President trump said, quote, i guess everybody makes mistakes. Yeah, but there are mistakes, and then there are mistakes. When i overwater one of my plants the economy stays open and americans can still travel to canada. During an interview yesterday, President Trump refused to say whether he would accept the results of novembers election if he loses to former Vice President joe biden, which is completely terrifying and antidemocratic, but also dont you wish democrats would have that kind of fighting spirit al gore lost by like nine votes and just said, well, the people have spoken. During the interview, President Trump also said hes not a good loser. Oh, stop it. You are the biggest loser i know enough of that talk. According to a new poll, former Vice President joe biden has a 15point lead over President Trump nationally though, dont get too excited, thanks to some creative gerrymandering, no matter who you are, this is your closest polling place. According to a new poll, 55 of voters in the south consider the Confederate Flag to be a symbol of racism. Though they didnt do nearly as well on the followup question, and thats bad, right . Crayola has announced it will offer a School Mask Pack for kids that includes five face masks, a calendar card to help parents and children plan daily use, and a mesh laundry bag for easy washing that story again, crayola has a more well thought outback to school plan than new york city in an effort to be more environmentally conscious, ikea has announced it will begin offering plantbased swedish meatballs. That should really hit the spot as you walk your way through their 50 thousand square foot tree graveyard doctors in japan recently removed a live worm from a womans tonsils. Officials are calling it the least terrifying medical news of 2020 we have some good news for you. You just had a live worm on your tonsils. So we are going to send you home. And finally, Ohio Governor mike dewine said in an interview yesterday that he was worried the surge of coronavirus cases means his state, quote, could become florida. Buddy, you wish, said a coked up alligator on a jet ski. Thats the monologue and, remember, t f weve got a great show for you tonight my friend, colin jost has a great new book out called, a very punchable face a memoir. Im always happy to see him. And if you havent seen the new film, palm springs, you should its getting rave reviews and stars cristin milioti, who will be here to chat all about it but first, a closer look. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the captains quarters. Now here at the show we have always been responsive to viewer feedback and criticism so id just like to say to those of you who are not necessarily huge fans of my new sidekick the sea captain, we hear you and we are taking it under advisement now, you should know this feelings sea captains are people too seth but as ive told him, thats one of the hard realities of show business maybe this old mariner just wasnt cut out for the rocky shores of hollywood. Seth and speaking of deranged conversations that dont go anywhere, President Trump gave a truly terrifying interview in which he made clear he does not care about the pandemic thats raging out of control as he sends secret police to an American City to snatch protesters off the streets. For more on this, its time for for a closer look. Seth the countrys in the midst of a spiraling pandemic that has killed 140 thousand americans and left tens of millions unemployed. And yet the president has, according to republican officials, people close to him and our own eyes and ears decided to just move on from the crisis an adviser to the republican governor of texas where the outbreak is spreading out of control told the New York Times over the weekend, the president got bored with it. Oh, im sorry, commodus, were you not entertained . Seriously, you were bored with the pandemic bored with the quarantine i understand ive watched so much netflix, the onscreen message changed. But youre bored with the pandemic thats your job. Would you have preferred if the coronavirus had a swimsuit contest . And even when he can be bothered to talk about the coronavirus outbreak, he cant help but immediately veer into a topic thats more interesting to him like his tv ratings. Today he announced hed be bringing back his humiliating press briefing slash therapy sessions, not because theres an out of control pandemic thatutee his tv ratings were so good. Well, we had very successful briefings. I was doing that and we had a lot of people watching, Record Numbers watching in the history of cable television, theres never been anything like it so i think well start that probably starting tomorrow ill do it at 5 00 like we were doing we had a good slot. A lot of people were watching and thats a good thing. Seth the ratings were incredible people are spending a lot more time inside watching tv for some reason. It sucks so hard that we have a president who says things like we had a good slot. Hes bored by coronavirus, but he loves tv. Were hoping in the fall they put me on after this is us, that would be a hell of a leadin. Also, of course, the ratings were good. People are locked inside with nothing to watch, desperate for information about the out of control virus you failed to stop ratings for wheel of fortune would be up too if pat sajak went on a killing spree and announced his next victims via puzzle pat, id like to solve. Youre next, dan from rochester. Of course, trump doesnt actually care about the deadly virus thats spreading he wants to resume the briefings so he can do what he always does, whine about how unfairly hes been treated. Threaten his political opponents with state violence. Fight with reporters and speculate wildly about dumb new treatments until dr. Fauci covers his entire face fauci, what have you, and im just blue skying here, ate a battery and took a bath in peptobismol would that cure the virus, fauci . Fauci, why are you wearing so many masks . So, trump is bored with the pandemic and you can tell hes bored from what hes been choosing to focus on instead, beans and trucks on a day when 941 people died of the coronavirus in this country, this is what is front of mind for the president , beans. The president giving an endorsement to goya, a day after his daughter ivanka trump did the same, weighing into this bizarre culture war after goyas ceo was criticized on social media for effusively praising the president. During an official event at the white house, it became a photo op for the president , looking to move past the pandemic and look toward the november election, the president claiming the biggest threat to this country is his rival, democratic president ial nominee, joe biden. The event turned into a campaignstyle rally the president had pickup trucks and giant weights symbolizing government regulation. The president only mentioning the coronavirus once seth on the same day the u. S. Set another daily record with 75 thousand new cases, the president was playing with trucks on the white house lawn like he was lured into one of those chevy commercials. Jd power, isnt he part of the deep state this looks like one of those summer replacement game shows where if you get an answer wrong, Ellen Degeneres drops a truck on you at what point can we consider an obsession with trumps disqualifying attribute for a president . I mean, adults are allowed to have whatever hobbies they want. But if bill clinton had shown up to every press conference with a tamagotchi, republicans definitely wouldve impeached him a second time. Now, if you excuse me, i got to go feed this little fella. I mean, having a president obsessed with trucks is like having a president obsessed with trains amid a National Health crisis and record unemployment, the federal government led by a bored and sadistic president has abandoned us they simply do not care about the 140 thousand americans who have died, the tens of millions who have lost jobs, the 5 million who have lost health insurance, or the 23 million who face eviction in the coming months this is the result of decades of conservative governance that has raided the treasury to dole out billions in defense spending and tax cuts for the wealthy while hollowing out everything else. Now we have a puddingbrained infomercial salesman whos more interested in what happens to a dead confederate general than a living middle schoolteacher trying to convince us that statues and graffiti are more important than a pandemic thats caused massive suffering and even when he was asked point blank about the Record Number of new cases by foxs Chris Wallace this weekend, trump basically shrugged im going to do you a favor cause im sure a lot of people listening right now are going to say, trump, he tries to play it down, he tries to make it not seem as serious as it is. I dont im not no this is very serious 75 thousand cases a day show me the deaths chart. Well, i dont have the death chart. Well, the death chart is much more important but i can tell you the death chart is a thousand cases a day. Excuse me its all too much. It shouldnt be one case it came from china they should have never let it escape they should have never let it out. But it is what it is seth it is what it is, is a fine thing to hear from a Drinking Buddy as he promises you that in time you will forget about denise but when the it is a pandemic and the guy saying it is the president , thats a problem. Had fdr responded to pearl harbor with a [ bleep ] happens tshirt, wed probably feel different about him today we certainly wouldnt honor him with the finest strip of road along the east river thats ever existed. Also, i love that wallace started out by saying im going to do you a favor, and then trump immediately interrupts him. Thats how bad a strategist he is someone says, im going to do you a favor, you freeze like a squirrel in a park until you find out the favor you dont start an argument. Second, its not reassuring when presented with evidence of a rapidly spreading disease, your answer is show me the death chart. You know, because that implies there are enough deaths for a chart. In fact, if you work in any Office Setting and you have death charts lying around, something isnt right. Hey brad, Regional Sales are looking really good this quarter. Thats fantastic, linda. Hey, would you hand me the death chart, you know, the big one that folds out . In fact, if this interview revealed anything, its that the president is far less concerned with the deadly virus sweeping through this nation than he is with proving that he supposedly did well on a test designed to detect cognitive defects that he constantly brags about except this time he was challenged by the host Chris Wallace in a way he obviously was not expecting. Lets take a test lets take a test right now. Lets go down, joe and i will take a test. Let him take the same test that i took incidentally, i took the test too when i heard that you passed it yeah. How did you do well, its not the hardest test no, but the last it has a picture and it days whats that and its an elephant no, no. You see, thats all misrepresentation. Well, thats what it was on the web. Its all misrepresentation. Because, yes, the first few questions are easy but ill bet you couldnt even answer the last five questions ill bet you couldnt. They get very hard the last five questions. Well, one of them was count back from a hundred by seven and let me tell you you couldnt answer you couldnt answer all right, whats the question many of the questions id get you the test id like to give it. Seth heres a question that should be on trumps next cognitive test name one question from your last cognitive test if youre going to constantly brag about how well you did, you should at least be able to cite one of the questions if you come home and tell your parents you aced your driving test and they asked you what you did, you cant just shrug and say, i dont know, car stuff because then theyre going to know you skipped it and had your buddy print out a fake i. D also, i dont know whats more alarming that trump even had to take this test in the first place or how proud he is with how he did. Its possible this is the first test he ever passed that he took himself. He probably paid an m. I. T. Student to come with him. But then when he saw how easy it was, sent him home elephant, well, i know what that is. Get out of here, poindexter. Im not paying you, poindexter the deal was if you took the test good news, i wasnt going to pay you anyway dont be sad, poindexter. I genuinely cant believe this was a Real Exchange that happened at the white house. If you read this transcript without any names attached, youd think they were doctors notes from a psych ward. Also, there is no [ bleep ] way trump can count backwards from 100 by sevens. The money i would pay to see him try that 100, and then youre into the 90s. Some people say 95 some people say 92 i had a guy come up to me the other day. Big guy, tough guy, tears in his eyes, and he said, sir, i think its 91. And i said, obama, he wouldnt let you say that but i will, i will. the only cognitive test weve ever needed for trump is a camera and a microphone and hes failed it a hundred times. We know this weve also known since long before he was president that he admires and seeks to emulate tyrants and despots. The guy doesnt know how many articles there are on the constitution, but hes repeatedly bragged about his good relationships with authoritarian leaders and defended some of the most horrific human rights abuses in history. Like, for example, the Tienanman Square massacre. Mr. Trump, [ applause ] some of your republican critics have expressed concern about comments you have made praising authoritarian dictators. You have said positive things about putin as a leader and about chinas massacre of pro democracy protesters at tienanmen square you said, quote, when the students poured into the tienanmen square, the Chinese Government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength that shows you the power of strength. How do you respond that doesnt mean i was endorsing that i was not endorsing it i said that is a strong, powerful government that put it down with strength and they kept down the riot. It was a horrible thing. It doesnt mean at all i was endorsing it seth yes, you were trump refuses to be pinned down about anything one day hell say youre his best friend. The next hell pretend hes never met you. When he named his eldest son after himself, he probably wrote on the birth certificate, this is not an endorsement. The tienanmen square protests were Peaceful Demonstrations led by students calling for democratic reform. But trump sees any peaceful challenge to the status quo as a riot instigated by terrorists, which is how despots talk. And he issued a chilling threat to send more federal officers to American Cities after lying about the protests in portland on sunday. More federal Law Enforcement that i can tell you in portland, theyve done a fantastic job you know, if you look at whats gone on in portland, those are anarchists and weve taken a very tough stand if we didnt take a stand in portland you know, weve arrested many of these leaders if we didnt take that stand, right now you would have a problem they were going to lose portland. Seth what the hell are you talking about they were going to lose portland, to who . Oh, okay they were playing a long game, huh . People in portland are anything but anarchists restaurants in portland have more rules than a manhattan coop board. If you dont put your banana peel in the compost bin, they will drive you to city limits in a solarpowered car and leave you there. This guy is so detached from reality. Everything in his yogurt brain is a Steven Seagal movie n ortland is under siege so i attack force, out for justice. What were seeing in cities across the country are peaceful protests against Police Brutality and systemic racism demanding change to an unjust and oppressive system. But trump is only capable of emulating the authoritarian despots he admires, which is exactly what hes doing in portland there are secret Police Operating on the streets of an American City under the direction of the president and the past week they have been recorded snatching a protester off the street and forcing him into an unmarked car and shooting another peaceful protester with a nonlethal round in the head. These agents have been driving unmarked vehicles and teargassing protesters while refusing to identify themselves. Oregon public broadcasting chased the story down, reporting, quote, federal Law Enforcement officers have been using unmarked vehicles to drive around Downtown Portland and detain protesters since at least tuesday. Personal accounts and multiple videos posted online show the officers driving up to people, detaining individuals with no explanation about why theyre being arrested, and driving off. Trump is using these federal forces as a personal Paramilitary Force that is what dictators do. That is not what president s of a democratic republic do seth oh, good, a mentally incontinent man toddler has his own personal Paramilitary Force. In addition to kidnapping protesters and stuffing them into unmarked vans, hes probably got them in the white house kitchen trying to open a can of goya beans. Ive never opened a can before. I tried to eat the last one but it got lodged in my esophagus. So much of our democratic system relies on norms. And trump freely just shatters all of them. For example, as joe biden opened up a 15point lead in new polls, trump said on sunday he would not necessarily accept the outcome of the election as legitimate because mailin balloting, a thing americans including trump himself have been doing for a century and a half might somehow rig the election i thi