Privately asked aides for a cost estimate of ilding a waterfilled trench along the border that is filled with snakes and alligators. [ laughter ] or as he called it today, a moot. [ laughter ] i swear, trump has the only phone in the world with autoincorrect [ laughter ] thats right President Trump privately asked aides about building a waterfilled trench along the border filled with snakes and alligators sometimes, i think trump got his entire immigration policy from the back of an eighthgraders notebook [ laughter ] i want a trench full of alligators were going to need a big transparent cube and then, if theres money in the budget a cool s. [ laughter ] seriously, did trump fall asleep watching temple of doom again . Another another good i think i should always have a whip is that a good idea . [ laughter ] President Trump today wrongly attacked the Washington Post for a story about his Border Control proposals which was actually published in the New York Times. Oh, who cares which paper published it its a moat point. [ laughter and applause house intelligence chairman adam schiff this morning discussed the speed with which the impeachment inquiry of President Trump is moving, saying, quote, were not fooling around. Which is also what melania wrote in donalds last birthday card [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause President Trump attacked House Democrats last night tweeting, quote, i am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment. It is a coup. Said Rudy Giuliani, its true, all my friends ever say is coo. [ laughter ] due to an ongoing shortage, officials in india have banned the export of onions from the country. This news was first reported by an anonymous leek. [ laughter ] i stand by it. I stand by it. [ applause ] and finally, today is stings birthday, which just like him, only comes once a year [ audience oohs [ laughter and applause ladies and gentlemen, we got a great show for you tonight hes a very funny writer, actor, and comedian whose animated Netflix Series big mouth returns for a third season this friday nick kroll [ cheers and applause is back everybody. You can see her in the highly anticipated new film joker, out this weekend zazie beetz is back, you guys and she represents californias 45th Congressional District in the u. S. House of representatives. Representative katie porter is here tonight so its a good show. [ cheers and applause before we get to our wonderful guests, President Trump wanted to dig a trench on the southern border and fill it with alligators and snakes, and then, he lost his mind in a series of press conferences about impeachment. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause seth i dont think it would surprise you if i said that some very weird stuff has been going on in the past few weeks i mean, weird stuffs been going on for four years, ever since the famously stupid Game Show Host came down the escalator and forced his way into our hearts like a stubborn piece of bacon fat. [ light laughter ] but, the last two weeks in particular have felt like that scene from ghostbusters where the epa guy opens up the containment system and ghosts just start pouring out into the city [ light laughter ] in fact, im pretty sure i saw the zombie cab driver on tv defending the president the other day. [ laughter and applause even putting aside even putting aside all the recent revelations about trump colluding with foreign governments, we keep learning new details about just how corrupt, lawless and out of his mind he is for example, a new book reports that trump wanted to inflict horrific violence on desperate migrants seeking asylum, offer pardons to officials who broke the law to build his border wall and had some truly insane ideas for how to fortify that wall the New York Times is reporting new details about ideas President Trump has for the southern border. Privately, the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall with a waterfilled trench stocked with snakes or alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate seth thats right. The president of the United States wanted to dig a waterfilled trench, and stock it with snakes and alligators. You know, like some sort of inbred medieval king at night, he probably drinks milkshakes from a goblet while eric and don jr. Joust with golf clubs. [ laughter ] i mean, seriously, think about how insane this is his aides actually had to go out and get a cost estimate for this plan how do you even do that . Walk over to the reptile section at petsmart with a map of the border and be like, i dont know [ laughter ] snakes like a footlong the borders 2,000 miles can i get a billion snakes . [ laughter ] no, i dont want you to worry that this snakefilled moat thing is occupying too much of the president s time because he has moved on to other topics for example, president caligula over here is also arguing that impeaching him would cause a civil war, accusing the democrats of treason, claiming the ukraine whistleblower spied on him, and calling impeachment, which is a procedure laid out by the framers in the constitution, a coup President Trump ramping up his attacks on the impeachment inquiry engulfing his presidency tweeting overnight, as i learn more and more each day, i am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a coup. Seth all right, first of all, the way you know that tweet is wrong is because it starts with, as i learn more each day. [ laughter ] trump forgets stuff every day. Today, he forgot there was an a in moat. [ laughter ] second, its not a coup. Its a process laid out in the constitution by the founding fathers. Its not like if you were removed from office, democrats would take over and the military would storm trump tower and rename it the Hillary Hilton or something. [ laughter ] i mean, the worst thing that would happen would be that mike pence would become president. And i assure you democrats do not want a president mike pence either for one thing, taxpayers would have to spend millions every year replacing his batteries [ laughter ] now, i know youre all worried about one thing. Its the big question hanging over all of this and that is how is the president handling all this emotionally . Whats his state of mind hows he holding up . And the good news is that judging from this very sane News Conference he gave in the oval office this afternoon with the president of finland sitting next to him, id say trump seems to be handling it all pretty well adam schiff, hes a lowlife he should be forced to resign. The call was perfect in fact, Lindsey Graham said, i didnt know you could be so nice. Theres needles and drugs all over the street. He says, hey, hey, tell that vlad ill talk to him after the elections over. Ill talk to him. She went crazy she said we cant impeach him in this conversation. Thats a great conversation. President trump started screaming, ranting and raving. Alligators and snakes. Skinpiercing spikes i said, why are you asking that stupid question . Everything the Washington Post does is fake its a fake newspaper. I dont even use fake anymore. I call the fake news now corrupt news what happened in 2016 is a disgrace to this country seth well, that i agree with [ cheers and applause i mean, some crazy guy some crazy guy lost the popular vote and fell assbackwards into the presidency, and now, the news has to run chyrons with the words, and this is real, trump denies wanting snakes, gators, spikes on border. [ laughter ] i cannot express to you enough just how deeply off the rails trumps performance was today. I mean, just look at this. This is an actual photo taken of the president of the United States during an official Oval Office Meeting this afternoon. Look at that he looks like a rabid groundhog who just popped out of his hole and predicted six more weeks of word vomit [ laughter ] it looks like a python jutting out of the amazon river. They should put him in a moat on the southern border. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause its not safe to cross its not safe to cross. So lets try taking these one at a time trump slammed Intelligence Committee chairman adam schiff trump has already called for schiff to be arrested for treason, and today, he attacked schiff for criticizing secretary of state mike pompeo who was on the ukraine call himself and is now threatening to obstruct the impeachment inquiry. This guy was negative on mike pompeo. He cant you know, theres an expression he couldnt carry his blank strap. I wont say it because theyll say it was so terrible to say. But that guy couldnt carry his blank strap. Seth of all the insane stuff youve said, why would you think the word jockstrap [ laughter ] would suddenly be over the line this morning, you called the impeachment inquiry bull [ bleep ] on twitter. [ light laughter ] but jockstrap is beyond the pale [ laughter ] or maybe maybe its probably possible, he just couldnt remember and he kept saying blank like he was a contestant on password. The password is jock. That guy couldnt carry his blank strap. [ laughter and applause seth then, after that performance in the oval office, trump moved locations from one room to another where he held a press conference with the president of finland and at one point, trump was asked about his repeated use of the word treason to describe the whistleblower and democrats who were investigating him do you consider anyone who opposes you treasonous no, no. I consider when they lie when they stand before our great body in our Great Chamber and they make up a story thats fiction like schiff did. He took that perfect conversation i had with the ukrainian president and he made it into a total lie. Believe it or not, i watch my words very carefully seth i dont believe it. [ laughter ] i dont believe it at all. You ramble like a guy who just got handed a speedball in the bathroom at studio 54. Whoo come on, baby. Lets collude with a foreign adversary then dance our asses off till sunrise, ha, ha, ha, ha [ laughter ] in fact, throughout today, trump used the word treason multiple times. And at one point, he even said it as if he was quoting someone else a rhetorical tactic he used not once but twice some people even say it was treason. There were those who think im a very stable genius seth those people are you. [ laughter ] youre quoting yourself. Id say hes quoting the voices in his head that im pretty sure the only things in his head are alligators and snakes [ laughter ] seth also, who would you be quoting . No one else has ever said the words stable genius before [ light laughter ] its like beautiful wall. Youre the only one who says it. And then, when a reporter tried to ask trump a very simple question, what was he trying to accomplish on the call with the ukrainian president . If he wasnt digging up dirt on joe biden. Trump got very testy ask a question please thank you, sir. About biden what does he want about biden . What did you want him to look into on biden . Look, biden and his son are stone cold crooked and you know it. His son walks out with millions of dollars the kid knows nothing. You know it and so do we go ahead, ask the question the question, sir, was what did you want president zelensky to do about Vice President biden and his son hunter are you talking to me yeah. It was just a followup of what i just asked you listen, listen. Are you ready . We have the president of finland. Ask him a question i have one for him. I just wanted to follow up on the one that i asked you did you hear me what did you want did you hear me yes ask him a question. I will. But ive given you a long answer. Ask this gentleman a question. Dont be rude. Seth dont drag him into this [ laughter ] you should talk to the president of finland he told me he wants to tell you how innocent i am. In fact, he was on the call, too. It was all his idea. [ light laughter ] he sounds like a dad scolding his children to say hello to a houseguest dont be rude say hello to uncle rudy. And this time, dont kick him in the balls. [ laughter ] all of this of course just adds to the portrait we already have of a lawless, delusional president who thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequences over the last two weeks, for example, we found out that trump orchestrated a vast scheme in which he subverted American Foreign policy almost entirely to serve his own personal political goals. He dangled a quid pro quo to get the president of ukraine to investigate joe biden. He told the russians in the oval office he didnt care that they interfered in the 2016 election. And he asked the Prime Minister of australia to help him prove his insane conspiracy theories about the origins of the russia investigation. At this point, trump is just coldcalling countries asking them if they want to collude [ light laughter ] hello, ecuador . Do you have any dirt on joe biden . [ laughter ] no, you dont . Do you have bolivias number . [ laughter ] now, if youre wondering why trump was asking the Prime Minister of australia of all countries to help him dig up dirt on the mueller probe, the short version is australia found out russia was trying to interfere in u. S. Elections and they tried to do the right thing by reporting it to the fbi and as we know, doing the right thing is not trumps style the New York Times reports that trump pushed the australian Prime Minister during another recent phone call to help his attorney general, bill barr, gather information on the origins of the Mueller Investigation into him trump was, in effect, asking the Australian Government to investigate itself fbi counterintelligence investigators began examining any trump ties to russias 2016 election interference after australian officials told the bureau that russian intermediaries had made overtures to trump advisers about releasing politically damaging information about hillary clinton. Seth thats right. Trump asked the australian Prime Minister to investigate his own government for correctly reporting Russian Election meddling to the fbi. Or at least whoever he thought was the Prime Minister [ laughter ] mr. Dundee, thank you for meeting with me. Can i call you crocodile [ laughter ] on that point, do you know any other crocodiles whod be willing to work on the southern border [ cheers and applause we have a beautiful moot beautiful moot for them to swim in. Now apparently, trumps overtures to all these countries are part of an elaborate plot fueled by a wild Conspiracy Theory to do two things. Manufacture a false smear against joe biden and somehow prove that the russia investigation was a deep state hoax created by the democrats. And he used the levers of government and u. S. Diplomacy to do it. For example, he involved the attorney general william barr by repeatedly invoking his name on the call with the president ial of ukraine and then last week, he mysteriously sent barr on a trip to italy amid the ukraine firestorm with no explanation. Abc reported that attorney general barr has been on official travel in italy for the past few days. Its unclear why the trip was only just revealed sorry, but since when do government officials just get to go off to italy for secret unannounced trips without telling anyone normal people dont get to do that you never walked into your job at chipotle and been like, wheres brad . Oh, he decided to go to venice last night dont worry, its a business trip hes wrapping burritos on a gondola. [ laughter ] and then, yesterday, we found out what that trip was all about. Trump also asked italy to help him dig up dirt on the Mueller Investigation, and he sent barr to italy as part of that mission. Attorney general william barr traveled overseas to personally investigate the origins of the russia investigation into the 2016 trump campaign. Abc news confirms barr met with senior italian intelligence officials last week in italy and the president followed through on a request from barr to call australias Prime Minister on his behalf the investigation into the origins of the russia probe follows repeated and unproven claims by the Trump Administration that President Trump was the target of a witch hunt seth trump sent his attorney general to italy to try to prove his insane Conspiracy Theory that the russia investigation was a deep state witch hunt concocted by the democrats trump watches so much tv now hes just getting his ideas from the da vinci code. [ light laughter ] go into the vatican, sneak into the basilica and open the tomb of Rudy Giuliani [ laughter ] and then, shake him awake. [ laughter ] whats hpenings simple an unhinged presidt disconnected from reality is using his power to pursue insane conspiracy theories and dig up dirt on his opponents, and he and his aides are obstructing an official impeachment inquiry proving once again that his administration is full of alligators and snakes [ laughter ] seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause well be right back with nick kroll, everybody [ cheers and applause announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Across the country, schools are having to cut sports. Im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. I wanted a career where i could drive