The virus. Man, he will stop at nothing to blame this pandemic on other people were one press conference away from him calling it the obama virus. The obama virus, or as its also known the Obama Hussein virus. Infectious diseases expert and Coronavirus Task force member dr. Anthony fauci has reportedly been assigned a security detail after receiving threats. Threats like stop contradicting me or else the governor of georgia said yesterday that he just learned in the last 24 hours that asymptomatic people can transmit the coronavirus. So hes probably three weeks out from learning what asymptomatic means. Massachusetts received 1 million face masks today for Health Care Workers that were delivered from china on the new England Patriots private plane. Meanwhile, the jets private plane was intercepted and returned for a touchdown thats matt goldich, if youre an angry jets fan watching this. Congresswoman alexandria ocasiocortez on tuesday criticized new york governor Andrew Cuomos decision to suspend mortgage payments but not rent during the coronavirus and accused him of giving preferential treatment to the wealthy. Ironically, she lives rentfree in a lot of wealthy peoples heads. After suspending the basketball season due to the coronavirus, the nba is reportedly planning to launch a playersonly nba 2k videogame tournament and will broadcast the games on espn. Wait, thats on espn jesus, whats on espn 2 . Antiques road show Florida Governor ron desantis issued a stayathome order yesterday to stop the coronavirus. Now . Youre just doing that now what are you going to do next, put life preservers on the titanic . Make a new years resolution seriously, what took you so long your beaches are wheres waldo incidentally, we found him hes at the hospital according to new reports, sales of more comfortable wireless bras are up 40 since the start of the coronavirus, while some people are opting to go completely braless damn, dude what is that all about at least throw on a sweatshirt when the pizza guy shows up. Seriously, my man, whats going on under your shirt . Friends episodes have less prominent nipples. The craft store chain hobby lobby is reportedly fighting to be classified as an essential store so it can be open in states with stayathome orders. Oh, come on. You literally have the word hobby in your name hobbies are the definition of nonessential. Unless your hobby is doing 1,000 piece puzzles or baking bread. Thats pretty much all instagram has left at this point if those go away its over a Seafood Restaurant on long island has named a dish after Infectious Disease expert and Coronavirus Task force member dr. Anthony fauci, which features linguine in a white clam sauce they also have a dish named after trump where you order 30,000 fried shrimp and then a month later they bring you three fish sticks. Meanwhile, Staten Island is honoring dr. Fauci by naming all their sons anthony for the last 200 years. Today was International Childrens book day, though some of them had to be updated because of the pandemic. And finally, thanks to a new changes in liquor laws, new york cities are now allowed to deliver cocktails to peoples homes as long as theyre sold with food. Said new yorkers, yeah, ill take 20 margaritas and a french fry. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Seven years ago we started our program. There was only one person wed have as a first guest. That was amy poehler shes back tonight and shell be joining us right after a closer look. Hello and welcome back to our makeshift studio in an attic crawlspace so far weve migrated from the hallway to the garage to the living room to the attic and you may be wondering whats that little door behind me is it where we keep our camping gear or is it a door to another dimension . And how about that tiny chair . Is it for my kids or is that where the attic hobbit smokes his pipe and reminisces about the battle of the five armies . Im sorry to say, ill never tell now, were all bracing for a very difficult few weeks or months. But there are things the federal government could be doing right now to help us get through this. Instead the president has essentially abdicated his responsibility and left the states up to themselves. For more on this its time for a closer look. Seth a pandemic like this requires a centralized federal response you know how republicans always complain about Big Government . Well, how sweet would a Big Government be right now . Because i dont know about you, but this tiny government stuff sucks. Its like being on the top floor of a burning building but instead of a catch net, the firemen show up with a little workout trampoline feels like right now weve largely been left to fend for ourselves. For example, for weeks we were told that masks dont work and that we shouldnt wear them. Now all of a sudden the cdc is considering recommending mask you might want answers about what you should be doing to protect yourself and others and why the government is changing its position instead the best advice the president could offer on tuesday was this you know, you can use a scarf. A scarf is everybody a lot of people have scarves and you can use a scarf. A scarf would be very good i would say do it. But use a scarf if you want. I mean, most people have scarves and scarves are very good. Seth oh, great so now the president is Martha Stewart using a blanket, a bike helmet and some saran wrap you can make your own hazmat suit homemade pretty great. But its true. Most people do have scarves and no one has more scarves than lenny kravitz. So breathe easy, everyone. Lenny kravitz is in the clear. I mean, obviously the man has been preparing for this moment his entire life. I mean, look at that not only can he use that scarf, he can share it with two other people while maintaining a sixfoot difference. Now, its true, there is evidence that wearing a mask or some other kind of face covering, even something rudimentary, can prevent asymptomatic spread of the disease. You can wear a bandanna, you can wear a cloth just dont be a guy who wears a jason mask i mean, one, its freaky and two, it literally has holes. Jason, come on, man, that mask is not approved by the cdc havent you killed enough people, jason . Now, the president could have gone into detail about that or any other number of other important issues during his briefing on wednesday. But instead he chose to brag about this did you know i was number one on facebook . I mean, i just found out im number one on facebook i thought that was very nice seth what the [ bleep ] are you talking about, man youre in the middle of a deadly pandemic and youre bragging about how popular you are on Facebook First of all, of course youre popular on facebook. Its the preferred method of communication of drunk aunts and people who still own flip phones being number one on facebook is like, i dont know, having the number one album in belgium. I mean, good for you, i guess. But your album probably sucks. And by the way, thats not even true you only have 28 million followers on facebook. Barack obama has 53 million. I wish someone would point that out to trump because it would annoy the hell out of him. Hed force the cdc to update its coronavirus guidelines one, stay home, two, wash your hands. Three follow donald trump on facebook but stay six feet away from barack obama. Weve heard hes facebook friends with tom hanks so his page definitely, definitely has it now. The thing were currently enduring and the months of hardship ahead, were not inevitable hundreds of thousands of people dying, a National Lockdown that has disrupted daily life, none of that had to happen. I mean, just look at countries that managed to successfully contain the crisis countries much closer to china, the source of the outbreak like taiwan. Taiwan is just off the coast of mainland china. Millions travel between taiwan and the chinese mainland Johns Hopkins university had predicted that taiwan would have the second most covid19 cases in the world but today there are 80 countries and territories with more than taiwans 329 cases taiwan has succeeded at containing covid19 starting at arrival. The first step taiwan took was identifying possible cases lee told authorities shed had a cough in the last two weeks. So security escorted her to secondary screening. She had her temperature taken like this woman, and she got a covid19 test at the airport taiwan uploads these results into its National Health care database after her bags were disinfected, her ride home was in a government provided taxi by herself. One phone app allows taiwan residents to find stores with masks in stock another app provides information on all of those who are covid19 positive, where theyve been and their case histories seth holy [ bleep ]. Give you a ride home, an app that tells you where t masks and you get six months of showtime free of charge. Quarantine yourself and dont come out until youve watched every episode of shameless. Thats certainly better than what our government is doing compare that to when you arrive at an airport in the u. S the closest anyone comes to taking your temperature is when a tsa agent gives you a full cavity search because accidentally packed a bottle of shampoo that was larger than 3. 4 ounces or if you dont want to look at taiwan, take iceland, another country thats using advanced strategies to track and isolate cases of coronavirus including detective work for the past few weeks detective guesster polmanson has been chasing down leads and pursuing suspects. Hes on the hunt for covid19, where he and dozens of other detectives are tracking every single case of coronavirus in the country. As quickly as we can we have to reach everyone that might have been in contact with someone whos positive and try to stop them before they get in contact with more people seth they literally have detectives tracking down cases not only is than effective method for containing the disease, its also a great premise for a netflix crime drama starring Kenneth Branagh as detective guesster polmanson. Hey, kenneth, so excited to be working with you have you worked on an icelandic accent . I think id just use my british accent. Yeah no, but it takes place in iceland, so everyone will have an icelandic accent. No, i think everyone else should be british too. Yeah, but kenneth, wont that be weird . Sorry, friend those are the Kenny Branagh rules. And that was an extended bit for people who have seen bbcs production of the Swedish Crime drama wallander. Hey, the attic shows are going to have some deep cuts, everybody. Thems the rules. One of the biggest takeaways of icelands approach is that by aggressively testing everyone theyve been able to avoid having to lock down their entire country the way weve had to its very important to test very aggressively. We put those who test positive in isolation and we do Contact Tracing very aggressively also. We put all contacts in quarantine and its interesting that more than half of those who we are diagnosing now are actually in quarantine when theyre diagnosed, which means our policy of quarantine is probably very effective in minimizing the epidemic this has allowed authorities here to delay the closure of bars and restauran some Stores Remain open. People still walk the streets and explore the Great Outdoors seth they still get to go outside. And their outside is awesome they have lagoons and volcanoes. The closest thing we have to a lagoon here in the u. S. Is disneys typhoon lagoon, and that thing is germ city. They should call it typhoid lagoon so in iceland they get to go outside. Meanwhile, in new york to go outside you have to wrap your head in scarves and swerve into the street to keep a distance of six feet from people on the sidewalk at this point, youre better off just hitching a ride on the back of a garbage truck new yorkers arent used to avoiding people. Theyre used to bumping into people thats why the line to midnight cowboy was hey im walking here, not, hey, im trying to maintain a distance of at least six feet here. And then theres south korea, which had its first case on the exact same day that we had our first case they deployed massive nationwide testing to track and contain the spread of the disease. As fox news found out on wednesday when they invited a doctor on who was much more critical of the Trump Administration than they were probably expecting now, what we hear every night is that the tests, that there are millions of tests available. And yet we dont have that pinprick blood test you can get, you know, at your local doctor and know in 15 minutes but theyre working on it. Yeah, theyre working on it they should have been working on it for months. So the fact is we knew about this from the w. H. O. When . December 31st, 2019. So last year we knew about this. We needed this months ago. You look at korea, korea south korea and the u. S. Had their First Official confirmed case on the same date. January 19th let me say this. January 19th you look at what south korea did and what we did. Their population is 1 6th of ours look at the cases they have. Look at the mortality they have. Its a trifle compared to what were dealing with right now because weve had a very weak response and they had a really strong response. Seth oh, man fox news viewers never hear that kind of real talk. You asked the wrong doctor thats like asking your weird uncle if santas real. Not only is he not real, hes just a construct of consumerist designed to melt your brains before you learn to think for yourself anyway ho, ho, ho i got you some scratchers. Also, i love how long he shakes his head while shes repeating trumps talking points they should put that guy on a box on the screen during all of trumps press briefings. This is like a flu. This is like a flu seth so south koreas contained the outbreak with aggressive testing meanwhile, here in the u. S. , our president said in a Conference Call with governors, he hadnt even heard about problems with testing. Do you have any system in place that you feel can adequately identify cases and isolate them and Contact Trace them are there capabilities and resources there thats not something you can do given with what you have . Ting to do conta from the cdc, that we wouldnt be able to do testing in montana. We dont have enough supplies to do the testing. Tony, you can answer if you want, but i havent heard about testing in weeks i havent heard about testing being a problem. Seth if you havent heard about testing being a problem, then you need to get tested to see if you have a problem. Like a hearing test or a vision test i mean, maybe trump just cant read his briefings look at him. Whenever he reads off a teleprompter he looks like he just finished 15 rounds with apollo creed and now that weve failed at testing, we have to massively ramp up hospital capacity, something the Trump Administration is also failing at for example, hospitals desperately need lifesaving ventilators. And yet the president doesnt even know what theyre called. We sent thousands of generators to new york the people in new york never distributed the generators seth ventilators theyre called ventilators having this guy in charge is like sending your grandpa to gamestop to pick up video games. I need the new line of duty for the x station playbox. Also nows not the time to send your grandpa to gamestop, you coward just go, grandpa. Youll be safe. Trump doesnt even know what ventilators are called here are the emergency ventriloquists you guys asked for. Actually, we said ventilators. I told you he said ventilators, you dummy. Im not the dummy youre the dummy. Why, i oughta now, trump should have used his powers under the defense production act to Order Companies to make ventilators weeks ago but hes only done it once during this pandemic even though his administration apparently used it repeatedly before this. The New York Times reported that the defense production act has been invoked hundreds of thousands of times in the trump years. But with the pandemic, the president sees it as a break the glass last resort. Hey, man its time to break the glass it was time to break the glass weeks ago. Of course, knowing trump, if he does have one of the break the glass in case of emergency boxes in the white house its probably not a fire alarm but a you know, like an emergency chicken wing and they probably have hundreds of them on the wall because he breaks one every five minutes. Sir, if you want a chicken wing you can order it from the chef. I didnt have time. It was an emergency. So now we have a situation where states are begging for lifesaving ventilators and the trump team is in disarray. The pentagon says it still hasnt sent ventilators but they havent been told where to send them and the New York Times reported that thousands of ventilators in the stockpile dont work because the government let the contract to maintain the stockpile lapse last summer. So now governors are literally outbidding each other on the open market and dealing with shady middlemen and price gouging to buy ventilators wherever they can get them every state does its own purchasing so new york is purchasing. Californias purchasing. Illinois is purchasing were all trying to buy the same commodity. Literally the same exact item. So you have 50 states competing to buy the same item we all wind up bidding up each other and competing against each other where you now literally will have a company call you up and say, well, california just outbid you its like being on ebay with 50 other states bidding on a ventilator its the wild west. And these are crazy markets and you get a lot of bad actors. Its more like surge pricing on uber, only at the last minute the car drives away because somebody has outbid you. Seth thats right. Governors are comparing buying lifesaving ventilators for a pandemic to surge pricing. This is capitalism at its while trump waits for the market to decide, people are literally going to die and states a