Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20240713 :

Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20240713

Included all of your cbs favorites including survivor, blue bloods, and of course, young sheldon. [ laughter ] democrats held their latest primary debate last night. And i have to say it was really jarring to see difference between bloomberg in the debate and bloomberg in every ad break. [ laughter ] it was like when you see the tv version of a cheese burger from a fast food commercial. And then you go there. And you get one. And it looks like this [ laughter ] thats debate bloomberg right there. And this this is debate bloomberg after Elizabeth Warren got ahold of him. [ laughter ] during last nights [ cheers and applause during last nights debate every candidate was asked to share their personal motto for example, Amy Klobuchars was politics is about improving peoples lives. And Elizabeth Warrens was i will murder Mike Bloomberg with my bare hands. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new report the fcc received more than 1300 complaints about the super bowl halftime performance by Jennifer Lopez and shakira and i have to agree. It was not long enough [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause the heiress to the hot pockets fortune was sentenced yesterday to five months in prison for her role in the College Admissions scandal. And shell know when her sentence is up because shell hear this sound. [ bell ring [ laughter ] according to a new study, men who eat a healthy and balanced diet are more likely to have a high sperm count, which explains applebees new salad [ laughter ] thats right, a new study says men who eat an unhealthy diet of sweets are more likely to have a lower sperm count. Well now we know why this guy had to give his factory to someone elses kid [ laughter ] now we know. [ applause ] a man in florida was recently arrested at an ihop restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals hes being charged with first degree flap jacking. [ laughter ] the owner of a professional soccer team in romania recently claimed that his team lost three games in a row because they were having too much sex with their girlfriends, which angered the players almost as much as it angered their wives. [ laughter ] a man in wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from walmart. His crime . Planning the best night ever [ cheers and applause heinz will reportedly release a new condiment this year called mayoracha which combines mayonnaise and sriracha. So if you like mayonnaise and you like sriracha, youre going to love toilet paper [ laughter ] [ applause ] and finally a 42yearold zamboni driver a 42yearold zamboni driver, played in his first nhl game for the Carolina Hurricanes over the weekend after both of the teams goalies were forced to leave the game with injuries. Some say he may never play goalie in the league again but i bet hell resurface. [ laughter ] this brings us to a segment called, one of my writers explains a joke. [ cheers and applause okay so a 42yearold zamboni driver played his first nhl game blah, blah, blah some say he may never play goalie in the league again but i bet hell resurface. Matt, you want to talk us through your thought process there . [ laughter ] ah, yeah, this ones a bit of a thinker. [ laughter ] it plays on the double meaning of the word resurface. When the listener first hears the joke theyre meant to think that it refers to one day reappearing in an nhl game but theres a twist. [ laughter ] which is that in the context of the joke, the word resurface actually refers to the job of the zamboni man, which is to resurface the ice. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause seth thank you and by the way, thank you, thank you for referring to him as a zamboni man and not a zamboni driver [ laughter ] a lot of people make that mistake. Can you just show us real quick, like, how what celebration did you do at your desk when you wrote this joke . [ laughter ] it was like a, you know, a little [ laughter ] seth give it up for matt goldich, everybody. [ cheers and applause this has been one of my writers explains a joke. Seth weve got a great show for you guys tonight hes a member of the Grammy Nominated band, Jonas Brothers and also a coach on season 18 of the voice, which airs mondays here on nbc. Nick jonas is back, you guys [ cheers and applause he is a tight end and team captain for the super bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, travis kelce is here [ cheers and applause very exciting stuff, right there. And he is a very funny comedian, and actor and a great friend of mine who you can see in the new fox sitcom, outmatched. Finesse mitchell is back [ cheers and applause so you guys are here on a great night. Before we get to all of our guests, democrats screamed over each other in a chaotic debate as President Trump tightens his authoritarian grip on power. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth the 2020 election will be a referendum on whether we want to preserve whatever is left of our democratic institutions, or whether we want to complete the slide into authoritarianism weve seen under donald trump and that slide is not only real, after trumps impeachment acquittal, its accelerating you can tell both from trumps increased lawlessness and from the way he stands. I mean, look at him. He leans like hes accelerating. He literally looks like hes sliding downhill on skis if you gave him a tiny push, hed fall over like a jenga tower. [ laughter ] the Trump White House has literally been making lists of supposedly disloyal government officials, purging them from the administration, installing unqualified cronies in high profile positions, insisting he has the right to interfere in criminal cases to protect his allies and claiming that not only is he above the law, but that he himself is the law im allowed to be totally involved im actually, i guess, the chief Law Enforcement officer of the country. Seth no, youre not a Law Enforcement officer. First of all, youd never pass the background check [ laughter ] or the physical. You dont [ laughter ] you dont even know [ cheers and applause you dont even know the sound a gun makes. Ah, ah, ah, beak. Seth is that is that a gun or a ducks mouth . Beak. Also, trump declaring himself the countries chief law effort officer makes clear that he desperately wishes he was a cop when at best hes more like that weird crossing guard who no one actually knows and who doesnt seem to be paying attention to traffic. All right kids. Lets go just make sure dodge the cars. [ laughter ] and by the way, while hes tightening his own authoritarian grip on power, trump is fresh off a trip to india where he cozied up to another authoritarian nationalist, narendra modi, whos rounded up 1000s of muslims and passed a citizenship law that discriminates against islam. And rather than comment on any of that, trump said in a press conference before he left india that he wanted to avoid being controversial, so as not to ruin his trip i thought it was a great two days it was a fantastic two days. Im going to be not at all controversial because i dont want to blow the two days plus two days of travel on one answer, one little answer. So ill be very, very conservative with my answers if you dont mind seth its so weird when trump just openly says what hes doing. Hes like a guy on a date saying, normally id be cheap but tonight im going pick up the tab so youll have sex with me [ laughter ] but tomorrow breakfast is on you. [ laughter ] trump, of course, has a deep affinity for fellow authoritarians hes always trying to mimic them or impress them. Whether its modi or putin or the time he sat in oval office with crowned Prince Mohammed bin salman of saudi arabia and literally showed off a giant poster of all the weapons hed sold to them like a sixth grader presenting a class project on the military. Did you know the army has planes, and tanks and boats . [ laughter ] the democrats are trying to sort out who has the best chance of defeating trump. And thankfully we got answers to that important question last night in a calm, well organized debate on cbs with clear questions in which everyone took turns speaking and we got to hear their answers first of all first of all no, let me talk let me talk. I think tom, i think she was talking about my plan. Not yours. [ talking over each other your opposition to the filibuster i had time out in not a digression from a long time ago. I think shed recognize me. Mayor bloomberg alleged never said that to have said to one of his oh come on, i wrote that law. That bill along with you didnt write that bill i wrote that bill. I did write i wrote the bill lets talk about what it adds up to lets talk about math. Lets talk about math indeed lets talk about math. Okay, so heres the math if were doing nothing the truth is, pete one at a time the americans senator klobachar donald trumps, bernie this has to stop. Bernie, donald trump let me ask her. Thank you, bill senator klobachar, a expression new topic, new topic for this whole campaign i dont senator seth jesus [ laughter ] does the c in cbs sand stand for cluster [ bleep ] . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause that was i mean, that was like watching a family dinner if the special ingredient in the mashed potatoes was cocaine. [ laughter ] ive seen more polite conversations between new yorkers fighting over a cab. Hey i want you first. Oh, yeah, then why was my hand up . [ laughter ] now with the stakes for the 2020 election so high, the Democratic Candidates spent some time in particular fighting over their own positions on Foreign Policy now lets be clear, theres no comparison to trump on this topic and any false equivalence between trump and any democrat is absurd. I mean, trump has taken his praise for dictators to gross new levels emulating them and even bragging that he and kim jong un quote, fell in love over kims beautiful letter, which he has bragged about or shown off to reporters multiple times trump loves holding up pieces of paper. [ laughter ] hes like a High School Senior running into the house with his College Acceptance letter. Mom, look, i got into the pyongyang university. [ laughter ] at least i think thats what it i cant read. And yet, even as trump has lavished praise on one authoritarian nationalist after another, republicans and democrats were attacking Bernie Sanders for comments in which he praised not cuba but cubas literacy program. Now, as Fact Checkers have noticed, sanders comments about cuba mirror those of president barack obama in 2016 soon after he had moved to open diplomatic relations with cuba. And yet when bernie tried to point that out at last nights democratic debate, a few people in the crowd tried to boo him to bernies surprise. What i said is what barack obama said in terms of cuba, that cuba made progress on education. Yes, i think really really seth bernie sounds like he just got cut in line at the deli really . [ laughter ] youre gonna walk up let me see that ticket thats handwritten thats handwritten thats not from this store. [ laughter ] meanwhile billionaire former republican Michael Bloomberg has actually praised authoritarian leaders like chinas xi jinping, who he has said is not a dictator and last night bloomberg again refused to call xi a dictator. But somehow, even worst than his comments on repressive dictator, was his bungling of multiple lame, prewritten jokes that he tried to shoehorn into his answer mayor bloomberg, as mayor of new york, you declared war on obesity. You banned transfats from restaurants. And you tried to do the same with large sugary drinks so if you become president , will you push those policies on the National Level as well well, i think whats right for new york city isnt necessarily right for all the other cities otherwise youd have a naked cowboy in every city so, lets get serious here. Red lining is not the problem with the Mortgage Market but it was a problem for the communities where it was done. And we stopped that. Let me also say because just to since i have the floor for a second that i really am surprised that all of these my fellow contestants up here i guess would be the right word for it, given nobody pays attention to the clock. Im surprised they show up because i would have thought after i did such a good job in beating them last week that theyd be a little bit afraid to do that. [ laughter ] seth let me put this in terms a new yorker would understand Mike Bloomberg went so far out of his way to make the joke he had to take the fdr, to the bqe, accidentally ended up on the l. I. E. And now his competitors are all on the f. U [ laughter ] [ applause ] now Mike Bloomberg could just have easily stayed out of the race and spent his money to help which ever democrat got the nomination or he could have just offered trump himself the money to resign you know trump would take it trump has never in his life passed up an opportunity to make money. If you asked him to sell the presidency for 1 billion, hed say, yes. And then quietly peel the sticker off his desk that says for sale, ten dollars. [ laughter ] and yet bloomberg decided instead to get into the race himself because he cares more about stopping progressives like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders in fact, he basically admitted as much himself in leaked audio from 2016 in which cnn reported that he called warren scary. And, honestly, the way warren has destroyed him in these debates he should be scared. Last night, for example, she highlighted allegations that bloomberg harassed and discriminated against pregnant women in his Company Including one incident in which he allegedly told a pregnant employee, kill it. Now bloomberg denied making the remark, even though the Washington Post reported that a former bloomberg employee said he witnessed the conversation. And then after the debate msnbc anchor Chris Matthews asked warren if she thought bloomberg was lying and her straightforward answers seemed confused matthews. Do you believe that the former mayor of new york said that to a pregnant employee . Well, a pregnant employee sure said that he did. Why shouldnt i believe her . You believe hes lying. I believe the woman do you believe hes lying which means hes not telling the truth. And why would he lie . Because just to protect himself . Yeah. And why would she lie . I mean, thats the question, chris. Seth damn, look at his face. [ laughter ] he genuinely cant understand. Why would he lie . Just to protect himself . Doesnt make any sense powerful men never do that. [ laughter ] warren flipped the question on him perfectly. As soon as she turned it around on him, matthews malfunctioned like a robot whod been asked an unsolvable riddle. Could god make a rock so big he could not lift it . Error, error. Were watching as our current president tightens his grip on power and cozies up to authoritarians around the world. Meanwhile, an exrepublican billionaire is trying to buy his way into the democratic primary purely because hes scared of progressives like warren and bernie and when bloomberg insists hes the only one who can beat trump, the rest of the field looks at him and says really . Really seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause well be right back with nick jonas, everybody. [ cheers and applause announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. announcer verizon won more awards than any other network again this year. All these awards are more proof that we built a network that really works for you. Experience americas mostawarded network on the phone you love, the amazing iphone. Plus, up to 650 off the latest iphone when you switch. Actually dry . Lets see. Its dry. Theres no dry time makes us wonder. Why we booked fifteensecond. Ad slots dries instantly and. Keeps you protected for fortyeighthours. And my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. My focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. [sfx bullwhip cracks] old town road by lil nas xs yeah, im gonna take my horse to the old town road, im gonna ride til i cant no more doritosĀ® cool ranch just got cooler. Be stronger. With nicorette coated ice mint. Layered with flavor. Its the first and only coated nicotine lozenge. For an amazing taste. That outlasts your craving. Nicorette ice mint. For an amazing taste. That o howling wind raving. howling wind someones sitting in that chair. The invisible man is the best reviewed thriller of the year. [ hooting ] it will have you looking over your shoulder. Hello. [ breathing heavily ] where are you . Its terrifying. [ gasping ] [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band, right over there [ cheers and applause also, joining us again tonight, she is currently the drummer for singersongwriter adam lambert, whose selftitled album is out now. For more information, check out adamofficial. Com and be sure to follow her on instagram. Michelle baptiste is here [ cheers and applause thank you so much for being here our first guest tonight is a Grammy Nominated musician and onethird of the Jonas Brothers. He is also the newest coach on this season of nbcs the voice with new episodes airing on monday nights at 8 00 p. M. Lets take a look. How long have you been playing music . My whole family is musical. A musical family. A musical family. Interesting [ laughter and applause dang. This is interesting carry on go ahead i started writing songs four years ago. So you wrote your first song when you were 12 yes interesting, another interesting fact i dont know if you know this. I also wrote one of my first songs when i was 12. Its a song called sos. [ cheers and applause oh man. Seth please welcome back to the show, nick jonas [ cheers and applause seth welcome back. [ cheers and applause so happy to see you. Thanks for having me. Seth youve been here before and then about a month ago we went out a

© 2025 Vimarsana