Neither do i and this guy definitely doesnt know. As Hurricane Irma hit the caribbean this morning President Trump tweeted, hurricane looks like largest ever recorded in the atlantic. Hey, man, could you try not to sound so excited . [ laughter ] its a hurricane, not the game of thrones finale. Speaking about Hurricane Irma, today President Trump said, quote, it looks like it could be something that will be not good. [ light laughter ] something that will be not good. You know, i have to say when a Natural Disaster is bearing down on our country it would be nice to hear from a leader who knows more words than tarzan. [ laughter ] hurricane bad. [ cheers and applause ] much wind. Not good. Cheetah save. [ light laughter ] deep cut. President trump tweeted this morning that his team is already in florida in anticipation of Hurricane Irma, saying, quote, no rest for the weary. Which explained his followup tweet. [ laughter and applause ] when asked today if he is considering military action against north korea, President Trump told reporters, certainly, thats not a first choice, but we will see what happens. Which is scary because trump doesnt usually go with his first choice. [ audience groans ] [ cheers and applause ] in response to criticisms in Hillary Clintons upcoming book, Bernie Sanders said its appropriate to look forward and not backward. Though if anyone should know, you sometimes have to look back to see the future, its bernie. [ cheers and applause ] new Research Claims that vegetarians and vegans are more likely to be depressed than carnivores. Im not surprised. Even the places they eat sound depressed. [ laughter ] what do you guys have here . Just salad. [ light laughter ] and finally, five nurses were suspended from the Denver HealthMedical Center yesterday after admiring the size of a dead patients genitals. I dont know how he died, but it sounds like he was hung. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. He is the host of the daily show on comedy central. One of our favorites, trevor noah is back on the show so excited to talk to trevor. [ cheers and applause ] she is starring in the fantastic new hbo series the deuce, Maggie Gyllenhaal is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] so youre here on a good night. Before we get to that, in published excerpts from her new book entitled what happened, Hillary Clinton blames Bernie Sanders for causing lasting damage to her during the primaries that she says paved the way for President Trumps crooked hillary campaign. Which brings us to a segment we call, hey [ cheers and applause ] seth hey, Hillary Clinton dont blame bernie because donald trump called you names. I promise you he was gonna do that anyway. [ laughter ] its not like trump watched bernie at the debates and thought, criticizing hillary, that just might work. [ laughter ] and hey you think trump needed bernies permission to be an asshole . Assholes dont ask for permission. Thats what makes them assholes. [ light laughter ] and hey why are you wasting pages on bernie . Do you think hes gonna read this . Hes not. First off, hes not a fan, second off, bernies not paying 17. 99 for a book. [ laughter ] thats like four and a half chicken noodle soups. Ill read that book for free when its at my local library and hey, bernie is not the reason you lost. You know how i know that . You beat trump by three million votes. [ cheers and applause ] if you want to blame something ancient, blame the electoral college. We shouldnt be running the most important elections on earth on a system designed over 200 years ago to appease slave owners. If American Idol ran their voting like this, wed all have a sanjaya cd in our cars. [ light laughter ] hey, youre not president , but that is not bernies fault. Hes the one guy you did beat. Also he didnt tell you not to go to wisconsin. He didnt tell you to do paid speeches to wall street. And he didnt write this terrible joke for you. I dont know who created pokemon go [ cheers ] but im trying to figure how we get them to have pokemon go to the polls. [ groans ] seth that joke was so bad, people stopped playing pokemon go. People heard that joke and went, welp, back to minecraft. [ laughter ] you also said in your book that bernies ideas were nothing more than a pipe dream. Hey, im not sure if youve been paying attention, but pipe dreams paid off great in 2016. Trump won by saying he was going to build a wall. You should have said you were going to build a stairway to heaven or an escalator to mars that you were going to make the martians pay for. [ light laughter ] and hey, we are living through a very dark time in america, but there is also an unprecedented opportunity to pull democrats and liberals together and to stand against the hate and incompetence in washington. The best way to do this is to get the people who voted for you and the people who voted for bernie on the same page. This isnt the time to complain because senator woodstock didnt roll over for you. Hey, if anything, he helped make you a better candidate. You know, the candidate who beat donald trump by three million votes. [ cheers and applause ] this has been hey [ cheers and applause ] seth you know, we dont always have enough time to cover all the recent news. So here with a recap is one of our writers, amber ruffin, in a segment we call amber says what. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, things have been crazy first of all, Hurricane Harvey caused so much devastation that i was, like, what . Then americans banded together and raised millions to help the victims, and i was, like, what, what . [ light laughter ] then, they were, like, oops here come 18 more storms and i was, like, what . [ light laughter ] and after harvey, trump didnt visit houston right away, and everyone was, like, what . [ laughter ] then he did and his wife wore fiveinch heels and i was, like, what [ laughter ] kind of flood are you going to . Then she wore a flotus hat and i was, like, what . [ laughter ] then i found out that hat is for sale. And i was like, who [ laughter ] else needs a flotus hat . You are literally the only flotus on earth [ laughter ] that would be like if the nbc store sold a hat that said the black lady who works for late night with seth meyers. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, would you wear it . Okay. Then, nintendo announced that super mario is officially no longer a plumber and i was, like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what . [ laughter ] then i got worried for him and i was, like, what, what, what, what, what . [ laughter ] no, but seriously, r. I. P. Plumber mario. What, what, what, what, what, what. Then [ cheers and applause ] yeah what, what, what, what, what. Then i saw that in utah, that cop dragged that nurse out of that hospital for no reason and i was, like, what do you think she is, a black person . [ cheers and applause ] thats not what we meant when we were talking about equality. Also, you know there are no black people in your state when even the nurses are white. [ laughter ] you dont want to buy the hat anymore . Thats fine. It wasnt for sale anyway. Then i read astronaut Peggy Whitson just got back to earth after 665 days of being off the planet. She must have gotten to earth, looked around and been like, what the [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] this has been amber says what. [ cheers and applause ] seth amber ruffin, everybody. Well be right back with trevor noah. [ cheers and applause ] what would you do if you had even more time to explore . Book your next stay through the fine hotels and resorts program and enjoy a world of benefits with the platinum card. Open up the world with platinum. Backed by the service and security of american express. Backed by the service and security of american express. Ladies and gentleman this is a robbery. What are you doing after this . The all new 2018 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody, and give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on the drums a renowned player from right here in new york city, Allison Miller, everybody [ cheers and applause ] always great having you back, allison. Our first guest tonight hosts the daily show weeknights on comedy central. Please welcome back to the show our friend trevor noah, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Wow thank you very much. Seth i am so happy youre here. How are you, sir. Seth i am very impressed with your scheduling. Youre going to do the show, your show after this. Right, right, right. Seth so thank you so much for making time for us. The last time i saw you, you were telling me about buying stuff for your baby and then i went out and bought stuff for your baby. Seth yeah. I made a subtle i subtly dropped a hint to you that you should buy me something for my baby. I have a baby. I need stuff. Im like, okay. [ laughter ] all right. Seth thank you so much. Well, i am so happy to see you since the last time i saw you because, you know, trump talks about fake news a lot. Right. Seth you were also a victim of fake news which is better than being a victim of what this said. I read that you were shot dead recently. And [ laughter ] were you shocked when you read this . I was. I was. Seth yeah. Because i do the shooting. Seth yeah. I was thrown back. You know whats weird is when you see that and you dont know about it. Youre the last person to know about it. Seth right. So everyone, like, phones you and then everyone could, like, be phoning your family. And then weirdest is when people send you a text going, dude, are you dead . Seth yeah. [ laughter ] and i always go i go like, what do you think im going to [ light laughter ] so sometimes i just dont reply. Seth yeah. And then, its like, whatever. Seth they slowly piece together. This is very bad news. Yeah. But i mean, thats the internet. Welcome to fake news. Seth welcome to fake news. You and i are both in the business of talking about politics. Yes. Seth so right now were talking about the president a lot. Right. Seth ive heard you say that you actually relate to him not as a politician, but you relate to him as a standup comedian. Well, i think thats a part donald trump i relate to. You know, i always think we try and put donald trump into one box. And i think he lives in many boxes. [ laughter ] one of them being the box that hes a standup comedian. You probably see it in him. Like, he goes out, he practices his jokes, he works on his material. You can see him trying it out. Seth yes. [ light laughter ] like, hed be like, what do you think, sheriff arpaio, what do you think . What do you think . [ laughter ] seth yeah. And you can feel, hes like, yeah. And the crowd cheers and hes like, oh, im working on that bit. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] im working on that bit. He, like, works the material. He grows it. He goes out there. Seth yeah. And then you can feel when its starting to get old, like, hes like, whos going to pay . Mexico [ light laughter ] and some jokes you feel the crowd sort of like, yeah, yeah, new jokes. New jokes. We get it. [ light laughter ] seth and it is true, like, because build the wall, i feel like that was just a bit that crushed. That was it. That was it. Seth and then now he realizes he has to build a wall. Yeah. [ light laughter ] seth and it was just a killer comedy bit. Well, can you imagine if we had to do the things we said in our jokes. Seth exactly i mean, that would be, i would be like, i dont want to be a comedian anymore. Seth yeah. If larry the cable guy actually had to geter done [ laughter ] life would be impossible. Do you have any notes on his performance . Look, i mean, just work on new material. Try something new. I was impressed with him today, like, working with the democrats. That shook everybody up. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] that was i was like, okay, okay, thats something different. Thats something new. Seth yeah. And, you know, republicans were, like, wait, im sorry, the what . The what . The who . [ laughter ] even democrats are like, you want to work with us . You want to work with [ laughter ] yeah, this is new. Seth i mean, do you think democrats, when that happens, feels like is this some weird prank when he reaches out to be helpful . I dont know. I dont know. I think people are just, like, just do it. Just do it now while hes, like, here. Just do it. Seth yeah. You know, because trump goes, i walk into a room and lets make a deal and lets speak. And i think chuck shumer know him well enough. Because, i mean, they used to hang out in new york. Seth yeah, theyre new york rats. And hes like, yeah, lets do it, chuck. Lets just do the deal. And then he walks out and he goes to the republicans and hes like, i made a deal. Youre going to love it. [ laughter ] seth yeah. And Mitch Mcconnell probably got so angry his neck started wobbling. He was just like [ laughter and applause ] seth and there is its scary. Obviously a lot of people are scared by trump but you do you see some humor in it, as well. Well, heres the tough thing. You know, people say to me, they go, like, why would you guys laugh . Why would you two things, first of all, ive had the, you know, the pleasure and i guess ive been blessed enough to travel the world, see many countries. There are many countries ive been to where people dont have free speech and one of biggest things that an authoritarian leader tries to remove from you is the ability to make jokes about them. You know, in south africa you couldnt tell jokes about the government during apartheid and thats something that i cherish. Like, a person is less frightening when you are laughing. It doesnt diminish what they do, but its how we cope with these situations. And so for me, you know, when i look at donald trump i go, he is a paradox for me emotionally. On the one hand i am terrified of the notion that hes the president of the most powerful nation in the world. On the other hand, i know that im going to wake up and hes going to make me laugh. Like the two things [ laughter ] seth yeah. They coexist. [ applause ] seth yeah. They coexist. So, like this is the way i put it. This is the way i like to think of it like this. I like to think of it like donald trump is basically hes an asteroid headed towards the earth and [ light laughter ] its an asteroid, but its shaped like a penis. [ laughter and applause ] seth thats a very good way of putting it, yeah. Yeah. Seth it was like, oh, no exactly. [ laughter ] seth yeah, right. Thats what i want. Thats all i want. Seth what do you because you are so welltraveled, what do you think when you see him talking to World Leaders of other countries . Im like i thank god that we dont all speak english around the world. [ laughter ] you dont understand what a difference it makes. Like, i remember traveling to the middle east and i was like, arent you guys terrified . Like hes loud and hes crazy. And theyre like, oh, no. It just the people are like, it just sounds like hes speaking arabic in english. That is all. [ laughter ] because, like, arabic is like [ speaking Foreign Language ] and then donald trump is like [ speaking Foreign Language ] and people are just like, oh its, like, yeah. I get it. Its a cultural thing. Seth yeah. I dont think you understand how cultural it is. Like, you travel around the world and there are some places where they dont think of donald trump as being as crazy because they dont understand the nuances. In english, hes completely bonkers. Seth yeah. Right . [ light laughter ] once you translate him you find that, like, he just he loses half of his madness. [ laughter ] not all, but half. Seth we should every morning translate him into some other language and then have it translated back to us. [ laughter ] just to take the edge off of it. Youre going to stick around. Were going to talk a little bit more. Im right here. Seth well be right back with more from trevor noah, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] girl . On it. Found it imitating explosion okay, so lets. Stop. Dont mess it up squeaking ahhhh eeee all right. chuckle nice come on, dad, lets go for those who know what theyre really building. Always unstoppable. For those who know what theyre really building. Bill assumed his mayo was the best choice. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brand, kraft real mayo is made with high Quality Ingredients at a price you can feel good about no wonder kraft is so good. Yo and you probably do. Rt youre a beautiful thing. Sc johnson. Dad molly, can you please take out the trash . sigh dad molly trash whoo mom hey, molly . Its time to go bell ringing class, lets turn to page 136, recessive traits skip generations. Who would like to read . molly i reprogrammed the robots to do the inspection. Its running much faster now. See . Its amazing, molly. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back to late night. Were here with trevor noah. So with your travels, particularly, you just were in south africa. Right. Seth how do you feel like the South African perception of the United States has changed as we shifted president s . I dont want to start any wars, but i do feel when traveling home to south africa and to many countries, people almost enjoy that americas going through donald trump. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] like, i know its but not in like a bad lot for the country, just for the idea. Because you must remember, america for a long time, has been the coolest kid and like just the richest kid in the world. Seth yeah. The only thing most people in the world have had over america is the president s. So, when it was george bush, people were like, you got everything, but haha. Seth yeah. You get what im saying. And then obama comes and then its like, well, this is not fair now. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] like your president is basically like your dad. The dad of your country, and so your dads got to be quirky and funny. Your friends make fun of you. Right, because youre rich. Seth yeah. And youre famous. And then your dad is like this cool black