You know, they held the world series at a neutral site in texas to protect the teams from covid19. And it almost worked. Dodgers third baseman, justin turner, was mysteriously pulled from the game after the seventh inning because his covid test results came back positive. Why they didnt find out until the game was almost over i have no idea. Major League Baseball might want to invest in some slightly more rapid tests for the players. Turner took all the necessary precautions, he left the field for 20 minutes, then came right back out on the field. [ laughter ] here he is after the game. Good news is he was wearing the masks, one of those n95 no, wait, no, i guess he wasnt. He had the mask on his ears. At least he wasnt holding the trophy that everyone touched oh, he was. Actually, the important thing is he wasnt hugging any of the guys oh, he was. So he did do some hugging, but he didnt kiss anyone on the mouth oh, wait a minute. Except for his wife. Who is now definitely positive too. Well, you know what . Theres no i in team, but theres an i in ventilator. Hopefully it was a false positive and hell be fine. After the game, dodgers fans oneupped him. They took to the streets. Its funny, because for whatever reason, some people dont seem to understand that celebrating does not protect you from the virus. Immediately after that last out, covid19 took a back seat to the joy of being a winner. Jimmy it did . [ laughter ] yeah, covids in the back seat making owl with your girlfriend, thats what a winner you are. Finally, how many of my neighbors have fireworks . The answer is, all of them. [ laughter ] where theyre getting them, i dont know, i havent seen a fireworks stand since july. Are they selling bottle rockets on etsy . Its confusing to me. There were hundreds of thousands of fireworks last night. Every home in los angeles was firing, which is insane, because there are still wildfires forcing people to evacuate their homes. But that didnt stop the fans from rebooting the fast and the furious tokyo drift. Did this guy not only doing doughnuts, doing doughnuts on top of fireworks, which of course caught his car on fire. Dont worry, he survived, and hell probably have a lot of children. But there was vandalism, looting, dumpster fires. Basically a Trump Administration broke out in the streets of los angeles. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations to the dodgers. You almost killed us, but you won. The other celebration getting attention is Kim Kardashians tropical birthday bash. You may have seen on instagram, for her 40th birthday, Kim Kardashian rented an island and brought everyone she knows to it. This is the post that got everyone crazy. After two weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, i surprised already not a surprise i surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were thunderstorm for a brief moment in time. Before you call her tone deaf, she followed that with, we danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach, so much more. I realize that for most people this is something that is so far out of reach right now, so in moments like these im humbling reminded of how privileged my life is. Shes humbly reminded. This is a humble reminder. For those who spent your birthday this year eating a ding dong alone in your apartment . [ laughter ] Kim Kardashian is humbly reminded. [ applause ] i wonder if anyone told her shes allowed to have a party and not post pictures of it. The backlash has been fierce. People really went nuts on this one. Theyre saying this could potentially derail kanyes president ial campaign. [ laughter ] which would be a shame. The election is five days away. Guillermo did you vote last night like you said you were going to . Guillermo uh jimmy no, you did not. Were going to the box after the show tonight. Guillermo after the show, i promise. Jimmy because of the problems with the Postal Service, namely, someone uprooting all the maim boxes, its much safer, they say, to drop your ballot off at an official collection box to mic sure it gets there in time. This is proof. This is something i got delivered to my house yesterday, a christmas card. I mailed this in december of last year. I guess it didnt have the apartment number on it, so they returned to sender. I just got it, almost 11 months later. Locally, too. If you can avoid it, dont mail your ballot. Find a drop box, put it in there. One of the reasons people are so confused about whether or not to trust the Postal Service is because theres a guy out there giving us mixed messages on it. The post office has been a mess for many, many generations. But for certainly decades. Well, theres no trouble with the Postal Service. Postal service is going to do a good job. The post office has been a disaster for many, many decades. Yeah the post office is running as well as it has in a long time. The post office is a catastrophe. The Postal Service, they do a great job. The Postal Service is a joke. The post office is running very well. The post office is stupid. [ laughter ] jimmy cant even agree with himself anymore. Last night trump was in nebraska. He had a big rally there. After the rally, hundreds of his supporters were stranded for hours in the freeding cold, waiting for a bus to take them back to their cars. Trump left in air force one at 9 00. Many in attendance had to wait until almost midnight to get a ride back to their cars, and it was 27 degrees. It was a real mess. But thats the genius of donald trump. Hes able to assemble a large, maskless crowd during a pandemic, and while everybodys focused on whether or not theyll get the virus, some how he finds a way to send them to the hospital for a completely different reason. [ laughter ] the president was abrahaming it up in omaha. He taught a History Lesson on what it means to vote republican. A vote for republicans is a vote for the american dream. Its a vote for acknowledgement that Abraham Lincoln was a republican. Is that nice . People dont know that, a lot of people dont know that. Jimmy people dont know that. Whenever he says people dont know that, it means he didnt know that. [ applause ] trump had a rally in Bull Head City, arizona, where he compared himself to another beloved u. S. President. We love trump, we love trump thank you, thank you. Nobodys ever heard we all liked Ronald Reagan. Nobody said, we love you, we love you, we love you. He wouldnt get crowds like this. If Ronald Reagan, who i consider being top notch, if he came here, hed have a couple hundred people, legitimately. Jimmy what planet is this lunatic from . Who feels the need to compete with Ronald Reagan . Ronald reagan couldnt draw 200 people in Bull Head City . Ronald mcdonald could draw 200 people in Bull Head City. Theres nothing to do in Bull Head City, ive been there. [ applause ] this is interesting, members of trumps own Coronavirus Task force are said to be personally offended by a release from the white house yesterday that claimed among other things that the president ended the pandemic. The White House Office of science and Technology Policy put out a list of trumps achievements thus far. If you look closely youll see highlights include, ending the covid19 pandemic. Which, thats good news, youd think that would be [ laughter ] jimmy wont see that on msdnc. Also we got to hear some rare audio of trumps number one talking boy, adviserinlaw jared kushner, who was recorded by bob woodward, the writer who was writing a book about the president , and jared was boasting about how trump took control of the country back from the doctors. Thats right. He said trumps now back in charge. Its not the doctors. Which sounds like what your kidnapper tells you when you wake up in a bathtub full of ice and your liver is missing. Imagine them saying Something Like that out loud. Hes taken it back attention, passengers, unbuckle your safety belts, captain trump is in charge, were going to be landing the plane on a rock very soon. Jared also told bob woodward there would be a panic phase and a pain phase, which is exactly what he said to ivanka when he proposed to her. [ laughter ] does talking to bob woodward work out well for anybody . Maybe its time to rethink, take your soninlaw in workday. This election is driving us crazy. Its especially hard to talk politics with family and friends who dont share your views. Its become a very, very difficult thing. So in an effort to release some of the pressure, we gave some people on the street a chance to put on a mask and anonymously address those individuals in their lives with whom they disagree. Do you have anyone in your life whos been driving you crazy this election . Yeah. Great, now with that mask on so they wont know its you, give them a piece of your mind and let them know how you feel. Im so [ bleep ] sick and tired of listening to the [ bleep ] my sister keeps saying, this orange stain being the best thing to happen in this country, when we all know hes the worst thing. As i watched this beautiful nation of ours go down to the tubes, one bad policy after another, one piece of [ bleep ] coming into office aft sister t tell us what a great guy he is, youre a piece of [ bleep ], you little [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. They can all go [ bleep ] themselves, right . Yes. Jimmy im not sure, do we need any more than that . I dont know. [ cheers and applause ] just for the hell of it. Go on. I would like to say to you, dad, you are a [ bleep ] just like the man i hold the mask of. Just want to remind everybody to get out and vote and make a difference. I need you to listen. Youre supposed to be a christian. Yeah, you need some prayer. Because you all out of balance, okay . David, how can you [ bleep ] vote for a pig like that . He is not representative of the american people, he divides our country, hes an [ bleep ]. And vote the [ bleep ], [ bleep ] out. All right, pearl, thank you, youre great. Oh, you know, i really wish i wouldnt have done it. No, davids never going to know its you. [ applause ] jimmy all right, well, thanks, folks. Oh, we have a good show tonight. Gillian jacobs is with us. We have music from gracie abrahams. And well be right back with David Letterman, so stay with us its either the assurance of a 165point certification process. Or it isnt. Its either testing an array of advanced safety systems. Or it isnt. Its either the peace of mind of a standard unlimited mileage warranty. Or it isnt. For those who never settle, its either mercedesbenz certified preowned. Or it isnt. The mercedesbenz certified preowned sales event. Now through november 2nd. Shop online and build your deal today. What a special family special like my fudge stripes. Made with real original keebler fudge. Only elves can make cookies this good keebler® made with magic, loved by families™. fisherman vo ce how do i register to vote . Ential election. Keebler® made with magic, hmm . Hmm . Hmm . woman on porch vo can we vote by mail here . grandma vo youll be safe, right . daughter vo yes four girls vo the polls voted grandma vo go out and vote its so important man at poll vo woo grandma vo its the most important thing you can do time to make your disappointing breakfast your exfast. Cause wendys has your new breakfast love with a freshcracked egg on every sandwich and crispy oven baked bacon. Youll be telling everybody about the new breakfast youre seeing at wendys. Hurry in for the breakfast of your dreams today. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. The stronger, lastslonger. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. Into one delicious cereal . It took a lot of branstorming. Get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. Thplus, take an extra 20 off r 50 off or more save big with 50 off fleece for her. Kids jumping beans. And fall home musthaves plus, get kohls cash. Plus, Free Store Pick up. Let the gifting start. Shop kohls and kohls. Com. Could put cookies creme in twix. Twix this is a right twix. Excuse me. [screams into pillow] twix cookies creme. Faster, faster theyre gaining on you [engine revving] thats good come on come on [spooky laugh] okay now [yelling] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight, Gillian Jacobs is with us. Shes very talented. Later her ep, shes very talented too, its called minor. Gracie abrams will be with us. Tomorrow night, chris evans, music from Perfume Genius. From the los angeles dodgers, Cody Bellinger and Clayton Kershaw will join. I guess together, i dont know. I wonder if they got tested after justin turner. Guillermo i think they did. Jimmy why am i asking you as if you know . Guillermo i know about sports. Jimmy all right. Theres nothing like makes our first guest tonight less comfortable than a compliment. So lets just say hes the best and leave it at that. Season 3 of his fourth talk show called my next guest needs no introduction is on netflix now. Please welcome David Letterman [ ohoh. Oh, wow. Hi, jimmy jimmy i like that, an entrance. Yeah, i thought of that myself. Jimmy we dont see entrances anymore. I know. I got to tell you, im very excited to be here. Its thrilling. And thank you very much for having me on. Its great. I really appreciate it. [ laughter ] no, i do. Jimmy hey. I i want to point out that youre actually not here. But we wish you were here. Do you think you would have been okay with doing the show like this very video chat . No. Jimmy no, no, its no fun at all. No. I dont. I have trouble doing it traditionally. [ laughter ] i dont know what this would have been, and i admire you and everybody who has adopted and made this method of communication viable. Congratulations. Jimmy well you look great, by the way. Jimmy thank you, i appreciate it. You look great too. I think people have become not just accustomed to the beard, i think people have embraced the beard. Would you agree with that . Well, i was being embarrassed a lot more before the pandemic. [ laughter ] youre talking about the dodgers. Jimmy yeah. And congratulations. When i lived in los angeles, it was the dodgers in the 70s playing the yankees in the world series. Jimmy yep. You know the date of that . Jimmy 77 high 78, two years. 7778, yes. Tommy lasorda went to the ball game, met tommy lasorda. He wanted us to come to the clubhouse after the game. I felt very uncomfortable with that. Because tommy would always be there either naked or in his underpants. [ laughter ] i just thought i thats plenty, thanks, tommy. I can show myself out. [ laughter ] jimmy well, you see, thats one of the spoils of show business. You get to see tommy in his underpants. Yes. Jimmy so did you watch the game last night or did not watch the game . You know, im sorry, i forgot it was world series time. Jimmy no, its okay. Its not required. Its the tampa bay rays. Jimmy yeah. Then there was some controversy about a player who was supposed to be quarantined who decided he wasnt going to be quarantined. And there is no i in team bi. Jimmy thats right. [ laughter ] there is an i in ventilator. Thanks for picking me up. The biggest stretch of the monologue. [ laughter ] that was good. I mentioned how excited i am to be back in show business . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were all excited. I want to talk about ive seen all the episodes of your show. I want to talk about that in a bit. Im also curious, because youve gone some episodes, im sure theres some work you put into those, no doubt. But you dont have the schedule you used to have. I wonder like how youre how you spend your regular day. Because i have a theory. And that theory is that when youve got a person that was very busy, then all of a sudden that persons not that busy, that person becomes a dangerous person. I dont know how to substantiate this, but i believe this could be accurate. Jimmy okay, sure. Its certainly been accurate in my case. I have two responses for this, if i have time for two, your honor. Have laugh. Jimmy yes, yes. First is, i dont know if you get this, but between 6 00 and 7 00 at my house, i get a lot of phone calls on the line that never rings except between 6 00 and 7 00. And its always a very nice man or very nice woman wanting to send me on a cruise or wanting me to stay at a hotel somewhere. And i cant get enough of that. Because, you know, usually that could be the only phone calls of the week that i get. [ laughter ] they wonder who theyre talking to, i say, my name is larry. Okay, larry, would you be available . I need your credit card number. Its delightful, like being in a play. [ laughter ] then you just try to keep them engaged as long as possible, because you know theres a goon monitoring these phone calls and will just unplug them if its not going well. It usually comes two call killers. One, when they say, now this offer is good for two years for the cruise. And i say, oh im sorry, i cant be gone two years on a cruise. [ laughter ] click, theyre done. The other one is, okay, were going to need your credit card number. Now between you and me, i have no idea how many numbers are in a credit card number, so i just start out with 6, 9, 7, 2, 5. Then i hear in the background, thats not enough numbers. Okay, 4, 3 click, and im done. But sometimes, you know, i can sit down and have dinner while im chatting. [ laughter ] jimmy i like that. That could be a show. You could sell that to netflix, no question about it. Well, i want to tell you something. These netflix people have been so nice to me for reasons i dont understand. But theyre you know. Well, you know them. I saw you at a thing once sdl yeah, i came to see you interview zach galifianakis. I will tell you, i said, daves not going to be able to see me, does he know that im coming . They said, no, no, dont worry, you will not be a distraction in any way. Then about a month later somebody told me, dave was what the hell is jimmy kimmel doing in the front row . And i apologize for that. I didnt know. I was told specifically that you didnt know i was coming. Listen, listen to me, jimmy. If you live to be 1,000, you will never need to