[ laughter and applause ] following multiple allegations of sexual harassment, representative john conyers announced today that he would not seek reelection, and endorsed his son to replace him in congress. While President Trump has endorsed his son to replace him in the russia investigation. [ laughter ] take eric, hes the one you want. Father, no [ applause ] President Trump and first lady melania hosted the Congressional Ball today at the white house. Look at her. She doesnt look like shes having a ball, even when shes literally having a ball. [ laughter and applause ] one of the largest diamonds in the world sold at auction in new york yesterday, bringing in 6. 5 million. But i still dont think his wife is going to forgive him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] an italian winery is releasing five limited Edition Bottles of hello kitty themed wine for the holiday season. Its the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. [ laughter ] 227 pounds of bologna were recently seized at the u. S. mexico border. Incidentally, 227 pounds of bologna was also the result of President Trumps last physical. [ laughter and applause ] its a very its a very impressive meat. The musical adaptation of Spongebob Squarepants premiered on broadway last night. Finally, an entertainer with his pants on [ cheers and applause ] thank you dont disappoint us, spongebob according to a new poll, 71 of american men believe they face pressure to act interested in sports. Not us, said the new york giants. [ laughter and applause ] a group in spain recently discovered a time capsule hidden in the buttocks of a wooden statue of jesus while taking the statue down for restoration. Ive been trying to get mine out for years, said the thinker. [ laughter and applause ] tonight is krampus night. So if you see someone crawling in through your window and terrorizing your kids, thats roy moore [ laughter and applause ] apple released a new feature yesterday that now allows iphone users to send money to each other through the messages app. And once again, were getting screwed by auto correct. [ laughter ] and finally, this is very exciting. Thanks to a new, recently developed technology, we here at late night now have for the First Time Ever the ability to record the inner voice that is in Donald Trumps head. So here is the tiny voice in the back of Donald Trumps head. In oil fields, they flare up hey, donald, its me. The tiny voice in the back of your head. And i have a question. Are you bored as [ bleep ] . Because you look bored as [ bleep ]. Look at you. This guy is talking. You dont care at all. What are you doing . Are you peeking at his notes . [ laughter ] whats the point of peeking at his notes . You cant even read. [ laughter ] peeking at his notes like a loser. Trying to get through this, trying to get back to the golf course. You hate this so much. All right, lean in, like you care. You dont care. You dont care at all. Youre miserable. Oh, also, the tiny voice in the back of your butt just told me something. You need to fart. You need to fart, and you cant, cause youre at a podium with the king of frenchland, or wherever this guy is from. Hold it in, make that mouth where youre holding in a fart. That tiny fart mouth. Make it, make it. Oh, you let it out. [ cheers and applause ] seth we have a great show for you guys tonight hes starring in the new film the shape of water. Michael shannon is here this evening. [ cheers and applause ] theyre two of our favorites. They star in the fantastic Comedy Central show, broad city. Ilana glazer and Abbi Jacobson are back tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and music from a fantastic americana band, hiss golden messenger is here. So, youre here on a fantastic evening. [ cheers and applause ] before we get to that, many of President Trumps nominees to top government positions have been questionable, but perhaps none more so than his choice to head the department of energy, rick perry, who once wanted to abolish the very agency hes now leading. So we decided to take a break from the breaking news of the day and see how hes been doing. Its time for the check in. [ cheers and applause ] [ ding ding ] seth now, most people were probably surprised that donald trump nominated former governor of texas rick perry to lead the department of energy, as he was once trumps rival in trying to get the republican nomination for president in 2016. In fact, perry even called trumps candidacy a cancer on conservatism. And trump countered with some of his trademark insult comedy. I see rick perry the other day. And hes so you know, hes doing very poorly in the polls. He put glasses on so people will think hes smart. [ light laughter ] it just doesnt work. You know, people can see through the glasses. But hes got the glasses, the whole deal. Oh, oh, oh, trump. Seth the list of reasons to dislike trump is long, i know. But im going to add the laziness of his impressions. [ speaking gibberish ] [ light laughter ] that could be anybody. [ light laughter ] meanwhile, youve got marco rubio. [ speaking gibberish ] then ted cruz is like, eh. [ light laughter ] now, the great irony in perrys nomination perhaps lost only on trump is that the department of energy is one of the agencies perry said he wanted to abolish in 2011 when he was running for president. That is, before he forgot it was the agency he wanted to get rid of. Its three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. Commerce, education, and the whats the third one there . Lets see. You cant name the third one . The third agency of government i would do away with, the education, the commerce. Commerce. And lets see. Oh, my. I cant. The third one, i cant. Sorry. Oops. Seth now, that should have been it. [ laughter ] that should have been the last time anyone saw rick perry. Once you bill buckner a debate like that, you should be the answer to a trivia question, at best. The only thing worse would be if you straight up didnt know the voting age or when election day was. Those of you that are will be 21 by november the 12th, i ask for your support and your vote. Seth ugh [ laughter ] no, its 18 to vote, and election day was november 6th. So he didnt know the agency he wanted to abolish or when election day was or what the voting age is. But surely, surely rick perry knows where he is at any given time. There are many other states that embrace those conservative, uh values that the approach that we have taken over the years. Im in one today in florida. You look at south carolina. You look at florida. Youre in louisiana [ laughter ] seth okay. But that guys [ cheers and applause ] i know it seems like were piling on, but that has to be the most embarrassing clip of rick perry. Whats that . There are more . How many more . Thousands more . All right, well lets just go with one more for the sake of time. Rick perry ice ice baby [ cheers and applause ] seth thats the guy currently in charge of our nuclear arsenal. No, not vanilla ice. Vanilla ice would be a step up. [ laughter ] now, you would think that rick perry would take the time to familiarize himself with the kind of work the department of energy, whose budget exceeds 30 billion, does. But according to the New York Times when thenpresident elect trump offered perry the job, mr. Perry gladly accepted, believing he was taking on a role as the global ambassador for the american oil and gas industry. In the days after, mr. Perry discovered that he would be no such thing. In fact, he would become the steward of a vast National Security complex he knew almost nothing about, caring for some of the most fearsome weapons on the planet. Imagine finding out after you accepted a job the Job Description included managing nuclear weapons. I got pissed when i found out mine included animal segments. [ laughter ] so perry accepted a role hes confused about, and then somehow made it through the confirmation process. Although we shouldnt be surprised, as the senate also confirmed betsy devos for secretary of education, already resigned tom price for secretary of health and human services, and a haunted doll as secretary of commerce. [ light laughter ] but we would hope that once he officially had the job, perry would try to learn more from someone like his predecessor, dr. Ernest moniz, a Nuclear Physicist. Interesting fact moniz became a Nuclear Physicist when his High School Guidance counselor took a look at him and said, its either that or ben franklin impersonator. [ laughter ] but according to a source cited in a vanity fair report from july, perry barely spent any time with moniz. According to the reporters sources, he writes that perry has no personal interest in understanding what we do and affecting change, a d. O. E. Staffer told me in june. Hes never been briefed on a program. Not a single one, which to me is shocking. But in perrys defense, he doesnt really need to be an expert in Nuclear Energy when his boss already has such a good handle on it. You know what uranium is, right . Its a thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things. Seth perry saw that and thought, oh, hes already up to speed. Were good. But reports started surfacing back in the summer that perry had fallen out of favor with trump and that trump was actually looking to replace him. Which is also when this happened. Russias messing with u. S. Politicians again. But, this time, it is russian pranksters and they tricked secretary of energy, rick perry, into believing he was having a conversation with the ukrainian Prime Minister. Seth thats right. Russian pranksters pretending to be the Prime Minister of ukraine managed to have a more than 20 minute phone call with perry. A 20minute prank call. Even the jerky boys would say, hey, man, this is fun, but we have places to be. [ laughter ] and we dont know for sure how perry recovered from that and won trump back over. But it may have something to do with perrys new Controversial Energy proposal which would basically force consumers to subsidize old, failing coal and Nuclear Power plants that would otherwise likely be obsolete. According to reports and analysis, this plan would cost u. S. Taxpayers about 10. 6 billion a year and prop up some of the oldest and dirtiest power plants in the country. So why provide this preferential treatment to aging industries at the potential expense of millions of consumers . Well, according to reports, perrys plan would provide a windfall for a small group of companies, most strikingly one owned by coal magnate bob murray, a prominent backer of President Trump. Oh, yes, bob murray, the litigious coal tycoon, who apparently needs this administrations help so much, reports say that his company, murray energy, has publicly acknowledged that its future is dependent on whether perrys plan flies. Oof, imagine finding out your whole livelihood came down to rick perry. [ light laughter ] its like when the vietnam war came down to forrest gump. [ laughter ] but its not just perry. Of course, as with other government agencies, trump has made other questionable hires at the department of energy. Like bringing in eric trumps brotherinlaw, kyle yunaska, for example. Yunaska, who is the brother of eric trumps wife, lara trump, was recently promoted to the position of chief of staff for the Departments Office of Energy Policy and systems analysis. Sounds like a pretty important job for someone who must have an impressive background in Energy Policy. Well, according to newsweek, yunaskas alumni page from college doesnt mention anything about energy or Energy Policy. His linkedin page also made no mention of experience in the energy industry. Okay fine, but is there anything else on his resume that shows hes qualified . Lets see oh there reports say yunaska was named one of washington d. C. s hottest bachelors by the syndicated news magazine inside edition in 2013. And theres a picture. Thats him on the end. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] now for someone who works for the department of energy, its not exactly reassuring that he doesnt even have the energy to get off the ground. [ laughter ] so we have inexperienced leaders seemingly beholden to special interests, and family members getting top jobs at the department of energy. So at this point, if something goes wrong, the only explanation i guess we should expect is, uh whats the elegant phrase im looking for . Oops. Seth thats what i thought. This has been the checkin. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with michael shannon, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ applause ] seth before we move on, i just wanted to take a moment to mention our sponsor masterpass. Masterpass by mastercard is the modern way to pay online, instore and on your phone. And all they asked in return for their sponsorship was for me to say their name. So here we go. Masterpass, masterpass, masterpass. I seriously, cant believe its this easy, masterpass. 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Expect great savings and a whole lot more. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on drums, hes played with bad religion, tenacious d, and now with multiplatinum rock band avenged sevenfold, who were just honored with their first ever grammy nomination for the stage. Hes also got a u. S. Tour kicking off in january. Brooks wackerman is here, everybody thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a talented actor you know from boardwalk empire and films like revolutionary road and nocturnal animals. He stars in the shape of water, which is playing in new york city now and in limited theaters friday. Lets take a look. Let me say this up front. You clean that lab. You get out. The thing we keep in there is an affront. Do you know what an affront is, zelda . Something offensive . Thats right. And i should know. I dragged that filthy thing out of the river muck in south america all the way here. And along way, we didnt get to like each other much. Seth please welcome to the show, michael shannon, everyone [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome thank you. Seth were very happy to have you here. Nice to be here. Seth im a fan of yours for a long time, and i really enjoyed this film. Its a strange, beautiful film. You speak of a creature in the clip. But tell us a little bit. Cold war yes. Its set in the early 60s. The facility, the lab, is in baltimore. Just outside of baltimore. And, yes, my character, im a colonel in the army. And i go down and find this thing in the amazon river. And were trying to figure out what makes it work. Its an amphibious being. It can be in the water and the land. And its kind of tied into the cold war. The americans and the russians trying to figure out if there is anything any kind of advantage they can get from this creature. Seth you know, a lot of creatures these days are cgi. That is not the case in this film. And you were very cruel to the creature, which may be difficult, because this was an actual there was an actor in here the whole time. Oh, yeah, there was a fella in there, doug jones. If youre familiar with guillermo del toros movies, doug has played several creatures for guillermo. Seth yeah, pans labarinth and hell boy. The one with the eyes in the hand. I dont know if that means anything to you. But, yeah, doug is kind of ive described him as guillermos monk. And guillermo seems to like that description. He kind of guillermo comes up with the most fantastical beings imaginable. And doug makes them a reality along with, obviously, the design of the costume. But i think the main pain doug experienced was in his knees. Cause he had to spend a lot of time on his knees in the lab. I dont think as far as i can tell, we dont have any sour grapes between us. Seth oh, thats good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] seth like, when it was all over, he didnt sort of passive aggressively talk about his knees . No, no, no. [ light laughter ] hes a very thin, thin man. And the suit is like made out of rubber. So its basically like kneeling on a dish sponge for, you know, five hours. Thats what i mean, hes like a monk. Hes just very, you know he c