Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20240713

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Cause theyre gone i am announcing i am suspending my campaign for president. When your polls were high we will win or asking whos this guy im tom steyer. [ laughter ] no one know they come and go goodbye super tuesday the race goes on but without you maybe youll be picked for v til then we will miss you dont ask yourself why no one vote for me i know we can do it, because ive done it could have told you thats the way it would be in the polls, mayor de blasio is hovering around zero. [ laughter ] your ideas were whack im going to harness love [ laughter ] you tried lots of snack its how it goes you didnt get a rose [ laughter ] goodbye super tuesday the race goes on without you maybe youll be picked for v til then we will miss you jimmy we have a great show give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Thank you, roots thank you, everybody hey, i want to send a shout out to everyone down in nashville recovering from last nights tornadoes. Its an amazing city with amazing people if youd like to help, you can go to redcross. Org to donate we love you, nashville [ cheers and applause we have a fun show tonight kevin bacon is here [ cheers and applause oh steve come on. Jimmy from queer eye, and the new netflix show next in fashion, tan france is here [ cheers and applause and we got great standup from Taylor Tomlinson [ cheers and applause as weve mentioned before, its election season. And President Trump is actually out there campaigning as well. In fact, he gave a speech at a a rally last night and i dont know if you noticed this, but sometimes he has a little trouble pronouncing words. Steve really [ light laughter ] jimmy here he is trying to say the word administration. Check this out we have cut more jobkilling regulations than any admis you know this one. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah than any of [ laughter ] than any admin [ laughter ] you know this word you know this word any admins [ laughter ] steve [ indiscernible jimmy well, we noticed that trump has trouble pronouncing things all the time. So with that in mind, its time to play talk like trump. Here we go talk like trump talk like trum yeah [ cheers and applause jimmy so heres how this works. I am going to see if anyone can guess how the president is going to mispronounce a simple word if you get it right, youll get a prize and if you get it wrong, you still get a prize [ light laughter ] raise your hand if you want to play talk like trump. There you go yeah, right here, sure why not . I dont have to walk thats perfect hello, what is your name i am ainsley. Jimmy ainsley, where are you from i am from boston. Jimmy ah, we love boston very nice. [ cheers and applause very bostonhappy crowd. We love boston okay, in our first clip, President Trump is going to try and say magnificently. How do you think hell mispronounce it . Magnificently. Like, mnamnana. [ laughter ] jimmy mna mna. Do do do do d mna mn do do do do mna mna do do do do do do do do do do do do do do all right. Lets see if thats what happened we are magnifently. We are really you take a look [ buzzer ] jimmy very close magnifently. Magnifently. There you go you lost but theres your tshirt. [ cheers and applause thank you for playing. Who is next . Lets go, bud. [ cheers and applause come here. How are you doing, bud im jose. Jimmy what is your name . Jose. Jimmy oh, jose yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy jose, where are you from, jose i am from spain jimmy youre from spain . Yeah. Jimmy oh, i love it. Thank you so much for coming to the show thank you jimmy we air in spain . No, i think, so, but i watch you online [ laughter ] jimmy okay [ foghorn we see it online. Jimmy online, okay, good online, that counts. Very good. I was like, are you in the wrong place . [ laughter ] are you Ellen Degeneres . No, its not me. [ laughter ] all right, here we go. Our next clip, trump tries to say fair trade deals. Fair trade deals. [ laughter ] jimmy almost like you said that in reverse. Like, sure, like a record was stopping fair trade like, we were breaking down like a robot all right. So you think hes going to say, fair trade deal. Fair dray dreal jimmy okay, all right. [ laughter ] lets see. Its very possible lets see what happened. Weve been killing terrorists, creating jobs, raising wages, enacting fray tradels. [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] [ fog horn ] jimmy it was very close, by the way. Im going to give that one to you. Here you got that one. Yeah [ dinging [ cheers and applause ill give that line. I think you got that [ indiscernible we gave out fray tradels. Yeah, hey, sure. Come on. Fray tradels. [ light laughter ] hi, whats your name sofia jimmy sofia, where are you from florida jimmy hey, cool. I love it. Thanks for being here. [ cheers and applause all right, our final clip, trump tries to say the word sanctuary. How is he going to mispronounce sanctuary . Situary [ laughter ] jimmy situa. [ light laughter ] oh, i like situa [ light laughter ] lets see what happened right here the state of california passed an outrageous law declaring their whole state to be a stanktuary [ buzzer ] jimmy ah stanktuary [ fog horn ] [ laughter and applause a great guess. But here is your stanktuary tshirt. Wear it with pride thank you for playing so much. That was talk like trump. Thanks to all of our players well be right back with more of the tonight show, everybody. [ cheers and applause i wrote this a long time ago. I dont know how old i was. I hope someday i will be on a real football team. Im katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Im not just here to be the token female, im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dreams coming. Iced chai. Ry. Pad thai. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Are haikus better than fleece . Than. Fleece edition. Uh no way what about freckles . Freckles . grapes . pet rocks . What . are wizards better than fleece . you stole my bit neil. And no, nothings better than fleece. Shop everything on sale for forty percent off thats forty percent only at old navy howling wind howling wind hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. We are tmobile the first to go unlimited. First with no annual service contracts. First with taxes and fees included. Now tmobile has the first and only nationwide 5g network. Reaching over 5,000 cities and towns and over 200 million americans. And tmobile is not charging extra for 5g access. Because this isnt our network. Its yours. [ cheers and applause steve i dont know all right, welcome back to the tonight show, everybody it is time to play password jimmy oh, my goodness [ cheers and applause steve oh my gosh our first team tonight, well, hes a member of queer eyes fab five with a new netflix show called next in fashion, and his teammate is the host of nbcs the tonight show, and saugerties sweetheart its tan france and jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause oh and their opponents. Hes a member of the legendary roots crew and his teammate is the star of the new spotify podcast the last degree of kevin bacon. Its Tariq Trotter and kevin bacon jimmy oh, my goodness [ cheers and applause steve oh my jimmy you are playing it really cool. Steve oh my. Jimmy youre playing it really cool. All right, here we go. Steve all right, the rules of the game are very simple. Jimmy very simple. Steve i will give each of you a password jimmy password steve then, you are to give a one word clue. Thats one word only jimmy how many steve one. Jimmy okay steve to get your password to guess the password. The team with the most points after four words wins. Jimmy okay steve any questions . Jimmy well steve great, lets move on [ laughter ] first clue goes to jimmy and kevin. Jimmy ooh. All right the password is shrimp. Steve all right, jimmy why dont you start us off no cheating. Oh, no. [ light laughter ] yes, dear . [ laughter ] come on, use your words. [ laughter ] jimmy scampi um crustacean [ laughter ] [ fog horn ] steve oh, oh oh, the old overthought. [ laughter ] kevin, kevin, its your turn holy steve i dont know if tariq is gonna get this. Okay, lets see oh my god, now i know the answer [ laughter ] boiled . Tariq shrimp [ bell dinging ] [ cheers and applause steve oh my, oh my fivezero. Jimmy are you [ talking over each other crustacean scampi . A crustacean is a shrimp. Jimmy i know a crustacean steve classic over thinking i thought we were doing smart i thought we were doing smart answers. Tariq i was a little bit worried. Jimmy crustacean scampi . It just sounded too easy. It sounded too steve thats american tv all right, next clue goes to tan and tariq. Jimmy come on, we got this, tan. The password is steve okay, tariq, you are up first tariq hmm. Hmm steve hmm. [ light laughter ] jimmy dont over think it. [ laughter ] tariq virgin steve ooh. [ light laughter ] ooh. Mary . [ gasping tariq no [ audience oohs steve no okay. [ laughter ] vogue. Jimmy madonna. [ cheers and applause [ bell dinging ] steve wow jimmy whoa steve well the score of course the gays got well the gay got that. [ laughter ] steve the score is sammy hagar. 55 jimmy and kevin, the next clue is for you the password is steve got it jimmy mmhmm steve kevin, why dont you start us off oh, i go first, okay. Um formal [ light laughter ] tariq tuxedo jimmy no [ bell dinging ] [ cheers and applause steve wow, wow wow. Jimmy hes such a good actor, hed be like steve wow. Tariq tan would have said attire. [ laughter ] i was literally thinking attire. When have you ever seen a casual tuxedo . Jimmy thats true. Steve all right, final clue goes to tan and tariq. The password is robot steve okay, tan, why dont you start us off jimmy we got this, bud um, oh, i dont know if this is the name of an amercian show or an english show steve i would say its jimmy thats all right i watch a lot of things. Okay. Wars [ laughter ] if we were in england right now, he would know its not my fault youre not british. Jimmy okay, wars oh, gosh uh oh, gosh wars steve no [ laughter ] i said it in an american accent for you wars jimmy i know, but there is no wars, right . Theres no show wars no. Jimmy theres wars [ english accent ] its not star wars cause its a show so im gonna say, uh, uh is it like closet wars steve ooh, no. I dont even know what that is no tariq negative okay, okay. I got a show tariq okay r2d2 [ audience ohs ] star . Steve oh oh jimmy ohh steve hold on. Hold on jimmy dont say anything, i think i know it. Steve all right. Cool it, cool it jimmy thats all right, we got this machine jimmy robots [ cheers and applause [ bell dinging ] steve oh, my goodness. Jimmy my thanks to Tariq Trotter, kevin bacon tan france and i, the champions [ cheers and applause Steve Higgins more tonight show after the break. Stick around, everybody [ cheers and applause professor sound power is defined as thought a surface the product of sound pressure and a component of the partial velocity at a point. [sounds] kazoo sound and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby hersheys. The original cookies n creme. We do it every night. Every night. I live alone, but i still do it every night. Right after dinner. Definitely after meatloaf. Like clockwork. Do it run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. A load with as few as 8 dishes, is all it takes to save water. An Energy Star Certified dishwasher uses less than four gallons per cycle. While handwashing uses that, every two minutes. So, do it. Run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. The surprising way to save water. Just a blur when they jumped the median. The corner of my eye. There was nothing i could do. daughter daddy dad vo shes safe because of our first outback. And our new ones even safer. avo welcome to the allnew subaru outback. An iihs top safety pick plus. The highest level of safety you can earn. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is a a golden globewinning actor starring in the Television Series city on a hill. He also has a very funny brand new podcast called the last degree of kevin bacon, with new episodes launching every monday exclusively on spotify. Please welcome kevin bacon [ cheers and applause jimmy we love it come on, kevin bacon, welcome back yeah, you might know me from password. [ laughter ] jimmy from the famous sketch, password. Thank you for playing. You are always down to play. We love having you on the show oh, yeah. Jimmy so thank you so much i love being here jimmy i want to talk about the podcast, its super funny. I know youre involved with funny or die, and those guys but i want to get to that. But i want to talk about the city on a hill. Yeah. Jimmy picked up for season two. Congrats on that thank you very much jimmy youre great in that thank you [ cheers and applause jimmy but the first episode, you directed . Yes, i just finished editing the first episode, which i directed, which was a lot of fun, but also, very challenging. Jimmy is it odd directing yourself well, yeah, it is kind of weird. Jimmy are you difficult to work with . I am a nightmare. [ laughter ] i wont come out of my trailer for hours, you know. [ laughter ] jimmy you dont talk to yourself thats not the kind of mustard i asked for. [ laughter ] absolute nightmare no, i i like to im pretty good at knowing when i got it right, you know what i mean so like sometimes, i watch the dailies and it is really weird, because im like, im in this character, this very kind of extreme character of this guy, you know, in his boston accent and all. And like, okay, we got to go again. That wasnt good. So im like basically looking at myself and saying, you are not doing well, and then, when we get it, im like, okay, great. Excellent. Kev, awesome job. [ laughter ] kb you killed you know i literally find myself like but speaking to myself jimmy its odd, yeah a lot of people dont i dont know, maybe they do know, but how funny you are. Because every time you come on our show and we do a funny bit or something insane, and everything online is like, kevin bacons awesome hes hilarious, he can sing. But you dont do that much comedy i dont do that much comedy, and i really like it and so, i feel like a lot of the stuff that i am associated with is really kind of darker material and dark characters jimmy well, youre good at that im not afraid of it and jimmy yeah, exactly. And i can, you know, go dark places but i take my work very seriously, but i dont take myself very seriously. So when the spotify podcast, last degree of kevin bacon came around, there was an opportunity to really poke fun at myself and to play a very heightened version of me jimmy yeah its not you at all, really. Well, i am a giant ass[ bleep ] [ laughter ] im really like super, super selfinvolved. And the thing about this podcast is that people kind of assume, because everybodys got a podcast now, that its me either doing interviews or which i could never do i could never do what you do, because i am way too selfinvolved to actually sit there and pretend that i am interested in anything that anybody else is saying [ laughter ] but i really do. When i see you speaking to me right now, i really do admire you for being jimmy aw, come on. Making it look like you actually care. Jimmy i do [ laughter ] thank you. No, no, but hes good, right . [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, i appreciate it, no. [ cheers and applause i know, its a certain skill that i definitely dont have and that or they think that im giving some kind of, like, you know, life lessons jimmy t. E. D. Talk or something. Neither of which is true. This is like a scripted comedy jimmy its very funny. Its like doing a radio play and weve got this fantastic actress playing my wife, kyra sedgwick. Jimmy yeah, i heard of her, shes fantastic. She was available, luckily. [ laughter ] because it would be really weird if we had to get somebody else to play her jimmy to play your wife, yeah, exactly. But explain the premise, because its silly well, theres a guy thats played by matt walsh whose name is randy beslow. And randy is the jimmy randy beslow yeah, randy is a guy that hes the king of reading the side effects of drugs. Hes the guy that you hear in all those drug commercials [ laughter ] thats his only gig. And but he really wanted to be an actor up until the moment when he auditioned for footloose and i got the part and that ruined his life [ light laughter ] and not only did i get the part but i ran into him coming out of the audition and i admired his white tank top, and when i did the movie, i wore the white tank top in the film [ laughter ] and so he feels like his life is been completely turned upside down by me, and all the things that he regrets and his failed marriage and everything, he blames on me. So he comes to los angeles basically to destroy me and to kill me. And he thinks if he can kill me, then his life will take off. Jimmy yeah, and then you end up hiring him . I end up hiring him as my assistant. And then, in this show, im someone that even though i am connected to everybody, i dont what i really need is a friend i have no friends. And kyras constantly trying to get me to make friends, and im not very good at that. And so, i hire him my assistant and he also starts giving me friendship lessons jimmy its really good the last degree of kevin bacon. Its on spotify. Check it out i follow you on instagram. All the socials. But on instagram i like to see what youre up to its fun and you did this thing once that i saw recently, where you went ax throwing yeah, i was out yeah, i was out with the band. We were playing in the south someplace, and we had a day off. And i saw this place where you can throw axes and drink beer. [ laughter ] so that seemed like a pretty winning combination. Jimmy no, no, thats a a terrible idea. Do you do that often no, ive never done it before and i so i texted everybody in the band, everybody in the crew, there was like maybe, i dont know, 10 guys. Nobody wanted to do it with me so i went by myself and threw axes and jimmy drank beer drank beer, yeah. Jimmy and it was fun it was fun, yeah. I liked it there is something very satisfying about it. Jimmy you actually posted a video. Here is kevin bacon ax throwing take a look at this. Come on [ laughter ] jimmy i mean, that was good [ applause ] i mean, i dont know i was saying to you backstage, i know it looks cool and everything because youre like, come on. But i didnt see you throw an ax no, you dont actually see jimmy i see an ax land and you enter from a different angle. [ laughter ] theres conspiracies you like pop up from under the ax yeah, i know. I know jimmy come on. Look at what i threw [ laughter ] it came from over there. I know, i know. Jimmy how do we know its you throwing it . Well, first off, there was nobody there to shoot the video for me, so i had to take the phone and set it up on the edge of the ax throwing booth or whatever, because i was alone, as i already established jimmy how sad. And so, i realized after i posted it that there is absolutely no evidence that i actually can throw an ax and im not sure if i can, i dont know jimmy well, theres one way to find out. [ cheers and applause do you want to see if you can hit a bullseye right now you want to do it . We got it set up [ applause ] come on. Come on, you got to try it ill give you three shots. Ill give you three chances. All right, lets do this here we go, come on. What are these axes [ applause ] wait a second, these have rubber tips on them. Can i take off the rubber . Jimmy no, you have to leave the rubber tips on because thats true. Is that comedy . Jimmy no exactly, right no [ talking over each other a little joke at my expense jimmy kevin bacon throwing an ax. [ cheers ] oh, theres one jimmy thats one can i keep the rubber tip jimmy all right, thats number one here we go kevin bacon throwing an ax [ cheers and applause oh hes a dangerous man hes a dangerous man thats how you do it [ cheers and applause kevin bacon, everybody check out his new podcast the last degree of kevin bacon on spotify. Well be right back with tan france stick around [ cheers and applause so im gonna hold on promoting you this quarter. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise, why should you . Youre right atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. Im part of a community of problem solvers. We make ideas grow. From an everyday solution. To one that can take on a bigger challenge. 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Jimmy backstage because i was doing i was doing fist bump i love a fist bump. Jimmy i dont. People are shocked, but with a fist bump with me, because i dont seem like obviously i dont seem like the fist bump kind of guy. [ light laughter ] keeps me keeps me well. Jimmy im so happy you are here again thanks. Jimmy i want to i was talking to you backstage, because i said you have such an iconic look. And you said that youd been getting mistaken for a a different celebrity. See, i would like to believe i have an iconic look. Jimmy you do but apparently somebody else has that iconic look Taika Waititi. And so [ laughter ] jimmy Taika Waititi from jojo rabbit. Yeah jimmy who just won the oscar . Yes so a very, very famous taika and so ill be so heres the thing. [ light laughter ] heres the thing this is like tan france tv hair when i dont have this hair, its like really curly like taikas. And so when im out in public, people will they started doing this about a year ago where theyre like, is it you . Im like, yeah. [ light laughter ] and then theyll start taking the picture and its very clear they think im taika and so im like, well, ill just lean in. And so i continue on [ laughter ] what is hilarous though is that i dont change my accent, but, america, i love you very much but you clearly dont know how to distinguish accents [ light laughter ] because hes from new zealand. Im from england and i saw taika at a party a a few months ago and i was like, oh, my gosh, taika, people keep mistaking me for you. And he was like, they do it to me, too. I was like, do you change your accent . He was like, nah, its america. They dont know the difference. [ laughter and applause jimmy we dont care, we love everybody they dont know jimmy we love everybody. They dont know jimmy but i mean, ive been out with you guys in the public and people freak out around you. Oh. Jimmy they love you. You are beloved in america as well and is there one question that people always stop and ask you is there one well, theres a couple of things they start with a move which is they lift me which is so bizarre. Can i do a quick p. S. A. . Jimmy yeah can i take this time . Stop lifting me whoever stop lifting me im a grown man. They see me with my queer eye boys [ laughter ] jimmy wait, what so, im with my queer eye boys and theyre all much taller and so everybody thinks when they see me that i must be tiny and so they get really excited and they lift me up. Jimmy wait, they grab you and they lift you off the ground like strangers. [ laughter ] strangers. Jimmy what and so, once and they jump and so the first thing i say when somebody runs up to me, im like, please dont lift me. [ laughter ] jimmy did i lift you when you came out yes, you did. [ laughter ] and it was very awkward. Jimmy i hugged you no, you were like, hey, tan. I dont shake hands but let me lift you and bounce you. Jimmy no, i did not lift you and bounce you [ laughter ] what fashion advice do they ask you for . Like, hey, can you design my wardrobe . What do you they ask me a lot its usually something called a french tuck. [ cheers ] and so people will ask me to french tuck them thanks so much for those woos [ light laughter ] but what i find very strange is so its called a french tuck because you just tuck in the front of your shirt. However, when you just say it to a stranger yeah. Jimmy and i am a stranger to them. They dont really know me. Theyll come over and they say, will you french tuck me . It sounds really vulgar. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] especially by a urinal. Urinal however you guys pronounce it. Jimmy oh, yeah okay, sorry, yeah. [ laughter ] in a in a public restroom [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] in a public restroom why would you follow me in and then ask me to french tuck you whilst im out jimmy especially in the urinal, too. Yeah, i mean thats a [ laughter ] absolutely why would you do that as well . Yeah i was i know youre great with style thanks. Jimmy but, you know what i didnt know really about you is that you were an actual designer yeah, im actually, im not a stylist, im a designer. I do that on queer eye because i know how to style people i would like to believe. But first and for most, im a designer and so jimmy for years. And i have been, yes, since i was, like, 16 i went to designer school. I was making womens clothing. Thats how i made my money i created businesses that were womens wear jimmy its good to know this yeah. And so and so when you mentioned earlier, i have a new show called next in fashion when they came and asked me if i wanted to do that, i was like, heck, yeah. Like, encourage new designers. Celebrate the craft of design, it was a gods send. Jimmy and now your cohost alexa chung, i love her. I love her so much. Jimmy hi, alexa chung. I love her shes awesome. I love her so much. Shes honestly incredible. I was about to say shes the best host on tv other than Jimmy Fallon Jimmy thank you, i appreciate that. You saved yourself [ cheers and applause you saved yourself shes amazing but you know, shes so smart, so funny jimmy funny, yeah. So ridiculously attractive at 5 00 a. M. , its just sickening. [ laughter ] shes wonderful. Shes such a great talent, yeah jimmy can you explain the show to anyone yes jimmy yeah so its 18 designers from all over the world theyre competing to be the next household name. And so these are with people who worked for major, major design houses. And theyre competing against each other they start in groups and then they compete against each other. And it is a celebration of great design they really are incredible people and it brings the world together to celebrate Different Countries and opportunities and designs. Jimmy i also like it because it shows you how much work goes into this oh, yeah jimmy these clothes. You just go, oh, thats just a jacket and its a tie and its a shirt. Yeah. Jimmy its like its so much work whats into making that thing and thats we did it in a day and a half, which is insane. They do this within a day and a half they make the most incredible clothes. And then the final collection, they do within two days. And it will blow your mind it will blow your mind in my opinion, its some of the most beautiful fashion youll ever see on tv jimmy i want to show everyone a clip. Heres tan france in next in fashion. Take a look. Okay, who of you has dressed an alist celebrity . Nice, oh, my god, youre smashing it. Nasheli. Beyonce what . Yeah. You dont have to dress anyone else if youve already dressed beyonce. Okay. Hi, marco who did you dress . Theres iggy, rita, fergie. I like anyone with one name [ laughter ] okay, ive got one last question who amongst you is a household name maybe not any of you just yet, but thats exactly why were here today jimmy thats right [ cheers and applause make them a household name tan france, everybody [ cheers and applause next in fashion is streaming now on netflix well be right back with standup from Taylor Tomlinson stick around [ cheers and applause this is my body of proof. Proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight psoriatic arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. 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This saturday and sunday, shop everything on sale for forty percent off thats forty percent off only, at old navy fleece. Theres nothing better. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. Only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. Weve done it hah great work old chap. Well be rich and famous. Well ill be rich, youll be famous. At least amongst your digging friends. Heres a thought, ever consider investing . E trade has easy to use tools that help you get started. You like playing with tools dont you . course you do. Dont get mad. Start investing with e trade. I wrote this a long time ago. I dont know how old i was. I hope someday i will be on a real football team. Im katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Im not just here to be the token female, im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dreams coming. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest has their onehour comedy special Taylor Tomlinson quarter life crisis streaming now on netflix. Please welcome the very funny Taylor Tomlinson [ cheers and applause thank you, thank you so much thank you. Oh my gosh, its so exciting to be here. Ive had an amazing year i got engaged. [ cheers and applause oh, thank you. Thank you. It did not work out. Just good to have numbers on the board, you know what i mean its okay, it wasnt that sad. The ring, it felt weird. It kept getting caught on stuff, like, sweaters and my freedom. It was [ laughter ] very cumbersome but, you know, it just wasnt the right fit. It didnt work out with me and my exfiance, which is the most annoying word to say, by the way. It sounds like a spell just like, exfiance. [ laughter ] its terrible. Sound like hermione up here. Its like, its not exfiance, its exfiancah. Like ugh 50 points from gryffindor. You are the worst. I did like being engaged, though i didnt expect to like it that much but something happens. When you slip that ring on your finger, something in your stupid lady lizard brain goes level completed. [ laughter ] and you just kind of float through target, like, oh. Am i better than everybody [ laughter ] whats that . No, i dont need help. Someone loves me. [ laughter ] ill find the towels, right after i cancel therapy [ light laughter ] i am all fixed the nice thing i got to be honest i got a lot of advice from people, and a lot of people told me not to do it so many people were like, i got married at 25. Dont know if id do that again. Im like, arent you guys still together . Theyre like, yeah [ laughter ] yeah, we are. A lot of people told me not to get married in my 20s at all because you change too much in your 20s and thats true, you do. But youre going to change a a lot throughout the rest of your life. Which is why i think no matter what age you get married at, instead of bridesmaids, they should just line up every crappy version of you that they might have to deal with at some point so that they can say i do to everyone. [ laughter ] yeah, its like [ applause ] its like these are my bridesmaids, unemployed taylor, depressed taylor, and heres my maid of honor, vegan taylor. [ laughter ] shes going to be super annoying for like three years. Then youre going to go on a a road trip. Theres going to be nowhere to stop but a burger joint. Shes going to take one bite, and be like, you know what . I do feel better [ laughter ] i was tired. I was tired. I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience she goes, you should really wait until youre 27 to get married because thats when your frontal lobe is finished developing in your brain thats when your brain is done 27. [ light laughter ] yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone whos not 27. Just like, oh, you think youre happy, scarecrow . Why dont you wait till the wizard gets you a brain, ha [ laughter ] ive been drinking since noon, leave me alone. [ laughter ] but i googled it and that fact is real. And that fact is proof that god is a man because who else would finish your boobs years before your brain . Thats garbage [ laughter ] [ applause ] youre telling me no one up in heavens like, hey god, are you going to work on the brain today . Because you keep on putting it off, and it seems kind of important. Hes like, these are important [ laughter ] im going to make one of them bigger for like eight years just cause. [ laughter ] i cant believe they let me do that one either. [ laughter ] the nice thing about calling off a wedding in your 20s is that nobodys that surprised nobody thought that you could do anything right to begin with nobody expects me to do anything correctly im like, what can i bring to the potluck nana . Shes like, napkins, can you handle that . [ laughter ] dry ones this time. [ light laughter ] i wanted to be married, though, because im not good at being in my 20s. Im not fun, i dont party ive never been drunk because im pretty sure im an alcoholic. [ light laughter ] yeah, the only time ive ever wanted to drink is alone in the la quinta inn. [ laughter ] and i am told thats when youre not supposed to do it [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah so i stay away from the stuff. But i have been pulled over for drunk driving, completely sober, which is a great way to find out youre a terrible driver [ laughter ] when cops are stopping you on the freeway, like, are you wasted . And youre like, no, officer, that was my best. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that cop did not believe me, either he just kept hounding me hes like, how much have you had to drink how much have you had . How much have you had . And finally, i was just like, no, officer, you dont understand, okay im not drunk. I never been drunk, i dont even know how. [ light laughter ] im a little sad is there a sad driving test . I think there should be one. Like, instead of a a breathalyzer, they just have you sigh into a harmonica. [ laughter ] and if its on pitch, youre like, out of the car, johnny cash. Cant have you on the road. [ laughter ] you guys are great thank you so much. [ cheers and applause jimmy Taylor Tomlinson fantastic. Quarter life crisis is available now on netflix well be right back everybody well done, taylor. [ cheers and applause we made usaa insurance for members like martin. An air force veteran made of doing whats right, not whats easy. So when a hailstorm hit, usaa reached out before he could even inspect the damage. Thats how you do it right. Usaa insurance is made just the way martins family needs it with hasslefree claims, he got paid before his neighbor even got started. Because doing right by our members, thats whats right. Usaa. What youre made of, were made for. Usaa [ cheers and applause jimmy my thanks to kevin bacon, tan france. [ cheers and applause Taylor Tomlinson [ cheers and applause and the roots over there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york its late night with seth meyers. Tonight nick jonas, tight end from super bowl champion kansas city chiefs, travis kelce from outmatched standup comedian, Finesse Mitchell featuring the 8g band with Michelle Baptiste [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening, im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause thats great to hear in that case, lets get to the news last nights democratic debate aired exclusively on cbs and included all of your cbs favorites including survivor, blue bloods, and of course, young sheldon. [ laughter ] democrats held their latest primary debate last night. And i have to say, it was really jarring to see difference between bloomberg in the debate and bloomberg in every ad break. [ laughter ] it was like when you see the tv version of a cheeseburger from a fast food commercial. And then you go there. And you get one. And it looks like this [ laughter ] thats debate bloomberg right there. And this this is debate bloomberg after Elizabeth Warren got ahold of him. [ laughter ] during last nights [ cheers and applause during last nights debate, every candidate was asked to share their personal motto for example, Amy Klobuchars was politics is about improving peoples lives and Elizabeth Warrens was i will murder Mike Bloomberg with my bare hands. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new report, the fcc received more than 1300 complaints about the super bowl halftime performance by Jennifer Lopez and shakira and i have to agree. It was not long enough [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause the heiress to the hot pockets fortune was sentenced yesterday to five months in prison for her role in the College Admissions scandal. And shell know when her sentence is up because shell hear this sound. [ ding ] [ laughter ] according to a new study, men who eat a healthy and balanced diet are more likely to have a high sperm count, which explains applebees new salad [ laughter ] thats right, a new study says men who eat an unhealthy diet of sweets are more likely to have a lower sperm count. Well now we know why this guy had to give his factory to someone elses kid [ laughter ] now we know. [ applause ] a man in florida was recently arrested at an ihop restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals hes being charged with first degree flap jacking. [ laughter ] the owner of a professional soccer team in romania recently claimed that his team lost three games in a row because they were having too much sex with their girlfriends, which angered the players almost as much as it angered their wives. [ laughter ] a man in wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from walmart. His crime . Planning the best night ever [ cheers and applause heinz will reportedly release a new condiment this year called mayoracha which combines mayonnaise and sriracha. So if you like mayonnaise and you like sriracha, youre going to love toilet paper [ laughter ] [ applause ] and finally a 42yearold zamboni driver a 42yearold zamboni driver, played in his first nhl game for the Carolina Hurricanes over the weekend after both of the teams goalies were forced to leave the game with injuries. Some say he may never play goalie in the league again but i bet hell resurface. [ laughter ] this brings us to a segment called, one of my writers explains a joke. [ cheers and applause seth okay. So a 42yearold zamboni driver played his first nhl game blah, blah, blah some say he may never play goalie in the league again but i bet hell resurface. Matt, you want to talk us through your thought process there . [ laughter ] ah, yeah, this ones a bit of a thinker. [ laughter ] it plays on the double meaning of the word resurface. When the listener first hears the joke, theyre meant to think that it refers to one day reappearing in an nhl game

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