[ light laughter ] please, please, please, please what have i ever done wrong? oh, right, right, right. [ light laughter ] president trump said at the national prayer breakfast today that his impeachment has been a, quote, "terrible ordeal. and that no one in history has been persecuted like him." [ laughter ] "ruined my friday. during his speech on impeachment this afternoon, president trump called first lady melania and daughter, ivanka, to the podium and hugged them. "what was it like? asked eric [ laughter ] after finishing in third place in the iowa caucuses, senator elizabeth warren is pulling $500,000 worth of television ads. and after finishing fourth, joe biden is thinking about pulling a tonya harding. [ laughter and applause that's the times desperate times -- during a town hall last night, tech entrepreneur andrew yang bragged that president trump has never tweeted about him. buddy, i'm not sure that's good news it just means he considers you less important than joe biden, kristen stewart, and diet coke [ laughter and applause 7-eleven announced yesterday that it will open its first cashier-less store in texas. oh no, now who's going to flick a cigarette at me while i'm trying to pay? [ light laughter ] i like that human touch. [ light laughter ] according to a new study, painting bedroom walls blue may help prevent insomnia. said one guy, "i'm painting for hours every night and i'm still wired. [ light laughter ] in a new survey, 93% of married people say they're satisfied with their personal life, then added, "now ask me again when my husband's not here." [ laughter ] and finally, the annual new york fashion week began today and this year's hottest runway trend, walkers [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause he is the star of the new film, "come to daddy" in theaters this friday, our friend, elijah wood is here everybody. [ cheers and applause you can hear him as the voice of sonic in "sonic the hedgehog" in theaters february 14th ben schwartz is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause and he is the talented author whose terrific novel, "run me to earth" is available now. paul yoon will be joining us [ cheers and applause so it's a great show tonight so happy you're here before we get to our guests, today the president reeled off a deranged tirade at the white house where he celebrated his sham impeachment acquittal with his republican co-conspirators for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: after his acquittal in the senate impeachment trial yesterday, trump was eager to celebrate. even at events where it wasn't entirely appropriate for example, this morning, he attended the annual national prayer breakfast in washington and before he even sat down, trump started holding up the front pages of multiple newspapers showing people he was acquitted. [ light laughter ] a stunt which he then repeated at a press conference a few hours later at the white house he finally found the one job he's qualified for, newspaper boy. [ laughter and applause "extra, extra. [ cheers and applause extra, extra read all about me. trump, a quitter." [ laughter ] then trump took aim at both utah senator mitt romney, the only republican who voted to convict trump and also house speaker nancy pelosi romney cited his faith in explaining his vote and pelosi has said many times she prays for the president. and trump decided to attack them for it >> i don't like people who use their faith as justification for doing what they know is wrong. nor do i like people who say, "i pray for you," when they know that that's not so [ laughter ] >> seth: because what is prayer if not a time to air petty grievances [ light laughter ] then trump's son, don jr., tried to back him up on twitter this morning writing "the likelihood of nancy pelosi praying for trump is about the same as the likelihood of satan running around quoting the scriptures. all right. okay let's see if satan has ever quoted the scriptures. >> 2 corinthians, right, 2 corinthians 3:17 [ cheers and applause that's the whole ball game >> seth: even when trump is reading directly from the bible, he sounds like he's making it up he sounds like he's trying to distract a priest while his fellow altar boys steal the communion wine "2 corinthians or just one corinthian there were two [ light laughter ] that's what really made them quite a team and you know, you can't just beat 2 corinthians i mean, that's the whole ball game." [ light laughter ] then trump moved over to the white house where he decided to hold his deranged victory speech, or press conference, or whatever it was. in fact, even trump, himself, didn't seem to know what quite to call it >> this is really not a news conference it's not a speech. it's not anything. [ laughter ] >> seth: then why are we here? he sounds like simon cowell berating a contestant on "america's got talent. "it's not a song it's not a dance it's not anything. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause that might be the only thing trump was right about. this really wasn't a speech or a press conference or anything it was a chance to lash out at critics, spin wild conspiracy theories and soothe his wounded ego. in fact, he spent most of his time gleefully shouting out fellow republicans who helped him cover up his crimes. and the shout-outs kept getting weirder and weirder. >> mitch mcconnell, i want to tell you, you did a fantastic job. and mike brawn, you have done some great job thank you very much. [ applause ] josh hawley, i want to thank you, you were right from the beginning. man, did i make a good choice. mike lee is a brilliant guy. he's difficult kevin, man, did you do a job lucky you're there jim jordan, when i first got to know jim, i said, huh -- never wears a jacket [ light laughter ] what the hell's going on he's obviously very proud of his body >> seth: proud of his body [ light laughter ] have you seen jim jordan he looks like a ventriloquist dummy who got cut from jeff dunham's act. [ light laughter ] so telling that trump thinks not wearing a jacket means you're proud of your body because trump does everything he can to cover up his body not only does he wear those baggy pants and long ties, but he also wears that giant, bulky coat that makes him look like he just snuck out of the white house with all the valuable china stuffed in his pockets [ laughter and applause and then at one point trump shouted out iowa senator chuck grassley and claimed grassley had supposedly scared former fbi director james comey into confessing to comey's supposed secret plot to take down trump >> the man who got james comey to choke. and he was just talking in his regular voice. he's got this voice that scares people [ light laughter ] you know, people from iowa can be very tough. we're doing very well in iowa. but i tell you, chuck grassley, he's looking to comey, "well you tell me, what did you say? >> seth: all right that sounds very scary so let's compare this scary fictional version of grassley to the actual grassley trying to gavel down a democrat at a senate hearing >> this committee, sir, is a violation of even the values i've heard you talk about time and time again [ tapping the ideals that we should have what is the rush [ light laughter ] [ tapping what are we trying to hide by not having the documents out in front? [ tapping what are we -- what's the rush, what are we hiding by not letting those documents come out? you've called for documents. you, yourself, limited documents. [ tapping we thought there should be more. [ light laughter ] we have not received a document that you have even called for. >> seth: he's not a senator, he's a metronome [ laughter ] he looks like a grandpa who's been trying to hammer one nail into the deck for eight hours. "grandpa, just let me use the drill. "i don't need any help [ light laughter ] let me do it myself. although, there was one imaginary friend trump couldn't introduce because he wasn't in the room but trump said he wished he had been there so that he could have given him an introduction too. >> honest abe lincoln. you know, a lot of people forget, abe lincoln -- i wish he were here, i would give him one hell of an introduction [ light laughter ] but he was -- he was a republican abe lincoln. honest abe >> seth: that's right. trump wishes he could have introduced abraham lincoln at his speech today of course, if trump did, he would immediately make it about him and somehow insult lincoln "honest abe, is it -- there he is abe lincoln, everybody so honest. maybe the most honest. although, some people say i'm a little more honest [ light laughter ] so, abe over there, he's laughing he's number two. the second most honest i'm number one i told you not to go to that theater, abe i told you [ laughter ] i told you plays were boring, but of course, you're fine nothing happened to you. so i don't know why the audience groaned. you're here in this timeline [ light laughter ] and this timeline, you're fine you're 200 years old and you're right there and you're laughing at me and we're friends. [ light laughter ] trump's rambling non-speech fever dream or whatever the hell it was, was really just a showcase for our aggrieved and wounded president to nurse his ego, relive old glories and lash out at random critics and shadowy imagined opponents for example, trump claimed that his three years as president have been marred by traitors trying to take him down and kept using a few insane phrases, in particular >> it was evil it was corrupt it was dirty cops. it was leakers and liars the bad ones, the leakers, the liars, the dirty cops. horrible, dirty cops when i fired that sleazebag, it was the top scum we caught him in the act dirty cops [ light laughter ] >> seth: is he whining about impeachment or narrating a movie trailer? "it was the bad ones the leakers, the liars, the dirty cops [ light laughter ] and the only one who could take them down was serpadope. [ laughter and applause i hope this is a reminder to everyone who thought trump has somehow managed to restrain himself during the state of the union, two days ago. the trump we saw today was the real trump and it's the trump we're doing to keep seeing for the next nine months until the election because it's pretty clear from his vengeful celebratory tone that trump wanted this to be the week that for all intents and purposes, he kicked off his 2020 re-election campaign. although, i'm not sure trump ever really stopped campaigning. he spends more time in arenas than jon bon jovi. "you ready to rock, kansas?" "this is missouri, you idiot!" [ cheers and applause for example, during his white house tirade today, trump bragged about his near unanimous victory in the republican iowa caucus on monday, even though he's the incumbent president, and everyone expects him to win easily, but trump still sent a big team to iowa on monday as a show of force including his adult gargoyle sons eric and don jr [ laughter ] don jr relayed what iowans have been telling him throughout his time campaigning in the state >> honestly, the biggest thing i get is thanks. it's someone telling us thank you for the sacrifices that your family's making because you didn't need this job right? the presidency wasn't the next natural progression for my father like it would have been for hillary where it's her turn. right? he'd actually done things in the real world he needed this job, frankly, like the hole in the head especially understanding the resistance he was going to get >> seth: all right, buddy. you sure he doesn't already have a hole in his head [ light laughter ] listen to him talk and tell me he doesn't have some hole in his head [ light laughter ] >> 10,000 known or suspested - gang members advising lawmerkers - will not be tolerited. [ laughter ] >> seth: yes, you see democratic lawmerkers suspested that trump had committed a crime. but ultimately republicans decided it could be tolerited. [ laughter ] that was monday. then on wednesday trump was hoping his week would be propelled further by on acquittal in the senate on party lines, where he expected to receive 100% support from republicans. and while it's true that trump was acquitted, his good news was stepped on by the fact that republican senator mitt romney sided with democrats and voted to convict him romney rained on trump's parade, which is bad news for trump because he doesn't know how to use an umbrella. [ laughter ] but seriously, even -- even with the acquittal, that one vote is a historical stain that will remain on trump's presidency forever. that fact is going to show up on trivial pursuit cards years from now. who's the only president in history to have a senator of his own party vote to remove him from office? hint, the answer is not -- >> abe lincoln honest abe [ laughter ] >> seth: now, romney knew he would pay a political price for this decision because trump allies had already warned that if republicans vote against the president, your head will be on a pike and romney was asked about that danger in an interview on fox news >> you realize this is war donald trump will never forgive you for this >> there's a -- there's a hymn that is sung in my church, it's an old protestant hymn, which is do what is right, let the consequence follow >> seth: there's probably no better way to flummox donald trump than by quoting a religious hymn because he has no idea what it means [ light laughter ] when trump hears the phrase, old protestant hymn, he probably thinks he's referring to a member of his cabinet. "oh yeah, i got a lot of protestant hims and one protestant her." [ light laughter ] and sure enough, trump did fire back at romney yesterday with a bizarre ad aimed at a member of his own party accusing romney of being a secret democratic traitor. but i'm not sure the ad had quite the damaging effect on romney that trump hoped it would have >> slick, slippery, stealthy mitt romney had us fooled. posing as a republican, he tried to infiltrate trump's administration as secretary of state. now his cover's blown. exposed by news reports as a democrats' secret asset. [ light laughter ] >> seth: look, i'm no mitt romney superfan, but you do realize this ad makes him look incredibly cool, right [ laughter and applause i mean, i didn't think it was possible to take a boring private equity robot like romney and turn him into james bond, but somehow trump did it literally wearing sunglasses and describe him as slick, stealthy, and a secret asset you might as well give him a martini, and aston martin and put him next to pussy galore [ light laughter ] "ms. galore, do you mind if i read you an old protestant hymn?" [ light laughter ] "call me pussy, mitt." "no, no, no, no, no. i'm not gonna do that. absolutely not." and yet, while romney stood alone among republicans in holding trump accountable, others who voted to acquit trump tried to dodge questions about their votes, especially the deeply vulnerable senators facing re-election in swing states in 2020 take maine senator susan collins who sided with trump on impeachment but also tried to claim in an interview with fox news last night that trump had learned his lesson >> will something in you be disappointed if you never see any evidence that he has learned a lesson or if he does something like this again? >> very much so. i hoped that the president would have learned from the fact that he was impeached by the house. there were so many of us who are republicans in the senate who are very critical of the call. the call was wrong parts of the call were fine. >> seth: what do you mean parts of the call were fine? he nailed the hello, and i thought the good-bye was solid, too. [ light laughter ] put it right back in the cradle when he was done also, why do you think trump would have learned anything? just today he said the call was perfect again. trump isn't capable of learning. doesn't matter what the subject is spelling, geography. never learns remember, this is a guy who misspelled his wife's name and his own name and who has -- [ laughter ] literally invented multiple fake countries. >> tanzania. nambia >> seth: yes tanzania and nambia. [ light laughter ] this guy is a president and he doesn't even know basic geography. if you said bangladesh to trump, he'd go, "why? is ladesh hot? [ laughter and applause [ cheers and applause collins was then asked if trump had given her any assurances that he learned his lesson and she admitted he had not. >> did he give you any assurance that he would not do something like that again, accept foreign help in anything represented to someone who might be running with him did you talk to him about it at all? >> i've had no conversations with him throughout the trial. >> so why do you have that feeling that he has changed, he learned a lesson >> i may not be correct on that. it's more aspirational on my part >> seth: oh, it's aspirational that's nice. you have one of those motivational posters up in your office, you know like the one with the cat that says, "hang in there, he might not be a criminal. [ laughter ] then there was colorado senator cory gardner, another deeply vulnerable republican facing a tough re-election in the swing state. gardner also sided with trump on impeachment. last night on a local news station, he was asked repeatedly if trump's actions were appropriate and would not answer the question while also insisting he was answering the question >> do you believe it's appropriate for the president of the united states to ask a foreign leader to investigate a political rival? yes or no? >> that wasn't the question that we had last night or we had in impeachment. >> was the president's behavior appropriate, though? >> but that wasn't the question. >> so, clearly, not answering that question. is that -- >> i did answer the question about impeachment. >> seth: no, you didn't. these guys all have the same trump brain disease where they think they can just jedi mind trick us into not believing what we're seeing that's why trump is always doing the thing with his hands, you know [ light laughter ] he's trying to pull an obi-wan kenobi on us, but instead he just looks like he's playing an invisible accordion "those aren't the droids you're looking for. you guys want to hear a polka? [ cheers and applause you want to hear a polka?" the fundamental -- the fundamental tenets of trumpism and the modern republican party are grievance and paranoia and that was on full display in trump's deranged press conference today but vulnerable republicans in swing states are struggling to defend that behavior because a majority of americans in polls still believe that the president's crimes cannot be - >> tolerited >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause we'll be right back with elijah wood, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks", be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. to us at best foods, taste is everything. and we believe great taste starts with great ingredients. like 100% cage free eggs. because at best foods, we're on the side of food. and i like to question your i'like this left turn.. it's the next one. you always drive this slow? how did you make someone i love? that must be why you're always so late. i do not speed. and that's saving me cash with drivewise. my son, he did say that you were the safe option. and that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. so get allstate. stop bossing. where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. this is my son's favorite color, you should try it. 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