That both ukraine and china should investigate the biden family oh, what happened to doing your crimes in private . [ laughter ] trumps like a mobster who instead of throwing a body in the trunk, throws it in the passenger seat so he can use the carpool lane [ laughter ] according [ applause ] according to a new poll, 45 of americans now support impeaching President Trump, including a major increase in white men age 60 to 61 [ cheers and applause according to the Washington Post, President Trump has privately suggested that u. S forces form a human wall to prevent people from crossing the border [ laughter ] i dont want to say the president is a child, but his immigration policy is literally red rover, red rover [ laughter ] send nobody over nobody. [ cheers and applause according to a new poll, senator Elizabeth Warren is trailing former Vice President joe biden in ohio by two points, but that could change as soon as biden accidentally calls it idaho. [ laughter and applause cnn announced today it will not air mpaignd for trump 2020 though they will keep airing this ad for trump 20 to life [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause the New York Times has published an article about the advanced age of the top three Democratic Candidates entitled is age only a number even when youre running for president . [ light laughter ] and this cant be a good sign, all three cut out the article to read later [ laughter and applause [ laughter ] according to reports, Actress Lori Loughlin is pitching a prison tellall book about her likely jail sentence related to the College Admissions scandal said loughlin, okay, heres the h iay you 150,000 and you write the book for me. [ laughter and applause president ial hopeful [ applause ] senator Kamala Harris is featured on the new cover of time magazine. Not to be outdone, joe biden is featured on the new cover of dont touch. [ audience oohs [ laughter ] President Trump yesterday claimed that the released transcript of his conversation with the president of ukraine is, quote, word for word, comma for comma, despite the white house previously saying it may contain inaccuracies not to mention trump thinks this is a comma [ laughter and applause and finally, last week, House Democrats announced that they will conduct a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump. And Many Americans dont know exactly what that means. Luckily, i saw a commercial last night that explains the impeachment process. Take a look. Gin oh. Oh i love our little get togethers. Well, you know what i dont love what . Not understanding everything thats going on with our country. Tell me about it. Like, for example, what exactly is an impeachment inquiry . Is it different from impeachment . Peach mint is my favorite kind of martini. [ laughter ] mine, too but an impeachment inquiry is when congress conducts an investigation to see if theres enough evidence of wrongdoing to warrant drawing up articles of impeachment. The first step in impeaching a president. Well, that clears everything up peach minttini, anyone . No,doesnt. Tell me more well, some representatives in congress think impeachment of the current president is justified, because hes committed a high crime and misdemeanor even if its not a violation of a criminal statute i love statues. My favorite is michelangelos the david. Huge wiener. [ laughter ] well, other members of congress think the constitution doesnt legally define a high crime. High crime. Is that like when you smoke reefer and vandalize a daycare guilty [ laughter ] no. So, what happens now . Its simple six house committees will investigate the allegations against the president and present their findings to the judiciary committee. Then hes out no. Then if theres enough evidence, the house will vote. Then hes out no. Then the president is impeached. Then hes out no. Then it moves to the senate. Then hes out no. Then the senate holds a trial. Then hes out yes yes but ugh [ laughter ] as long as the Senate Majority leader doesnt decide to dismiss the whole thing otherwise, hes not out. How do we ever get anyone out . Well, shes out [ laughter ] good. So how does the senate trial work well, at the trial the president s lawyers will defend him. The members of the senate will act as the jury and the whole things presided over bay Supreme Court justice. Like judge judy shes not a Supreme Court justice. Oh, no. Did she die . I dont know. How long does this whole dumb process take well, the last one took about ten months just like my pregnancy. Little albert did not want to come out can you blame him [ laughter ] then after that, will the president be removed from office the president is only removed from office if twothirds of the members present vote to convict. Im not allowed to vote because of all the daycare vandalism. [ light laughter ] shut up will the president be impeached or not i dont know. Well, i guess it all comes down to one thing congress. Judge judy. Oh, i hate you. [ laughter ] cheers. Announcer watch the bachelor. Its better than trying to understand this [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause seth we have a great show for you tonight. He is a legendary actor and the star of goliath, which returns for its third season tomorrow on Amazon Prime VideoBilly Bob Thornton is back, you guys [ cheers and applause she is a talented musician and actress who you can see in showtimes on becoming a god in Central Florida. Beth ditto is here [ cheers and applause and we will have music from lauv with annemarie. So youre here on a great night, everybody. Before we get to our guests, President Trump confessed on tv to the thing hes being investigated for, and on top of that, he managed to drag Vice President mike pence into it for more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth first, lets just remember the central issue at question here. Trump had a phone call with the president of ukraine, during which he dangled hundreds of millions of dollars in military aid, and in return asked him to dig up dirt on a political opponent, joe biden, by literally telling the president of ukraine i would like you to do us a favor. [ light laughter ] that is extortion and a flagrant abuse of power and as we said before, you never want to do trump a favor because then hell befriend you and then humiliate you on National Television i mean, yesterday, all the president of finland did was sit next to him in the oval office while trump descended into madness. And at one point when trump tried to get close to him by putting a hand on his leg, the president of finland literally had to swat him away [ laughter ] finland is the happiest country in the world finland is a happy country. What can you learn . [ laughter and applause seth that is that is like that is like when you get in a fight with your wife on the drive to a dinner party and then when you sit down, you try to act like it didnt happen but she wants you to know she hasnt forgotten. [ laughter ] isnt that right, honey . Get your hand off of me [ laughter ] we will talk about this when we get home. In fact, during that whole press conference, the president of finland was turning to the cameras and pleading for help like mr. Roper when mrs. Roper gets horny [ laughter ] now, as youll recall, trump has lashed out at accusations that he did anything wrong on the call with the president of ukraine, insisting there was no quid pro quo and that he did not pressure ukraine to investigate biden. There was no quid pro quo there was nothing. It was a perfect conversation. There was absolutely no pressure put on him there was no quid pro quo. At all there was no pressure. No nothing there was no pressure. That was not pressure. I know when i give pressure. And that was not pressure. Seth what does that mean, i know when i give pressure . [ laughter ] trumps only defense is i know when i commit a crime, and that was not a crime. Like if the cops knocked on your door and said, did you beat a guy to death with a tire iron, chop up his body with a chainsaw and throw his limbs into the river . And you said, i didnt chop him up, i know when i chop guys up. [ laughter ] you might also remember that in addition to the actual notes from the call, we also have the whistleblowers complaint, which has been deemed urgent and credible and alleged that the president pressured ukrainian president zelensky to initiate or continue an investigation into the activities of former Vice President joseph biden and his son, hunter biden. And even though weve literally seen the call notes, and trump has basically admitted to doing what the whistleblower alleges, he also keeps calling the whistleblower a liar and a spy. In fact, he even claimed that once House Speaker nancy pelosi saw the actual notes from the call, she changed her mind on impeachment. The whistleblower was so dishonest. The whistleblower said terrible things about the call and if you remember at the beginning, it was quid pro quo. Thats all you heard about and i think he said seven or eight times quid pro quo. In other words, youre going to do that, or were not going to give you money youre gonna do this, or were not gonna nancy pelosi called for essentially impeachment. Lets impeach the president , before she saw the transcript. So when she saw that, she was she i heard she went crazy. She said, we cant impeach him on this conversation thats a great conversation. [ laughter ] seth i guarantee you she did not say that [ laughter ] at this point, hes just writing fan fiction about nancy pelosi now. [ laughter ] nancy pelosi walked into her office and she read the transcript and said, we cant impeach him we cant impeach him on this conversation thats a great conversation. [ laughter ] and then she gazed out the window and had the same thought that had nagged her for years. [ laughter ] why hadnt she married someone as handsome as donald trump . [ laughter ] so, again, all of this [ cheers and applause all of this is confirmed by the call notes, themselves we already have all the evidence its all there in plain sight. But yesterday, a reporter tried to ask trump a simple question if you werent pressuring the president of ukraine to investigate joe biden, then what were you asking him to do . And instead of answering that question, trump got mad and told him to talk to the president of finland instead. Go ahead, ask a question. The question, sir, was what did you want president zelensky to do about Vice President biden and his son, hunter . Are you talking to me [ laughter ] yeah, it was just a followup of what i just asked you, sir. Listen, listen, are you ready . We have the president of finland. Ask him a question i have one for him. I just wanted to follow up on the one that i asked you which was did you hear me what did you want did you hear me ask him a question i will. Ive given you a long question ask this gentleman a question. Dont be rude. Seth hes like a teacher telling his class to listen to his guest speaker on career day. Look, i know kyles dad is boring because hes an accountant, but you got to ask him a question [ laughter ] kyles right there hes super upset about this. [ light laughter ] so to recap, trump said there was to pressure, no quid pro quo, the whistleblower was wrong, and he did not he did not ask the president of ukraine to investigate biden and then this morning, he told reporters on the white house lawn that he wanted ukraine to investigate joe biden. What exactly did you hope zelensky would do about the bidens after your phone call exactly . Well, i would think that if they were honest about it, they would start a Major Investigation into the bidens. Its a very simple answer. They should investigate the bidens i would say that president zelensky if it were me, i would recommend that they start an investigation into the bidens [ light laughter ] seth so so he just confessed, on tv after two weeks of lying and spinning, he just admitted to the crime hes accused of. He basically just blew the whistle on himself [ laughter and applause he should have a whistle just around his neck at all times ukraine should investigate joe biden. [ whistle [ laughter ] putin should find hillarys emails oh, blow the whistle [ whistle im going to release a sex tape. [ whistle [ laughter ] so trump has once again just outed himself as a criminal, but as we all know, when trump implodes, he doesnt just implode on his own he takes everyone else in the white house down with him. Trumps like a tornado you dont know when or where its going to touch down, but when it does, its going to suck up some cows, a few houses and maybe even a scarecrow and [ laughter ] were seeing the same thing happen in ukraine scandal that sparked the impeachment inquiry. For example, you might remember last week when, out of nowhere, trump dragged Vice President mike pence into his mess by telling the press that pence had also spoken with the president of ukraine and that they should look at pences phone calls, too. I think you should ask for v. P. Pences conversation because he had a couple of conversations, also. I could save you a lot of time they were all perfect. Nothing was mentioned of any import other than congratulations. But the word is that theyre going to ask for the first phone conversation you can have it any time you need it. And also mike pences conversations which were i think one or two of them they were perfect. Seth and let me just say, with all sincerity, no one deserves to be dragged down by donald trump more than mike pence although, pence [ cheers and applause this guy pence should have seen this coming, when trump tried to give him a godfather kiss at the rnc in 2016. [ laughter and applause come here, fredo. Come here, fredo. [ laughter and applause [ cheers and applause then after trump after trump dragged pence into his mess, youll never guess what happened. The Washington Post did some reporting, and it turns out pence also had a phone call with the president of ukraine where he discussed cutting off the hundreds of millions of dollars in military aid that trump had dangled as part of his quid pro quo. The Washington Post reports President Trump repeatedly involved Vice President pence in his plan to exert pressure on the new president of ukraine trump used the Vice President to inform the ukrainian leader that hundreds of millions of dollars in u. S. Aid was still being withheld seth well, mike pence, you cant be surprised that the ass[ bleep ] you pledged your loyalty to is now throwing you under the bus. This isnt a case of the carriage turning back into a pumpkin because hes always been a pumpkin. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause and on top of that on top of that, white house sources are clearly leaking to the Washington Post that pence was involved so they can dirty him up, too. I love imagining how this is all playing out. Pence coming home from a hard days work of trying to blend in with the background during meetings, flicking on the lights, and the house is empty except for trump, sitting there in the corner with his back turned oh. Hello, mike. Werent expecting me, were you oh, youre in trouble, mike. Its all [ light laughter ] its all here in this note i know what you did last summer because i did it, too. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause in fact, if you read if you read this Washington Post article, you can almost see line by line pences aides trying to claim hes innocent and white house aides claiming hes guilty pences aides, for example, say they didnt know anything about trumps efforts to pressure ukraines president to investigate biden. Officials close to pence insist he was unaware of trumps efforts to press zelensky for damaging information about biden and his son. All right, im sorry, but thats just insane. Of course pence knew about it. You think trump kept this a secret the guy cant keep his mouth shut about anything. He probably ran over to pences office immediately to tell him about it just like a kid who figured out how to type boobs on a calculator. [ laughter and applause mike, mike, look. Do you see, Mike Mike Mike mike mike [ laughter ] do you see . [ laughter ] so, obviously, pence knew what was going on just like trumps secretary of state mike pompeo, who was on this call and his attorney, general bill barr, who was named repeatedly during the call so now, because theyre all implicated and because they have no defense, theyre just threatening to block the impeachment inquiry altogether trumps calling it a treasonous coup, and Rudy Giuliani is actually threatening to sue congress for following the impeachment procedure laid out by the founders in the constitution and if youre wondering just how serious this lawsuit is, heres a real text Message Exchange rudy had with a reporter for the atlantic, who posted it to twitter on tuesday what are you planning to do next . Looking at a jawsuit to end lawless action. [ laughter ] who are you going to sue . The swamp trump v. The swamp. How do you sue the swamp . In federal court. You know its bad when jawsuit isnt even the stupidest part of the text message [ laughter and applause seriously, why are these guys so bad at spelling . Yesterday, trump spelled moat with two os. Rudy spelled lawsuit jawsuit in fact, if you showed up at court and told the judge you wanted to file a jawsuit against impeachment, they would call it moot and then dismiss it like the president of finland [ cheers and applause again, what happened here is very simple. The president extorted a foreign country to meddle in the 2020 election his staff tried to cover it up and then they got caught now hes admitting to it several of his most senior aides are involved