Trees. [ laughter ] thats right President Trump has fired National Security adviser john bolton and you have to appreciate the irony of john bolton being taken out by a preemptive strike. [ light laughter ] so National Security adviser john bolton is out no word yet on what he plans to do next. Oh, man, the patriots . [ laughter ] President Trump and Vice President mike pence held a rally in North Carolina last night ahead of the states special Congressional Election though do you really need pence to pump up a crowd when you already have trump having trump and pence at a rally is like having the rock and Malcolm Gladwell help you move i think the rock can handle it at a Campaign Rally in North Carolina, yesterday, President Trump said the democrats are, quote, not big believers in religion. Before adding, unlike me, who loves whats his name you know, the boy who was born on christmas, in a trash can or whatever [ laughter and applause what was it . You know who im talking about [ cheers and applause jeekus. [ laughter ] according to a new survey, 34 of parents say their pet is their favorite child [ light laughter ] and the survey wasnt anonymous. [ laughter ] its the 25th anniversary of the tv show friends. And in response [ cheers and applause yeah yeah, a thing got old. And in response, the New York Times ran an article this weekend titled why friends wont get rebooted but we think they should reboot and it and they should update it for 2019 here are a few episodes we think they might want to consider. The one where everyone finds out joey voted for trump [ laughter and applause the one where marcel the monkey gets me tood. [ laughter ] the one where everyone finds out phoebe is not vaccinated [ laughter ] the one where Chandler Bing changes his name to Chandler Google [ laughter ] the one where phoebe accidentally qualifies for the democratic debate. [ laughter ] the one where ross grows a man bun. [ laughter ] the one where theres a blackout so they all stay in and try fentanyl [ laughter ] the one where ross accidentally tweets a [ bleep ] pic [ laughter ] and finally, the one where they suddenly have to pay an appropriate rent for their apartment. [ laughter ] this has been friends episodes for 2019 [ cheers and applause in an effort to improve its reputation, Spirit Airlines yesterday unveiled new seats that will be available to customers in november. And i think it will help because the new seats are on United Airlines [ laughter ] thats right Spirit Airlines has unveiled new seats that will be unveiled in november in the meantime, passengers are advised to hang on to the straps [ laughter ] apple, today held an event to unveil the iphone 11 which will come in black, white, yellow, green, purple and red. Coincidentally, those are the same colors that racist people say they dont care if you are [ laughter ] and finally, mcdonalds locations in philadelphia will be selling shamrock shakes this month to celebrate the start of the Philadelphia Eagles football season while mcdonalds locations in new york will be selling burgers that fell on the ground to celebrate the jets [ laughter and applause ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight he is a hall of fame tennis player and was a commentator at this years u. S. Open. John mcenroe is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause she is starring in the upcoming powerful new netflix series, unbelievable. Toni collette is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause and back to perform on the show, we will have music from one of my favorite bands. The hold steady is here, everyone [ cheers and applause so, its a great night before we get to all of our fantastic guests, here at late night, every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight, white male would be difficult for me to deliver. We dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so wed like to share them with you now in a segment called jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause seth these are two of our writers, amber and jenny im black and im gay and were both women. Seth and im not so heres how this works i will read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here we go two male penguins in the berlin zoo have adopted an abandoned egg. While two lesbian penguins opened an independent book store. [ laughter ] seth fast food chain popeyes recently began selling their first ever chicken sandwich its too spicy, said white people, about the bun. [ laughter ] seth North Carolina recently banned state funding for gay conversion therapy because research has proven you cant turn someone straight. But you can turn them gay by showing them womens soccer. [ laughter ] seth jenny, tell me why do lesbians like soccer we like anything that lets us keep our hands free. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] seth oh, oh. Okay according to a recent article, d. C. Comics is planning to introduce a black batman black batman is like regular batman except he only responds to the wutang symbol. [ laughter ] seth a microbiologist has found that mens beards contain bacteria similar to those found in fecal matter. Even worse, they contain men. [ laughter ] seth hey that joke offends me why youve never had a beard seth neither have you. Yes, i have i took him to prom and his name was mike seth oh. [ light laughter ] in a recent study, scientists have figured out why there are so many black squirrels in the u. S. It turns out they were brought here against their will to prop up the Economic System set up by white squirrels. [ laughter ] you can learn more about it in the film 12 years a squirrel [ laughter ] seth sorry, did you think that joke was going to work . Much like the people who organized the slave trade, i didnt really put a lot of thought into the consequences. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] a lesbian couple recently surprised a broadway audience by getting married on stage at the end of the show. The couple had met at intermission [ laughter ] seth i dont get it. Lesbians commit really quickly. Hey, jenny, how quickly do lesbians commit . Lesbians commit so quickly, their second date is at a fertility clinic oh lesbians commit so quickly, third base is signing a lease. Oh lesbians commit so quickly, when you get a girls a number in a bar, you put it in your phone as fiance. Oh [ light laughter ] seth lesbians commit quickly, guys. [ cheers and applause kansas city recently celebrated its first black restaurant week. A black restaurant is like a White Restaurant except youll eat what i give you. [ laughter ] seth hey, amber, do you have a favorite black restaurant . I do. Seth will you bring me sometime why you want to go somewhere where no one has ever heard of you [ laughter ] [ audience oohs hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no, i couldnt come on, just one seth i feel like it wont end well oh, come on do it seth okay. If you guys tell me it will be okay i trust you both the north l. A. Gay and lesbian Film Festival opened last week and if theres one thing lesbians love, its an opening [ laughter ] [ audience oohs how dare you seth you told me it would be okay you should be ashamed of yourself seth black women and lesbians are liars [ cheers and applause well be right back with john mcenroe, everybody. [ cheers and applause tremfya® helps adults with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis uncover clearer skin that can last. In fact, tremfya® was proven superior to humira® in providing significantly clearer skin. Tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms or if you had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Tremfya®. Uncover clearer skin that can last. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. mom, whispering shh, shh, shhh. Thank you associate, whispering hey, youre all set. mom, shouting really . 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But one thing we could both agree on was getting geico to help with our renters insurance. Yeah, switching and saving was really easy drink it all up. Good could have used a little salt. Visit geico. Com and see how easy saving on renters insurance can be. [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause back with us tonight on drums, shes a multigrammy awardwinning artist and founder of the Berkeley Institute of jazz and gender justice be sure to check out waiting grame waiting game, excuse me, her forthcoming album with her band social science, which comes out november 8th Terri Lyne Carrington, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you so much for being here, terri. Seth our first guest tonight is the legendary tennis player and seventime grand slam singles champion who just served as a commentator for espn at the 2019 u. S. Open please welcome to the show, john mcenroe, everyone [ cheers and applause seth how are you i am exhilarated to be here seth i thank you very much right exhausted a little bit from the last couple weeks. But it ended with a blast. I mean, it was amazing match in the final. Seth well and serena got to the final so that was good seth it was a great u. S. Open its obviously very exciting to have tennis in new york city you mentioned both exhilaration and exhaustion and i feel like that must have been what it felt like sunday night with a fivehour mens final. You were in the booth with your brother, patrick yes seth do you ever did you feel an exhaustion setting in on yourself or did you feel the excitement of the match i have if you get exhausted watching two guys battle like that, theres something wrong with you [ laughter ] seth yeah. Youre a little sick in the head seth yeah. And for us, you know, the men, to go at it like that i mean, i played matches a couple matches longer than that, so i get it. And i respect it so i was having a great time we know there is a tie breaker in the fifth set so it could only go another 20, 30 minutes [ light laughter ] whats another halfhour so it was it ended great. Seth and what do you feel like the energy in new york city for a match like that is different than any other place where you have a major final like this . Without question. Did anyone see the final [ cheers and applause i was lucky enough to be part of five u. S. Open finals. And that may have been one of the loudest, if not the loudest, when this, you know, medvedev, this russian guy, came back and took it to a fifth set so it inspires the players, obviously. Its absolutely incredible we need a shot in the arm for our sport. We the women are doing well but, you know, the men thank you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause i do have four daughters and two boys so i you know, how much it means now that the Playing Field is more level in womens game in our sport than any other sport you know, you talked about ive heard that soccer joke. Seth yeah. That was just the previous seth yeah, yeah. Basketball. Theres no football. You know, theyre getting paid 1 20, 1 50 what the men do in tennis, exactly the same. Equal prize money. [ cheers and applause seth what if you were its absolutely true and its exactly as exciting going into the finals. And there were two Great Stories this year. You mentioned the men needed a shot in the arm. What do you think it is thats lacking right now for the mens game well, i think our best athletes have the tendency to play american football and basketball, obviously. So we have we need to do a better job giving more kids the opportunity to play. Its too expensive you know, i have Tennis Academy at randalls island. I try to raise money with the charity. Get as many kids as possible its got to be a cool factor too. I think we had that a bit in the 70s and 80s when i was playing. Not just because i was playing [ laughter ] seth yeah, well, but lets be honest, yeah. Well, one thing we were talking about earlier today, knowing you were coming on the show, you know, i feel like the prime of a tennis player in the 70s was a lot shorter than it is now you know, it just seems like the way health and fitness has changed. The way even equipment has changed. For a shorter period of time that guys in the 70s were playing, you had such a huge impact on the game and i do feel like there was a huge cool factor to what you were all doing i think we were the doing the problem we were doing we were performance detracting drugs. [ laughter ] seth yeah, yeah, performance yeah, nothing you were doing made you better at tennis. We tried to burn a candle at both ends. And, you know, it works for a while. But it catches up to you a little sooner. These guys are incredible. They got great teams people understand how to recover quicker, et cetera but that was a great time in tennis there was a lot of personality you need that in a one on one sport. Thats why people gravitate toward this medvedev guy seth yeah. He embraced being the bad guy, which is something that i sort of wish djokovic would do a little bit more of seth yeah. Play the villain. We need a villain. I know nothing about being a villain. [ laughter ] seth yeah. But, you know, he and people, the fans got behind him at the end seth you of course you were you were literally the fact that you were known for a little bit of bad behavior was it ever [ laughter ] just a little bit seth was it genuinely that you were losing a temper you couldnt control or was there some gamesmanship to it . Was it a strategy to getting in the head of your opponent by losing your temper with, say, the judge . Well, if it all it takes to get in the head of an opponent is you getting telling a judge that he sucks, okay seth yeah. What are the odds of the umpire giving me the next call i mean, if he tells this guy hes a bum, you know, the next hes going to go, ill show that mcenroe. So, to me, that was sour grapes if thats all it took. Seth right, right. With all the goes and on like, say in a Football Game on sunday, you think theyre saying, hello, how are you, on the field . Or basketball . Theres a lot of trash talking we used to do more of that id like to see a little bit more in the tennis [ laughter ] seth so there was genuine trash talk of course, one of your rivals bjorn borg, there you are there. And he is genuinely a dear friend of yours now, yes i love him. Hopefully, he loves me hes probably hes probably the only guy that i didnt have problems with on the court seth oh, so you never had an issue with him we never had a problem. He took me, you know, under his wing in a way. And i got respect because of that cause he was already, like, a god. You know, he was like federrer at the time. You know, everyone loved him and he was this great looking guy. Dressed right, the girls loved him. So i was like, i want to be like him. [ laughter ] seth and he was the only guy who was nice to you. Do you feel like that means he was a good judge of character . Or just a bad judge . [ laughter ] was it a blind spot that he was like, i like this mcenroe kid . What do you think [ laughter ] seth so the first time you go to wimbledon, is it are you 17 years old are you i was 18. Seth 18 years old. The first time i went yeah seth and you talked about how guys have great teams now. And theres you know, nutrition has, obviously, advanced so much but what was it like the tour did not take care of you in the same way then no. Seth as it does now you know, it was an incredible time in england in the 70s you know, punk was breaking out. People were getting on me. You know, i it was like oil and water. Me, a new york kid i mean, youre screaming and yelling all the time people are, you know they give you their opinion, right . Seth yeah. Over there theyre much more reserved theyre very proper. I was like, whats wrong with these people . [ laughter ] seth yeah. You know, theyre so well behaved here and so, you know, we clashed right away but i got a lot of support i got to say, like, if you walked down the equivalent of, well, i dont know what street you can kings road in london. It would be lexington. I dont know seth yeah. And they got a lot of support. There was, like, some freaky people around. But they were supportive the establishment in the papers which were owned by Rupert Murdoch you may know him seth yeah. [ light laughter ] they were giving me a very hard time. And theres a lot more newspapers in london than there are here there was 15 local papers. So that makes it where theyre looking to get you seth did you were you somebody that you know, youre 18 years old. And you were suppose to your first run to, i think, the semifinals semifinals. Seth so that was kind of unexpected, right . You were actually supposed to be there to play in the juniors right seth you ended up going on a sort of unexpected run were you somebody then who would read the paper i mean, youre in london having this incredible run. Youre 18 years old. Initially, i read it. I thought it was the funniest thing ever i thought these people dont get it whats their problem im the one out there. You know, how why are they reac