Jimmy thank you very much. Wow thank you very much, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause please have a seat welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show everybody guys, it is the weekend and this sunday is the indianapolis 500. So between Memorial Day Travel and the indy 500, its a great time for people who love being stuck in the car [ laughter and applause thats right, its memorial day weekend. And i read that veterans and Service Members can get discounts at Outback Steakhouse [ light laughter ] cause nothing says thank you for putting your life on the line like 10 off a bloomin onion. [ laughter and applause this isnt good. The department of agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef, due to concerns about ecoli anyway, enjoy those memorial day bbqs, everybody [ laughter and applause have a great one lets get to some news here. Today, President Trump left for a state visit to japan, then next week, hes also [ audience member applauds ] [ laughter ] steve all right, bloomin onion. [ laughter ] jimmy President Trump left for a state visit to japan and then next week hes also traveling to the u. K trumps nervous. He was like, first i have to learn japanese, now i have to learn english . [ laughter and applause who is making my schedule . [ cheers and applause meanwhile, the race for 2020 is underway and i saw that walmart invited Bernie Sanders to its annual Shareholders Meeting this is very nice. Walmart told bernie, if he doesnt win, theyre going to hire him as a greeter. [ laughter and applause welcome to walmart my name is bernie heres some sports news. I heard that the nfl might start allowing players to smoke marijuana. [ audience ohs ] in response, nfl players were like, cool, we cant wait to try weed for the very first time. [ laughter and applause get this, officials in the u. K say [ baby crying oh guys, you hear that its the news. Its been so worked up lately, that it must be still awake. If its cool with you guys, id just like to take a moment to put the news to bed. Its time for goodnight news. [ cheers and applause good night news good night new good night jimmy lets see if we can put this news to bed [ light laughter ] good night, 23 democrats now in the race like so and so, that other guy and, of course, whats his face [ laughter and applause good night indy 500. Ive never been so impressed, with someone whos job is to keep turning left. [ laughter and applause good night senior prom, stick your head out the window now put it back in and throw up in the limo. [ laughter and applause good night game of thrones, we have a new king he goes by the name of sir poland spring. [ laughter and applause good night billionaire paying off an entire classs student debt or as last years class put it, oh, man, what the f . [ laughter and applause good night bachelorette, the fun televised game wish i knew who to root for, but they all look the same [ laughter and applause and finally, good night aladdin. You were granted three wishes, and now that youre rich, its a whole new world bitches. [ cheers and applause good night news. [ cheers and applause good night news good night new good night [ cheers and applause jimmy hey, guys, its graduation season, and that means people are shopping for that perfect card for their graduate and while there are some great cards there are also some very unpopular ones that you should avoid. Ill show you what i mean. For instance, this first card says, good luck. Open it up, it says, paying your own cell phone bill. [ laughter and applause graduation card. Steve come on. Jimmy this card says, congrats grad, you just made your 68yearold dad carry an ikea couch down five flights of stairs. [ laughter and applause and finally, this card says, remember if at first you dont succeed, theres always running for president. There you guys have it [ cheers and applause finally, guys, its time for a show of hands. This is where we show what politicians are really doing with their hands while we think that theyre focused on giving speeches enjoy. [ cheers and applause i also believed that its turned out to be an asset that i come from a different generation i maybe dont look the part, in terms of having quite as many silver hairs as you would expect a president ial candidate to have. But at the same time, it says if that if you are a lower income Senior Citizen [ laughter ] you will not be able to get the one nutritious meal a day you now receive through the meals on Wheels Program for the help you desperately need my grandfather finnegan said, he used to say, joey, youre labor from belt buckles and shoe sole. Thats how he was raised [ laughter ] and theres no labor leaders done a better job. And mike, were in there working hard, right . And were getting it done. Like very few have gotten it done before. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause were doing really well as a a country. Jimmy did you guys see this yesterday at a white house event, President Trump tried to say the word inconvenient. But he had a little trouble saying it. Just check this out. And then respectfully said, sorry to inconvenesh inconvenience you, and left the room [ laughter and applause jimmy incon anyways, we notice trump has trouble pronouncing things all the time so with that in mind, its time to play, talk like trump. Here we go [ cheers and applause talk like trump talk like trump jimmy so heres how this works. Im going to see if anyone can guess how the president is going to mispronounce a simple word if you get it right, you get a a prize. If you get it wrong, you still get a prize. [ light laughter ] all right, raise your hand if you want to play talk like trump. [ cheers and applause right in the front right in the front, right here stand up, buddy. Hey, how you doing im good, how are you jimmy good you almost held it, but all right. [ light laughter ] no, go for it. Yeah, its you, all you. Whats your name my names kyle. Jimmy kyle, where are you from im from new jersey jimmy yeah, thats what im talking about. [ cheers and applause welcome. We love new jersey, thank you, buddy. I love it too jimmy in this first clip, President Trump is going to say the word nascar. Okay. Jimmy how is he going to mispronounce nascar . All right, im just going to say mascar [ light laughter ] mascar jimmy mascar mascar. Jimmy mascar mascar. [ light laughter ] is he going to say mascar . Lets see what he said at the end of his championship race, joey celebrated by placing little hudson inside of the very nascare [ laughter ] jimmy nascare. [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] [ applause ] very close nascare. Theres your nascare tshirt thank you so much for playing. [ cheers and applause very close who wants to play talk like trump . Yeah, hey. Get up hi hi. Jimmy whats your name rachel. Jimmy rachel, where are you from georgia jimmy rachel from georgia, welcome. Our next clip is very simple trump tries to say the word factory. Okay how do you think hell mispronounce factory fafafactry. [ laughter ] jimmy factry factry. Jimmy fafafafactry. All right, its almost like a max headroom, southern max headroom a fafafafactry. [ laughter ] lets see if trump says fafafactry people take 10, 15, 20 years to get this approved through a a fractory they go in for a [ buzzer ] jimmy very close fractory well, heres your tshirt anyways. Thank you for playing. [ cheers and applause appreciate it. Somebody up here hey, bud how you doing . Lets see, here. Hold that. Whats your name, where are you from im gary and im from new jersey as well jimmy gosh, big new jersey in the crowd i love it. [ cheers and applause i love jersey. In our final clip, trump tries to say natural gas how do you think hell mispronounce natural gas nurture girls nurture girls. [ laughter ] jimmy wow nurture girls. By the way, thats the band we have booked for next week. We have nurture girls. [ laughter ] they havent gotten together in years. Lets see what he says will he say nurture girls . This quarter, the United States produced record amounts of oil and national gah. I will tell you. [ buzzer ] jimmy he said national gah he said national gah there your national gah tshirt. [ fog horn ] [ cheers and applause thank you, jimmy. Jimmy thank you very much for playing. National gah that was talk like trump. Thanks to all of our players well be right back with more of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause wireless is full of awards. Number one in Overall Network performance. 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[ cheers and applause announcer from the breathtaking pool deck of his miami mansion, paulo montenegro presents legends. [ cheers and applause jimmy good afternoon, and welcome to legends. I am paulo montenegro, proprietor of this 2,000 acre estate, and owner of the hundreds of wellbehaved zoo animals that roam here amongst my butlers, chefs, and tennis court ball boys. [ laughter ] but my many fortunes and accomplishments amount to nothing more than the stench of a wandering drifter when compared to this man this man, who is a gift to the human race so please join me in welcoming my guest, my dear friend, and a true legend mr. Armando gabrielle gabriellm. [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, gabrielle. Armando. Hey [ laughter ] jimmy armando. Its so good to see you. Yes, please the good to see you is all mine jimmy i offer you my finest woven pool chair i graciously accept your cushion masterpiece. [ laughter ] ah jimmy ah ha ha ha. Jimmy but first, let me get this off my chest. What . Jimmy i am so deeply unworthy of sitting inches away from a legend such as yourself no. No, my friend. You are the legend come on. Jimmy but how could i possibly be the legend when the person who befalls my underserving gaze is the true legend listen to me one time only. The only way you could be looking at the legend is if i were holding up a mirror so you could see your own reflection. [ laughter ] yeah, there you go jimmy put that away. Ah, come on ha ha ha ha. Jimmy however magnificent your mirrors design and craftsmanship may be, one of the two people here one of them is a legend, and the other is me. No no [ laughter ] the legend is you. Okay youve conquered empires you tame beasts. You swam across the Atlantic Ocean using nothing but a yacht. You are the legend [ laughter ] jimmy but you once crawled through the desert for eight straight years, arrived in las vegas, and won 600 at the Jerry Maguire slot machine, which you spent on front row seats to criss angel mindfreak. [ laughter ] you are the legend all right i hear you you have taught babies to grow and roosters to crow you have jet skied with a dolphin with his flippers holding your muffin top all the way to Club Latitude [ laughter ] jimmy i hold not even the most scented of candles to your generosity you donated your testicles to the smithsonian and refused to sign for the package when they sent them back [ laughter ] ah, this is true. But you won 1,500 tickets at chuck e. Cheese. But instead of spending it on a dartboard, you gave your tickets to a little boy. And that boy grew up to be a a man. And that mans name is george stephanopoulos. [ laughter ] jimmy you once slipped a a note under your neighbors door asking them to keep it down, but were able to straddle the line between passive aggressive and straight up rude, so they still like you [ laughter ] you once took a shower on an airplane and you were not in first class and there was no shower [ laughter ] jimmy i must toast to a legend i have no choice but to do the same jimmy sergio [ claps [ laughter and applause please. Mr. Montenegro mr. Gabriellemente i beg you to take the wine from this tray, for in your presence i am but a smudge of sweat on the ball sack of an elderly tennis instructor [ laughter ] as he unwinds in the sauna of the Fort Lauderdale marriott harbor beach resort and spa. [ laughter ] his sack, as we know, is asymmetrical and i must tell you, i reside on the droopier half when standing in the midst of such legends jimmy Sergio Sergio dial it down maybe 18 to 20 yes, i shall give you 19 [ cheers and applause both a toast to the legend jinx [ laughter ] jimmy you are the legend when you rent a car, you figure out where the windshield wipers are on the first try [ laughter ] you eat coal and poop diamonds jimmy you eat skittles and poop rainbows. [ laughter ] you eat raisins and poop grapes jimmy you eat poop and poop food, then you eat that food and poop poop. [ laughter ] you are a legend i am not a legend it is not i. Jimmy you are the legend it is you you are the legend ah jimmy well, my producer mark is giving me the wrap it up signal, so i am ashamed to say all right jimmy we must wrap it up yes jimmy but not before i sing say goodbye jimmy the song of the legend yes you are a legen and i do not deserve to sing with you no you are the legend and i should be spanke for even being near you legen legend legend legend legen legend legend legend e [ cheers and applause jimmy see you next week on legends. [ cheers and applause wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest stars in the secret life of pets 2, which opens in theaters june 7th please welcome, the one and only, dana carvey. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy dana, no i told maria that i would not get goofy. Jimmy dana, no you get me goofy. Jimmy dana, we have to get oh, my god, i just want to let go of that sketch. Jimmy we just have to let [ light laughter ] we have to we have to get goofy we have to get goofy. Jimmy we have to get [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] jimmy you come on, you get goofy on me. [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] ad lib . [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] im doing a recap of the last sketch. [ laughter ] to people tuning in jimmy that you for doing legends with two legends, dana carvey and robert smigel. That was the silliest thing ive ever done [ laughter ] that was the craziest ive ever done jimmy ill tell you what made me laugh, i was so psyched to see you, i saw you at the oscars with mike meyers. I know, isnt that cool jimmy were you nervous at all . I was i didnt if i said, look if im going to the academy awards, its been 27 years, so i would be like a a hundred the next time id be invited. So i got a tuxedo that was many of thousands of dollars. I said, i just want to look like clooney they kept going, really . Yep, clooney. And then i got the bill, i go, oh, thats a clooney. [ laughter ] jimmy did you have good seats . I was in the Third Row Center freakily i was right behind mike, and i was right there seeing Bradley Cooper singing with gaga it was really a trip because i had such a viewpoint i saw bradley really get set on the stool. And he starts his first line how you doing girl you know and he hits it pretty good [ light laughter ] i know, i can sing what can i tell you . [ laughter ] so then they go around the piano and i h