That decide which emojis do and do not make it onto your phone, these are some for 2020. I dont know if they dont sum up 2020 i dont know what does. This is person with beard and woman with beard. That looks like emojesus. Even our emojis are letting themselves go. Ive had meetings with these people, ive filled out the forms and presented my case, still no meatball emoji. Sausage, dumplings, tacos, no meatballs. They have falafel and bundt cake, but no meatball. We need a new president , we really do. [cheers and applause] we have a fun show, jack black, tenacious d, is with us. And we will be joined by the cast of the show that dominated the emmies. Dan levy, they won all the emmies. Canadians havent swept like this since the world curling championships back in 2017. Their show, as you probably know, is called Schitts Creek, which is a problem for american broadcast television. The show up a creek whose name we cant say on morning tv. Cant say the name on tv but it involves the creek. Im not sure if were allowed to say the name. Our boss told us we cant say the name of the show. Renee doesnt want to get in trouble. It is spelled schitts. Cant say the name on tv but creek is in the title. It sounds like splits creek. Screek, screek is so good. Never seen blank creek. Can i say the name of the show . Yeah. Schitts creek. Jimmy thats the kind of courage we need right now in this country. [ applause ] so dumb. Today is National Voter registration day. This is the day to make sure youre registered and if not to get registered. Guillermo, are you registered to vote . Guillermo yes, jimmy. Jimmy will you be voting by mail or in person . Guillermo in person. Jimmy wait, we have to work that day, what will you do . Guillermo maybe go early. Jimmy the people who dont bother to register i find are usually the people who find time to vote on what the new pringles flavor should be. Its very important to register. If you dont register, you cant vote, and if you dont vote you cant get a seconder. Also theres a psychotic individual in the white house who could use some removing right now. [ applause ] its hard to believe we are only 42 days away from donald trump refusing to accept the results of an election. The other vote that could happen very soon is in the senate. The big question in washington right now is who will fill the vacancy left by ruth bader ginsburg. The president wrote, i will announce my pick, exact time tba. Theres nothing more exciting than him announcing hes going to make an announcement. Hes a real tbahole. He has the consent of his leastfavorite senator from utah, romney. So now were up mitts creek, too. As everyone knows, republicans blocked obama from appointmecho new justice. Now they said we cant wait, we have to get this done now. I fwowonder if the reason they revealed themselves as hypocrites has come to donald trump. They think hes going to lose. Mr. President , we need to make this happen before youre back at maralago, screaming at the housekeeping staff. So trump is moving very quickly on this. When it came to doing something about the virus that he knew was deadly, a virus that has now killed more than 200,000 of the americans he swore to protect, then he moved slower than eric doing the People Magazine crossword puzzle. But he isnt one to worry about a virus. He had a gig in ohio where he said covid affects virtually nobody. Its an amazing thing, which is insane. On top of that, something fishy is going on at the centers for disease control. On friday, the cdc posted some new guidelines for how covid is spread. They wrote, it is possible that covid19 may spread throughout droplets and airborne particles formed when a person who has it, coughs, sneezes, sings or breathes. They forgot yodels. But they can remain suspended in air and travel more than six feet, which is a big deal, even though we knew this, it was the first time a government website admitted it. That was on friday yesterday that paragraph about droplets was removed and replaced with this. A draft version of proposed changes was posted in error to the agencys official website. In other words, oops, we accidentally posted the truth. This is not the first time Something Like that has happened. Last month, the cdc changed their guidance from if you think youve been in contact with someone infected you should get tested to you should not be tested. Then there was a big outcry and they changed it back. Today they released new official guidance to hopefully clear things up. Hi, im donald rape, chief of viral epidemiology at the cdc, and i want to assure you that we were working around the clock to keep your family safe and to get you the information you need. First, know that this virus is highly contagious, and it is deadly. Correction. It is somewhat contagious and very dangerous. Kind of dangerous and actually not really a big deal at all. Next, the viruss primary means of transmission is through coughing or sneezing, and it can also be transmitted through aerosols, which are fine particles that hang in the air and are not anything you need to worry about, because the virus is not actually airborne after all. So good news there. In terms of prevention, social distancing is still critical, because studies show that most most scientists are nerds who dont want anyone to have any fun. Also, masks, i dont even know what this is. H hamburder, extra pickle. I guess thats it. Together we can beat this thing, stay safish, play it by ear, and never mind, its cured. And i just quit. [ bleep ] this. Jimmy you know, at least theyre stopping the spread of information. [ applause ] the cdc has also now strongly discouraged families from trick or treating this year, which is a bummer for kids, but i will say im fine with skipping halloween. Its hard to get excited for putting on a costume when weve been going to the super market dressed like beekeepers. I dont understand some of the precautions, you cant have water on your desk. We have zones a, b and c, plastic shields everywhere. We decided to have fun with our staff on the first day back. Yesterday we set up hidden cameras at the entrance of the building, we hired an actor to pose as our new health and Safety Officer and tested the patience of our unsuspecting coworkers. Whats your name and your call sign. Alec. What do you do here . Imam the stage manager. Oh, wow, what does that entail . Kind of managing the stage. Have you had diarrhea in the last six months . Thats a random question. Its possible, but i dont recollect it. These questions seem random, but theyre not. Blimey. Hello. Did you get this . Im sure i did. And i filled it all out and im good. So have you . I mean, theres more solid ones than lesssolid can you lift up your shirt real quick . A tummy temperature. And what is your name and call time . Guillermo rodriguez. Can you list your duties on the show, please . Im with jimmy, i talk to everybody. Im, i talk to everybody. Can you be more specific . What do you do here . Im the teleprompter guy. Oh, sounds like a very fun job. Uh, its stressful but fun. Any tips for breaking in . Im doing online film school right now. Dont. If theres anything else that will make you happy, do it. All right, i got to go get set up. Thanks, welcome back, get a haircut, you hippie. Can you describe your sneeze . About average. Large projectile . No. Can you take three steps back . Sure. Show me your sneeze. Mask on or off . Just pretend sneeze. Chooo. Thats it . How many times have you had diarrhea in the past six months . I havent had it in over a year. Okay. Will you take three steps back . Okay. And just show me what its like the last time you had diarrhea. What it was like . Yeah. Only group a can use the bathroom until 2 00 p. M. So very to wait until 2 00 p. M. To go to the bathroom . Yeah. Youre in zone a, right . Yes. 2 00 p. M. Uh, i doesnnt know, thats hours, right . Do you need like an empty gatorade bottle or Something Like that . No. Im sure youll be fine. Lets do another question. Got to wear these . Theyre simply to help with Contact Tracing and so forth. So if you just put it around your ankle. Is everybody wearing snees. Just some, actually. If you need to take it off, they will have a key. Will you be wearing shorts every day . Yes. Whats reason for that . I like that wear shorts. Are your legs especially hot . No, thats all i wear, shorts. Just trying to understand why a grown man is wearing shorts to work. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream merrily work all the digits, still singing. Merrily, merrily, life is but a dream a little slower, like row, row. If you take some hand sanitizer, i want to make sure youre sanitizing it robustly. A little bit more. See, this is why i need to watch. Okay. Actually, thats a little too fast many thats a lot of hand sanitizer, so obviously, Jimmy Kimmels the host, without a host theres no show. If you could say a number of statements if you would say i will. If jimmy kimmel walks within ten feet of me, i will walk in the other direction. If i can you put your hand up . Its under oath. I will not touch anything that jimmy kimmel may touch including food, nozzles and toilets. I will not touch anything jimmy may oh, hi. You need to turn around and run away. I think thats far enough, thanks. How many doorknobs have you touched today . We need an exact number. Just the doorknob to my bedroom and my front door. Can you just demonstrate how you open the door . Just go ahead and walk me through. Yeah, i dont know. Just like that. Okay. Open the door. And walk through. Got it. Okay. Okay. Just one more. All right, i got to go. Just one more. Just an eye test real quick. Can you read line four . Lped. Great. Line eight. Despotec. Excellent, and the last line. Jimmys totally [ bleep ] with me. I knew it. Thanks, welcome back. Jimmy well, there you go. Thats [ applause ] if you knew it, why were you so mad if you knew it . Guillermo no, i didnt know it. Jimmy but you said you knew it. Guillermo well, i jimmy were going to have to get you a lie detector test. Tenacious d is with, and well be right back with the emmywinning cast of Schitts Creek, so stick around [ applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by at t 5g. Yup and thats faster . Faster, yea but is it reliable . Ah huh and secure you should consider making a big deal about it bigger . I said bigger oh, bigbigger deal bigger than what im doing . Its not complicated. A 5g Network Needs a 5g device. 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Breathe happy febreze. La la la la la. fisherman vo ce how do i register to vote . Ential election. Hmm . Hmm . Hmm . woman on porch vo can we vote by mail here . grandma vo youll be safe, right . daughter vo yes four girls vo the polls voted grandma vo go out and vote its so important man at poll vo woo grandma vo its the most important thing you can do and sure, some renovations can require a bit of compromise. But, theres no settling here. At floor and decor, she gets to fulfill her vision while i get instock products at budgetfriendly prices. All in one trip. Plus, we get the installation materials we need to get it done right and right on time. Its a winwin. Now thats shopping like a pro. Explore floor and decor, now open for safe instore shopping and curbside pickup. Jimmy welcome back. Its not officially fall until you get your first squirt of Pumpkin Spice purell. Mm, delicious. Tonight on the show, their new graphic novel is called postapocalypto, tenacious d is here. Tomorrow night, riz ahmed and tim mcgraw will be with us, and on thursday Norman Reedus and music from amine. So please join us for that. Not since the great maple syrup wars of the 1800s has our nation been so thoroughly dominated by our neighbors to the north the way we were on sunday night. When our first guests achieved an historic schitts sweep, winning all 7 primetime emmy awards for comedy. From Schitts Creek, please welcome eugene levy, dan levy, annie murphy and catherine ohara. Hello woo we won, aye . Jimmy congratulations. Not only am i personally happy for you guys, every comedy nerd was delighted that you guys won all these awards on sunday night. I really felt that backstage at the emmies, for sure. Wow, ill take that as a compliment. Jimmy it is a compliment. It was bizarre. It was surreal. I swear. It was like i said, on the night, i said its like a dream you never want to became up from. Jimmy speaking of dreams, the next morning, how late did you stay and who set up that big party you guys had that night . It was a two parter, to be honest, because we had plans to have a much larger party, because in canada, up until, oh, whats that . I was just cleaning the house. I see. Jimmy eugenes working with props now. Were trying to keep people on our side at this point, dad. Were trying not to turn people. You dont have to tell me about it. Okay. Just trying to im always two steps ahead. Absolutely. Yeah, the party, we had a big party planned. In canada, can you have a larger gathering because, you know, canadas been doing good when it came to the covid. And then obviously, in true 2020 fashion, the night before our emmy party, the government had to minimize the party size in half, which meant that we had a lastminute uninvitation ceremony, which had to happen for our lovely crew, which we were so excited to share the night with. Jimmy oh, no. So it was a strange kind of vibe going into the evening. And all because the numbers had spiked to 380 across the entire province. Jimmy who made those phone calls to the people who were invited and then uninvited . Not us. I would say, i was the first one to say not me. Jimmy there was a lot of celebration, not just in that tent you guys had set up, but all across canada. The tower and the toronto sign were lit in gold in your honor. The Prime Minister tweeted about you. And i think maybe best of all your cast mate daughter sister, sarah, this is the video thats been making the rounds today, lets take a look at that. [ screaming ] [ laughter ] jimmy that went on for like a full minute. Is sarah okay . Shes not okay, no. We have not heard from her since. So very unclear on her status at this point. But she was excited when the video was filmed. Jimmy kathryn, you gave a speech that i think mara would have approved of. Did you know you were going to be the first emmy out of the gate . Five minutes, maybe less. Le. I convinced myself i wouldnt win. And i thought, anybody who said i was going to win was just setting me up for a cruel, cruel evening and so i convinced myself. And im saying, no, no, no, and then it happened. And we went crazy. Jimmy you all won win after win after win. And we were backstage having a conversation, oh, my god, i hope annie wins, that would be terrible. Its tough enough not to win an emmy, but when everyone else on the show wins, was that making you feel extra pressure . Yes, yes. It was awful. At no point was i like, well, we won this many, now im going to win. It was more like internal monologue of just who am i going to apologize to first when i lose . Annie, annie, tell them what i asked, if youd written anything just in case. Tell them what you had. It was really embarrassing, actually. So, yeah, we were talking and she was like, what are you going to say when you, you know, whats your acceptance speech . Have you written an acceptance speech . I was like, no, no, i havent. Im not going to win. Shes like, what are you going to say if you win . And i said i dont know, probably Something Like this. Ill just go up to the podium and do that for 45 seconds. And then kathryn was i said i hope you win. And each table can do a different sound effect. It will be great. Thank goodness that didnt happen. Thats all i had. Jimmy we can work that into the show if you want to. I think one of the things that i dont know maybe was as cool as winning the emmy, maybe even cooler was wed asked a bunch of celebrities, whats your favorite show, and elton john said Schitts Creek was his favorite and he spoke about your show. Now that had to be great, right . Thats pretty good. Yeah. It was, it was, i mean, my eyes were popping when that came on. Id met him a couple of years ago. At the, at a Vanity Fair Party and discovered that he and his partner, david, were huge fans of the show, and then i ran around the party looking for daniel. I got a text from my dad saying were with elton john, come find us. And at that party, theres so many people that you couldnt possibly find anyone, and i was thinking, this is such a full circle moment, because i was named after an elton john song. Jimmy which one . Its such a big deal. Which one . When i ran into my parents at the end of the night, he was like, what did he say when you named your child after one of your songs . And he said we didnt tell him that, we forgot. Forgot. Jimmy but id like you to meet my tiny dancer. Were going to take a break. When we come back, we will see more of the celebration that went on in canada and more with the cast of Schitts Creek after this. [cheers and applause] excuse me, maam . Yes . sleepily yeah, this already does that. Oh, i didnt know that. Well now you do. Lets try this again. Imagine, one day youll be able to take an ecg. It already does that. Really . What about detect hard falls . Does it do that . Does that. Does that. Does that. Thank you. Encourages you to stay fit . Does that. Oh i dont know. Imagine a tiny device that will check your blood oxygen level. muffled it already does that. Well. That was fun. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Depend. You know how these things start. You try wendys buy one get one for a dollar breakfast offer, love