[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Wow, thank you very much please, have a seat. Welcome. Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it. Thank you. You guys, we have Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause iteen a ird few years for ashton people keep waiting for him to pop out of the white house and yell, you just got punkd sorry [ laughter ] so glad youre all here with me tonight. Theres a lot going on right now. It is fashion week here in new york city. [ cheers and applause yeah you can tell its fashion week because earlier today i watched a rat eat the cheese off a a pizza and toss away the he was like, no carbs no carbs this week [ laughter ] no carbs. A lot of interesting clothing comes out during fashion week. I saw that neimanmarcus just unveiled a pair of jeans for 462 take a look at these things. [ laughter ] thats real. Thats real. Thats real. Thats the travolta fit. One leg is grease the other leg is saturday night fever. [ laughter ] they even come with a free tshirt that says, i look stupid its very [ laughter ] but this is the time of year when all the big names release their new lines. For example, last night, President Trump released his new line of insults against Chrissy Teigen and john legend [ light laughter ] you guys hear about this audience yes jimmy after john legend went on msnbc and said we need more criminal justice reform, trump went on twitter calling legend boring and referring to chrissy as john legends filthymouthed wife. [ audience oohs you now these are strange times when the president attacks john legend and Chrissy Teigen but invites the taliban to camp david. You know what im saying [ laughter ] but the drama didnt stop there. Teigen fired back at trump and called him well, i cant exactly say it but see if you can figure it out. The let [ laughter ] yeah yes, teigen jimmy it looks like a dirty game of wheel of fortune. [ light laughter ] id like to solve the puzzle. [ light laughter ] Peanut Butter and banana [ laughter ] with an h on the other banana. [ laughter ] you guys, were just three days away from the next democratic debate, and this one will feature ten leading candidates all on stage at the same time. Thats right ten candidates all on stage talking over each other for abc. Its basically the view on steroids [ light laughter ] one of the candidates andrew yang has been gathering some momentum. Yesterday he was at an event and check out what happened. [ cheers ] jimmy when Bernie Sanders tried that, the crowd wound up covered in loose change and used tissues [ laughter ] theyre like [ laughter ] i just got hit with oatmeal how he carries oatmeal in his pockets . [ applause ] youre hurting my hip as the democratic field begins to narrow, i saw that Bernie Sanders, joe biden and Elizabeth Warren are the only candidates polling in double digits of course, there have been a a lot of political polls recently, and a few of them really caught my attention ill show you what i mean. For example, first, when asked whos the biggest threat facing our nation, 50 said Vladimir Putin 49 said kim jongun and donald trump said Chrissy Teigen [ laughter ] next up, when asked what do you consider the reddest state, 30 said texas 20 said utah. 50 said joe bidens eyeball [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] he looks like a james bond villain. Crying blood then when a poll asked, what issue do you think trump will be facing next month . 20 said dealing with the recession. 20 said handling a trade war. 60 said apologizing for a a mildly racist halloween costume. [ laughter ] and finally when asked how has Pete Buttigieg asked for your donations . 30 through email. 30 said with a text 40 said a butticall. There you go [ laughter and applause lot of polls interesting polls. Some tech news this isnt good. Apple was caught breaking a Chinese Labor law to build its latest iphone. People in china were shocked they were like, wait, we have labor laws . [ laughter ] but now apple is doing their best they can to fix the situation. Today they apologized and sent all of their temporary staffers back to kindergarten [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] these are all jokes. Theyre all jokes. Theyre not [ laughter ] steve theres a grain of truth. Sure, yeah jimmy hey, i want to congratulate rafa nadal on winning the u. S. Open title. [ cheers and applause the match lasted almost five hours. [ audience ohs ] yeah, let me put this in perspective for you. At the beginning of the match, trump was in a feud with debra messing. By the end, he was in a feud with Chrissy Teigen. [ light laughter ] thats how long it was, yeah you could tell the match was long after the third hour the ball boys were like, you get up. [ laughter ] and finally, yesterday was the first sunday of the nfl season i saw that during his game against the titans, Cleveland Browns receiver odell beckham, jr. Wore a 350,000 watch look at this yeah yeah, hes playing in the nfl with a 350,000 watch on meanwhile my dad puts his casio in the hotel safe before he takes a shower [ laughter and applause we have a great show tonight give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we got a fun show tonight. Ashton kutcher is here this evening [ cheers and applause billie lourd is here tonight [ cheers and applause womens u. S. Open champion Bianca Andreescu is here [ cheers and applause and we got music from sheryl crow featuring jason isbell [ cheers and applause guys, you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words . Well, its also worth one meme ill show you what im talking about. Its time for this week in memes. Here we go [ cheers and applause this week in meme this week in memes yeah jimmy first up, take a look at this photo of joe biden [ laughter ] his meme says steve ooh. [ laughter and applause jimmy next is a photo of Bernie Sanders his meme is called [ laughter and applause next is a photo of a dog [ audience aws ] its meme is called [ laughter and applause steve ooh, la la jimmy next is a photo of german chancellor angela merkel. Her meme says [ laughter and applause air pod . [ laughter ] steve air bud, youre thinking of. Jimmy air bud, i was thinking about, yeah steve right, but are they air pods jimmy are they called airpods . Steve officially yeah jimmy why why was i thinking air bud steve cause you love that movie. Jimmy its my favorite movie. [ laughter ] steve you bent my ear off thats you know, for three hours last night talking about air bud. Jimmy i know it was ambien haze i didnt know what i was [ laughter ] heres some photo of some pandas here. [ audience aws ] their meme says [ laughter ] [ applause ] next is a photo from a festival in germany this meme says [ laughter ] steve oh jimmy heres a photo of President Trump. Heres another photo of a dog. This meme says [ laughter ] and finally, heres another photo of Bernie Sanders. His meme says [ laughter and applause that was this week in memes. Well be right back with Ashton Kutcher, everybody. Come on back [ cheers and applause i planned each charted course each careful step along the byway much more much more than this i did it my way vo the most awarded network gives you more. Like one of our latest phones for free when you switch to unlimited. Thats verizon. Find something incredible from somewhere amazing. Unique selection. Unbelievable prices. Homegoods. Go finding. Schools are having acrto cut sports. Y, im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. What shes zip lining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. This is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This ones faster. Really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is the star and executive producer of the netflix sitcom the ranch. Part seven begins streaming this friday. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ashton Kutcher [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thats how you make an entrance, buddy nice to see you. Oh. Jimmy they love you. I really like that music. Jimmy yeah, it was great i want that when i wake up in the morning jimmy right. I want that as my new alarm jimmy dude, i could see if the roots could just like, get out of bed. Jimmy yeah hey, i like this i like ooh this old thing jimmy wow. [ laughter ] whats going down . Yeah. Little lip jewelry jimmy wow. [ laughter ] thats not what you call it at all. It looks good. What is it for a role no. No, this is for real life. [ laughter ] jimmy oh oh my gosh no, here okay, its actually a really its kind of crazy so, i never intended to have this i dont think i look good with it but im keeping it jimmy okay we my wife my wife has a friend whos this very famous english singer jimmy okay lets just say, right jimmy sure okay . So she throws these birthday parties. And theyre kind of lavish jimmy adele . I dont know. [ laughter ] jimmy did i nail it . Hello from th other side yeah, every time. So but sing it over the fence. Anyway, so shes like, hey, shes having this Birthday Party. We have to go. And im like, okay, well go to the Birthday Party. Im like so she comes, the day of the Birthday Party, shes like, listen, the theme for the Birthday Party is 1970s new years. And im like, who the throws a 1970s new years Birthday Party. [ laughter ] and i found out the day of, right . Jimmy i love that you just censored yourself. Thats amazing no ones ever done that. I have children jimmy oh my god. That was ive never seen anyone do that ever oh my god you dont do that with the kids jimmy i dont do that ever i mean, this is crazy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Its a 1970s Birthday Party im like, oh, well, we were both on a 70s show. I think we got this. Alright . Jimmy of course, yeah. [ cheers and applause so we can put this think together so i get the bell bottoms. I break them out and im putting them with some good boots and like a vest and a scarf tied around the neck and like a thing jimmy yeah and im looking in the mirror and ive got a beard going and im like, oh, im going 70s stache. Its got to happen. Jimmy oh so i whittle everything down and im its thin i mean, its like a High School Boy trying to grow a mustache. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] but it looks great for the party. Right . Jimmy oh, yeah, perfect. So, we show up at the thing and my wife is in this timeless jumper that could have be from any so we show up. And im looking around and nobody else is in 1970s anything [ light laughter ] right . And im like, what kind of what the hell the theme for the party is 1930s new years. And i look like Burt Reynolds from boogie nights. [ laughter ] and im like, this is a joke. [ applause ] im Walking Around and what do you got to be like, i got the decade wrong . [ laughter ] so, im just playing it off like this is how im doing it these days and im like, whats up, jayz. Yeah, this is my thing now. [ laughter ] and it was really awkward. Jimmy yeah and so now its a spite stache. And im keeping it jimmy oh yeah. This is payback jimmy its a spite stache yeah its a full blown spite stache. And now she likes it so now i cant get rid of it jimmy wow. No, it looks good. You can pull anything off. Come on. Thank you jimmy please how are the how is the family how are the kids i feel like a baron jimmy its like kind of a little baron im going to get a little tweaky so i can be like a real baron. Jimmy are you gonna really is that your next move im thinking im thinking about it jimmy get some mustache wax and go for a little tweak on it maybe jimmy yeah, last time i was here, you told me to lose my mustache youve got i mean that was a that was a beef cake. Jimmy yeah, it was a thing, yeah i mean it was a beefcake. Jimmy it was a lot, yeah [ laughter ] it got out of control real fast mines like an aristocrat jimmy yeah its a little thinner because thats just how it comes in jimmy yeah, mine was like a costar. Yeah. Jimmy it was a costar it was too much. Too much strong. Jimmy it was pretty strong but you talked to me you came on. You didnt lie you were like, it doesnt look good yeah, get rid of it. It was bulgarian. Jimmy yeah alec baldwin yelled at me too. He came on, he goes, what is that for what are you doing are you doing a bit . Ill do a bit with you. I go, im not doing a bit. Hes like, well, why are you wearing that mustache . I go, this is my moustache. He goes, it looks terrible why would you do that . [ laughter ] you cant say that hes talking about my face [ laughter ] your face is handsome jimmy thank you. I appreciate yeah, every time i go in to my business manager, i have to look at your face. Did you know that . Jimmy no youve got theres a a poster of you and Drew Barrymore in the bathroom and every time i take a leak its like signed like, put this in your bathroom. Love, jimmy. And every time i go there to go to the bathroom jimmy well, wait a minute. You know what i wrote on there i wrote, dont hang this in the bathroom. Its in the bathroom. And i got to look at you every time i pee and its a little weird for me jimmy its just an odd thing. cause i sign things for people and i go, just do me a favor, dont hang this in a weird spot. Its in the john. Jimmy oh my god. Im going to call them tomorrow if it bothers you, ill call that dude. I want to talk to you about this cause i think this is fascinating. I dont know if you know this about Ashton Kutcher here, but hes one of the top tech investors in the world and youre really great. [ cheers and applause you picked some good stuff youre a tastemaker. And i didnt know when i i think i met you this has got to be ten years ago when i first started talking to you about this im like, i just know you as the actor. And i thought you were just kind of goofy. I dont know and fun. And youre like, no dude, you get these and you started getting into it im like, whoa, i cant even hold my own against you. You know what youre doing man we moonlight as technologists, you and i jimmy we really do this is our thing jimmy but you hit homers dude, i mean were doing alright jimmy airbnb, spotify. I mean this is yeah, were having fun. Jimmy uber yeah. Jimmyashton, how did you get into did you know that you were good at this . I just started using this stuff. I mean i was like i was early on twitter jimmy yeah st srted i justng that. Started using all these things and i was like, this is fantastic. And then just sort of found a knack for it and then after a while, the track record is what the track record is. But you kind of never look back and we just keep looking for the next thing thats wonderful. Jimmy i love that you do that though. Its really fun jimmy yeah, its crazy i met with like two companies in new york today. Jimmy really yeah, its amazing. Jimmy yeah, ten years ago you were telling me that you were meeting with this guy and i go, Ashton Kutcher, this is fantastic i never knew this part about you. I met with this company his morning thats in new york right underneath your nose its called noom and its like a jimmy i know noom. Its unbelievable jimmy its a weight loss thing. Its unbelievable what theyre building jimmy i clearly dont have the app. But i mean its a weight loss thing. [ laughter ] jimmy ive been using noom for about four weeks now weve been really stocking up on noom as of late. Jimmy please get jimmy to sign up to noom. Before. After. Jimmy are you doing are you going to be investing in noom i think so. I like them. Jimmy wow. I dont know. I mean were like working things were seeing what you know, because theyve already raised money in the thing. But i really like the company. I think theyre doing incredible things. Theyre helping a lot of people jimmy i love that youre doing that and just gives i dont know, i just i think its awesome that you do that cause i look up to you a little bit i go, look at ashton just crushing it. Thanks, jimmy jimmy im psyched buddy. Lets talk about your second job, acting. [ laughter ] the ranch, congratulations this friday is a whole slew of brandnew shows. Brandnew shows, yes. Jimmy this is the longest running multicam sitcom on netflix. Yeah. Jimmy thats pretty cool youre making history. Thats so cool. [ cheers and applause they told me that. They told me that. And i didnt even really realize it we had shot like 80 episodes or something. I didnt even realize it i was like, wow. I mean, you know, its like time just sort of goes by. And you just keep working, and working, and working and you look back and you go, what happened . Jimmy you got a great cast its super funny i want to show everyone a clip heres Ashton Kutcher in the ranch. Take a look at this. Hey good morning, boys. [ laughter ] beautiful day. The sun is shining the birds are chirping it just makes you happy to be alive, doesnt it . [ laughter ] is this a trap . [ laughter ] if i say yes, are you going to call me an idiot no, im in a good mood. Oh. Tell your face [ laughter ] morning, boys well see, now i believe her her face matches her words [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy Ashton Kutcher, everybody. The ranch is back with new episodes on netflix this friday when we come back, ashton and i are milking a cow . Stick around its fun [ cheers and applause with ai we can protect what we cant see. Snow leopards are almost impossible to find, but we need to know where they are, because they are threatened. Our camera traps allow us to have and eye in the mountains, taking thousands of pictures. Microsoft ai scans through all these images, and separates Snow Leopards from everything else, in ten minutes instead of ten days. It gives us time to do better research, and save this threatened species. [ scoffs ] if you say so. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. But we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. 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Its not [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, well, these arent beef these are milking cows we these are holstein cows these are dairy cows jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah well, whatever, i mean, theres another season you could do it next year. You could be no. [ laughter ] you know, they dont the beef cows and the dairy cows are jimmy this will be fun so, yes, youre in [ laughter ] all right, heres how this is going to work. You and i will each have to milk our cows as the timer counts down. Whoever has the most milk when time runs out wins i d know w to milk a cow. Jimmy loser [ laughter ] you think i do come on, loser loser has to personally go up to everyone in the audience and say, im sorry i didnt milk the cow better. No. [ laughter ] this is a jimmy thats what you have to do. Im from iowa [ cheers and applause jimmy yeah, youre from iowa you should be used to it take our positions here. Take you got that cow i have this cow over here. Dairy cows are from wisconsin. I dont even know what this is, like [ light laughter ] jimmy wow. Thats kind of amazing mmmmilk jimmy wow. [ laughter ] okay, hey, girl jimmy oh, my god i cant see you ashton but hi. Were goto geteal close to one another jimmy okay are you prepared . When do how do we know when to start what do we do . Jimmy i dont know which one you grab [ laughter ] all right jimmy i got i got four of them on my side yours is a female did you get the male or the female, jimmy . [ laughter ] jimmy i think i got four males. [ laughter ] okay all right, here we go. Oh, youre warming up your hands. Youre cheating. Well, i dont want her to get shocked. Jimmy all right, here we go easy, girl. Easy, girl jimmy all right, ready woah, woah, woah, my cow is moving [ laughter ] jimmy are you ready . No, im not ready my cows oh, my god, he pooped [ audience ews ] hold on. My cow just dropped a deuce, dude [ laughter and applause its okay, girl. Its okay. Hold on. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy, its starting get behind yours jimmy no, i cant. No, no. Its a go. Were going. Jimmy no, i cant go over there. I cant go over there. All right. [ laughter ] this im used to. Im used to being around cow poop jimmy oh, my gosh. Im fine with this. [ laughter ] its the milking i dont know. But, well ill manage. Jimmy all right. So the cow i mean, its loose, too, bud. Shes nervous. [ laughter ] new york city [ laughter ] okay, im good im good [ laughter ] jimmy i cant do it. Jim come on, bud jimmy are you going to do it last time i was here you made me eat a bunch of weird stuff. Jimmy okay now you got to stand and milk by poop [ laughter ] jimmy all right, whats got to go out . Are you going to do it im going to do it. She justropped a deuce were fine jimmy all right, good. [ laughter ] oh, my god okay oh, my god we got this jimmy all right, all right, here we go you ready jimmy all right, on your mark hold your breath. Jimmy i cant even look. On your mark oh, god, im right in it. [ coughing ] jimmy god. [ laughter ] i have a very weak stomach i have a weak stomach. This is going to be all right, crazy ready . On your mark oh, my god i think im [ coughs ] [ laughter ] say, go. [ coughs ] [ laughter ] say go, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy, i can only hold my breath for so long [ laughter ] jimmy i cant do it. Im holding cow teats, lets go [ laughter ] jimmy i dont think i can do it. I cant do it. Start the thing, jimmy. Jimmy all right. All right, here we go. Do i win by default is thats what is happening . Jimmy all right, here we go ready . Go ready . On your mark, get set, go. Are you not even milking . Jimmy im going. I swear to god im doing it. Here we go im getting nothing [ laughter ] shes dried up i got a dry heifer jimmy oh, my god oh, oh, theres some milk yeah, come on, girl. [ cheers ] oh, there we go. Thats a shot. Breakfast. Jimmy yo, shes milking herself. Does anybody have any cheerios [ laughter ] jimmy i mean, im i cant even look down i dont even know whats going on oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You got it real bad over there, bud. [ laughter ] im right in the middle of this deuce zone just like jimmy oh, my god sizing it up. [ buzzer ] jimmy all right, buzzers all right. Stop wow, cool. Okay. Jimmy my cows still going its kind of awesome [ laughter ] what . Jimmy are you ready . Are you ready . Yeah, im ready jimmy all right, lets get away from there. I got a dribble jimmy oh, my gosh. That was one of the most insane things ive ever had to sit next to. [ laughter ] i dont know how you did that. But i still cant breathe. [ laughter ] its the mustache [ laughter ] you have no idea what this thing smells like. Jimmy all right, lets see how we did oh, youre youre crushing me at jimmy ready . All right, yeah, lets see. [ laughter ] jimmy thats what you did . [ applause ] i was working over there. [ cheers ] i think i got more on my hand than i got in the jar. [ cheers and applause jimmy thats how you milk a cow right there. Sorry, ashton. Sorry, i dont know how to milk a cow jimmy no, you have to apologize to every person in the audience all right jimmy im sorry i didnt milk the cow better is exactly what you have to say Ashton Kutcher right there thank you for being here, buddy. [ cheers and applause i was just kidding i cant believe that i cant believe oh, i didnt do that. Your idea jimmy the ranch is back with new episodes on netflix this friday. Stick around, well be right back with billie lourd, everybody. [ cheers and applause boom by X Ambassadors my feet go boom boom boom, zoom zoom zoom, zoom zoom zoom walkin away from you introducing tmobiles most powerful signal, reaching farther than ever before. Wherever you go, youll find us working to create the most advanced Wireless Network in history. With more engineers. More towers. More coverage connecting big cities. 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We know their rates are good, we know that theyre always going to take care of us. It was an instant savings and i should have changed a long time ago. It was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say oh we cant beat usaa were the webber family. Were the tenneys were the hayles, and were usaa members for life. Get your usaa Auto Insurance quote today. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest is a very talented actress starring on the Television Series American Horror story 1984 which premieres wednesday, september 18th at 10 00 p. M. On fx please welcome billie lourd. [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my god they love you. I love them jimmy i love you, come on. I love them jimmy welcome back to the show thank you jimmy congrats on everything man, oh, man this is just what a year for you. Its amazing im doing things. Jimmy youre doing a lot of things trying to jimmy i mean, is it true i was your first talk show st, ght . I was your first talk show you were. Yeah, i lost my talk show virginity right here right in this position jimmy i remember this. Not in this position but in some kind of position like this jimmy yeah but, yeah, it was we sang creed. Jimmy yeah because i had never done this before. So i didnt know you had to be uncomfortable. So i was weirdly comfortable jimmy yes. And i sang creed. Jimmy no, we always have fun on our show. And we do fun things we have such a good time, yeah jimmy we always have a good time but, dude, was i good . Was i nice to you . [ light laughter ] you were so beautiful i actually wanted to marry you jimmy aw [ laughter ] after but i was too nervous to ask jimmy youre the best. Come on, buddy so weird. [ laughter ] jimmy i want to say congrats before we get into the other American Horror story. But you were fantastic in booksmart. Man, oh, man, you were oh, my favorite [ cheers and applause jimmy dude, you were so great in that. Thank you thank you. Jimmy and you know im a a fan. But that was that was fantastic. That was my peak. Honestly, i used to say that i peaked during bat mitzvah season which, i dont know, might be weird for some of you but if youve been to a bat mitzvah, theyre amazing i peaked then. But then i had booksmart. And i peaked again and it was kind of similar to bat mitzvah season if youve seen the movie, im kind of just insane jimmy yeah in it jimmy thats what bat mitzvah season is . What do you mean yeah, its just me kind of running around being my id you know [ laughter ] jimmy being my id. Yeah. Jimmy oh, my gosh. Dark but true jimmy was it fun to do it was literally the most fun ive ever had in my life it was incredible. Olivia wilde is irritatingly perfect. I love her so much shes beautiful, smart, talented all of the amazing adjectives you can think of in the world. Jimmy she is it was so much fun. I have said so much fun 900 times. Because it was 900 times the fun. Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] lets talk about American Horror story. Is that fun . Because i feel like ryan murphy feels like a fun human being i know, its frightening to do but he is a fun human being [ light laughter ] its deeply terrifying to do but its so deeply terrifying and weird that it gets to be funny sometimes. Ill be sobbing under a boat, bleeding or something. No spoilers. That was just a random thing that happened in my mind [ laughter ] yeah, ill be sobbing under a boat, bleeding or something and then jimmy and then you said that twice now i think it is a spoiler. [ laughter ] it might be i dont know or its just a spoiler for how weird my brain is. [ laughter ] i dont know but anyway but what we have to do in times like that is sometimes, you know, sing a little tune because it gets a little dark. And everyone is crying and were running. And were bleeding and it gets sad. So you got to sing a song. Jimmy what do you mean what do you sing what song do you sing . I mean, i dont know what you sing when youre sad but i sing africa by toto. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause jimmy i mean, thats pretty good i dont know, you guys. I dont know it seems like i jimmy its a fun song. Its a really fun, fun song [ harmonizing in the night [ harmonizing i dont know any of the words. But it seems like i do jimmy is that part of the part of the fun the whole beauty of the song is that you just get so passionate that it doesnt matter that youre saying no words at all [ laughter ] it sounds like youre singing the song jimmy and youre covered in blood under a boat youre covered in blood under a boat youre peeing yourself youre bleeding. Jimmy yeah youre crying and then you sing africa by toto and everythings better jimmy and do you dance at all or you just i do a little interpretive dance. Should we interpret . Jimmy lets do this. Lets should we interpret jimmy raise the moon a a little bit [ cheers and applause i would like to start with one of these get those little hand into a flying little angel i dont know what this song is [ harmonizing its gonna take a lot to take me away from you theres nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do i am the rain [ indiscernible im dying and bleedin lying under a boat oooh god, that was jimmy all right, thats it god [ cheers and applause god, that was good jimmy see, i was i feel so much better i was feeling a little sick and a little sad and now i feel okay. Jimmy American Horror story. I love that you do all this fun stuff like this. I love it. I love that you do fun stuff. You let me do fun stuff. Jimmy 1984 1984 is the theme for this American Horror story. Theyre always frightening, always insane. You said to me backstage this one is the this one is even gorier than it ever has been before. So i need to sing africa literally everyday jimmy yeah yeah all day because its terrifying constantly. Jimmy can you set it up for us but jimmy where is it set . Now, what is this . Its set in outside of l. A. So me and a bunch of my Camp Counselor friends, gus kenworthy, the epic skier, im in love with him jimmy yeah cody fern, Matthew Morrison from glee. We love glee. Leslie grossman, my heart and soul so all of us basically are people in l. A. And were bored we dont want to be in l. A. Anymore. You know, kind of like me sometimes. And we go out to this camp in the middle of nowhere where a bunch of people were killed 20 years ago jimmy yeah but were like, hey, lets go be Camp Counselors there. So we go and camp counsel there. And then he comes back [ gasps jimmy the killer comes back yeah. Jimmy yeah, and and it jimmy whats his name . Can we say his name or no . You cant say it mr. Jingles [ light laughter ] he sounds nice but he aint, yall. Jimmy no [ laughter ] but also this is 1 1984 and youre an aerobics instructor i live and breathe aerobics [ light laughter ] i live and breathe jimmy dude, i think people are going to dress like you for halloween. When you thats my goal. Every time i sit down in hair and makeup when i start one of these shows, im like, okay, so how can we make me look absurd as possible i want people to look at my hair and be like, i want to put that on my head for halloween. jimmy yeah heres billie lourd from american here story 1984. [ laughter and applause im sorry jimmy well bleep that out billie lourd, everybody. American horror story 1984 [ cheers and applause after t break. Come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause squirrel noises squirrel noises fake squirrel noise squirrel noise fake squirrel noise jif Peanut Butter. Its that jifing good youd dress up like a squirrel for it. 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Powered by plants somebody burned down my she shed. Nobody burned down your she shed, cheryl. Well my she sheds on fire. Your she shed was struck by lightning. Zachary, is my she shed covered by state farm . Your she sheds covered, cheryl. You hear that victor . Im getting a new she shier she shed. She shier . Mhhm. Thats wonderful news. Home insurance trusted by more people than any other. State farm. Home insurance trusted by mschools are havingy other. Acrto cut sports. Y, im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. I planned each charted course each careful step along the byway much more much more than this i did it my way vo the most awarded network gives you more. Like one of our latest phones for free when you switch to unlimited. Thats verizon. [ cheers and applause jimmy this weekend, our next guest won the womens singles finals to become a a first time u. S. Open champion please welcome Bianca Andreescu [ cheers and applause jimmy thats what im talking about. Hey. Come on. Welcome. Welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Thank you, this is it, huh thank you for having me its a nice piece of hardware. Im not going to lie jimmy yeah, i guess so oh, my gosh. How does it feel oh man, it feels so good. I made history in canada i am truly blessed truly blessed. Jimmy yeah, youve made history here i know youre from canada as well let me just run through some things here. You started the year ranked 152, now you rank 5. [ cheers and applause youre the first youre the first teenager to win a major in over a decade youre the first player born in the 2000s to win a major singles title. [ cheers and applause oh, my gosh jimmy youre the First Canadian to win a major singles title, and this is the first time you qualified for the u. S. Open in three years, and you won the whole thing. [ cheers and applause youre making me blush. Jimmy walk me through this have you have you had time to really just breathe and take it all in, and go what is going on with everything no, definitely not. Everything has been pretty hectic ever since. So, i never really got the chance to let everything soak in, but yeah, last year has been pretty crazy. I was going through a really bad back injury, so now being able to hold this trophy is something really special and playing against serena in the final, i mean ive been dreaming of this moment for a pretty long time jimmy yeah but yeah, this is honestly crazy. Its crazy jimmy how was do you get nervous when you go, oh my gosh, im going up against Serena Williams . This is legendary. Yeah, its it was pretty shocking i got a sense of how that was during toronto in the finals so i think i was able to control my emotions a little bit better i mean i was really, really nervous before the match, but when i stepped the on the court i just stuck to my game plan, and i did some really good things jimmy yeah, yeah you did i would say so [ applause ] does that added pressure make you want to play harder and go, oh, my gosh dont yeah, stay extra focused. Oh yeah, definitely theres always going to be pressure, whether its the pressure you put on yourself, or the external pressure but i think like what Billie Jean King says, pressure is a privilege, so i just try to embrace it as much as i can, and i think ive been doing that really well this year jimmy and canada is going crazy for you. I mean, youve heard from everybody, right yeah, ive heard from everyone jimmy who have you heard from shania twain. Jimmy hello. I mean oh, my gosh jimmy you can stop right there. I mean thats all you need, but trudeau. Justin trudeau, john tory, steve nash, the raptors, the leafs, its been crazy ive been feeling all the love from home, and i truly appreciate it. Jimmy is there anyone you havent heard from yet drizzy. Champagnepapi, im waiting for you. [ laughter ] jimmy drake, drake, if youre watching. Dont me. Dont me jimmy yeah, dont me oh my gosh i got to say, its a pleasure meeting you, but you do this racket flip thing that i thought was pretty cool. And i was wondering if you could maybe show me how to do it the one that almost hit the ref. Jimmy yeah by the way, were you like that one slipped out of my hand i did not mean to, but no one is getting hurt tonight, i promise. Okay jimmy well, you never know, right . Now, show me how you do it first. All right. All right, so i cant do this. Can you do that jimmy no, i cant do this at all is that it okay, so you keep your hand like that. Jimmy okay, already im in trouble. And you kind of flip it, but you have to go really fast, so you dont drop it, and then you catch the grip [ laughter ] should i like jimmy yeah, yeah, you should walk away yeah, yeah, yeah [ cheers ] round of applause [ cheers and applause jimmy i feel like a pro. Alright, lets flip our rackets out to commercial break. Bianca andreescu, everybody. [ cheers and applause well be right back with a a performance from sheryl crow and jason isbell stick around here we go [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy performing everything is broken with jason isbell from her new album threads, please welcome sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause broken line broken strings broken threads broken springs broken idol broken heads people sleepin in broken beds aint no use jiving aint no use jokin everything is broken broken bottle broken plate broken switche broken gates broken dishes broken parts streets are filled with broken hearts broken word never meant to be spoken everything is broken seems like every time you stop and turn around Something Else just hits the ground broken cutter broken saw broken buckles broken laws broken bodies broken bones broken voice on broken phones take a deep breat feels like youre chokin everything is broken broken hand on broken plough broken treatie broken vows broken pipe broken tools people bending broken rules hound dog howling bullfrog croakin everything is broken every time you leav and go off some plac things fall to piece in my face broken hand on broken plough broken treatie broken vows broken pipe broken tools people bending broken rules hound dog howling bullfrog croakin everything is broken everything is broke everything is broken everything is broken [ cheers and applause jimmy yes thats how you do it right there. Come on. Sheryl crow [ cheers and applause jason isbell [ cheers and applause catch them both at shoals fest on october 5th in muscle shoals, alabama. My thanks to Ashton Kutcher, billie lourd, Bianca Andreescu sheryl crow, once again. [ cheers and applause jason isbell and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight Kelly Clarkson stars of shermans showcase, comedians Bashir Salahuddin and diallo riddle. Author cj hauser featuring the 8g band with terri lyne carrington. [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. How is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. In that case, lets get to the news President Trump claimed on saturday that he had scheduled and then canceled a meeting with