[ laughter ] for me the biggest takeaway on election day is how can anybody possibly have such a clean garage . I dont understand it. I go into these old peoples homes, and i think wheres your stuff . California has more delegates than any state. And i dont know if it was like this where you live, but we have been overwhelmed by advertising, mostly from mike bloomberg. The amount of mail weve been getting from mike bloomberg, its unbelievable. He is the Bed Bath Beyond of candidates. One of our writers came home from work last night to find this hanging on his door. This is another ad for mike bloomberg. Even his ads are too short to reach above the doorknob. Mike bloomberg has poured more than 500 million of his own money into this campaign. If he didnt have a good night tonight, he basically spent the cost of an avatar movie to find out nobody likes him. He did win he won American Samoa today, the election there. Biden won North Carolina and virginia. Bernie took vermont and expected is win california. Around twothirds of californians vote by mail. The other third now have coronavirus. I voted by mail. I have to say the ballot they sent, its such a mess. Look, there are 20 democrats on the ballot. Tom steyer at the top even though he dropped out over the weekend. Deval patrick also out. Michael bennet out. Michael bloomberg, hell be out soon. Mosie boyd. I dont know who that is. Might not even be a real person. Then cory booker who dropped out at like christmas or something. Mayor pete dropped out, not in the race. I like seeing their middle initials. The r stands for ray gun, like the yeah, he loves star trek or something. Tulsi gabbard. Not even Tulsi Gabbard voted for Tulsi Gabbard. Julian castro, he dropped out in like 2018. Someone down here named rocky de la fuente iii. This is like the menu for a restaurant thats out of almost everything. In the end, i decided to vote for a writein candidate, mr. T. President mr. T is who i voted for. Hes the guy we need to bring these fools together. I will say this. If these elections have taught us anything, it is that adults love stickers too. I feel like some people are only voting so they can post a selfie with an i voted sticker on instagram. Theres a lot of sticker mocking going on in our office. If you wear one, people make fun of you. If you dont, people wonder if you voted. I split the difference, and i put it on the back of my tie. If i need it, im like an undercover cop. [ applause ] i think we should start giving ourselves stickers to congratulate ourselves for all the other good things we do, like an i worked out sticker for the day. I flossed, you know . Anyway, im not sure why we even need a new president when the one we have is doing a pretty darn great job. For whatever reason, trump had a televised roundtable at the white house with a group of pharmaceutical executives about the coronavirus. Of all the clips weve seen of our president at work, this one might be the scariest of all. We have nobody in this country vaccinated for coronavirus right now. But the same vaccine could not work. You take a solid flu vaccine, you dont think that would have an impact or much of an impact on corona . No. As if they wouldnt have thought of that. Oh, well, thats a great idea. We could just use what we already have. Youre a genius. [ applause ] you cured the coronavirus. I have another idea. Next time theres a hurricane, well just open all the toilet lids and flush it. [ laughter ] trump is very upbeat about this coronavirus, and it really seems to be getting a handle on the Science Behind it. Were moving at a maximum speed to develop the therapies, not only the vaccines but the therapies. Therapies are sort of another word for cure. It helps get the People Better faster. You know, just because you learned a new word today doesnt mean the rest of us did too. [ applause ] its really amazing. This is like trump being in charge of the coronavirus is like chuck e. Cheese in charge of the hanta virus. Not only did he learn a new word today. He made one up too. We launched the Great American comeback. We really did. We launched it with a viver and a certain splash. The viver. As in we are up the viver without a paddle. So last night the president held a rally in charlotte, North Carolina, where he did this. Where do you live . Like this guy, hes a mexican. Youre about as mexican as i am. Look at this guy. Hes as mexican as i am. Look at that hat. Are you mexican . Are you mexican . No, youre not. Are you . He is. [ laughter ] jimmy North Carolina . I guess so. Jimmy you know, theres a rumor this is some rumor, that trump is looking to replace mike pence on the ticket with nikki haley, who is his former ambassador to the u. N. Cnn analyst paul begala said he guarantees on july 16th, the day the democratic nominee is scheduled to give a speech, trump will dump mike pence and replace him with nikki haley, the theory being trump put pence in charge of the coronavirus in order to throw him under the bus. The other rumor is a few days ago pence shook hands with a student in florida who has since been quarantined for potentially having the coronavirus. Team pence denies this. Of course they deny it. If trump thought mike pence was anywhere near the coronavirus, hed keep him out on a leash or something. The idea he could have been exposed to this virus is alarming. Lets imagine this chain of events. This student in florida is exposed to the virus by an unknown source. The student then shakes hands with mike pence unwittingly infecting him with the virus, not knowing hes a carrier now, mike pence goes into the oval office for his morning kiss of the president s ass. His lips are then followed by jim jordans lips, devin nunes lips, Lindsey Grahams lips, and all the other daily ass kissers who then carry the virus back to the capitol building. And before you know it, everyone in washington has it. Except melania, whos been selfquarantining for about three years now. A little over three years. [ applause ] speaking of things that have gone viral, did you see the story about brit hume . So brit hume, if you dont know, is a former news man who now works for fox news. He clicked himself into quite a mess today. This morning he tweeted hes tweeting about betting odds for the primary, and he tweeted biden now clear favorite in bedding odds as of 5 30 a. M. Tuesday. Which seems innocent but if you zoom in, and many people did, he left a tab open that says sexy vixen vinyl on it, which is a leather lingerie store. Maybe the best part is that brit humes avatar photo already looked like hed accidentally tweeted a screen shot of a fetish website. That is the face of a man in vinyl undergarments. [ laughter ] sexy vixen vinyl. It sounds like something borat would say. So brit hume didnt comment on this, but now when you google the word sexy vixen vinyl and you can try this at home, the first thing that comes up is brit hume. Which while it may be surprising us, it should come as no surprise to his faithful viewers on fox news. So if hes not winning, he doesnt really want to be president , why is he doing this . Brit hume is our senior political analyst at fox news and he joins us now. Hey, brit. Thanks for having me. That is some foxy news right there. Its an exciting time for football fans here in los angeles. By football i mean the one where you kick the ball with your foot. Saturday night is the home opener for the la galaxy. This is season 25 for the galaxy and theres a ton of excitement here because their new star is Javier Chicharito hernandez. Hes from mexico. Hes the alltime leading scorer in mexican soccer history. And the reason that he has come to hollywood is because not only is he playing for the galaxy, sorking o exciting new tv show too. [ applause ] [ applause ] jimmy i love it, guillermo. Guillermo thank you, jimmy. Tell chicharito i said congratulations. We have a great show. We have music from victoria monet. Justina machado is here. Well be right back with ben affleck, so stick around. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by medicare by blue cross and blue shield companies. This is also hals heart. And his relief, knowing hes covered by Blue Cross Blue Shield. This is hals heart. And its beating better than ever. This is what medicare from Blue Cross Blue Shield does for hal. And with easy access to quality healthcare, imagine what we can do for you. This is the benefit of blue. Take 25 off adidas . And save on nike. And vans. Save on adidas womens jackets. Mens nike graphic tees are just 19. 99. And vans sneakers are 64. 99 and under plus, get kohls cash and kohls takes your amazon returns too shop kohls and kohls dot com. Cheezit snapd. How does it taste . Its so thin, crispy and cheesy. And i just want to keep eating it. Ive done it and eating it. they love em snapd. So good, we may run out of cheese. Yeah. Order up, its switching time. There, thats better. Switch to up to 12 hours of battery life. Switch to chromebook. Just a blur when they jumped the median. The corner of my eye. There was nothing i could do. daughter daddy dad vo shes safe because of our first outback. And our new ones even safer. avo welcome to the allnew subaru outback. An iihs top safety pick plus. The highest level of safety you can earn. Iced chai. Ry. Pad thai. Baked pie. Pork chop. Soda pop. Scallop. Kebobs. Soursop. Hot pot. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. Onion ring. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Hashtag vacay. Sonoma . I want wine with lunch. Its 11am, cindy. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Start maxximizing today in store and online. Jimmy hi. Welcome back. From the show one day at a time on pop tv, Justina Machado is here with us. Then she is apple musics up next artist. Here with her song moment, victoria monet from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, elle fanning will be here. Dave burd will be here. Well have music from local native. Our first guest tonight has two oscars, two Golden Globes and three utility belts. His movie is called the way back. Please welcome ben affleck. How are you doing . Hi. Good. Jimmy look at you. I always feel like i should frisk you to make sure you didnt bring anybody stupid with you. Thats a bad habit im trying to kick. Jimmy youve been in france with i have. I dont want to jimmy with the one who will not be named. He will not be named, yes. Matt and i are doing a movie in france with adam driver and jody comer, who are amazing. Jimmy theyre terrific. Yes. Yes, they are. That matt and i wrote with nicole. Its a drama. Its tense, its historical. Jimmy you had to write it with him too . I did. Jimmy you know, how long have you known matt damon . Almost 40 years. Jimmy almost 40 years. And im 32 so jimmy and in all those years, of all the many, many stupid things, whats the dumbest thing hes ever done in your presence . How many cubic feet of water is in the ocean . You know what i mean . Jimmy he wouldnt know, i know that. Some things cant be measured. You know, hes a good guy in my opinion. Jimmy yeah. There is a moment that stands out. Jimmy oh good. Okay. Great. Should i lay down for this . Let me unbutton my pants. I knew matt. We met when i was 8, so 39 years or yeah, im 47. Anyway. And i met him when he was 10. He was a lot bigger than me. He was always quite a bit bigger than me because two years is a big deal when youre 8 and 10. We lived down the street from each other and wed see each other at the park but he was kind of one of the older, bigger kids. But i got a job on tv, like a pbs cheesy educational show for kids, which i thought was kind of lame, but it was enough to make matt like boil with envy. Jimmy oh, really . Just like burn with rage. Jimmy so he was already i just came from the set. Jimmy he was an actor boy at this time . He took it very seriously. Then when we got to high school. We went to a Public High School in cambridge, and i went out for the fall play. I went to audition for the play, and i saw matt there. Jimmy uhhuh. He kind of eyed me. Yeah, uhhuh. Jimmy so you were like a freshman . I was a freshman. I was probably six inches smaller than him. Jimmy oh. Yeah, because he was two inches taller than he is now. [ laughter ] i swear to god this is a true story. He walked up to me. He said, let me give you a little advice. I said, okay. Great. Whats up . He goes, this isnt tv where you get by on your looks and your haircut. This is about talent. This is the theater. [ laughter ] turned around and walked away. Stone cold. Ice. Like he was the Lawrence Olivier of the drama program. Jimmy just out of curiosity, how much theater did Lawrence Olivier wind up doing after high school . Well, its been 30 years. One play. Jimmy one play. [ applause ] jimmy wow. I knew i was right about him the whole time. By the way, another fellow bostonian, Mark Wahlberg was here last week, and he seems to think when it comes to tom bradys favorite like actor pal, that he is number one on the list. Does he think that . Jimmy he did say that. Ive never felt competitive with mark before but so thats interesting. I dont know. Maybe he is. I dont want to step on any toes. I met tom not to brag the year that, you know, he replaced drew bledsoe. This is when i thought things like this were fun. The white house correspondents dinner. I went to a party and saw him. They had just won the super bowl, and of course he was 22 and i was 27 or something. So i was like older than him. Jimmy yeah. And i was like, oh, my god, man. Like so great. Dude, youre like the king of boston. He goes, no, way. Youre the king of boston. He thinks im the king of boston. Jimmy you were smitten with him immediately. I realized then that i loved the man. [ applause ] jimmy you really do. I really do love him. Theres not a lot i wouldnt do for tommy. I dont want to go to the internet side, the bleep side. Jimmy when you say theres not a lot you wouldnt do for tommy and you call him tommy. What if he said id love us just to live together . Id be like if it will help you with the game, lets warm up. You want to lube up . You want a massage . Whatever it takes, you know what i mean . Jimmy is he aware of this . Because every time his name comes up, i laugh because you almost blush, and you become like a child talking about him. I am childlike, just with him, though. And i really do love him. Jimmy is it only him . I look up to him so much, that it makes me feel like im 10 years old, and it makes him really uncomfortable . Jimmy i bet it does. I think the last time you were here, you brought pictures of your sons room. And your son who is how old now . My son is 8. Jimmy 8 years old. Youve built this demented shrine to tom brady in your sons room. In the patriots room. Jimmy i was wondering if your son does he want this stuff . I think you had a rug made out of toms body hair or Something Like that. Yeah. It was it was yes, i did, because i did those things. And i would have done a remodel if i knew what team to put out there. But im hoping to stick with the one we got. Jimmy yeah, right. Well, you know about a half an hour ago tom said hes going to tennessee. Will you stick with thought id fish a little bit there. Ive done this a few times. Jimmy so hes not going to tennessee . Tom as told me personally i dont know what hes said to mark, but hes told me where hes going. Jimmy so he is going somewhere . That he might be going back to foxboro. Jimmy oh, interesting. Never know. Never know. Jimmy i think tom is now deleting your phone number from his contacts. He gave me his number at the White House Press correspondents thing back when you had those foldover blackberry things. Jimmy then he ran those phones through a wood chipper, i think, didnt he . I remember i would watch the game and then text him. Fourth and one, you guys went for it. That was really great. One time i was texting him and the game was over and like, boop, he texted me back. I about had a heart attack. He was in the locker room with the guys. Jimmy you have two oscars. This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. [ applause ] my son jimmy go ahead. It was an interesting thing because ive been doing this movie in france as i said. But one of the things that is really important to me is, you know, im a divorced dad. I get half the time with my son, and i really you know, its his birthday. So i said to them, ill do whatever the schedule needs but the 27th i got to be in l. A. So, you know, they set it up where i was kind of shooting right up to the 27th and i had to scramble and drive and i was going to land right in time for his birthday. And we had this present set up and everything was getting shipped and sent. I was going to pick it up and go to his surprise party. So i got really, you know and i got my son knows that i do movies that are kind of fake and his mom does movies and its all pretend. But he knows star wars is real. And i can do my fake [ bleep ]. So i told him like im actually in this movie with kylo ren. And his mind opened in two. He was like, but dad, how . How do you know kylo . Are you going to space . Will he have his light saber. So i told adam that, and he was a sweetheart. I said, would you tape like a birthday video to my son . And he did. It was very kind. I was just thrilled, and i was on my way, scrambled to the airport, give him the thing, fly from london all the way to l. A. Its 11 hours. Im going to stop by his house and go to his surprise party. I get to my house, and i can see the look on the face of the guy who works with me. He was like i said where are the presents . And he was like, they didnt get here. Oh. So i had to show up to, you know, my sons party jimmy with no present. With no gift for him. Jimmy thats bad. And it was like this sinking, awful feeling, you know. Then he goes, but there is something. I said what . He said, well, adam heard you say it was your sons birthday. So he called your assistant and got your address, and sent some presents and signed a card and a picture from kylo ren. And i took those presents. [ applause ] i went and after that surprise party, watched him open all his other presents. And i said, my presents didnt get here on time. I said, but i did get a present from somebody who really wanted to make sure you had a gift. He was like who . And i said kylo ren. I mean he opened the presents. I played him the video of kylo ren, and it was like, you know jimmy