[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Wow, thank you very much please, have a seat. Welcome. Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it. Thank you. You guys, we have Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause iteen a ird few years for ashton people keep waiting for him to pop out of the white house and yell, you just got punkd sorry [ laughter ] so glad youre all here with me tonight. Theres a lot going on right now. It is fashion week here in new york city. [ cheers and applause yeah you can tell its fashion week because earlier today i watched a rat eat the cheese off a a pizza and toss away the he was like, no carbs no carbs this week [ laughter ] no carbs. A lot of interesting clothing comes out during fashion week. I saw that neimanmarcus just unveiled a pair of jeans for 462 take a look at these things. [ laughter ] thats real. Thats real. Thats real. Thats the travolta fit. One leg is grease the other leg is saturday night fever. [ laughter ] they even come with a free tshirt that says, i look stupid its very [ laughter ] but this is the time of year when all the big names release their new lines. For example, last night, President Trump released his new line of insults against Chrissy Teigen and john legend [ light laughter ] you guys hear about this audience yes jimmy after john legend went on msnbc and said we need more criminal justice reform, trump went on twitter calling legend boring and referring to chrissy as john legends filthymouthed wife. [ audience oohs you now these are strange times when the president attacks john legend and Chrissy Teigen but invites the taliban to camp david. You know what im saying [ laughter ] but the drama didnt stop there. Teigen fired back at trump and called him well, i cant exactly say it but see if you can figure it out. The let [ laughter ] yeah yes, teigen jimmy it looks like a dirty game of wheel of fortune. [ light laughter ] id like to solve the puzzle. [ light laughter ] Peanut Butter and banana [ laughter ] with an h on the other banana. [ laughter ] you guys, were just three days away from the next democratic debate, and this one will feature ten leading candidates all on stage at the same time. Thats right ten candidates all on stage talking over each other for abc. Its basically the view on steroids [ light laughter ] one of the candidates andrew yang has been gathering some momentum. Yesterday he was at an event and check out what happened. [ cheers ] jimmy when Bernie Sanders tried that, the crowd wound up covered in loose change and used tissues [ laughter ] theyre like [ laughter ] i just got hit with oatmeal how he carries oatmeal in his pockets . [ applause ] youre hurting my hip as the democratic field begins to narrow, i saw that Bernie Sanders, joe biden and Elizabeth Warren are the only candidates polling in double digits of course, there have been a a lot of political polls recently, and a few of them really caught my attention ill show you what i mean. For example, first, when asked whos the biggest threat facing our nation, 50 said Vladimir Putin 49 said kim jongun and donald trump said Chrissy Teigen [ laughter ] next up, when asked what do you consider the reddest state, 30 said texas 20 said utah. 50 said joe bidens eyeball [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] he looks like a james bond villain. Crying blood then when a poll asked, what issue do you think trump will be facing next month . 20 said dealing with the recession. 20 said handling a trade war. 60 said apologizing for a a mildly racist halloween costume. [ laughter ] and finally when asked how has Pete Buttigieg asked for your donations . 30 through email. 30 said with a text 40 said a butticall. There you go [ laughter and applause lot of polls interesting polls. Some tech news this isnt good. Apple was caught breaking a Chinese Labor law to build its latest iphone. People in china were shocked they were like, wait, we have labor laws . [ laughter ] but now apple is doing their best they can to fix the situation. Today they apologized and sent all of their temporary staffers back to kindergarten [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] these are all jokes. Theyre all jokes. Theyre not [ laughter ] steve theres a grain of truth. Sure, yeah jimmy hey, i want to congratulate rafa nadal on winning the u. S. Open title. [ cheers and applause the match lasted almost five hours. [ audience ohs ] yeah, let me put this in perspective for you. At the beginning of the match, trump was in a feud with debra messing. By the end, he was in a feud with Chrissy Teigen. [ light laughter ] thats how long it was, yeah you could tell the match was long after the third hour the ball boys were like, you get up. [ laughter ] and finally, yesterday was the first sunday of the nfl season i saw that during his game against the titans, Cleveland Browns receiver odell beckham, jr. Wore a 350,000 watch look at this yeah yeah, hes playing in the nfl with a 350,000 watch on meanwhile my dad puts his casio in the hotel safe before he takes a shower [ laughter and applause we have a great show tonight give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we got a fun show tonight. Ashton kutcher is here this evening [ cheers and applause billie lourd is here tonight [ cheers and applause womens u. S. Open champion Bianca Andreescu is here [ cheers and applause and we got music from sheryl crow featuring jason isbell [ cheers and applause guys, you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words . Well, its also worth one meme ill show you what im talking about. Its time for this week in memes. Here we go [ cheers and applause this week in meme this week in memes yeah jimmy first up, take a look at this photo of joe biden [ laughter ] his meme says steve ooh. [ laughter and applause jimmy next is a photo of Bernie Sanders his meme is called [ laughter and applause next is a photo of a dog [ audience aws ] its meme is called [ laughter and applause steve ooh, la la jimmy next is a photo of german chancellor angela merkel. Her meme says [ laughter and applause air pod . [ laughter ] steve air bud, youre thinking of. Jimmy air bud, i was thinking about, yeah steve right, but are they air pods jimmy are they called airpods . Steve officially yeah jimmy why why was i thinking air bud steve cause you love that movie. Jimmy its my favorite movie. [ laughter ] steve you bent my ear off thats you know, for three hours last night talking about air bud. Jimmy i know it was ambien haze i didnt know what i was [ laughter ] heres some photo of some pandas here. [ audience aws ] their meme says [ laughter ] [ applause ] next is a photo from a festival in germany this meme says [ laughter ] steve oh jimmy heres a photo of President Trump. Heres another photo of a dog. This meme says [ laughter ] and finally, heres another photo of Bernie Sanders. His meme says [ laughter and applause that was this week in memes. Well be right back with Ashton Kutcher, everybody. Come on back [ cheers and applause i planned each charted course each careful step along the byway much more much more than this i did it my way vo the most awarded network gives you more. Like one of our latest phones for free when you switch to unlimited. Thats verizon. Find something incredible from somewhere amazing. Unique selection. Unbelievable prices. Homegoods. Go finding. Schools are having acrto cut sports. Y, im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. What shes zip lining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. This is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This ones faster. Really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is the star and executive producer of the netflix sitcom the ranch. Part seven begins streaming this friday. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ashton Kutcher [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thats how you make an entrance, buddy nice to see you. Oh. Jimmy they love you. I really like that music. Jimmy yeah, it was great i want that when i wake up in the morning jimmy right. I want that as my new alarm jimmy dude, i could see if the roots could just like, get out of bed. Jimmy yeah hey, i like this i like ooh this old thing jimmy wow. [ laughter ] whats going down . Yeah. Little lip jewelry jimmy wow. [ laughter ] thats not what you call it at all. It looks good. What is it for a role no. No, this is for real life. [ laughter ] jimmy oh oh my gosh no, here okay, its actually a really its kind of crazy so, i never intended to have this i dont think i look good with it but im keeping it jimmy okay we my wife my wife has a friend whos this very famous english singer jimmy okay lets just say, right jimmy sure okay . So she throws these birthday parties. And theyre kind of lavish jimmy adele . I dont know. [ laughter ] jimmy did i nail it . Hello from th other side yeah, every time. So but sing it over the fence. Anyway, so shes like, hey, shes having this Birthday Party. We have to go. And im like, okay, well go to the Birthday Party. Im like so she comes, the day of the Birthday Party, shes like, listen, the theme for the Birthday Party is 1970s new years. And im like, who the throws a 1970s new years Birthday Party. [ laughter ] and i found out the day of, right . Jimmy i love that you just censored yourself. Thats amazing no ones ever done that. I have children jimmy oh my god. That was ive never seen anyone do that ever oh my god you dont do that with the kids jimmy i dont do that ever i mean, this is crazy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Its a 1970s Birthday Party im like, oh, well, we were both on a 70s show. I think we got this. Alright . Jimmy of course, yeah. [ cheers and applause so we can put this think together so i get the bell bottoms. I break them out and im putting them with some good boots and like a vest and a scarf tied around the neck and like a thing jimmy yeah and im looking in the mirror and ive got a beard going and im like, oh, im going 70s stache. Its got to happen. Jimmy oh so i whittle everything down and im its thin i mean, its like a High School Boy trying to grow a mustache. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] but it looks great for the party. Right . Jimmy oh, yeah, perfect. So, we show up at the thing and my wife is in this timeless jumper that could have be from any so we show up. And im looking around and nobody else is in 1970s anything [ light laughter ] right . And im like, what kind of what the hell the theme for the party is 1930s new years. And i look like Burt Reynolds from boogie nights. [ laughter ] and im like, this is a joke. [ applause ] im Walking Around and what do you got to be like, i got the decade wrong . [ laughter ] so, im just playing it off like this is how im doing it these days and im like, whats up, jayz. Yeah, this is my thing now. [ laughter ] and it was really awkward. Jimmy yeah and so now its a spite stache. And im keeping it jimmy oh yeah. This is payback jimmy its a spite stache yeah its a full blown spite stache. And now she likes it so now i cant get rid of it jimmy wow. No, it looks good. You can pull anything off. Come on. Thank you jimmy please how are the how is the family how are the kids i feel like a baron jimmy its like kind of a little baron im going to get a little tweaky so i can be like a real baron. Jimmy are you gonna really is that your next move im thinking im thinking about it jimmy get some mustache wax and go for a little tweak on it maybe jimmy yeah, last time i was here, you told me to lose my mustache youve got i mean that was a that was a beef cake. Jimmy yeah, it was a thing, yeah i mean it was a beefcake. Jimmy it was a lot, yeah [ laughter ] it got out of control real fast mines like an aristocrat jimmy yeah its a little thinner because thats just how it comes in jimmy yeah, mine was like a costar. Yeah. Jimmy it was a costar it was too much. Too much strong. Jimmy it was pretty strong but you talked to me you came on. You didnt lie you were like, it doesnt look good yeah, get rid of it. It was bulgarian. Jimmy yeah alec baldwin yelled at me too. He came on, he goes, what is that for what are you doing are you doing a bit . Ill do a bit with you. I go, im not doing a bit. Hes like, well, why are you wearing that mustache . I go, this is my moustache. He goes, it looks terrible why would you do that . [ laughter ] you cant say that hes talking about my face [ laughter ] your face is handsome jimmy thank you. I appreciate yeah, every time i go in to my business manager, i have to look at your face. Did you know that . Jimmy no youve got theres a a poster of you and Drew Barrymore in the bathroom and every time i take a leak its like signed like, put this in your bathroom. Love, jimmy. And every time i go there to go to the bathroom jimmy well, wait a minute. You know what i wrote on there i wrote, dont hang this in the bathroom. Its in the bathroom. And i got to look at you every time i pee and its a little weird for me jimmy its just an odd thing. cause i sign things for people and i go, just do me a favor, dont hang this in a weird spot. Its in the john. Jimmy oh my god. Im going to call them tomorrow if it bothers you, ill call that dude. I want to talk to you about this cause i think this is fascinating. I dont know if you know this about Ashton Kutcher here, but hes one of the top tech investors in the world and youre really great. [ cheers and applause you picked some good stuff youre a tastemaker. And i didnt know when i i think i met you this has got to be ten years ago when i first started talking to you about this im like, i just know you as the actor. And i thought you were just kind of goofy. I dont know and fun. And youre like, no dude, you get these and you started getting into it im like, whoa, i cant even hold my own against you. You know what youre doing man we moonlight as technologists, you and i jimmy we really do this is our thing jimmy but you hit homers dude, i mean were doing alright jimmy airbnb, spotify. I mean this is yeah, were having fun. Jimmy uber yeah. Jimmyashton, how did you get into did you know that you were good at this . I just started using this stuff. I mean i was like i was early on twitter jimmy yeah st srted i justng that. Started using all these things and i was like, this is fantastic. And then just sort of found a knack for it and then after a while, the track record is what the track record is. But you kind of never look back and we just keep looking for the next thing thats wonderful. Jimmy i love that you do that though. Its really fun jimmy yeah, its crazy i met with like two companies in new york today. Jimmy really yeah, its amazing. Jimmy yeah, ten years ago you were telling me that you were meeting with this guy and i go, Ashton Kutcher, this is fantastic i never knew this part about you. I met with this company his morning thats in new york right underneath your nose its called noom and its like a jimmy i know noom. Its unbelievable jimmy its a weight loss thing. Its unbelievable what theyre building jimmy i clearly dont have the app. But i mean its a weight loss thing. [ laughter ] jimmy ive been using noom for about four weeks now weve been really stocking up on noom as of late. Jimmy please get jimmy to sign up to noom. Before. After. Jimmy are you doing are you going to be investing in noom i think so. I like them. Jimmy wow. I dont know. I mean were like working things were seeing what you know, because theyve already raised money in the thing. But i really like the company. I think theyre doing incredible things. Theyre helping a lot of people jimmy i love that youre doing that and just gives i dont know, i just i think its awesome that you do that cause i look up to you a little bit i go, look at ashton just crushing it. Thanks, jimmy jimmy im psyched buddy. Lets talk about your second job, acting. [ laughter ] the ranch, congratulations this friday is a whole slew of brandnew shows. Brandnew shows, yes. Jimmy this is the longest running multicam sitcom on netflix. Yeah. Jimmy thats pretty cool youre making history. Thats so cool. [ cheers and applause they told me that. They told me that. And i didnt even really realize it we had shot like 80 episodes or something. I didnt even realize it i was like, wow. I mean, you know, its like time just sort of goes by. And you just keep working, and working, and working and you look back and you go, what happened . Jimmy you got a great cast its super funny i want to show everyone a clip heres Ashton Kutcher in the ranch. Take a look at this. Hey good morning, boys. [ laughter ] beautiful day. The sun is shining the birds are chirping it just makes you happy to be alive, doesnt it . [ laughter ] is this a trap . [ laughter ] if i say yes, are you going to call me an idiot no, im in a good mood. Oh. Tell your face [ laughter ] morning, boys well see, now i believe her her face matches her words [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy Ashton Kutcher, everybody. The ranch is back with new episodes on netflix this friday when we come back, ashton and i are milking a cow . Stick around its fun [ cheers and applause with ai we can p