That i in my great and unmatched wisdom consider to be off limits, i will totally destroy and obliterate the economy of turkey. [ laughter ] that would be reassuring if you ever considered anything off limits [ laughter ] you had sex with a porn star, you partied with Jeffrey Epstein and you drive your golf cart on the green. [ laughter ] the only way youll stop turkey is if they try to get your tax returns. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause obliterate, obliterate. President trump reportedly told House Republicans on a private call yesterday that impeachment is a, quote, bad thing to have on your resume. [ laughter ] dude, do you really think your next jobs gonna require a resume wow, it says here you were president of the United States [ laughter ] we really like the see that kind of ambition at kinkos. [ laughter ] lawyers for the whistleblower responsible for the initial complaint about President Trumps contact with ukraine revealed this weekend that they are now representing multiple clients raising issue with the call okay, how many people were on this call . This thing is starting to sound like an aol chat room. [ laughter ] hello age, sex, location and dirt on joe biden. [ laughter ] pope francis held a meeting yesterday discussing whether the Catholic Church should lift its celibacy requirement for priests. Said francis, all in favor raise your free hand. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] im okay with it happy birthday to reality tv judge simon cowell who turned either 48 or 70 . [ laughter and applause no way to know i dont know officials in North Carolina have announced that a recent outbreak of legionnaires disease was most likely caused by a hot tubs at the state fair. So if you got into a hot tub at a state fair, legionnaires is probably the least of your worries. [ laughter ] krispy kreme is coming out with three halloween themed donuts that theyre calling the monster batch. While dunkin is going a step farther and selling donuts made 100 years ago tonight [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause tourism officials have announced that visitors can now go inside of the infamous reactor control room responsible for the 1986 Chernobyl Nuclear disaster. And youll get a souvenir, eventually [ laughter ] [ audience oohs really shifting it up on you guys tonight [ laughter ] according to a new report, china has added more than 100 tons of gold to its reserve since december 100 tons of gold, or as trump calls it, home [ laughter and applause the makers of barbie dolls have announced that this years barbie career of the year doll is judge barbie. Said trump, put the blond one on the supreme court. [ laughter ] and finally, instagram this week will be removing the ability to see the recent like and comment history of other users meanwhile, facebook is going to start posting your credit card numbers and home address [ laughter and applause ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause you know him from Stranger Things on netflix and hell be hosting saturday night live this weekend David Harbour is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause he is the star of nbcs New Amsterdam now in its Second Season ryan eggold is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause so happy hes back and we will have music from grammy winner Lauren Daigle. So, youre here on a great night. [ cheers and applause before we get to all of our wonderful guests, every day more evidence emerges in the impeachment inquiry into President Trump including damning new Text Messages. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth as youll recall, this all started when we found out that on an official phone call, the president dangled hundreds of millions of dollars in military aid to ukraine and in return asked the president of ukraine to gin up politically motivated investigations by telling him, quote, i would like you to do us a favor. Now, we already have the notes from the call on a whistleblowers account that was deemed credible and urgent, but over the weekend, things got even worse for trump when a second whistleblower came forward. This morning, more breaking news abc news has learned that the legal team representing the first whistleblower is now representing a second whistleblower. Attorney mark zaid told me that this second whistleblower is a member of the Intelligence Community with first hand information on some of the allegations at issue seth i gotta say im shocked there are only two whistleblowers [ light laughter ] i mean, you could blow the whistle on this guy constantlily hes like a Soccer Player who runs down length of the field with a ball in his hands and then just throws it into the net. [ laughter and applause what do you mean . Offsides was i offsides . Now, trump and many republicans have tried a few different arguments to defend his behavior and none of them have been convincing first, they argued that there was no illegal quid pro quo because trump literally did not stay words quid pro quo on the phone call the president didnt do a darn thing wrong when you look at that conversation there is no threat theres no quid pro quo. There is no quid pro quo. No demand. No pressure. No threat. His claims are bogus. There was no quid pro quo. The transcript comes out and there is no quid pro quo i have zero problems with this phone call. There is no quid pro quo there was no threat there was no quid pro quo in this call. There was no quid pro quo there was nothing. There was no quid pro quo. At all if you remember at the beginning, it was quid pro quo seth okay. First of all, just the way he says it, you know he has no idea what it means. [ laughter ] he says the words quid pro quo the way you read a subway map in a foreign country. [ laughter ] el traino, per laro, portal honey i think its this one. This uno. [ laughter ] second, you dont need to literally say the words quid pro quo for it to be a quid pro quo. It can be a crime even if you dont stay name of the crime while youre doing it. [ light laughter ] you can still be bust for buying weed even if you dont say, hello, im interested in possession of cannabis, please. [ light laughter ] how much do you want . Well, my intend is to distribute. [ laughter ] but dont take it from me. Take it from republican senator Lindsey Graham who said this about bill clintons impeachment in 1999. He doesnt to have say, go lie for me, to be a crime you dont have to say, lets obstruct justice, for be for it to be a crime you judge people on their conduct, not magic phrases seth of course, if we did judge trump on magic phrases, thatd work too, because he says quid pro quo like hes casting a spell at hogwarts. [ laughter ] quid pro quo look look, everyone [ cheers and applause i just turned my bat into a lawyer [ laughter ] not all the way but close. Not only was this obviously a quid pro quo, but it turns out trump was basically dragging as many as countries as he could into his political crusade to investigate joe biden and prove that the russia investigation was somehow a deep state witch hunt orchestrated by the democrats. As we found out last week, he also involved australia, italy and the u. K. In his personal political crusade. In fact, he specifically asked the u. K. For help after they got their new Prime MinisterBoris Johnson who has been very friendly to jump i mean, look at these two. [ light laughter ] this looks like an audition room where two less good looking actors are about to lose out on a role to nick nolte [ laughter and applause you also here for prince of tides . Yeah, me, too. I didnt learn any lines im just going to make stuff up. [ light laughter ] whoa, these tides today, huh [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] a lot of tide, yeah. Who is in this movie Barbra Streisand [ lauger and applause im never going to get it now. [ laughter ] then last week, of course, after involving russia, ukraine, italy, australia and the u. K. To his personal political vendettas, trump just confessed on tv, and for the hell of it, he threw china in there, too what exactly did you hope zelensky would do about the bidens after your phone call . Well, i would think that if they were honest about it, theyd start a Major Investigation into the bidens. Its a very simple answer. They should investigate the bidens likewise, china should start an investigation into the bidens. Seth so, now hes asking china, too at this point, it would be easier for cable news shows to tell us which countries trump hasnt tried to extort [ laughter and applause now, republicans republicans first tried to argue there was no illegal quid pro quo. But now that hes literally said the crime out loud on tv, you might be asking yourself, how could they possibly defend him well, republicans have come oup with a new defense that he was just joking. Are you comfortable with what the president has said here in this call for foreign governments, ukraine and china to investigate his political opponent well, i doubt if the china comment was serious, to tell you the truth. The president loves to go out on the white house driveway i havent talked to him about this that i dont know what the president was thinking, but i knew he loves to bait the press. Do you think its appropriate for President Trump to ask china and ukraine to investigate joe biden . George, do you really think he was serious about thinking that china is gonna investigate the biden family i dont know if thats a real request or him just needling the press knowing that you guys are gonna get outraged by it i think he did it to provoke you to ask me and others and get outraged by it seth yeah, but come on, hes the president. We have to take his word seriously. Its not his job to outrage people youre talking about him like hes shock jock with a morning radio show [ light laughter ] if you ask me, china should investigate biden. [ siren whailing ] and oh, you know what that sound means. Its time for the wolf pack to call in with your sex questions. [ wolves howling ] yeah and remember, whoever has the dirtiest question wins two free tickets to tonights monster truck show. [ engines reving ] [ air horn ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause of course, everyone knew what trump was doing when he was doing it the president mysteriously suspended hundreds of millions of dollairs in military aid that ukraine desperately needed and then he asked the president of ukraine to do us a favor by investigating a political rival. At the same time, his personal lawyer was going around telling reporters, were meddling in an investigation. Theres nothing illegal about it someone could say its improper. [ light laughter ] somebody, how about everybody . I mean, even the president of finland when he met with trump last week was like, get your crime hand away from me. [ laughter and applause then then, on top of the facts we already had, last week, we got newly, unearthed Text Messages form state Department Officials, in which they made it very cheer that they also knew exactly what was going on. Now as we established, rudy giuliani, the president s personal lawyer, who is in no way a government official, was basically acting as the middle man between trump and ukraine on all of this. Which right off the bat is a terrible choice. I mean, thats like if youre putting together a oceans 11 style team for your bank heist, and you chose as your computer expert, Frank Costanza [ laughter ] although, hed still probably be better than rudy at giving trump legal advice there was no quid pro quo you dont know what the hell youre doing [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause seth now, rudy has repeatedly insisted he was acting on orders from the state department and even going so far as to go on fox news and show them phone calls and Text Messages from one state Department Official. In particular named kurt volker. You didnt get involved on this on your own did our state Department Ask you to go on a mission for them . They did. You know who i did it at the request of the state department its all here. Right here [ light laughter ] the first call from the state department i went to meet mr. Zelenskys aid at the request of the state department heres kurt saying, great, i will yermak and hell visit with you there, thanks. Mr. Mayor, how was your meeting with andre do you have time for a call . Best, kurt. Seth man, you know youre a bad criminal when you keep the evidence against you on multiple devices. [ light laughter ] weve got a phone, an ipad whats next . Alexa, what is it called when you ask someone to do a favor for you in exchange for money . Its called a quid pro quo. Seth damnit [ cheers and applause now, rudy pointed the blame directly at the state department so naturally, democrats called volker, the former state Department Official to testify last week and he revealed to them some incredibly damning Text Messages that made it cheer that people at the state department knew exactly what was happening at the time. In one text, volker told the ukranian official that a meeting with trump was basically contingent on the ukranian presidnet doing the investigation trump wanted from kurt volker to ukranian president ial advisor, andre yermak and it says, good lunch, thanks heard from white house assuming presidnent z convinces trump he will investigate. Get to the bottom of what happened in 2016 we will nail down date for visit to washington. Good luck. See you tomorrow, kurt seth they wrote it all down. Its all right there he even signs his name and says see you tomorrow, kurt. [ laughter ] its so weird. Its like if you left a ransom note cut out from magazine letters that said, give us the money, or youll never see your son again. Have a great weekend kurt the kidnapper. [ laughter and applause but the Text Messages get even more Text Messages get even more explosive for example, there is an exchange between two state Department Officials where one of them expresses concern about whats going on, and the other one realizes they should not be texting about this at all. On september 1st, the top u. S. Diplomat in ukraine, bill taylor text the u. S. Ambassador to e. U. Gordon sondland and writes this. Are we now saying that Security Assistance and white house meetings are conditioned on investigations . Sondland says, call me. [ laughter ] seth damn. Any time you text someone and they respond by saying, call me, it is not good. [ laughter ] if you text a date, looking forward to tonight, and they text back, call me, that date is not happening [ laughter ] the only thing worse is seeing those three bubbles come up for a while as you just wait for your response. Like, i can see you typing. Are you still typing how long is this message are we committing a crime . Oh, no [ laughter and applause oh, no, it is a crime. So now the second whistleblower coming forward and all this new evidence is coming out, trumps looking for a fall guy and since hes a political mastermind who apparently is an expert in manipulating the press, he looked around and found the perfect guy. The guy everyone would believe was responsible for all of this. Energy secretary rick perry. President trump has a new defense for his july 25th phone call to the president of ukraine that is at the center of House Democrats impeachment inquiry. Trump told House Republicans friday that he was urged to make the call by Energy Secretary rick perry sources say trump suggested it was a call he didnt even want to make. Seth thats right. Trump wants us to us believe the master mind behind all this was rick perry im sorry, but people are not gonna believe rick perry is the brains behind all this, because what because he wears glasses but dont take it from me. Take it from this guy. I see rick perry the other day. He put glasses on so people will think hes smart [ laughter ] and it just doesnt work you know, people can see through the glasses. Seth trump probably forgot he said that, then saw rick perry one day and said, that guy must be smart. He wears glasses. All the evidence is right in front of us. The president used his office and the entirety of American Foreign policy to pursue his personal Political Goals and people knew at the time that it was an obviously corrupt abuse of power so republicans, if youre confused about any of this, ill say it very slowly this was a quid pro quo. Seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause well be right bk with more late night. 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