Questions like, why has no one responded to my birthday evite . [ light laughter ] real easy, you just click yes or no [ light laughter ] a 30foothigh portion of president trumps border wall blew over yesterday and fell into mexico. [ laughter ] man, thats how rough things are right now. Even trumps wall is leaving the country. [ laughter and applause the New York Times [ cheers and applause the New York Times launched a quiz today to match readers with the democratic president ial candidates apparently, john delaney took the quiz and even he didnt get john delaney [ laughter ] the Border Patrol announced yesterday that it has discovered a 4,000 footlong tunnel going from mexico to the u. S. Which is 70 feet below ground and has a ventilation system, electrical cables, an elevator and rails for moving items said new yorkers, does it go to brooklyn . [ laughter and applause sounds amazing [ cheers and applause can we get that . Commerce secretary wilbur ross, this morning, claimed that the outbreak of coronavirus in china could be good for the u. S. Economy. Though its never a good idea to gloat about a pandemic when you look like you could be laid out by the hiccups [ laughter ] mattel has released a new line of wellnessthemed barbie dolls, including a doll that comes with a cucumber eye mask, bath bombs and a candle oh sorry, thats gwyneth paltrow. [ laughter ] im sorry. Sorry, from i just got it wrong. Over 150,000 people are expected to visit miami this weekend for the super bowl, as well as a handful of unlucky tourists who happened to pick the wrong weekend. [ laughter ] what is the super bowl . [ light laughter ] where is the beach [ light laughter ] why is there so much traffic who are the chiefs . [ laughter ] massachusetts residents, yesterday celebrated the grand opening of the first Recreational Marijuana dispensary on cape cod now when you go whale watching, youll swear the whales are watching you back. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause and finally, officials at u. P. S. Announced yesterday that theyre adding at least 10,000 electric delivery trucks to their fleet, but perhaps more importantly, theyre subtracting at least ten inches off their shorts. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause she is a very funny comedian and actress whose standup special, leslie jones time machine, is now streaming globally on netflix. Our friend, leslie jones is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause you can see him in the Second Season of the neighborhood, which airs mondays on cbs. One of our favorites, Max Greenfield is here and he is a talented writer and director whose latest film, jojo rabbit, is nominated for six Academy Awards, including best picture and best adapted screenplay Taika Waititi is here. So we got a great show for you guys tonight [ cheers and applause before we get to all that, as the Senate Impeachment trial enters its next phase, the president and his lawyers have gone from arguing that there was no quid pro quo to arguing that the president can do literally whatever he wants. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth Democratic House prosecutors have laid out a very clear, specific, detailed case against president trump. He held up hundreds of millions of dollars in aid to ukraine in order to extort that country to help him cheat in the 2020 election by digging up dirt on joe biden. Congressman jason crow, a combat veteran, put it in very simple terms. We are here for one reason and one reason only. The president of the United States withheld foreign aid that he was happy to give in the two prior years, that suddenly we are to believe conditions on the ground changed and he had an epiphany about corruption within a week of Vice President biden announcing his candidacy. It doesnt make any sense. Seth no, it doesnt, mostly because trump isnt capable of having an epiphany [ light laughter ] his brain is only capable of firing one neuron at a time. [ light laughter ] if he ever tried to do a math problem, hed forget to breathe and pass out [ light laughter ] thats why he looks dead into the camera with that blank stare like a deer caught in a nature video. [ light laughter ] not only has trump never heard of an epiphany in his life, if you asked him what an epiphany was, hed probably say, the daughter who hates me . Shes a real piphany. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause and as the Democratic House prosecutors have laid out their evidence in the Senate Impeachment trial, president trumps defense team has struggled to respond its getting harder and harder for trump to insist that the investigation is a socalled witch hunt and i mean its literally getting physically harder for him to say the words, witch hunt the American People are disgusted by the washington democrat wish and you see it. You see it seth what [ light laughter ] we dont know what you said. [ light laughter ] why does he always do that thing where he just quickly moves on and pretends he didnt mess up instead of just stopping and correcting himself its not a slick move, dude. It makes you sound like a stt butter [ mumbling ] [ light laughter ] witch, witch, was. And when hes not complaining about a witch hunt, trump has repeatedly claimed that article two of the constitution, which outlines the powers of the presidency, allows him to do literally whatever he wants. Article two allows me to do whatever i want. Then i have an article two, where i have the right to do whatever i want as president , but i dont even talk about that nobody ever mentions article two. It gives me all of these rights at a level that nobody has ever seen before. Seth what do you mean nobody has ever seen before only trump would think no one ever gets to that part because its all the way back in article two. [ light laughter ] of course, i doubt trump has ever read even one full sentence of the constitution. He probably got three words in and quit we, the people . I think that m is upside down. [ laughter ] [ applause ] or maybe, maybe its possible its possible trump just got some bad legal advice. After all, look whos representing him in the impeachment trial. Heres one of his lawyers, pam bondi, the former attorney general of florida trying to claim that joe bidens son, hunter, was corrupt and worth investigating, except she clearly could not find her notes and was lost without them. He remained on the board until [ light laughter ] april [ laughter ] of 2019 [ laughter and applause seth pam bondi you [ laughter ] [ bleep [ laughter ] up [ cheers and applause where where does trump find these lawyers . Did he see her on a bus stop bench ad [ laughter ] or just on a bus stop bench . Shes like a failed game show contestant whose fallback career was defending the president. Ms. Bondi, who is hunter biden he remained on the board until [ buzzer ] [ laughter and applause seth i have not seen a swing and a miss that bad since that british lady whiffed on Greta Thunbergs name. The 2019 book entitled no one is too small to make a difference is a collection of speeches made by a swedish Climate Change activist. Whats her name . Sharon. [ laughter ] greta thunberg. Seth she looks like a sharon [ laughter ] but trumps claim that he can do whatever he wants is very much at the core of trumpism and the modern Republican Party. And that ethos is very much on display in this impeachment trial. Republicans have spent a decade pretending to be a principled party based on limited government and respect for the constitution where in reality, they never cared about any of that stuff. Todays Republican Party is an authoritarian movement led by people who believe they should have the power to impose their will on everyone else. And trump perfectly embodies that authoritarian mindset, which was on display in its clearest and most obvious form yesterday when trump lawyer Alan Dershowitz made a truly shocking argument that it doesnt matter if trump engaged in an illegal quid pro quo to cheat in the 2020 election, because if he was doing something to help himself get reelected, that means he was also doing it in the National Interest every public official that i know believes that his election is in the Public Interest. And mostly youre right. Your election is in the Public Interest and if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the Public Interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment seth that is an absolutely insane argument that is antithetical to literally everything the founders believed when they wrote the constitution think about what hes saying there. Hes saying that if you believe you being president is whats best for the country, then youre allowed to do whatever you want in order to remain president. Thats insane. By that logic, trump could shut down airports under the pretense of high winds any time one of his democratic challengers had a flight, which would affect everyone but bernie who likely has a backup mule. [ laughter ] mules are stubborn, no nonsense and affordable, just like me [ laughter and applause i will see you in iowa in one week. [ cheers and applause now, to give you an idea of how utterly bankrupt and amoral this idea is, lets just step back and review how much the trump teams argument has changed over the last few months. Because as you just heard, one of the president s lawyers literally just said that he can commit an illegal quid pro quo to cheat in an election and thats fine. But as youll recall, when the allegations first emerged, trump and his supporters insisted adamantly over, and over, and over again that no such quid pro quo had ever occurred. Theres no quid pro quo, no demand, no pressure, no threat theres no quid pro quo there was no quid pro quo there is no quid pro quo. There is no quid pro quo. There was no quid pro quo there was no quid pro quo there was no quid pro quo. But listen to this there is no pro quo. [ laughter ] seth thats right it there was no pro quo i guess we cant expect the president of the United States to remember that many onesyllable words [ light laughter ] when eric and don jr. Were growing up he probably read them a book called the cat in the. [ laughter ] no pro quo sounds like a fake phrase a new yorker would say to a tourist in times square to avoid talking to them. Excuse me, can you tell us where the m m store is . Excuse me, no pro quo. [ laughter ] so that was their argument at the start. Fast forward to tuesday amid the Senate Impeachment trial when senator ted cruz took a rehearsal break from his oneman unabomber musical to argue that it doesnt matter if there was a quid pro quo the constitution requires high crimes or misdemeanors that the test for impeachment, its treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors and the house democrats, they havent alleged any crime whatsoever one point that explains why the president is innocent, and he should be acquitted and why he will be acquitted. Quid pro quo doesnt matter. Its a red herring it doesnt matter if there was a quid pro quo or not. Seth oh, now it doesnt matter you guys have spent the last four months insisting it didnt happen when you suddenly change your argument like that, it makes it obvious it did happen. If you worked at Dunkin Donuts and your boss said to you, hey brad, did you stick your [ bleep ] through the crullers and you said, of course not. And then he asked you again, and you said, it doesnt matter, crullers taste like [ bleep ] anyway. [ laughter ] then, yeah, you stuck your [ bleep ] through all the crullers [ cheers and applause in fact, ted cruz himself, he once argued there was definitely no quid pro quo. A lot of what the democrats had been raising, alleging an illegal quid pro quo was not, in fact, backed up by the transcript seth first of all, it wasnt a transcript the transcript is still in some secret server with a ton of what im sure is other incriminating material and second of all, even the readout the white house released backed up the quid pro quo when you offer someone something of value, and then literally in the next breath say, i would like you to do us a favor though, as trump did no his phone call with the president of ukraine, that is the literal definition of a quid pro quo and if that person turns it down, the only polite thing to say is no pro quo. [ laughter ] seth these guys cant keep their talking points straight, because they dont have a coherent defense just watch this awkward moment from Sean Hannitys fox news show where he tried to tick through four supposed facts that explain why trump is definitely innocent and then tossed to gop congressman jim jordan to explain the fourth fact, but jordan seemed to have no idea what he was supposed to say. Jim jordan, four facts never change and why is that relevant again tonight . Because lets say john bolton said the president vented. President said, ah, i they better do this or theyre not getting any money. The fourth fact is [ light laughter ] of your facts, the fourth fact is it doesnt matter does it . Cause he didnt do it. Seth ha, ha. [ laughter ] that was the equivalent of watching someone pass a basketball to a teammate whos not looking and have it bounce right off their face [ light laughter ] even pam bondi was like, get it together, guys. [ light laughter ] trumps lawyers and allies cant keep their talking points straight because its all bs theyre making up stuff off the top of their heads to mask the only real argument they actually have, which is this, they want to keep trump in office. And in order to do that, they have to agree hes above the law. Theyve said as much throughout this impeachment trial the Republican Party is an authoritarian movement, beholden to their cultlike leader. Thats been clear since the moment trump announced his candidacy. But its been especially obvious since at least april [ light laughter ] of 2019 seth oh, pam [ cheers and applause this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause well be right back with leslie jones, everybody. [ cheers and applause announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Only lexus asks questions like these. Because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. Protect your pet with the 1 name in flea and tick protection. Frontline plus. Trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. Frontline plus. announcer verizon won more awards than any other network again this year. All these awards are more proof that we built a network that really works for you. Experience americas mostawarded network on the phone you love, the amazing iphone. Plus, up to 650 off the latest iphone when you switch. Hey hey you guys man, im thinklook like foodies. Would you like to try our trashy back ribs . Oh, that sounds great. Everything is locally harvested, farm to dumpster to table. Uhhh, what do you. What else do you got . stammering wwe have a melon rind stew. Comes with a pork and bean reduction. Yeah, were going to just do a lap and well come back. Okay. Well, well be here. Man why isnt this working . My mouth is watering. I think thats just your rabies flaring up. With geico, the savings keep on going. Just like this sequel. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on car insurance. We got gristle pot pies you try to stay ahead of the mess. But scrubbing still takes time. Now theres new powerwash dish spray. Its the faster way to clean as you go. Just spray, wipe and rinse. It cleans grease five times faster. New dawn powerwash. Spray, wipe, rinse. Magnum ice cream double caramel. Now in ice cream tubs and bars. And that was all you knew, would you really understand it, with just that point of view . Weve got a different way to look at it, from right here on the ground. We dont just the United States we see united towns. Were grateful for what you bring, and all the sparks youve shown, in the thousands of towns that we get to call home. [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause also weve had the pleasure this entire week to be joined by an incredible drummer whos been sitting in with us and for the last three years hes been playing with rocks most innovative artist, beck. Check out his latest album, hyperspace, and see beck out on tour later this year. Chris coleman, everybody [ cheers and applause thanks for being here. Thank you, seth appreciate it. Seth our first guest tonight is an emmy nominated comedian for her work on saturday night live. You can see her fantastic new standup special, leslie jones time machine, which is currently streaming globally on netflix. He show, our very good friend leslie jones, everyone [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause seth hello, leslie hey, baby hi [ cheers and applause seth it is always so wonderful to have you. They love you. Okay. We can feel the relationship to where i love you seth you this is such a fantastic special. I loved watching it so much. So funny you wrote it together with your friend whos a very funny comedian as well, lenny marcus yes seth youve talked ive read articles youve talked about how nice the collaboration is to have another comedian to bounce stuff off its always good to put one great thing and another great thing together, because youre going to always make a great thing. Seth yeah. And lenny is just as, like, hard on comedy as much as i am like he was hard on me seth yeah. He was like i think lenny is up there in the top coaches ive ever had in my life seth well, the really nice thing about it was, you know, i dont know the process, but he got the best leslie jones out of leslie jones, which i thought was fun to watch first of all, he wrote my whole like, id never seen all my jokes seth yeah. He wrote all my jokes out on a piece of paper and i was, like, what [ laughter ] what how did you know id say that . That is crazy. You are a nerd, dude i love you i love him i love him seth thats great. You also incredible coup, youre a huge fan of game of thrones and you got the cocreators of that show, ben