Next week were expected to run out of harpoons and pop rocks. So stock up. By the way, do you really need to color your hair right now . Who are you trying to impress . Your cat . Today, as you probably know, would have been tax day. But we got a three month extension. Do you think well be able to write off bathrobes as a business expense this year . I love that we got a three month extension the one year we finally had time to sit down and actually do our taxes. Basically, the government is hoping that by midjuly everyone will have received their stimulus checks so they can turn around and send them right back. Some people have already received their relief money via direct deposit. But those who are waiting for an actual check will have to wait until next month. According to the washington post, one of the reasons for the delay is because someone decided to print Donald Trumps name on every check. Gee, i wonder whose idea that was . This is the first time a president has ever had his name printed on a government check. Ever. That is insane. Delaying the delivery of relief checks so they can put his name on them might be the trumpiest thing trump has ever done. This is the dumbest thing he decided to put his name on since donald jr. And thats sayin a lot. The Treasury Department released an image of what the check will look like. When it does arrive. There it is. Why on earth would his name be on these checks . Theyre not from him. Its not his money. He didnt even put his name on the check he sent stormy daniels. Those dollars are tax dollars we paid. As far as i know, he doesnt even pay taxes he certainly hasnt produced any evidence of it. Hes like a drug lord giving the villagers cash on christmas so they look the other way the rest of the year. Trump will not be sending checks to the World Health Organization going forth. He says he will stop all funding until a review has been conducted. Stopping funding to an organization that handles pandemics in the middle of a pandemic is like slashing your own tires because youre mad you woke up late for work. So far, hes blamed this on obama, the governors, the media, the w. H. O. Has he blamed it on the mexicans yet . No . Hell get to that. And now after initially praising china and how transparent they were, hes back jabbing a little baby carrot at them. You were criticizing the w. H. O. For praising china. I dont talk about chinas transparency, well, you know, if im so good to china, how come im the only person, the only leader of a country who closed its borders tightly against china. When i closed our border, that was long before, you can ask anyone in the room, 21 people. I was the one person who wanted to do it. Debra can tell you that better than anybody. I was the one person who wanted to do it. You know why . Because i dont believe everything i hear. Jimmy me neither. I dont even believe theres a debra. And by the way, 45 countries closed their borders before we did. And we didnt even actually close them to china. 40,000 people came in from china. If you didnt catch yesterdays episode of the celebrity president , it was another rough ride. It went on for about an hour. But this should pretty much sum it up. I told them, when they put this guy here, hes nothing but trouble. Hes a showboat. If you keep talking, ill leave, and can you have it out with the rest of these people. I have two questions, one is one question. A person who cant be here. Who cares. If you keep talking, im going to leave and you can have it out with them. Just a loud mouth. Dr. Fauci said this morning that that critical testing and tracing ability does not currently exist. I dont know what he said. Nobody knows. Look at this, the way this looks, i dont even like the way it looks, although i have a lot fewer reporters, thats okay with me. Quiet, quiet. How on earth are we going to get to a point where we have millions and millions of tests when workers are tested when they go to work. Jimmy im unhappy prepare my commode this is interesting. Our president , according to the failing new york times, wanted to do a daily talk radio show from the white house. The show would have been for two hours a day with the idea that hed field questions from callers. Like a Dumpster Fire side chat. And the reason he decided not to go through with it was he didnt wanna compete with rush limbaugh. For real. Even the president couldnt get through quarantine without thinking about launching a podcast. Maybe they should just tell him he has a radio show. Just lock him in a room with an unplugged microphone and let him go. I dont think he has enough to do. He even claims hes watching baseball. We have to get our sports back. Im tired of watching baseball games that are 14 years old. But i havent actually had too much time to watch. I would say maybe i watch one batter, and then i get back to work. Jimmy or maybe not. I like when he admits hes been wasting time and then immediately retracts it. Dr. Anthony fauci, in the meantime, gave his thoughts on how sports could come back. And i have to say, i dont know if hes been spending too much time with trump, but this sounds crazy too theres a way of doing that. Nobody comes to the stadium. Put them in big hotels, you know, wherever you want to play. Keep them very well surveilled. And have them tested like every week. Jimmy so we would put the players under surveillance . And test them every week. That doesnt sound problematic at all. Maybe we could keep the fast ones on a leash. Regardless of when team trump wants to reopen, it will be up to the states to make that decision. New yorkers are now required to wear masks in public. Here in l. A. , mayor Eric Garcetti told cnn that we are very unlikely to see sports or concerts again until 2021. California governor gavin newsom said that when business does get going again, restaurants would have fewer tables, disposable menus and they would check our temperature before we can come in. Imagine that . They take your temperature while they get your table ready . I hope they take it orally because that is not why i go to the cheesecake factory. But this could be the way it goes. If they cant come up with a vaccine researchers at harvard estimate we could be doing this in some form until 2022. Thats not even social distancing anymore. Thats fullon hibernating. I tell you what, if this does go on another two years i am finally going to sit down and figure out what the hell this tiktok is. Thats my goal. Today, senator Elizabeth Warren endorsed joe biden for president. She didnt induce, shes not having a baby. Yesterday joe got an endorsement from obama. Obama was reportedly instrumental in convincing bernie to drop out the ny times reports that senator sanders and president obama had at least four long conversations on the subject. Although the first three were obama trying to walk bernie through how to work zoom. Meanwhile, heres what bernie is up to now uncle bernie, how you doing . I am good, cardi, take a look at my nails, how are they looking . Theyre looking very quarantine. I can tell you been on quarantine for a while now with your nails, but, you know what, its okay, uncle bernie. Okay. Jimmy poor bernie, thats the saddest thing ive ever seen. Theyre working on a new plan called manicure for all. Were going to take a break. Well be right back with Jason Bateman. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by verizon. Thats why verizon is giving you more of the entertainment you want. Dayley is usually watching a tv show, and mckenna is almost always listening to music. We love verizon. I get the shows i need when i need them. vo now unlimited plans come with your favorite artists on apple music, shows and movies on disney , and over 70 top channels of live tv with youtube tv. Music plays a huge role in our family. Thats how we connect. vo plans start as just 35 so your family can mix, match, and save. Shop online today. Only at verizon. Charmin ultra soft is so soft too much, are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Only roomba uses 2 multisurface rubber brushes to clean all your floors. And with patented dirt detect technology, roomba finds dirt throughout your home. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. And change the world. Here at abbvie, were inventing medicines of the future to create tomorrows that will be healthier. And happier, while making medicines that help people right now. Because thats the present we wanted to live in. And thats the future we all want to see. Abbvie. Here. Now. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Tomorrow night seth rogen will be with us. Tonight, a man of multiple talents, hes been on tv since before he was born, season three of his great show ozark is on netflix now, say hello to jaybay. Jason bateman. Are we doing this right now or is this rehearsal . Lets just do rehearsal, and ill get the makeup done and. Jimmy im really enjoying your hair. It really has taken full command of your head. First shower in four weeks. Jimmy youre usually a very hygienic person, yes . I am. This hasnt been super uncomfortable for me, as far as the extra steps one needs to go through to comply with, you know, the hygiene requests, the hand washing and sprinting from somebody about to sneeze, ive got all those moves down. Jimmy do you have a hand washing ritual that you can share with us . I, well, 20 seconds is not a problem for me, for starters. The big one that i incorporated was, and i learned this from mr. Leonardo dicaprio in the, what do you call it, movie, the Howard Hughes movie. Where he scrapes his hands with his fingernails so that you get the soap underneath the fingernails. Its, its pretty genius. Jimmy so you are taking your hand washing tips from an actor who is channeling a lunatic, a recluse, someone who went, died insane. And who had famously long fingernails. So. And which, you know, my fingernails are actually getting pretty gross long, too, because i dont clip them. I start, i start it with a chew. And then i do a very elegant peel. Jimmy ooh. But im not putting my fingers in my mouth. So ive got almost four weeks of growth here. Im not going to show them to you. Jimmy youre like cardi b. I get that all the time. Jimmy hows the family doing . Im not sure. [ laughter ] ive been pretending to be positive for three weeks just to stay away from them. No. Theyre doing great. Jimmy i dont know if you remember this, but last time you were on the show, when we were in a studio with an audience and all that stuff, you said something to the effect that youd ruin the easter bunny for your older daughter frannie and made her promise not to tell your other daughter, maple, how did that go on easter . Thats right. It was sunday. It was great. Frannie has done great. She has not mentioned anything. Maple is still, she still is convinced that, you know, a fourpound bunny can carry eight pounds worth of candy and chocolate in two baskets into the house. But she did tell me to keep an eye out for the bunny, because she was pretty convinced she saw him before she was going to bed last year. When i was putting her to bed on sunday she said if you see him, wake me up. I do feel like this is the last year. Jimmy oh, she saw him last year. So you either need to call the exterminator or police. I said what did he look like . He was a little taller than you, like a man in a bunny suit. And i said he was Walking Around downstairs . And she said yeah. Jimmy you, are you helping the kids with homework . Because you, as we know, were a kid actor, you never learned to read or write. You were on those sets that werent even schools. They were really just like labor factories, yes . Oh, god, it would be a whole different segment on so much bad behavior and bad learning. Yeah. So, yeah. Needless to say, im having trouble teaching my 8yearold second grade. Its amazing how much i dont know. Long division is very difficult. Im great with art. Im great with setting up the zoom sessions. Jimmy uhhuh, good. Changing background. I do know how to do that. Jimmy i dont feel like that really hurt you in any way, because, well, you won an emmy for best director, which is fantastic. And very exciting. Ozark, you know, people will ask me, what are you watching. And we love ozark, and its one of the great shows. And they always say, yeah, yeah, i watched it already. Everyone seems to be watching it. Season three has 100 with the top critics on rotten tomatoes, did you know that . Pretend you didnt. Say that again . Its got 100 positive. I dont have anything to do except continually refresh rotten tomatoes. And see if we have, look, all we have to do with all those brave people doing all that incredible medical work, our job is just to stay home. I feel like thats the least we do. Jimmy for sure. And we are going to talk about a charity in a moment. Also when we come back, im going to give you a little quiz. You know im obsessed with your youth and all the tv shows were you in and i was watching. So im going to give you a little quiz to see if you remember as much about Jason Bateman as i do. Jason bateman is with us, well be right back. Never bothered me. Until i found out what it actually was. Dust mite droppings eeeeeww dead skin cells gross so now, i grab my swiffer sweeper and heavyduty dusters. Duster extends to three feet to get all that gross stuff gotcha and for that nasty dust on my floors, my sweepers on it. The textured cloths grab and hold dirt and hair no matter where dust bunnies hide. No more heebie jeebies. Phew. Glad i stopped cleaning and started swiffering. Oh, pete . cmon man. What . We said pantyhose right . Here, eat this. Creamy snickers®. You could use a little smoothness. Pete . Pete zagarene . Get smooth with the freshground nut butters in creamy snickers®. sigh crunch babybel that snack just sounded boring. Babybel coming through. No photos, please. Babybel bye bye, bland. Babybel helloooo, delicious. Vo rich, creamy, 100 real cheese. Vo with mini babybel, snack time is saved. Babybel saved it eveso we can stillg a answer your calls. Now. And we are monitoring our system 24 7 to ensure that we have a fast reliable network, keep the customers connected, and making sure people are staying safe. And were still on the road. Solving Critical Issues as they arise. Go to xfinity. Com prepare. Thank you. Loweto supportitted frontline workers, and our more than 300,000 dedicated associates. Thank you for everything youre doing. Thweve never seen it look quite like this, but theres no mistaking it. And its our job to protect it. Because the best people to fight for our communities are those within them. So, if youve just bought a volkswagen or were thinking of buying sometime soon, were here to help with the Community Driven promise. I do motivational speakingld. In addition to the substitute teaching. I honestly feel that thats my calling to give back to younger people. I think most adults will start realizing that they dont recall things as quickly as they used to or they dont remember things as vividly as they once did. Ive been taking prevagen for about three years now. People say to me periodically, man, youve got a memory like an elephant. Its really, really helped me tremendously. Prevagen. Healthier brain. Better life. Kimmel live from my house. Were here with Jason Bateman who has agreed to let us test him on his own career from quarantine. Youve been on tv for a long team, what, 75 years . 76. Jimmy a long time. Some of those projects were very successful, others were not. Now were going to play a game called was i in it. I will read the description of a tv show or movie, you will tell us if you were in it. Bonus points if you can remember the characters name. A teenage scam artist lives with his mother. Thats its your move, matthew burton, and he love as good point. Jimmy next, a successful lawyer quits his job to become a teacher. Was in it. It was called the jake effect, so im going to say his first name might have been jake. Not great on the last name. Jimmy good enough. Thats correct. A gay mildmannered writer lives in Greenwich Village with his homophobic roommate. Were you in it . You bet you, that was some of my best friends taken from the film kiss me guido. Danny nuchy there. I was the homosexual. When i auditioned for it, i asked the casting director would they like me to read in a flamboyant way . And they said no, youre gay enough, just come on in. Jimmy do you remember your name . No. Jimmy warren fairbanks. Two guys named mike woo the same girl. Were you in it . [ laughter ] jimmy no, thats a show we made up called two guys named mike. A wall street stockbroker shows up at his Brothers Auto repair shop looking for a new lease on life, were you in it . I was in it. Boy, look at that. Jimmy black sheep was the name of it. You played jonathan kelly. A wall street stockbroker loses his wife and job and finds himself in harlem sharing a tenement with his simple brother. It was called simon. There he is, harlan williams. Now my name was, i want to, no, his name was simon. What was my name . Jimmy carl hemple. You were carl. Ah, there goes maple. Say hi to jimmy. See, i keep her outside. That way theres more food for me inside the house. Right . Jimmy hi, maple. Watch out for rodents. There she goes. One more, here we go. A teenaged musician goes on the run from killers, and the police when he returns home to find his house empty and his family gone. Youre pulling a lot from the bill payer side of the ledger. This was called crossing the mob, i think or moving target. Jimmy moving target. Crossing the mob is probably next. Jimmy not only, we have a clip from moving target. Here we go. Toby kelloggs been away from his family. While i was gone, they moved. Hes being chased by the cops and hunted by the mob. And hes got to find his family before a killer does. Wheres my family . Jason bateman is a moving target. Not only am i in a deep sweat, but you and i are in a fight. Jimmy jason, youve chosen as your charity tonight, ill be making a donation to direct relief, which is not an antacid. What is it . Its an antacid for workers to keep them safe. Jimmy the show is ozark. Will there be a season four . Can you say . Chances are decent, we should know soon. But everybody keep their fingers crossed for world health and season four, please. Jimmy Jason Bateman, thank you, jason. Well be right back. announcer onceweekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like james lower their blood sugar. A majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. My a1c is under 7 announcer and you may lose weight. Adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. I lost almost 12 pounds oh announcer for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as heart attack, stroke, or death. It lowers the risk. Oh and i only have to take it once a week. Oh oh, oh, oh, ozempic® announcer ozempic® is not for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Do not share needles or pens. Dont reuse needles. Do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or Family History of medullary thyroid cancer, ltiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. Stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis. Tell your doctor if you have Diabetic Retinopathy or vision changes. Taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. Some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. Onceweekly ozempic® is helping me reach my blood sugar goal. Oh, oh, oh, ozempic® announcer you may pay as little as 25 per prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. Good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. We saw the earthquake grace in bold was offering a grant program. I signed up and i was actually selected it leaves the house in tack. You now know that in the next earthquake and earthquake insurance. Your houseil sinurk. If there is an earthquake. Our house has a better chance of surviving in. If there is an earthquake. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Before we go id like to mention that i set up an email address where you can ask me questions. Any weird questions you like. Ive already received hundreds of emails like this one from who would win in a fight . Astronaut vs caveman. Fist fight ok, no weapons, no outside help. They are only allowed what they are currently wearing. Astronaut. No question. Cavemen were about this tall. And did you ever see buzz aldrin punch out that nut who claimed he faked the moon landing . Astronaut in the second round. I dont have anytime, but ill answer some questions tomorrow. I want to thank Jason Bateman. I want to apologize to matt damon. Im so sorry i ran out of time for him. Nightline is next, buenos for him. Nightline is next, buenos noches, everybody. In these uncertain times, look after yourself, for him. Nightline is next, buenos noches, everybody. Your family, your friends. But know when it comes to your finances, we are here for you. What can i do for you today . Well take a look at the portfolio and make adjustments. Im free to chat if you have any more questions. Our j. P. Morgan advisors are working from home to help guide you through this. For more than 200 years, weve helped our clients navigate historic challenges. And we will get through this one. Together. This is kind of a first. For all of us. But maybe this is a time to put other things. First. Like being the first to check in. Or the first to try you hand at the culinary arts. Or all the arts. Be the first to volunteer. Or the first to say its all going to be okay. And when the day comes, when were no longer looking at our worlds from the inside out. It will be what we did in here that will make us stronger out there. Whaso lets do the rightver chanthing, today. Ow. Lets stay at home. Lets wash up. Lets always keep our distance