Jenny slate, and featuring the legendary roots crew questlove 1150 what steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Hello, everybody hi [ cheers and applause welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Thats right youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it. Thank you very much. Guys, im very thrilled hes here adam sandler is my guest tonight [ cheers and applause he stars in the new movie uncut gems and hes already getting some oscar buzz for his performance. Id love to see him win an oscar, because if the orchestra tries to cut off his speech hed be like [ speaking gibberish ] [ laughter ] shut up shut up you might see it hes actually phenomenal in this movie, yeah this is exciting earlier tonight abc aired the Little Mermaid live. [ audience oohs the production started off at frozen, but thanks to Global Warming they had to change it to the Little Mermaid. [ laughter ] lets get to some news the New York Times just did a big story about the president s twitter. And it found that trump has sent over 2,000 tweets where he bragged about himself. [ light laughter ] americans are, like thats ridiculous Everybody Knows instagram is where you brag about yourself. [ light laughter ] the article also had a pretty interesting tidbit it said that President Trump actually wears reading glasses, but he doesnt like to be seen in them. Can we see him in his glasses . Well, its a bit much. [ laughter ] i can see that its a bit much. Its a bit much. I saw that donald trump jr. s new book is out today. It is called triggered how the left thrives on hate and wants to silence us. [ light laughter ] if you go to barnes noble, it can be found in the ignored childrens section [ laughter ] i feel bad for don jr. Today he walked into the white house and said, dad, i have a a new book. And trump was like, oh, no, i lost my reading glasses. [ laughter ] she packed my bag last night prefligh and im going to be high guys, did you see this at a recent dinner, President Trump tried to say mike pence. But he had a little trouble saying mike pence. Check this out Chuck Grassley was there and joanie ernst and and john thune and and mike pounce. [ laughter ] jimmy ah you know, mike pounce was there. Mike pounce. Well, we noticed trump has trouble pronouncing things all the time so with that in mind, its time to play talk like trump. [ cheers and applause talk like trump talk like trump jimmy this is how this works. Im going to see if anyone can guess how the president is the going to mispronounce a simple word if you get it right, you get a a prize. If you get it wrong, you still get a prize. All right. Raise your hand if you want to play talk like trump. Who yeah, yes come on, stand up, buddy how doing, pal whats your name im ryan. Jimmy ryan, welcome to the show our first clip, very simple. President trump is going to try to say the word fund. How do you think that hell mispronounce it . Finned. [ laughter ] jimmy finned finned thats really good, actually, yeah all right. Lets see what happens yet there in washington who would raid your health care to frund free benefits. Jimmy ah, frund. To frund sorry, youre wrong, but you still get a tshirt. [ buzzer ] [ sad trombone ] congratulations. Sorry, youre wrong. [ cheers and applause thank you very much. Who is next . Who is next . Who wants it come on. Yeah, you there. Ill come to you im come to you. How are you . Good, how are you jimmy whats your name chloe jimmy chloe, very good chloe, in this next clip, trump tries to say, walks of life. How do you think he said walks of life . Wax a laugh. Jimmy wax a laugh. Yeah. Jimmy wax a laugh. Lets see what happens when evil showed its hideous face americans of all walks of lice jimmy wow. [ buzzer ] [ sad trombone ] the correct answer was walks of lice was the heres your custom walks of lice tshirt [ cheers and applause oh, thank you jimmy thank you, chloe down here. Who wants it yeah, get up sure hi hi. Jimmy how are you doing, bud . Good, how are you jimmy whats your name riley jimmy riley, where you from oklahoma. Jimmy hey, welcome all right, love it ah, in our final clip, trump really that much for oklahoma love that. [ light laughter ] he tries to say deserve. Okay deserve. How do you think hell pronounce the word deserve . Dessert. [ light laughter ] jimmy it is trump, yeah. He likes food. So, yeah, dessert. Lets see what happened. You have never stopped to working to improve this country and you dzhrrr a government [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] [ sad trombone ] jimmy wow. He bailed he bailed real quick. Im sorry. I gotta see that again dave, can you play that again . Youve never stopped working to improve this country and you dzhrrr a government [ laughter ] jimmy there you go incorrect, but thank you for playing. Very nice to meet you. [ cheers and applause lets get to the some jokes, here lets go some news about 2020 a new poll in iowa shows Elizabeth Warren in first, Bernie Sanders in second, Pete Buttigieg in third and joe biden in fourth. Of course, iowa is a tough place for biden. For starters, all the corn is terrified of his teeth [ light laughter ] guys, november is here, and with thanksgiving right around the corner, people everywhere are hold up. What whats that . Whats that, im oh, right. Who are you . Im a spooky spider im a halloween fright with some safety tip this halloween night remember a flashlight wear reflective clothe and only trick or treat at the houses you know hahahaha, happy halloween. [ cheers and applause jimmy sorry, spooky spider, halloween was last week. Today is november 5th. I see well, in that case im a spooky spider im a political fright with some voting tip this Election Night beto orourke looks lik hes going to run jimmy im sorry. Im going to stop you right there, spooky spider not only did beto already announce he was running, he ran and he just ended his Campaign Like last week for real . Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah [ light laughter ] im way off jimmy yeah what else, what else . The nationals may be headed to the playoffs jimmy already [ light laughter ] that already happened. Already happened hot girl summers a thing [ laughter ] jimmy its november, its november ive got to figure out a better calendar situation, here jimmy wait you use a one a day calendar to keep track of what is going on in the world a far side one a day calendar, yes. I like to start my day with the gentle jabs and jest of cartoonist gary larson [ light laughter ] but a few months ago i got one that was so funny, i couldnt bring myself to tear it off. Here, look theres this family of cows, and theyre standing there and it speaks for itself sort of a thinker, you know. Jimmy yeah, i think its time for i think its time for you to go. [ light laughter ] delicious well, in that case im a spooky spider and as spider goes jimmy no, no, no you can go bye, take care spooky spider, everybody [ cheers and applause hey, check this out. I saw that the mcdonalds happy meal is turning 40 [ audience oohs so now that its 40, instead of being a happy meal, its more of a selfreflective, what does it all mean meal [ laughter ] you guys, theres a lot going on in the news right now but instead of me just telling you about it, i thought it would be nice to give you the chance to decide what to talk about. Thats right, its time for you pick the joke. [ cheers and applause you pick the joke you pick the joke jimmy so heres how it works. Im going to show you two news stories, then you guys get to pick about which one we talk about. Ready . Here we go take a look at story number one. President trump names his new head of homeland security. Chad wolf will step into kevin mcaleenans role as the new acting dhs secretary jimmy okay heres story number two. Two men are facing charges for trying to get an alligator drunk. [ laughter ] jimmy all right, so which story do you want to talk about, one or two . Audience two jimmy thats a good choice all right here we go thats right two guys got arrested for giving beer to an alligator. They would have gotten away with it if the gator didnt run a red light on his way home. [ light laughter ] all right, here we go. When asked for a comment, the gator was like, dilly, dilly. [ laughter ] all right. Lets do another pair of stories. Once again, you guys get to pick heres story number one. The number of jobs created by the u. S. Economy in the month of october comes in at 128,000. That far outweighs the analyst estimates. Jimmy all right. [ light laughter ] heres story number two. Three alleged drug smugglers were rescued from the pacific ocean. After they were found using their cocaine packs as floaties [ laughter ] jimmy okay which story do you want to talk about, one or two . Audience two jimmy great choice, thank you. Thats right, three drug smugglers were using cocaine as floaties it was crazy the rescue helicopter didnt drop a rope. They just jumped up to it. [ laughter ] all right. Let do one last batch. Its your choice heres story number one. The pentagon picked microsoft over amazon for a massive government contract worth 10 billion. [ light laughter ] jimmy heres story number two. Police recovered a stolen ring from a unique hiding spot turns out it was hidden in one of the suspects butts [ light laughter ] jimmy all right. Which story do you [ laughter ] which story do you want to talk about, one or two . Audience two jimmy another great choice thats right, a guy stole a 100,000 ring then hid it up, you know, butt it got weird when his colon was like, yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes [ laughter and applause guys, that was you pick the joke. We have a great show give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much, everybody. Hello. Hey, guys, just a reminder to tune in thursday night the tonight show is going back to college. Were partnering with samsung for a very special show from the campus of the university of texas at austin. Steve oh [ cheers and applause Jimmy Matthew mcconaughey will be our guest. Chip and Joanna Gaines will be there. And weve got music from gucci mane steve whoa [ cheers and applause jimmy that is all happening thursday night so get ready, texas. The tonight show is coming to town i cant wait its going to be fun [ cheers and applause but first, we have a great show tonight. And, you know, i love this guy so much. Hes one of my favorite humans of all time. He stars in the film uncut gems and hes phenomenal and hes getting crazy great reviews. Its a drama and he hes just amazing hes in the whole movie. Its all him he just runs away with it. Hes so great. Adam sandler is here tonight [ cheers and applause plus, very funny, i love her her netflix special stage fright is streaming now and her new book little weirds is out today jenny slate is here. Steve yeah, come on. [ cheers and applause jimmy little weirds. And we have great standup from the very funny megan gailey, everybody. Look at that [ cheers and applause my dad my dad paid for this. Its on itunes guys, you ever see a photo in the news and think, oh, the headline could be much better . Ill show you what i mean. Its time for news and improved. [ cheers and applause news and improved jimmy for example, check out this first photo the original headline was, trump highlights Foreign Policy wins. The headline can definitely be improved, because if you only looked at the photo, the headline could have been, whole meeting held up because no one can turn on the projector. [ laughter and applause harder than it looks what button do you press check out this next photo. The original headline was, giuliani named Cyber Security adviser. If you only looked at the photo, the headline could have been, after four tries, man no closer to correctly spelling necessary. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause nec next headline was, warren releases medicare plan. Headline could have been, mom tells kids when she says, get in the house now, she means now [ cheers and applause this next headline was, romney pushes new plan. Headline could have been, coworkers discuss when boss threatened to fire everyone at the meeting while his fly was down. [ laughter and applause hard not to laugh at that. Up next this headline says, bolton asked to testify. Headline could have been, dad tries on 40 pairs of reading glasses before going with the first pair he tried. [ laughter and applause steve true jimmy these are lighter. Next headline was, biden campaigns in iowa. Headline could have been, man fairly certain he parked in section 6f, but doesnt see antenna with golf ball. [ laughter and applause steve it is somewhere. Jimmy this headline was, Boris Johnson misses brexit deadline. Headline could have been, Augustus Gloop files complaint against chocolate factory. [ laughter and applause steve im suing. Jimmy next headline was, sessions considers senate seat. Headline could have been, sneaky boy notices mommy left the treats on the counter where he could reach them. [ laughter and applause steve im gonna have me a snack. Oh its a bitohoney [ light laughter ] jimmy sneaky boy finally, this headline was, Bernie Sanders rises in polls. Headline could have been, last runner finally reaches finish line of new york city marathon. [ laughter and applause thats all the time we have for news and improved. Well be right back with adam sandler, everybody [ cheers and applause finally a little quiet time, huh . Oh my goodness. I love you, yes its true theres no one else id choose this may not completely rhyme but id be totally lost without you. Save on a gift that says it all. Jared introducing new Vicks Vapopatch easy to wear with soothing vicks vapors for her, for you, for the whole family. New Vicks Vapopatch. Breathe easy. Wrap up your Holiday Shopping with the bat jcpenney z out sale for 5 days only shop nike and adidas. Keurig and nutribullet. And up to 80 off jewelry. Or take an extra 20 off with your jcpenney credit card jcpenney kerrygold has a taste so rich it can take you to irelands lush, green pastures. Where grassfed cows produce rich, creamy milk for a truly delicious taste. Kerrygold. The taste that takes you there. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is one of the biggest stars on the planet he is starring in the film uncut gems, which opens on december 13th. Please, give it up for one of my favorite people, mr. Adam sandler [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Thank you so much jimmy adam sandler [ cheers and applause thanks, guys. Whats up . That felt nice jimmy they love you. They love you, buddy love it jimmy i got to say, congrats on this film, uncut gems. Thank you, pal. Jimmy this its unbelievable its getting insane reviews. Sandlers supernova presence radiates, variety yes jimmy some say, its a hell of a part and sandler aces it. A career high. I mean, theres its getting oscar buzz and yeah. Jimmy hows that feel . I want to ask you, like, are you, like, did you ever think you would get oscar buzz no. [ laughter ] no, no, no i think when i was young, i thought Billy Madison or something had a shot [ laughter ] and then i but they they took that away from me so i stopped dreaming. Yeah jimmy yeah who the directors are the Safdie Brothers. Safdie brothers two great guys josh and bennie. Man, are they good jimmy god, this i saw their movie good time. Yeah, yes jimmy with Robert Pattison and i just saw that movie. And i go, ooh. And it put a knot in my stomach. Oh, me too. Me too jimmy so i was excited that you were working with these guys yeah. Jimmy and doing a dramatic roll so i was sitting here. This is a true story i was talking to lorne yeah. Jimmy Lorne Michaels who yes jimmy and he says, im going to go see adams movie. Right, right. Jimmy some big film new york Film Festival thing youre a part of this Film Festival so i go, great. Ill go. I go, i have a double taping. Itll be great. He goes, all right, ill see you there. I go, no problem. You going . I go, yeah, cant wait. I go, you waiting for me . He goes, no, ill meet you there. Okay, great. So he goes lorne goes ahead of me i do i double tape the show that night i get in the car i go down to lincoln center. Go down this big theater, i go down someone brings me down open the doors giant theater full of people and i look for lorne they i see lornes in the middle of the row with chris rock and ben stiller yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] he jimmy no room for me no seat saved at all [ laughter ] nothing. I go, what guy, i mean, didnt we have a thing i mean, whats going on . So i go, hey, whats up. And then i go, all right, i guess ill just sit. So i sat at the end of the row by myself. Yes, yeah [ laughter ] jimmy and so i was there next to woman. Yeah. Jimmy and i said, hi, nice to see you im very excited about this. Im a big so im, like, getting ready for the small talking [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah yeah. Jimmy so then the movies about to start the lights go down a little bit. And this woman stands up and she leaves theres an empty seat. And who sits in the seat next to me . Adam sandler thats right, baby. [ cheers and applause i saw you. I saw you. Jimmy the sand man the sand man came in i saw that his little heartbroken eyes, but nobody loves me [ laughter ] and daddy showed up. And then can i tell them what you did to me jimmy yeah, sure the he pulled the popcorn trick on me. [ laughter ] i couldnt believe it. Jimmy, when you jimmy no, no, no, no and it was the best popcorn ive ever eaten in my life jimmy but it no how was i as the seat mate as a seat mate, how was i though cause i you were the best guy to watch this movie with. By the way, you know jimmys enthusiasm is incredible and he if you sit next to jimmy, and you have a movie coming out, he is the proper man to make you think that you did a great job. [ laughter ] you were so this movie is very, like, it gets you a little upset and youre nervous throughout the thing. Jimmy was so nervous and so excited. And every line i said, im watching the movie you know, i dont love watching myself but jimmy would grab me and be like, oh, my god, i loved that. And id be like, yeah, yeah thats right that was good, wasnt it . [ laughter ] yeah, you made me feel top there, buddy ji