President trump said that he knows the u. S. Is past the peak of a pandemic because he was quote, looking at graph and models. Or more likely, looking at graphs and thinking about models i wonder what Kathy Ireland is doing right now. Probably not wasting her time looking at a bunch of stupid graphs. According to a new poll, voters overwhelmingly want former Vice President joe biden to choose a running mate with governing experience said one man, i already told you, joe, no. Cmon, lets freaky friday this thing. Uh no. Senator Elizabeth Warren said yesterday she would be former Vice President joe bidens running mate if he asked while senator Amy Klobuchar said shed be his running mate even if he didnt President Trump held an event at the white house today celebrating truckers and he was pretty disappointed they didnt bring that lady from their mud flaps. Oh, im sorry, mr. President. That is just a drawing. No, i know, but where is the lady the drawing is based on you dont just make that up. According to a new study, the u. S. May need to keep social distancing measures to fight the coronavirus outbreak until 2022. For more on this, its time for a panic attack seth 2022 are you [ bleep wake up. Seth wake up. Seth Actor Matthew Mcconaughey posted a video online showing people how to make a face mask out of a bandana. And then Cate Blanchett showed people how to kill the virus with a withering look. The coast guard recently seized 1,700 pounds of cocaine from a fishing boat off the coast of central america. Which is a shame, because they were about to get a lot of fishing done according to the new york post, there is a new trend of americans getting dumped on zoom or zumped. Its bad, but not as bad as getting zivorced now, honey, i dont know how to tell you this. I want a zivorced. Youre not its jumpy the audios bad. I didnt the New York Times has published an article about the increasing popularity of llamathemed childrens toys said their biggest rival toys, guess alpaca my bags then. Alpaca my bags. Karen chee wrote that joke lets throw a picture of karen up there she looks she looks nice. But now you know after that joke terrible person. A brewery in georgia is offering a new beer named after Infectious Disease expert dr. Anthony fauci called fauci spring they were going to make one for President Trump, but it turns out no one likes a bitter stout. And finally, police in maryland yesterday reminded residents in a Facebook Post to wear pants when leaving the house to check their mailboxes. And added, you know who you are. Said one resident, oh, bother. Id thats a cminus winnie the pooh. That was the monologue weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is back he and nick kroll have a new podcast called oh, hello the pdcast. 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Theres a tidy cats for that so can your skin lather, rinse, refresh with dove men care body wash that washes away germs and moisturizes skin to refresh you and your skin with every shower theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Seth hello, everyone, and welcome back to the attic crawl space. The tiny door back there as well as the various mini series books mysteriously appearing over here on this side table and i just want to say i am really hoping a copy of the john adams biography that inspired the john adams mini series staring Paul Giamatti will show up but with an infestation of mini series books like this, you dont get to choose the titles they just show up. Anyway, speaking of president s, classic segue, President Trump seems intent on reopening the economy by the end of the month, even though he doesnt have the power to do that, and Public Health experts have warned against it for more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth since before trump was even considered a serious candidate for president , its always been clear that hes worshipped authoritarians and sought to emulate them for one thing, those are the World Leaders he gets along with best for example, hes repeatedly heaped praise on chinese president xi jinping including during the coronavirus outbreak. Trump tweeted, china has been through much and has developed a strong understanding of the virus. And china has been working very hard to contain the coronavirus. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency. Trump wants us to forget all that now, because he thinks our brains are like his. But theyre not. Most of us can form and retain memories, while trump has the memory of a goldfish who smokes weed hey man, has that has that Treasure Chest always been there . And by the way, i know its hard to remember back further than a day since every day is a year and every year is a month and every month is februarmarchaugustember. But trump has claimed many times that article two of the constitution, which outlines the powers of the presidency, allows him to do literally whatever he wants, even though it obviously does not then i have an article two, where i have the right to do whatever i want as president but i dont even talk about that seth i have an article two, is how a cabby from queens would say it while fighting with a traffic cop. Cmon, you cant give me a ticket for parking here. I got an article two that tells me i can do whatever i want some people were holding out hope that when [ bleep ] got serious, trump will get serious, when in reality it was clear he would just be [ bleep ]. And sure enough, as recently as monday, he was insisting once again that as president he had absolute power and could unilaterally order every state in the country to lift their stayathome orders and reopen their economies as early as may 1st. There is a debate over what authority you have to order the country reopened. What authority you do have well, i have the ultimate authority. I have the absolute right to do if i want to when somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total and thats way its got to be. The president of the United States has the authority to do what the president has the authority to do, which is very powerful seth talk about a meaningless statement, the president of the United States has the authority to do what the president has the authority to do. Its kind of the perfect zero information sentence its like saying, hey, i got to be me. Yeah, okay, but who are you, though the you wannabe dictator whos best friends with kim jongun . Or the cherubic mascot for love handles golf resort and spa . Seriously, if the Continental Congress had actually written that down on parchment, ben franklin would have charged in the room, been like, guys, guys, cmon, what the hell is this were you drunk last night . And George Washington would have been like, sorry, boss, we drank too much apple jack. But john adams would have been like, i was busy defending the soldiers in the boston massacre. See . You guys, i did watch the miniseries. By the way, heres my impression of Paul Giamatti in john adams. Mm, abigail. For real, such a good miniseries. Giamatti was so good so good linmanuel left john adams out of hamilton, is my theory. Can we just agree now that there should never, ever be a donald trump miniseries or at least wait as long as hbo did after his term ended to make john adams. Just dont make an actor of Paul Giamattis caliber ever say the line, the president of the United States has the authority to do what the president has the authority to do. Because thats an actual sentence that came out of trumps mouth. I mean, can you imagine if president obama had said Something Like that . First of all, you cant, because obama was a smart person who knew more than five words. I mean, you never tuned into a press conference and saw a chyron that said, obama china strong, but u. S. A. More strong. Second, fox news would have gone into meltdown mode sean hannity would have screamed so loud the glass of your tv would have cracked sorry your grandfathers tv in fact, on his show this week, hannity insisted states could actually reopen sooner than the end of the month i think most states can reopen even sooner than later we dont have to wait till may 1st. Seth okay, sean, you go first. Take your show outside and host it in times square with buzz lightyear and elmo. Ask people to cough on you you can call it coughy talk. And then after significant pushback, president werewolf seemingly changed course and claimed that he would be consulting with governors on when to open their economies and would authorize them to implement their own plans to do that i will then be authorizing each individual governor of each individual state to implement a reopening and a very powerful reopening plan of their state at a time and in a manner as most appropriate seth you cant authorize people to do something they already have the authority to do hes like a boss who thinks he is being generous by telling employees, hey, when your shift ends tonight, feel free to, you know, go home to your families, or whatever. I give you the permission to do that. Governors across the country and the political spectrum from california governor gavin newsom, a democrat, to Ohio Governor mike dewine, a republican, have been skeptical that the country can just magically reopen by the end of the month without mass testing and Contact Tracing to track the spread and isolate cases and yet in his daily Rose Garden Campaign rally on wednesday night, trump insisted the governors are actually excited to just open back up as soon as possible well also be speaking to americas governors tomorrow and then well be announcing exactly whats happening you already know, well be opening up states, some states much sooner than others. And we think some of the states can actually open up before the deadline of may 1st. And i think that that will be a very exciting time indeed. Governors are looking forward theyre chomping at the bit to get going. Seth nobodys chomping at the bit just yet im still wiping down every piece of mail like the return address says chernobyl what do you even mean by opening up anyway . You cant make people go out are you going to have federal agents knock on peoples doors and force them to go to the olive garden thats right, pass the bread sticks around. Everybody touch the basket everybody touch the basket. You just cant make people go to restaurants or stores because you want them to in fact, a new poll published by politico this week found that more than eight and ten voters, 81 say americans should continue the social distance for as long as is needed to curb if spread of coronavirus, even if it means continued damage to the economy. Only 10 say americans should stop social distancing to stimulate the economy, even if it means increasing the spread of coronavirus when it comes to reopening the economy, voters want the government to move slowly, not more quickly and that should be good, because moving slowly is the one thing trump is good at, both metaphorically and literally he lumbers around the white house lawn like a retiree spraying crab grass. Do we are have any weed killer . Just give me some trump vodka. Its the same thing. In fact, that was the ad Campaign Trump vodka. Its also a pesticide. Public Health Experts are warning us that prematurely reopening things could have deadly consequence, just like waiting to act until it was too late had deadly consequences and yet trump is incapable of absorbing that reality just take this truly chilling anecdote from the washington post. why dont we let this wash over the country . trump asked, a question other Administration Officials say hes raised repeatedly in the oval office. Dr. Anthony fauci initially seemed confused by the term wash over. but became alarmed once he understood what trump was asking mr. President , many people would die, fauci said. Hmm, okay and looking at your faces, im guessing thats bad. Thats a bad thing . I mean, think about that fauci actually had to explain that to the president. No wonder he covers his face during press briefings soon he is going to start dressing to blend into the background completely. Fauci i know youre here, fauci. I can hear you sighing im not going to hurt you, fauci. I just want to talk to you. Trump seems intent on repeating all the same mistakes he made at the start of this crisis for example, trump has repeatedly bragged about his china travel ban even though the New York Times reported that 430,000 people have traveled from china to the u. S. Since coronavirus surfaced. And that according to a genetic study, most new york coronavirus cases came from europe new Research Indicates that the coronavirus began to circulate in the new york area by midfebruary, weeks before the first confirmed case, and that travelers brought in the virus mainly from europe, not asia and that would probably come as a shock to trump who tweeted in 2014 about the ebola outbreak. If this doctor who so recklessly flew into new york from west africa has ebola, then obama should apologize to the American People and resign. You know how people always say, if you travel back in time, where would you go . And some say, ancient rome or the wild west . Id go back six years and introduce 2014 donald trump to current donald trump just so he could see how much of a hypocrite he is. Of course, i understand. It would immediately backfire. Before you send that tweet, i think you should know that in six years from now you will be doing something very similar as president. Holy [ bleep ], im going to be president . Yes, but thats not the point i was trying to make. President of the United States. What happened . Look, no, i have brought you here to prove you are a hypocrite. Well, i think you mean president hypocrite. So now, trump and his allies are trying to shift blame for their inaction to china and the World Health Organization. Now, of course, the World Health Organization has its flaws but trump is the one who repeatedly praised china for the handling of coronavirus. And a Global Pandemic is the worst time to suddenly pull funding from the worlds leading Public Health group. And when you hear the trump teams reasons, you realize they are just incredibly stupid but with the World Health Organization, whats happened there is a disgrace. Theres something going on theres something going on thats very bad. Its been going on for a long period of time and we dont want to be the suckers anymore. This is covid19 not covid1, folks. And so you would think the people charged with the World Health Organization facts and figures would be on top of that. Right seth oh my god, you absurd lady beavis. Covid19 is named after the year it was discovered, 2019. There werent 18 covids before this one youre confusing it with the fast and furious movies. Does she think theres a spinoff called hobs and sars . Although, it would explain why when it comes to putting people in charge of the government, trumps motto is i dont have friends. Ive got family. Seth okay. I take it back you can do a trump miniseries now, only if vin diesel plays him. The president of the United States has the authority to do what the president has the authority to do. And all of this just reveals the rot of bad faith at the core of the modern gop conservatives never really meant any of that stuff about limited government as were seeing now, in fact, trump himself conveniently changes his mind whenever it suits him. And the whole gop turns in unison with him like school of herring. When he wanted to claim absolute power, he insisted that the president calls the shots. But when he was just asked about the failures at the federal level to ramp up testing, or when governors were begging him for life saving equipment like ventilators and protective gear, he said he didnt take responsibility and he actually bragged that he wouldnt call the gov