve waited an appropriate amount of time. President trump spoke today at a ceremony to honor veterans of the cuban bay of pigs invasion and it was the first president ial speech to start with the words, according to wikipedia. Thats right, President Trump spoke at a ceremony to honor veterans of the failed bay of pigs invasion, which means one of his aides had a really long morning. We have pig soldiers . No, its thats just what its called. Where are the pig soldiers . You know what lets just lets just start over. We should we should probably look into pig soldiers, though just for the fun of it, i think. Because war is hell. Get a couple of pig soldiers in there, that might lighten up the mood what up . In a virtual address yesterday to the u. N. General assembly, President Trump criticized china over its environmental policies. Though it would have been more effective if the white house wasnt consumed by a wildfire midspeech according to a new poll, former Vice President joe biden and President Trump are tied in iowa, but this is weird, for second a lot of kanye fans in iowa. Former Vice President joe biden was reportedly late to a virtual fundraiser because he stopped at an atm to take out cash. Said the atm, please, call me mike. Today was National Checkers day. King me, said trump at a rally. Today was Bruce Springsteens 71st birthday. I dont know if hes old enough that he should be quarantined, but he definitely shouldnt be doing this not even if its back to back. Because i know you guys do that too. Just in general, just rule it out. Doritos has launched a new flavor called twisted lime despite promising back in 2016 not to release any new flavors in the last year of a president s term the steakhouse chain sizzler has filed for bankruptcy amid the coronavirus pandemic wow, this is tough, said everyone whos ever eaten there. Thats a perfect joke. That was a perfect joke for all of you, courtesy of alex bates and finally, because of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, Many Americans are planning to vote by mail for the upcoming election but there are five states texas, louisiana, indiana, South Carolina and mississippi that say the pandemic is not an excuse for anyone to vote by mail so we looked into what excuses these states will accept in a new segment called other mailin voting excuses. Seth in texas, theyll allow mailin voting if you remember to register, but forgot the alamo. Election day is this the same oh, my god [ light laughter ] we used to have like a game show song that we played for these. Did the game show song is the game show song recovering from corona election day falls on crew cut day at Mission Control this actually is your first rodeo, and you really need the practice in indiana, theyll allow mailin voting if you are gary you promise to swing by aunt judys and bring back a casserole dish or if youre on central time, but your voting location is on eastern time and you forgot daylight savings time ended and dont know when you are anymore. Louisiana only allows mailin voting if le bon temps are currently not rouleing. You lost both hands to a catfish while hillbilly handfishing. Or if you [ laughter ] i hate this song so much [ laughter ] by the way, it might be a different song but im hearing yesterdays song, because its still in my head and right now youre at home saying, whats wrong with this normal game show song you used to use . Or if you got to stay home to stir your mamas etouffee so it dont stick to the bottom of the pan. In mississippi [ laughter ] in mississippi, you can vote by mail if you live more than 100 mississippis from your polling location you got a hot hand in poker on a riverboat casino or if election day is the same day as you and your cousins wedding. And finally, in South Carolina, you can vote by mail if you have permission from hootie or at least two blowfish youre a confederate statue whos worried youll lose your place. Or if youre just too busy letting your mind wander sitting on the branch of an angel oak tree, skin dewy the heat, listening to the buzz of the tawny mole crickets, heart abursting with low country pride. Now, i want to stress, im going crazy for two reasons. This song, and also i wish you could see the cue card right now that has the tiniest sliver of light on it. Its not in total darkness so we have lights. [ laughter ] but they just want to catch just the edge, just the tiniest edge of my cue card which is the perfect companion piece to this [ bleep ] song [ laughter ] we got a great show for you tonight. My friend Sarah Paulson will be here her new show ratched is available now on netflix and he is the star of two of the biggest animated shows on television jon benjamin is here he is in bobs burgers as bob and archer in archer. Those are the titular roles. Those characters couldnt be more opposite and yet, it is the same guy i cant wait to talk to him. But before we get to all of that, the president held yet another rally where people were packed close together, despite the coronavirus pandemic after telling his supporters that virtually nobody is affected by a disease that has killed at least 200,000 americans. For more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth the president has been traveling the Country Holding big rallies with people packed closely together, often without masks and putting americans in danger in order to make himself feel better. And remember, viruses get passed on, so hes potentially exposing people who arent even at his rallies to the spread of coronavirus, all because the adoration of his fans soothes his ego. Just a tip, if youre a cashier at the chickfila closest to the rally venue, you might consider dressing like the bad guys from e. T. And by the way, this isnt hypothetical we already know his rally in tulsa led to a surge in cases there. At this point, trump rallies are one the list of highrisk activities, just like doorknob licking, hugging everyone on the subway and eating shrimp at the strip club buffet. And im not even sure what rally attendees are getting out of it for all the risks theyre taking complaining about things he recently watched on tv his rallies are like karaoke night at the concussion ward you could safely get the same experience facetiming with your uncle who lives in boca and eats dinner every night at 4 30 at red lobster. You have to get there early so they dont run out of the cheddar bay biscuits we love we love the cheddar bay. Dont we folks . For example, trump often tells two kinds of fake stories. Stories about going home to his wife melania after rallies and stories about generals and other people who come up to him and call him sir obviously all these stories are made up. Even trump seems to have trouble keeping track of his bull[ bleep ] because yesterday at his rally in pennsylvania, he mixed them up. Last night now, i went home and i tell you this, i go home all the time first lady, howd you like the crowd . Sir, i didnt see it. I didnt see it. But i didnt see it, donald. I didnt see it. Sometimes shell call me mr. President but shes only kidding, believe me. Seth your wife calls you sir . Are you married to marcie . And if so, marcie, what are you doing . Stop pretending to be something we all know youre not while i can enjoy trump forgetting he was telling a fake melania story and slipping into a sir story, i do wish it was the other way around chances are most people at a trump rally think a wife should call a husband sir, but none of them would not be okay if a general called you darling this general came up to me. Big guy, tough guy, hands like frying pans. And he took me by the shoulder and said, darling, you were great tonight. And then gave me the tiniest kiss, tiniest kiss on the lips a pair of butterfly wings. Why is blood coming out of everyones ears . The truth is melania doesnt call you anything. Not sir, not mr. President maybe a you, again . I doubt theyve spoken at all during the last four years, except for maybe that one time they were leaving the white house and he pointed at a puddle doesnt do anything for her, just points at the puddle. Did your marriage counselor recommend finding things you both have in common . Oh look, water. Melania likes water. Ive seen her drink water. You know what . Ill point at it point at it so she doesnt miss it you know what . Its hard to believe, just yesterday, that was frosty the snowman. Tragic loss. Tragic loss of frosty but it is my constitutional right to appoint a replacement for frosty and im happy to announce that our newest addition to beloved christmas mascot is [ bleep ] the penguin. That was my first thats the first time im putting eyes on [ bleep ] and i feel the Graphics Department did a really nice job so trump says that his wife calls him sir, but sure, joe biden is the one in cognitive decline. Ive never heard biden make a mistake like that. The one time he mixed up his wife and his sister, he immediately corrected himself. By the way, this is my little sister valerie and im joes husband. Oh, no you switched on me this is my wife. This is my sister. They switched on me. Seth yeah, i mean, sure. It would be ideal if it hadnt happened at all. But if that had been trump, he would have insisted he was right. Why are you laughing . This is my wife melania. Sir, im the Vice President. Come here, melania, let me give you a kiss oh, melania is icy tonight. And the melania story mix up was still probably the most coherent thing he said. Weird dynamic has developed with trump where he routinely says some of the most depraved, authoritarian thing a president has ever uttered and as a nation, we mostly just him pass by without comment we treat him like a guy handing out leaflets on the subway i wouldnt be surprised if at the first debate, joe biden just put in earbuds and started playing minecraft on his phone. For example, on monday at another at another excuse me one of his coronavirus coughathons in ohio, trump told his supporters that virtually nobody is affected by the coronavirus as the total number of deaths in the u. S. Hit 200,000. It affects elderly people, elderly people with heart problems and other problems. If they have other problems, thats what it really affects, thats it. You know, in some states thousands of people, nobody young. Below the age of 18, like nobody they have a strong immune system who knows . You look you take your hat off to the young, because they have a hell of an immune system. But it affects virtually nobody. Its an amazing thing. Seth imagine standing there and listening to the president tell you who dies from a virus and having it describe you to a t. It affects old people old people with heart issues, maybe diabetes people who gather, gather in large groups without a mask, theyre certainly in the danger zone. Must be such a weird drive home. Hey honey, do you think my pacemaker counts as a heart issue . But yeah, man, its an amazing thing that nobody is really affected by this deadly and highly contagious virus. Im sure all those people died just to make you look bad. I heard they were deep state, antifa terrorists paid for by george soros to stop breathing theyre probably not even dead theyre probably all hanging out on an antifa island talking about how much they love socialism and fake news. The president is a deeply sick man. Usually when you hear someone some one talk like that, theyre being fitted for a Hannibal Lecter mask or holding a sign in times square coronavirus isnt real. Covid is currently the third highest cause of death in the u. S. 200,000 people have died many more could die in the coming months. And the president is out there telling people, six months in, that virtually nobody is affected just because youre not affected doesnt mean nobodys affected youre safe because you and everyone around you get tested every day and you get the results back instantly meanwhile, regular people had to wait in their cars for hours like they were lined up at a tollbooth trying to leave new jersey during the Third Quarter of a jets game or a giants game theyre both theyre both bad at football. I say that risking the fact that the giants are the team all the security guards like also, one more thing its not true that coronavirus only affects the elderly and people with preexisting conditions but even if it were, thats like half the population. Its like if an ax murderer was on the loose and the cops were like, dont worry, it only affects sexy teens taking showers. And trump knows better he knows better. Remember, he told Journalist Bob Woodward in those taped conversations that the coronavirus was actually very infectious and very deadly and didnt just affect the elderly in fact, he went out of his way to say young people could get sick too it goes through air, bob. Thats always tougher than the touch, you know. The touch, you dont have to touch things, right . But the air, you just breathe the air and thats how its passed its also more deadly than your, you know even your strenuous flus so this is deadly stuff. This thing is a killer if it gets you if youre the wrong person, you dont have a chance. Its a monster. Rips you apart. This is a scourge and it is the plague. Now its turning out its not just old people, bob, but just today and yesterday, some startling facts came out its not just old, older yeah, exactly its plenty of young people seth its amazing how different he sounds in private when he wants to impress someone he thinks is important its like seeing larry the cable guy in a fancy restaurant wearing sleeves and Holding Forth on wine varietals. Trump almost sounds normal its like a local news story where a guy gets hit on a head with a paint can and becomes a genius, except trump probably got hit in the head with a golf ball after shanking it in the woods and ricocheting it off a tree coronavirus is a hoax on the other hand, i did read a double blind peerreviewed Clinical Study that suggests aerosols are a more concerning vector than fomites. Did i say fomites . I meant yosemites seth remember . We forget that that also happened hearing trump in the woodward tapes is like the original homer simpson. Its a completely different person thats homer i thought that was Walter Matthau sal gentile writes some trenchant political commentary, but he also got that old homer joke in. So we know that trump is at least capable of understanding the deadly reality of the virus, which makes his lies about it all the more psychotic and criminally negligent he knows people will die and hes telling them not to worry anyway hes president big tobacco anyone else doing that would get sued or go to jail if an auto manufacturer told people their car was perfectly safe even though they knew there were no air bags and the brakes were 50 50, theyd get in trouble. Of course, if they just called it magarati, 40 of the country would rush to buy it so they could own the libs by driving off freedom cliff. The simple fact is the same people who spent any amount of time with him know trump is a deeply disturbed individual with no regard for human life, doesnt care about anyone or anything unless it can enrich or empower him. We keep hearing that same story over and over from people who worked for him, quit, called him unfit for office after leaving every three days, theres another book by a former administration official. And not one of them has been titled he was very nice and that was fine. I mean, think about how many people have left trumps inner circle or his administration and basically said hes a sociopath whos incapable of doing the job. It cant be a coincidence that all these people worked with him and now hate his guts. Like if you were manager at best buy and 50 50 of your employees quit and they all said its because the new guy brad kept putting pictures of his butthole up on the 4k ultra hd tvs, your reaction wouldnt be like, well, i guess theyre leaving because theyre walmart fans. Take for example, olivia troye, former advisor to Vice President mike pence who worked on the Coronavirus Task forcee trump didnt care if people died from the virus, including including his own supporters the truth is, he doesnt actually care about anyone else but himself. He made a statement once that was very striking. I never forgot it because it pretty much defined who he was when we were in a task force meeting, the president said, maybe this covid thing is a good thing i dont like shaking hands with people i dont have to shake hands with these disgusting people. Those disgusting people are the same people that he claims to care about these are the people still going to his rallies today who have complete faith in who he is. Seth im surprised trump ever shook hands with his supporters hes a wealthy germophobe who lived in a golden penthouse and traveled everywhere by limo. Of course he was disgusted by interacting with normal, nonrich people. Even before the pandemic, he probably finished his rallies and then sent mike pence out to shake hands in a trump disguise. I really dont want to do this, sir. Then maybe you shouldnt have been so stingy with your kisses behind this guy all so they can win and