And when he says Something Like that, you know its true. And the president fired the crowd up sharing many tales of victories and he did that at the state of the union. On tuesday, i delivered my address on the state of the union. And i had somebody behind me, who was mumbling terribly, mumbling. Mumbling, wah, wah, ho, ha. Mumbling. Very distracting. Jimmy we did some digging, and we went through all the footage to figure out who was mumbling behind him, and i believe we found the culprit. Here, on this land, on this soil, on this continent. I love you, i love you, i love you. I love you. Jimmy its nice that they still have that spark after all this time together. As he often does, trump covered a wide range of subjects, including the time in 2017 when a man with a gun shot louisiana congressman steve scalise. Scalise was at the rally with trump. A very brave man. He took a bullet. He got shot. And he got up, he was going to die that night. I tell this story all the time. His wife, she was crying so much, when he finally did awake. I said one thing i learned, your wife loves you. Why do you say that . Because she was devastated. I know many wives who dont get too upset. Jimmy yeah, well, happy valentines day. Trump is mixing it up with Michael Bloomberg now, who, bloomberg was not on the ballot in iowa or new hampshire. Instead, he has like 15 commercials running on every show on every television channel. That appears to be working. According to a new national poll, bloomberg is in third place behind bernie and biden. But now he has a problem. A tape has emerged of a tape of him touting the stopndrisk policy. This is a thing that targeted young black men. This morning, trump tweeted, wow, bloomberg is a total racist, which is amazing, because a lot of people think the president might be racist himself. Trump quickly deleted the post which may have something to do with the fact that he himself is a big fan of stop and frisk. One of the things i would do is i would do stop and frisk. I think you have to. We did it in new york. It worked incredibly well. And you have to be proactive. In my opinion, i see whats going on here. I see whats going on in chicago. I think stop and frisk, in new york city, it was so incredible the way it worked. Jimmy oops. By the way, stop and frisk is also trumps policy back stage at his beauty pageants. Did you know . [ applause ] the president had a great deal to say last night. So we slowed him down to half speed for tonights poetry edition of drunk donald trump. Shut up silly woman. Said the reptile with the grin. You knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in. [cheers and applause] jimmy thats how he reads to his kids. Trump is absolutely drunk with power right now. His close friend and adviser, roger stone, in case you dont know, was found guilty, thats roger stone, found guilty of obstruction of justice, lying to congress, witness tampering and various fashionrelated crimes. So a sentence was recommended of up to nine years tor roger stone, and that did not please the president. So he tweeted, this is a horrible and very unfair situation. The real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. Cannot allow this miscarriage of justice, says the man who got away with the first impeachment trial in history that did not have witnesses. So trump tweeted that last night. And today we learn that the Justice Department suddenly decided to reduce their sentence request from nine years to something far less severe, which is appalling, even by trump standards and unheard of that he would somehow affect the sentence of his friend. Trump tweets, all of a sudden his attorney general is like, you know what . Instead of seven to nine years, why dont we make it no years. Wouldnt that be better . All four federal prosecutors who worked on the case resigned in protest. The president claims he had no idea. He says he stays out of things to a degree that people wouldnt believe. Well i think i would, he also says hes known roger stone for years, and hes a nice guy. Thats good enough. He seems like a, in fact, lets look at some of the stuff this very nice guy has posted. He once said joe biden has trouble keeping his hands off children. He said Eric Swalwell was the candidate from down syndrome and he wrote barbara bush was a meanspirited, selfentitled woman and i now understand why nancy reagan hated her so much. He seems lovely, i will agree with that. And i look forward to the other prisoners discovering the tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back. I tell you that for sure. Trump right now is totally [ applause ] hes, over the weekend, he removed that Lieutenant ColonelAlexander Vindman from the National Security council and fired his brother who had nothing to do with anything, because vindman testified in front of the house. He fired the guy for obeying the law, and then trump said, adios to his now former ambassador to the eu, gordon sondland. This guy spent a Million Dollars to get fired by donald trump. Meat loaf did that for free. I think he even got paid. Sondland was a target for revenge, because his testimony clearly explained that the president did to ukraine exactly what the democrats said he did. Secretary perry, ambassador volker and i worked with mr. Rudy giuliani on ukraine matters at the express direction of the president of the united states. Jimmy so trump, of course, exacted his vengeance on sondland, and i want to see how gordons holding up. So we reached out to him, and he was kind enough to join us tonight. So i would like to say hello to former ambassador sondland. Thank you so much for your time, sir. [cheers and applause] thanks for having me jimmy can i ask you, why are you in an orange jump suit . Its not orange, jimmy. They call it president ial skin tone. Jimmy who calls it that . Where are you right now . Ill give you one guess. It rhymes with jeronimos gay. Jimmy oh, the president sent you to Guantanamo Bay . Why . Because hes very angry with me, matter than Joaquin Phoenix in a dairy farm. Jimmy im very sorry to hear that. How are you holding up down there in cuba, flight. Im okay, you know, its pretty hot here. Its hotter than the cauldron Kellyanne Conway uses to make potions. Jimmy make sure you drink plenty of water. Im drinking plenty, upside down through my nose. Jimmy youre being water boarded . Oh, its not that bad, like chugging a kiddie pool. With your face. Jimmy how are the conditions otherwise . This place is so filthy, the bedbugs have ringworm. Jimmy that does sound bad. Im sorry, hey, you know what one thing i wanted to ask, have you seen Lieutenant Colonel vindman and or his twin brother. Are they locked p there too . Oh, no, the president sent them on a corona virus cruise. Theres no room for them. Jimmy a coronavirus theres too many new detainees here. Jimmy who are the detainees . Mitt romneys grandkids. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy which ones . Which kids . All 300 of them, jimmy, the whole tabernacle choir. Jimmy oh, no. Yeah. Were squeezed in here, tighter than shaq in a bumper car. Jimmy well, theyre very cute, ill say that. This is donnie, this is marie, say howdy, everybody. Howdy, everybody. All right, go back to knocking on cell doors. Jimmy that is very unfortunate. Ooh, congratulations jimmy who is that youre congratulating . Meet my paula abdullah. He heats women, he hates gays, he hates foreigners. Jimmy why are you congratulating him . Because trump just gave him the medal of freedom. Jimmy i see. I see. It is a rush limbaugh. Jimmy yes, we got that. We got to go, jimmy, its taco tuesday. Jimmy thats fun. Not really. It means they roll us up in a carpet and beat us. With a bag of limes. Be gentle jimmy ill let them, thats gordon sondland, everybody. [cheers and applause] funny guy. Very funny guy. [cheers and applause] in happier news, Madison Square garden tonight had the 144th annual Westminster Kennel Club dog show, which i guess is fun for the people. But to me, the sad part of the show is that none of the winners are aware that theyre in a competition or even what a competition is. All they know is that their owners are lunatics, and anyway, out of all the many fine canines and their owners, this unlikely duo stole the show tonight. Thats right. [cheers and applause] the obedience training really paid off. Also in new york, tomorrow is the final day of fashion week. Fashion week has been going on in new york. This is one of the wildest and most unwearable clothes in the world go on parade. We wanted to have fun with that. We sent a crew to new york to ask fashionistas whether pete rose should be reinstated to Major League Baseball. We asked the models and designers in new york for fashion week about pete rose, and heres how that went. What are you wearing . Today im wearing msgm. My jewels are by swarovski and my jackets from asics. And should pete rose still be banned from Major League Baseball . I honestly am not a huge sports person. Do you think Major League Baseball should reinstate pete rose . What . Dont know anything about him. I dont know who that is. Youre here for fashion week. Yes. In light of the Houston Astros not really being punished for their sign stealing scandal, is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . Um, yeah, i would agree with that. Why . Well take your time. Um, well, i just think that a complex situation like this, different voices should be heard. Let me ask you this. Is it time to let pete rose back in the game . To let who . Is it time to let pete rose back into the game . Yes. Why do you feel that way . Um, sorry, i, can you ask me another question . Whats that . Can you ask me another question . Sure. Why is it time to let pete rose back in the game. [ laughter ] do you consider pete rose the vera wang of baseball . Yes. Why . Um, because i think the whole representation of who it is, you know, just defines it, so i think so. Pete rose . Yeah. Okay. Good luck pete rose. Just really good luck. Tell us your name, sir. George green. Where are you from . Brooklyn, new york. Are you here for fashion week . No, im just passing by for work. Has Badgley Mischka jumped the shark . Yes. I dont know what youre talking about. What do you love about fashion week, leo . What i love about fashion week, it makes people even more excited about their true selves. Fashion is always like a huge circle. The trends always come back. And when you think about consistentbility, its not only about thinking green but its beautiful how everything comes together. Is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . What is that . Rose baseball . What are you guys excited about . We absolutely love fashion week. This is our tenth season, and were headed to the Badgley Mischka show. Super excited to be dressed by the designers this year. Is it time for Major League Baseball to reinstate pete rose . Oh, my gosh, im from cincinnati, we do think it is time. Pete rose, we love you. Agree . Sure, what she said is it time for baseball to move on from tight pants . No. Jimmy pete, get on a plane immediately. We have a good show tonight, music from superm. David sedaris is here. And well be right back with amy poehler. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by jim beam. Uhoh. No wifi at your inlaws house . Its switching time. And now its netflix time. Watch netflix offline. Switch to chromebook. And my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. howling wind howling wind fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Curry. Cacciatori. Chhurri. Fried turkey. Blueberry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds cheese cake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. We are americas kitchen. Do we are americas kitchen. Great bag. Twins my bosss boss, has the same taste in bags. I got this italian leather beauty for way less at t. J. Maxx which is good business. I should tell her groans hmph. food grunting menacingly when the food you love doesnt love you back, stay smooth and fight heartburn fast with tums smoothies. Tum tumtum tum tums jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, he is a very funny writer and person, with a new online master class. The great David Sedaris is here. Then, they are the First Kpop Group to debut at number one on the billboard chart. This is their selftitled ep, superm from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, from American Idol katy perry, Lionel Richie and luke bryan will be here, lucy hale will join us, well have music from andy shauf. And on thursday, chris pratt, huey lewis, and music from sam hunt. So please join us for those shows, too. Our first guest is an emmy and goldenglobe winning person with a new animated show about a pubescent teenage boy, duncanville premieres sunday night on fox. Please say hello to amy poehler. [cheers and applause] jimmy how are you . Fine. Jimmy very good to see you. Thank you. Jimmy how are you doing . Im great. Jimmy i feel like i havent seen you in a long time. Someone said back stage its been like four years. Jimmy since you were on the show, ive seen you. Yeah, i went to college, i went back to school. Jimmy oh, you did, what did you study . Im a veterinarian now. Jimmy oh, great. That was your dream, wasnt it . Always wanted to help the animals. Jimmy you, everythings good . By the way, im so interested in this, im curious to ask you about it. Because typically, with award shows they will wait until like a couple months before the show and announce whos going to host the show. But it seemed like the golden globes, they were barely finished clapping and they said next year, tina and amy are going to host the show. Yeah, not sure why. [cheers and applause] jimmy did that build the pressure. Maybe . Jimmy gives you too long to think about it, doesnt it . To turn it into a diamond, i hope. Yeah, no, its a year away. Jimmy its a full year away. Its a full year away. So in about 11 and a half months, were going to start thinking about it. Jimmy you really cant start thinking about it too soon, can you . Nobodys made the movies yet. Jimmy yes, it is hard to make fun of things that dont exist. Are you the kind of person who says yes to something and then regrets it the whole time leading up to that thing . Yeah. I think im like you, which is, because youve done this many times where im like, all right, lets do it, and then i dread it. Jimmy uhhuh. I dread it, and i want to die. I want to go to sleep. Jimmy sleep is always the thing. Im a very fight or flight kind of thing. I get very tired and im like, maybe i should go to sleep instead of host this. Jimmy did you watch the oscars . I did, i loved parasite, so i thought bongs win was awesome. I like awards shows that are a little surprising, because i remembered growing up in the 70s and 80s with awards shows that were really shaggy, pretty sloppy. Jimmy it was different back then. The stars would just drive to the event. Jimmy yes. And theyd just show up in jeans and be like smoking and hear their name and go up there. Jimmy yeah, theyd put it out. Now theyre vaping instead of smoking. Im very nostalgic about the 70s and 80s. Jimmy me, too. And i wonder if theyre as great as i remember. What do you think about when you think about the 70s and 80s . I just think it was a better time. No seat belts. Your parents didnt watch you. Nobody babysat you. Jimmy right. You could just walk to the mall. And your neighbor would flash you, and it wasnt a big deal. You know, the good times. Jimmy did you have a neighbor, a flasher neighbor . We had one. Yeah. We didnt have a, you had one . Jimmy we grew up across the street from each other, yeah. You did . Were you the flasher neighbor . Jimmy no, no. But we did. Theres always one weird house. Jimmy at least one weird house. And if there isnt one on your street, then youre the house. Jimmy youre probably right. Thats a good way of looking at it. Yeah. Jimmy that was definitely, i wonder if its what were experiencing right now that makes us long for those days. Yeah. Jimmy or if they really were better. I feel like they were better. I feel like people wore jeans out more to event. Jimmy its all about dress code, really. It is. Jimmy what kind of kid were you . What kind of teenager were you . I wasnt, i wish i could say i was cool and rebellious. I was not. was kind of, i had a nice group of friends. And we, you know, we stuck to the rules. But we did like drink in the woods. Jimmy yeah. You know, stuff like that. But i was, i was petulant. I was a petulant kid. And i remember, there was a rule in my house that my dad would, id go to the mall all the time. Thats what i did. Jimmy mmhm. And my dad would pick me up from the mall, but you had to stay in the car. Like he wasnt allowed to come into the mall. Jimmy he wasnt allowed in the mall. Because he was too embarrassing. Then one time he came into the mall, and i just screamed at him, like what are you doing in the mall and got home and ran upstairs and my mom was like, bill, why did you go into the mall my poor parents. Jimmy sounds like your dad may have been getting the worst of it, though, yeah. So therefore, life was easy. That was, that was my big jimmy except for your dad, in which case it was hell, he couldnt even get a hot dog on a stick. Were going to take a break and talk about teenaged years. Your new show is called duncanville. Amy poehler is here, well be right back. 448,134 to be exac. They answered 410 questions in 8 categorie