Mint condition theyre kidney beans, not a rocket firing boba fett. And look, i know hes trying to encourage people to buy goya, but it looks like more like one of those photos where d. E. A. Agents pose with kilos of cocaine they just seized or who knows, maybe its a local production of glengarry glen ross. Second prize, a weeks supply of goya. Third prize is youre fired. Looks like an episode of racist iron chef. Todays secret ingredient is goya beans. I guess i could make beans. President trump announced yesterday that he has demoted Campaign ManagerBrad Parscale and replaced him with his deputy Campaign Manager though that ones on you, trump. You really thought he was going to make you look good when he made himself look like that . He looks like a Civil War Soldier who was sent home because of weak blood. Infectious disease expert Anthony Fauci said in an interview yesterday that despite the white houses effort to discredit him, he has not thought about resigning him, which is too bad cause theres another doctor that is just waiting for a chance i dont know, man have you have you considered putting on some rick and morty and just letting the virus do its thing . Im a rick guy ill admit it. Rick gets me. Hackers yesterday hijacked the twitter accounts of several public figures including former president obama, rapper kanye west and microsoft co founder, bill gates as part of a cryptocurrency scam. Said kanye, no, mine was actually me. Rapper kanye west political adviser said in a new interview that west is no longer trying to run for president. As for what hes going to do instead, his political advisers said to ask again later. In a new interview, Infectious Disease expert Anthony Fauci said that he gets 700 emails a day. Apparently, he once ordered something from crate barrel. And thats on me. That was a i shouldnt have done that. Ill take the full blame for that. A Coronavirus Vaccine developed by a lab in the u. S. Is entering its final stage of testing trials later this month. And officials are hopeful they could be botching the rollout as early as january Music Streaming Service spotify announced today that the Michelle Obama podcast will debut later this month and as soon as the transcriptions are ready, so will the Melania Trump podcast authorities in delaware are investigating a recent robbery at a local pizza shop where the owner threw a pizza at the robber in selfdefense added the delivery guy, so, yeah, thats thats why it looks like that. And finally, according to a new report, men should limit their Alcohol Consumption to one beverage a day so now i have the other five at night. That was the monologue hope you enjoyed it weve got a great show for you tonight. The one and only, martin short will be here and her new film, the old guard is out now on Netflix Kiki Layne will be my guest. But first, a closer look. Seth hello, everyone and welcome back to the Captains Quarters on the s. S. Pandemic. As weve established, i found my way here via a portal that connects my attic door to my inlaws fireplace, leading many of you to ask, whats happening in the attic now that youre gone . Well, according to my dear friend and attic sitter, ethan hawke, the wasps have taken over the cameras and are filming their very own late night show. But apparently they spend the whole time complaining about this one moth thats king of the insects. And i dont know to me it sounds like that would get pretty repetitive. And speaking of dumb jokes, the president shook up his flailing campaign as the coronavirus outbreak spirals further out of control. And now, hes honing in on two key reelection strategies, less testing and more racism. For more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth given that the countrys currently on fire after a once in a century cataclysm inflamed by the president s cruelty and incompetence, hes had some trouble coming up with a solid reelection message. Its never a great sign when your own Campaign Manager is advertising face masks with your name on them each breath you take could be the one that kills you four more years . Which is why he called a fake press conference on tuesday to spin his wheels and try out yet another deranged campaign message, the democrats want to abolish everything these are actual key elements of the bidensanders unity platform abolish, immigration, detention. Theyre going to abolish immigration enforcement. Abolish Law Enforcement as we know it. Abolish completely the death penalty. They want to abolish our police departments. They want to abolish our prisons, i guess abolish all charter schools. Abolish educational standards. Abolish in the suburbs youre going to abolish the suburbs with this. Seth first of all, most of that sounds awesome. All youre doing is listing a bunch of things people hate and claiming the democrats will get rid of them. Democrats want to abolish telemarketers, the dmv, gatecrashing at the airport, and inlaws. And of course, i would never abolish inlaws. If anyone else owned this house, theyd probably want me to cease taping a Television Show immediately. Also, i love how transparent he is that hes just making stuff up when he says, they want to abolish prisons, i guess. He sounds like your dad describing a movie he saw on tnt last night as he was falling asleep they were on a boat, i guess. And tom hanks was in it, i think. And it was just a disagreement as to who was captain. Im the captain seth oh, sorry, i wasnt talking about you. Okay. Seth third, when trump said democrats want to abolish the suburbs, he was talking about a program implemented by the Obama Administration to desegregate the suburbs by enforcing the Fair Housing Act of 1968, which outlawed discrimination and racial segregation in housing. So not only was trumps lie racist, it was absurd. He makes it sound like democrats are trying to ban strip malls and cul desacs they want to take away your hot topics and your auntie annes. But were not gonna let that happen, folks. I mean without suburbs, who will borrow our pruning shears and not return them . Where will our adorable space aliens land and befriend our children where will our fathers painstakingly restore classic cars in a vein and desperate attempt to recapture their youth . This is all trump has left, racist grievance politics. In the middle of a raging pandemic that is spiraling out of control, has killed nearly 140,000 americans and put tens of millions out of work, the president took time out of his day to pose with a bunch of goya Food Products on the Oval Office Desk well, at least he didnt have to clear anything off his desk to take this photo. He looks like a divorcee trying to prove hes fine by posting on facebook, about to make dinner. So sorry, leslie, i guess i can do this by myself. But at least that smile that smile on the president s face is sincere. Lets just punch in on that. Jesus. Its like he just took a big swig of ice water and forgot he had a temporary filling. The u. S. Set a record for new daily coronavirus cases on tuesday, but by all means, celebrate with a chocolate wafer. And to anyone who would promote a product from the oval office during a pandemic, goya [ bleep ] yourself [ laughter ] good one, seth. [ laughter ] seth thank you, captain. Thank you for the wordplay. Seth the thing is, none of this is working. Yesterday, trump got yet another devastating poll result when quinnipiac found that he was behind by biden by 15 points, and that a stunning 60 of americans disapprove of trumps job performance. I guess my only question about that is, who are the other 40 . Do they all work at the lysol factory . And yes, i know weve been here before, so we absolutely must be cautious it is by no means a given that trump will lose. But as nbc news reported this week, the Trump Campaign has struggled to land a punch on biden. As nbc reported, the Trump Campaign feels like none of the president s attacks have worked. He has tried tagging biden as untrustworthy, corrupt joe and lethargic sleepy joe. But it hasnt dragged biden down with voters as trump had hoped sleepy sounds pretty good when youve had four years of exhaustion, a white house official quipped and its hard to tag someone else as sleepy and corrupt when you look like a mafia don who falls asleep in his spaghetti. But yeah, sleepy sounds great, and thats biden hes a human ambien. Hes so boring that even when he starts telling a story about some knife fight between rival gangs at a public pool, your first reaction is to say, dont start until i get my blanket. And thats great you know what id give to go one day without waking up and immediately seeing six different news alerts on my phone about crazy [ bleep ] the president did . At this point, id vote for one of those drinking birds. So now trump is shaking up his campaign, demoting his Campaign Manager, Brad Parscale, after the campaigns embarrassing tulsa debacle, in which trump spoke to an empty arena that somehow also managed to seed a coronavirus outbreak and im no expert, but generally speaking, things are not going great when youre firing your Campaign Manager 100 days before the election thats like a jockey jumping off his horse in the home stretch and deciding to run the rest of the way. But hey, at least parscale can go back to his old job as the, i dont know, drummer for a norwegian black metal band dude looks like an outofshape Conor McgregorTrumps Campaign is sputtering because the Coronavirus Crisis isnt a problem trump can just b. S. His away out of its a real thing with real consequences, and the only way to make those go away is by governing, which is just not in his skill set. In fact, when it comes to actually governing, trump has had one very specific obsession since the start of the this pandemic, and thats his obsession with slowing down testing for coronavirus so he can hide the numbers and make himself him look better. And because trump isnt just a criminal, but a dumb criminal, he has openly confessed to this many times one of the first times was in back in march when he said publicly that he would prefer not to let american coronavirus patients off a cruise ship, because it would make the numbers worse. I mean, frankly, if it were up to me, i would be inclined to say leave everybody on the ship for a period of time and then use the ship as your base. But a lot of people would rather do it a different way. They would rather quarantine people when they land. Now, when they do that, our numbers are going to go up, okay our numbers are going to go up they would like to have the people come off. I would like to have the people stay but i go with them i told them to make the final decision i would rather, because i like the numbers being where they are. I dont need to have the numbers double because of one ship id rather have them stay on, personally seth thats right. President jigsaw over here openly said he wanted to keep americans trapped on an infected cruise ship like some sort of coronavirusthemed escape room which, even if there was no coronavirus, thered still be punishment, because no one ever leaves an escape room happier than when they entered in my experience theres always a fight or whose fault it was that you couldnt solve the riddle hidden under the fortune tellers crystal ball or whatever beth, i told you there was a clue in the tarot cards, but you spent all your time rubbing the magic genie lamp happy birthday, beth, and go to hell. Trump has repeated this desire to hide the true extent of the crisis from americans many times. At a white house event on monday, for example, a reporter asked him about the lie that more testing leads to more cases, and he offered this truly incoherent response. President trump, youve said many times that the number of coronavirus cases is going up because testing is increasing. Thats right. Do you acknowledge that its going up for other reasons, too . For example, that its actually spreading . And what are you going to do to stop the spread . Well, you know that we have one of the lowest mortality rates anywhere if you know, biden and obama stopped their testing. And they just stopped it you probably know that im sure you dont want to report it. But they stopped testing right in the middle, they just went, no more testing, and on a much lesser problem than the problem that we have, obviously with respect to this is the worst thing thats happened since probably 1917. This is a very bad all over the world, 188 countries right now. But, no, we are we test more than anybody, by far and when you test, you create cases. So weve created cases seth okay. Theres so much brain diarrhea to wade through here, i might have to borrow the sea captains ship arrgh, shes a hearty vessel, but no match for that rusty chop seth gross okay, first of all, youre not creating cases the cases are there, whether you test for them or not you dont create a fire by putting a smoke alarm in your house. If someone gets sick, theyre sick whether they get tested or not. Its not like theyre at home lying in bed with a 104 degree fever and no sense of taste or smell saying, hey, as long as i dont get tested, i dont have to get treated now to spend the next three days crawling to my kitchen. Second, why do you keep saying the 1918 spanish flu pandemic happened in 1917 trump has said this more times than i can count, and apparently no one has corrected him we have a very unusual situation where something came in that nobody has seen for many, many decades, probably 1917 would be the closest analogy, if you look at it the likes of which this world has not seen since 1917. Nothing like this since 1917 last time was of this magnitude, 1917. Thats a long time ago we havent seen anything like this in 100 and someodd years 1917 but 1917, so thats over 100 years ago. 1917, which was the greatest of them all, right . 1917 in 1917, had they had the internet and all the means of communication, they could have practiced distancing 1917, the pandemic it was something 1917, thats something you all know what happened in 1917. The big one was 1917 1917 who would have thought 1917 . Seth its weird, because its arguably the least offensive thing hes ever done, and yet its so infuriating. Just get it right. Its like if genghis khan kept saying, supposably. But of course he got the year wrong. Hes probably been getting dates wrong his whole life last year, he sent don jr. A birthday card that said, congrats on turning eight, or whatever. So trump has been very clear about the fact that he wants to slow down testing, because it makes him look bad and now, hes getting his wish today, it was reported that the cdc had removed some coronavirus Hospital Data from its website after the Trump Administration announced a plan to send that information to the administration and not the cdc and im sorry, but the last person id trust with any kind of data is donald trump. The dude brags that he can drink water with one hand and identify a camel on a piece of paper. Youd think he just got out of a decadelong coma and on top of that, were once again were seeing nationwide testing problems and delays, with cars lined up for hours in the scorching heat and a major Testing Company announcing that the turnaround for tests is now seven days, with some waiting even longer. Im carter evans in california, where lines just to get a covid test stretch for blocks in arizona, one of the hardest hit states, the wait is up to 12 hours the turnaround time for our testing in arizona is really bad. You can get your test and those results may not come back for seven or eight days. It took eight days for Atlanta MayorKeisha Lance Bottoms to learn she was positive seth eight days . It takes as long to get your covid test as it took trump to get down that ramp ramp joke if we had two cameras, that would have been a we would have taken a closeup there. Whats the point of even getting a test if it takes that long for the results to come back its like, if your car alarm went off eight hours after it was stolen trumps getting exactly what he wanted, slower testing meanwhile, trump and the people around him are tested constantly, and their results come back right away as long as theyre safe, trump couldnt care less about you but voters see through it, which is why his poll numbers are bad as theyve ever been the Biden Campaign must turn on the news every day and say to themselves our numbers are going to go up seth this has been a closer look. 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