Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713 : comparemela

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713

Afternoon. This i thought was interesting. She did it, she signed her name one letter at a time, using a different pen each time. She used 22 pens to sign her name. What is going on . Did she get an endorsement deal with bic . Its hard to argue youre not enjoying the impeachment when you turn it into a calligraphy class all of a sudden. Speaking of pelosi, she named impeachment managers including jerry nadler, adam schiff, and newly available red sox manager alex cora joined the team. They really want to win this. This is big stuff, only the third time in American History articles of impeachment have been sent to the senate, which means starting tuesday donald joanna trump will become the first former steak salesman to be tried for abuse of power and obstruction of congress. Senate Majority Leader Mitch Mcconnell insisted the trial will be fair, there will be arguments there will be evidence, and there will be a verdict, just not necessarily in that order. Most republicans Mitch Mcconnell wont even commit to questioning witnesses or admitting new evidence, even though yesterday, just yesterday we got bombshells from one of Rudy Giulianis ukraine men, lev parnas, who in addition to telling Rachel Maddow the president lied when he said he didnt know what he was up to, provided documents that clearly show rudy giuliani, the president s lawyer, specifically, at trumps direction, badgering the new president of ukraine, to announce an investigation into the bidens. Not to start one, to announce one. Theres a letter from rudy saying he was acting with the president s full knowledge and concept, on top of that we were introduced to a new member of the trump reverse, another shady character, robert hyde, this is a guy running for congress in northwestern connecticut. Before i show you his photo i would like you to close your eyes and imagine what the type of guy who would get involved in this ucraziness might lack like, okay . You got it . All right, now open your eyes. Thats robert hyde. [ laughter ] exactly what you imagine, right . [ laughter ] this guys a beauty. Hes a big trump supporter who last year, he was at trumps golf resort in miami, he had to be escorted off the premises by police because he believed a hitman was out to get him. Of course he is now connected to trump. These are some Text Messages robert hyde shared with lev parnas on the subject is of now former u. S. Ambassador to ukraine, marie yovanovitch, f that bitch, wow, cant believe trump hasnt fired this bitch, ill get right on in that. When confronted he wrote to a reporter from the daily beast, how low can little adam bull schiff go to take some texts my buddies and i wrote while we had a few drinks to some dweeb i met a few times, bull schiff is a desperate turd. Ah, the old drunk buddy turd defense, works every time. He was drunk and texting his buddies in the ukraine . Here are some other things that he drunk texted his buddies about the ambassador. A woman who it seemed he was having followed. He wrote, they are moving her tomorrow, shes talked to three people, her phone is off, computer is off, shes next to the embassy, not in the embassy, private security, been there since thursday, parnas writes back, interesting. They will let me know, shes on the move. Parnas responds, perfect. That address i sent checks out, its next to the embassy, they are willing to help if we, you would like a price, you can do anything in the ukraine with money, what i was told. Parnas writes back, lol. If you want her out, they need to make contact with security forces, wake up, yankees man, which i assume means rudy giuliani, who loves the yankees. Yeah, nothing to investigate there, senator mcconnell, that doesnt seem suspicious at all. Another picture of robert hyde. I wouldnt want to be behind those guys at the maralago omelette station, i tell you that. Only the best people. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, our fearless leader danny soprano had another rally where he covered all his favorite subjects. Six toilets and showers. Jimmy thats right. Hes back on the plumbing again. [ laughter ] in three years, somehow we went from drain the swamp to flush the toilet. This is good too. Trump was in rare form last night on the latest stop for his orange collar comedy tour. Anybody in here does not love their children . There are some. Come on, raise your hand. There are some. Like you know theyre brats. Theyre little brats. Theyre horrible human beings. Jimmy oh, well, thats not [ cheers and applause ] well, for once we agree. While trump was all milwaukeed up, the democrats are going at it in des moines. Did you watch the debate last night . All eyes last night were on Elizabeth Warren and bernie sanders, who are at odds after Elizabeth Warren claimed back in 2018, bernie told her he didnt believe a woman could win the election. Bernie pushed back hard, he said its a lie, he never said it. Im not sure that did much to convince the moderator, Abby Phillips of cnn. It seemed pretty clear which one of them she believes. Youre saying you never told senator warren that a woman could not win the election . That is correct. Senator warren, what did you think when senator sandrews sanders told you a woman could not win the election . Jimmy thats back on hbo on sunday, right . After the debate, you know, bernie and Elizabeth Warren are old friends. They actually met at Benjamin Franklins bar mitzvah. But that doesnt seem to be the case anymore. Watch what happened between them after the debate. Here now he tries to shake her hand, she kind of holds back. And they have a seemingly heated discussion. Theres been a lot of speculation about what was being said. Some said they werent arguing, some said she didnt want to shake bernies hand because it smells like bill cream and gefilte fish. Cnn released the audio of the conversation, and yes, it was an argument. I think you called me a liar on national tv . What . I think you called me a liar on national tv . No, lets not do it right now, you want to have that discussion, well have that discussion, you called me a liar, you told me lets not do it. I just want to say hi, bernie. Yeah, good. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy tom steyers like, get me back on my jet, quick its upsetting to see, because those two have too much in common to end a relationship over Something Like this. And in fact, this photo they posted this morning leads me to believe everythings going to be all right. And their grandson, Pete Buttigieg its always hardest on the kids. Bernie said he was sick and tired a bunch of times last night. At first i thought it might just be a crutch. But turns out might be his new campaign slogan. Bernie sanders is sick and tired of politics as usual, like corporate greed. I am sick and tired of trade agreements negotiated by the ceos the 1 . Sick and tired of billionaires. The health care system. Sick and tired of arguing with insurance companies. The department of motor vehicles. Sick and tired of filling out tomorrows. Irritable bowel syndrome. Sick and tired of talking to doctors. Tuna salad with too much mayonnaise. I am sick and tired. Voice mails that cut off before you finish talking. Sick and tired. Young punks who wear their jeans below their tushies. Sick and tired. Vote bernie sanders, hes sick and tired. Im bernie sanders, and im exhausted and ill. Jimmy that must be why he cares so much about health care. [ cheers and applause ] back on the trump side, the president s former spokesperson, Sarah Applebee sanders, made a big announcement this morning. She released the cover and title of her forth coming book which is called speaking for myself. If you study the photo you can see how natural she poses. Its really i havent read the book but based on just the cover ive learned something about her already. Sarah seems to be missing a thumb. Its why she never hitchhikes. Speaking for myself wasnt the original title for the book. Originally it was going to be called lying for a lunatic. I guess it didnt test as well among the base. They say this could be an especially bad year which is what they say every year. To raise awareness of flu prevention and to create a little bit of mischief too, we went over to the Lowes Hollywood hotel across the street where we cornered people in an elevator, the reporter pretending to be sick while doing interviews about the flu in tonights decision of eyewitness flus. [ coughing ] hey, sir, how are you . What is your name, sir . Berhand. Where are you from . Seattle, washington. What do you do . Im a physician. Can you give us some tips how to stay healthy during the flu season . Yes. My recommendation is [ coughing ] sorry. Go ahead. Youre the ceo of a major corporation. What do you tell your employees to do to stay healthy in a confined place like an elevator that were in [ coughing and sneezing ] im sorry, its not as bad as it sounds. Sounds pretty bad. How hard is it to avoid getting a flu in an elevator . Its very difficult. Why . You cant escape it. Right, because i someones touching you and hugging you and doing that kind of thing. What is this pin . This represents my company. Can i see that . [ coughing ] so small, i can barely read that its so small. [ of coming ] feel my forehead. Feel. Is that sweaty . Yes. Okay. Its the flu. What should i do . Pee it out. Pee it out . What do you mean . Lots of fluids and pee the bug out. Oh. I am not drinking out of that. You say that now. Why . Take a hit. No. Come on, dont be a total [ bleep ]. Nausea and vomiting and diarrhea . Thats what were seeing this year. Exactly. Ats what im seeing this year. Yeah, yeah. Nausea thats whats vomiting, and the diarrhea, its like some people think its funny but its really runny. Thats whats different about the season. Diarrhea. [ coughing ] i believe most of it is contamination. Touching your hand high five. Touching your nose, bingo. Thats how you get sick. To recap, the number one things to avoid the flu are . Get a flu shot. Sleep. Wash your hands. All right. No flu on three. Everybody, hands in. No flu all right. We did it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats why you should take the stairs, i guess. We have a good show for you tonight. Comedian todd glass is with us. From succession, bryan cox is with us. We will beight back with Academy Award nominee Charlize Theron so stick around shishito. Burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ hvr dips. You either love it or you really love it. Introducing new Vicks Vapopatch easy to wear with soothing vicks vapors for her, for you, for the whole family. New Vicks Vapopatch. Breathe easy. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Delivered to your car door so you can do more. Try drive up at target. Feels so good feels so good target run and done. Jimmy welcome back. Tonight on the show, he won the golden globe, he is on the hbo show succession, brian here. Later on the show were going to have a game of boar on the floor. If you watch the show you know how horrifying that is. Then you can see him in his hometown of philadelphia at the helium comedy club, tomorrow through sunday, todd glass. From Jimmy Kimmels comedy club in las vegas. Tomorrow night, two oscar nominees. Al pacino and Florence Pugh will be with us. And well have music from nicky jam featuring daddy yankee. Our first guest won her first oscar for playing a serial killer. And next month, she may win a second for playing an employee of fox news. Shes a nominee for best actress for the movie bombshell. Please say hello to Charlize Theron. [ cheers and applause ] wow. Hello. Jimmy hello to you, how are you, hows life . Life is good. Jimmy good, good. Yeah. Jimmy youre nominated for how long ago was it you won an oscar for monster . 16 years ago. Jimmy wow. I dont think we had iphones back then, no, that was a long time ago. Jimmy you didnt have children back then. I did not have children. Heres the difference. When i got my nomination for that one, they do it really early, like 5 00. I was still sleeping until like 10 30. Jimmy really. Yeah, yeah. I remember those days when you could still sleep till 10 30. Jimmy vaguely, vaguely. Not anymore. Now this nomination i was i was dealing with two sets of pee sheets, you know . Jimmy you wet the bed . Im diaper training my 4yearold, trying to get her out of her night diapers. Jimmy oh, boy, yeah. It was a rough night, yeah. Jimmy we had a rough night last night, very similar circumstances going on, except worse. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Jimmy you know what im saying. Yeah, yeah, i get it. Oh, no, ive never had to deal with that. Jimmy you never have, really . Wow. Well. I mean, its a disgusting topic, im sorry to even bring it up. No, its very real. Jimmy do the kids know youre nominated about these awards . Yes. Jimmy yes. You know, its been a thrilling couple of weeks. I was nominated for a golden globe. Jimmy right. I was nominated for a critics choice. Yes, yes. [ cheers and applause ] really amazing. Jimmy like is it okay to be enthusiastic . Yes, yes. Please be. Because my children arent. Jimmy they arent, okay. So please. Spoiler alert, i didnt win. Jimmy right, yes, yes. Did you tell them that . You guys sound like them. That was kind of the reaction, yeah. They were it was a mixture of super sad and also kind of angry. Jimmy really . Like you didnt win . Like kind of like yeah, they were upset. The little one was like, i really want you to win like angry. And the other, my 8yearold, was just like, just pure disappointment, you know . And so when the Oscar Nominations came in it was like, you know, the third time that they were like, now theyre suspicious. Theyre just like will you win this time . Theres a good shot im probably not going to win. And my oldest just went, well, this sounds like a waste of time. [ laughter ] jimmy have you figured out like your plan for the oscars . Who you will bring . Will you bring a date to the oscars . Yes, im taking i usually take my mom. Its usually a mom daughter night. Jimmy gotcha. Shes fun. Jimmy are you still watching the bachelor . Yes. Jimmy you are. Do you like this season so far . Yes, its really good, dont you think its good . Jimmy well, you know. None of them are really good. [ laughter ] wait. Explain that to me. How can you say such a thing . Jimmy well, because its a huge waste of time. [ laughter ] its similar to what your kids were saying. Got it. Jimmy i sometimes look at all the hours that ive logged watching the show. Yes, yes. Jimmy and i think about the languages i could have learned to speak. Lets be honest. That was never going to happen anyway. Jimmy you know, thats true. So you might as well have something that you enjoy. Jimmy right. It was be honest. Jimmy i like to think of it just to punish myself for watching the show. Oh, its so good. Jimmy maybe even worse of all, rarely is there a relationship at the end. Yet we continue. We continue to buy into it. Yes. Jimmy its like, if like on jeopardy nobody ever won any money. You really sound like jackson mars erin, my 8yearold, yeah, yeah. Jimmy thats what people say to me a lot. A waste of time. It is true, none of those relationships theres some of them, they have kids now and stuff, so some of them. I didnt watch those. Not as relidge husbandly as i watch the train wrecks. Jimmy really, did some of them i think one couple. No, theres a few. Jimmy the first one, trista and ryan. One of them might be from like paradise. Jimmy oh, that doesnt counseled. The bachelor in paradise. Come on, they got married and have a kid, thats huge accomplishment. Jimmy might as well put a camera in a motel at spring break. True. True. Jimmy then celebrate and your problem is what . Jimmy you really like it, though. I do, i really like it, yeah. Jimmy what is it you love about the show . Well, i love the unpredictability. Jimmy uhhuh. I love that jimmy what . The unpredictability . My wife literally picks the winner the first episode. No. Jimmy every single year. Listen, even if i had that skill, and i dont, it kind of ruins the show, though, dont you think . You want to kind of you almost have to give yourself a small lobotomy so you dont pick it, then you can enjoy it. If you pick it its kind of done, right . Jimmy you dont know for sure youre going to be right, youre okay, maybe ill be right, maybe i wont be right, thats part of the fun. Listen, right now theyre all winners in my book, they all have a shot, they all have a shot. Jimmy whats the worst date you ever went on . Oh god. Jimmy without getting too disgusting or terrible. So i went on a date in my 20s with this guy who was really super handsome. I was really into it. He picked me up for dinner. It was lovely. I was like, this is going really wall. And he drove me home. And, you know, i kind of signaled that i was in for a kiss. Like if he wanted you know, you do that thing where its like, yeah. Jimmy so ive heard, yeah. [ laughter ] this might explain your problem with the bachelor. Anyway. Jimmy might explain a lot of my problems, yeah. I get it, i get it. He pulled over by my house. And we started kissing. And it was really good. And then he pulled away and whispered, make out with my nose. Jimmy make out with my nose . [ laughter ] and and he wasnt this wasnt a joke . [ applause ] make out with my nose . [ laughter ] what . [ cheers and applause ] i swear on my life. I ive never forgotten it. Because im still ive yet to meet another person who likes to have somebody make out with their nose. Ive never met another person. Jimmy well, there arent any other people besides him. So he wasnt kidding . No, he was really into it. And i started like giggling. And then because he was like it was good. So i didnt want to mess it up. So i give him a little peck on the nose. No, make out with it. Jimmy wo

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