A tantrum after 16yearold Greta Thunberg was named person of the year. We all knew he wanted to be person of the year, we all know it bothered him. But he showed uncharacteristic resfrap restraint. He was on Good Behavior. Sadly, that Good Behavior lasted just under 24 hours, because this morning, at 7 22 a. M. , he wrote, so ridiculous, greta must work on her anger management problem then go to a good oldfashioned movie with a friend. Chill, greta, chill, says the sweaty old man whos mad at a magazine because they didnt put him on the cover of it. And the fact that Greta Thunberg is a teenager, im old enough to remember a time when everyone at the white house had a fullblown hissy fit because a witness at trumps impeachment hearing the gaul ll to say the word bar. This kid is very good. Right after trump tweeted, she changed her twitter bio to a teenager working on her anger management problem, currently chilling and watching a movie with a friend. [cheers and applause] trump hasnt been roasted that thoroughly since the last time he locked himself in his tanning bed. Then team trump flexed their come by muscles. This is from the official trump war room account. They photo shopped his head on gretas body, which should not be the first time donald trump has imagined himself on top of a young womans body. But its why he bought the ms. Teen usa pageant. But the idea that orange hulk would accuse anyone else from having an anger problem. Lets go to the tape. What a stupid question that is. What a stupid question. But i watch you a lot. You watch a lot of stupid questions. Should the quiet, quiet. Get him out of here, get out sit down, you werent called. Sit down, sit down. Go back to uni vision. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Like to punch him in the face, i tell you. Hes a sleaze. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Go ahead. Since are you attacking our news organization. Can you give us a chance . Your organizations terrible. Quiet. Knock the crap out of him, would you . Seriously. Jimmy the zen master. No one has ever been less selfaware than this man. Aside from the obvious vomitousness, knocking a child with as bergers, the tweet he was responding to when he wrote this was written by roma downey, the actress gaticongratulating greta. Roma downey is married to mark burnett, and mark burnett is the producer of the apprentice. So far we havent seen raw footage, but if he starts a war with Mark Burnetts wife, he could let that footage out, and who the hell knows what, trump crushing sudafed and snorting it off a conference table . Maybe punching his son don jr. In the face, pulling his penis out and forcing meat loaf to say how fat it is . All that footage gets released and maybe thats how Greta Thunberg saves the world. I had a bannhe had a banner day. He tweeted 91 times before noon. If you do anything 91 times before noon you belong in a mental organization. We should come up with a new term for when he does this, like a donsoon or liephoon or tittytwister. This was his official schedule. He gave brief speech at 11 15, an intelligence briefing at noon and a party at 7 00. People in assisted living facilities do more than this in a day. Were spending a huge a energy trying to remove a man from office who is never in his office. That Party Tonight is, by the way, the white house congressional ball. Last night i presided over the hanukkah celebration, and what a love fest that was. Melania in particular ate it up. Thank you, i love you too. And i love ivanka, and i love jared, and i love our first lady. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] jimmy didnt we just witness the moment that the remainder of melanias soul exited her body . Trump also gave a shout out to one of his favorite toys, mark levin, who took a really, a lot of time to get to the podium. Where are you . I saw him. Is that mark . Come on, mark, get your way up. Make a path. Like we used to say in the military, make a path, make a path. Jimmy right, right, like we used to say in the military i wasnt in. Make a path. The military by the way, christmas is two weeks are you red eady for christmas, guillermo . Or no . Halfway. Jimmy who do you still have to buy for . My wife and my son. Jimmy thats your whole family, right . Yeah. Jimmy were going to work on fractions after the show. No, i got my mom, my grandma, my cousin. Jimmy what does benji, your son want this year . He wants a new ipad. Jimmy are you going to get that for him . Of course. Jimmy will your motherinlaw be coming over for christmas this year . Unfortunately, yes. Jimmy you know, the holidays can be a stressful time, especially with the election coming, but escape is on the way. The holiday season, the most wonderful time of the year. But also the most is stressful. So you are putting kids come on you bleeding hearts wah can we just calm down . I dont think we need to talk this loud at each other. Family gatherings can bring out the worst. Are you done . Can i bring you another . When you start to feel overwhelmed, dont reach for the liquor cabinet, head for the tree fort. The first Christmas Tree with a secret room in the center. Just climb in and enjoy a place to hide. Ah. Gather your thoughts. Oh, thank you. And just be. Do you hear yourself . You sound ridiculous. Enjoy a calming, aroma therapy diffuser. Hmm, lavender. Im not going to have a transgender in my bathtub. Use our builtin phone charging station. Now you woke the baby up. And take a monster hit from the jingle bong. As the outside world melts away. The tree fort comes with a secret periscope, so you can see if the coast is clear. Really . The tree fort, only 89. 95. Mind if i join you . Its brutal out there. Lock sold separately. Yeah, no problem. Available at evergreens. Jimmy you can always get in the bathtub. You know, were three weeks away, not only from the end of the year but from the end of the decade, and i think we can all agree that this is a very stupid time to be alive. So we decided to have some fun with that. This afternoon we went out on the street. We asked people walking by about a bunch of Current Events we made up. These are news items that did not occur in 2019 or ever for that matter. But did that stop people from weighing in on them . Lets find out in this year that wasnt edition of lie witness news. Were talking about the biggest news stories of 2019. North and south korea were finally united. Was that a big moment of happiness for you. I actually watched that live. It was a good thing to see, you know, donald trump kind of go in there and making peace. That was a good thing. I watched it on tv, and i watched north korea and south rea, i believe they went somewhere and they kind of met, and they did that peaceful thing. Yeah, it was a really good thing. You remember when the government shut down because the president couldnt get an mcrib . Yeah, back in january . Where were you when you heard . I was at work, i work at a natural gas company, so its very conservative, so im very aware of when that kind of stuff happens. Tell me about when kelly ann came in with a bucket of mcribs and said now the government may reopen, were you shocked . I thought it was funny, i would have done the same. How many mcribs did she have in that bucket . 40. Were you surprised when he came on the climate march and grabbed the mic from Greta Thunberg . No. I was not shocked about that at all. What was about the look of thunbergs face . She was in shock. I would have had the same reaction. What did you think of bill cosbys comeback comedy tour . He does look good for his age. Thats for sure. You were a little proud of him . You know, its tough to say that im proud of bill cosby. But, you know, i guess everybody does their own thing, so. Why did President Trump pardon millie, but not vanilly . Because of a different religion i believe . Because one is black and one is white. Hes handsome and he fits the character perfectly. What did you think when you saw Nathan Landis for james bond. I couldnt wait to see the movie. Were you outraged when the president made friendship bracelets with the taliban . I dont agree with a lot of things he does. That was one thing that pissed me off. When did you she . I dont know, i live with my sugar daddy. Reporter whats your sugar daddys name . Dean buckerfield. How did you feel about Billie Eilish performing bad guy , did it feel like a stunt . No, hes a bad guy. George bush, imagine what he did to the economy. It freakin sucks. I think Billie Eilish did a good job by performing bad guys. I love that song. You wouldnt lie. I wouldnt lie. Im like abraham lincoln. I never tell a lie. Im 100 all day, every day, all night, till the day i die. Jimmy and probably well after that, too. All right, one more thing before we forge ahead. Its thursday night, means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. You have [ bleep ] hard and you [ bleep ] is impressive, and i just want to [ bleep ] you all. Thank you all for being here today. Im really looking forward to [ bleep ]ing as many of you as time permits before i got to get back on the bus. America, are you sick and tired yet of this impeachment [ bleep ]. Officers are launching a heat is on campaign, plus, spreading Holiday Cheer through some big [ bleep ]. Im gayle king. He [ bleep ]s puppets. Its a [ bleep ]ing frenzy. I also want to bring a friend of mine up. Hes a tremendous success in so many other businesses, but they only know him because he [ bleep ]s tom bradys [ bleep ] every week. My [ bleep ] in your mouth are just as powerful as they are in my mouth. Ooh, who doesnt love a good [ bleep ]. I love a good [ bleep ]. Jamie . Deep [ bleep ] dungeon. Yeah, thats it. [ bleep ] magic from new image. The first fitness machine ever to help you master the king of exercises and get all the benefits of [ bleep ] without the struggle. Jimmy all right, we got a good show tonight. We have music from mark ronson and anderson t. Paak. Abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by jeep. Welcome back to our its time to gift wrap. Did someone say gift rap . Sittin with my crew all cozy by the fire please dont be so jealous of my holiday attire shop up to sixty percent off everything with sleepwear from eight bucks thats up to sixty percent off everything are we actually not wrapping any gifts . Now at old navy start saving with [itarget holideals m smith] save 10 when you spend 50. Or save 25 when you spend 100 on toys and games. This week only. New holideals arrive all season long. Only at target. Come in for your chance atat an extra 30 percent,e . An extra 40 percent or even an extra 50 percent off talk about a sweet deal hurry in store now through saturday to unwrap the savings. Jcpenney jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight, from the movie Richard Jewell. He plays Richard Jewell. Paul Walter Hauser is here. Then, with music from the movie spies in disguise, mark ronson and anderson. Pack from the mercedesbenz stage. Next week, were back at it again with adam sandler, kevin garnett, jamie foxx, margot robbie, brie larson and many more. And on monday night, the force will be very strong with us. We will be in primetime with the cast of star wars the rise of skywalker. Rey, fin, poe, lando, c3po, chewbacca, jj and more. For Jimmy Kimmel Live after darth a star wars special. Monday at 10 00 eastern, 9 00 central. Here on abc. I also want to mention that, as of yesterday, the book that i wrote and illustrated became a number one New York Times bestseller. The serious goose. All the money i make from the sale of this book goes to Childrens Hospital here in l. A. And Childrens Hospitals all over the u. S. You can buy it wherever they sell books and if you want an autographed copy go to theseriousgoose. Com to get one signed by me. In great, big black sharpie just, like the president our first guest is a golden globenominated actor and rapper and bottled water too. You know her from the movie crazy rich asians. Starting tomorrow you can see her alongside Dwayne Johnson and kevin hart in jumanji the next level. Please welcome awkwafina. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doin . Hey, congratulations on your golden globe nomination. Thank you. Jimmy that came on monday, right . Yes, came out on monday. Jimmy thats a very exciting thing. Yeah, yeah. Very exciting. Jimmy was it very exciting . Were you up waiting to hear if youd get nominated . Um, no. Jimmy okay. Good, good. And not because, you know, i had korean barbecue the night before, and it was very rich, and so i, i fell asleep, and i woke up, and i saw like a fleur efleury of messages as i was waking up as if someone died. Jimmy youd forgotten what was happening . Yeah, i didnt, i wasnt reminded that they had come out that day. Jimmy i see. Yeah, so it was that. And yeah, but jimmy that would be weird if somebody did remind you, because then it puts a lot of pressure on being nominated. Someones like, by the way, nominations in the morning, and then its like, what if they dont happen, then that persons a jerk. Yeah, sure. The nominations in general, like the wrong date, never mind. Jimmy you know what im saying. Its all this korean barbecue. That knocks you out, huh . Knocked me out, yeah. It was really great, though. Jimmy you brought something that i, tickled me great lay. Your family was very excited. Yes, they were. Jimmy they start the Group Texting you. Yes. Jimmy explain what im about to see. My aunt linda is a little bit of a nut. Jimmy theres always an aunt linda, and she s always a nut. It was just an odd text for the nature. Jimmy so first of all, i like the name of the group, which is akwafina fan club. Congratulations, congrats nora. This is awesome. You say thank you guys, when you finally wake up. Then lets zoom in on aunt linda. Here we go. Jimmy seriously, fam, curb yourselves of gluten, grains and beans, read up on lectin and how it poisons your body over time. Try to eat one meal a d and cut out corn and soy, and even the organic kind. The seeds are all gmo. What a beautiful congratulations that was from aunt linda. I know, love her. Jimmy so she is not coming to the show, i guess. No. Jimmy shes not even allowed at the farmers market, your aunt linda. I think she yells at the people at the farmers market, shes that type. Jimmy shes like that. Aunt linda. Jimmy nothing more that you need to say than that. Yeah, pretty much. Jimmy you used to work at a video store. Yes, i did. Jimmy how long ago was that . When i was 16 years old. Joil sti. Jimmy still at the end of video stores. Were getting put out of business. Thats how we operated. Jimmy not giving you a raise or for everything. Well, were going to be out of business. Were going to be a thing of the past. Jimmy did they go out of business eventually . Yes. Jimmy they were right. Exactly. Jimmy did you hear from those people you used to work with in the senator. Yeah, he texted me. It was a great store. Were you active in recommending films to people, things you wanted them to watch . Yeah, always, they would ask me, and i would tell them, yeah. Jimmy would they get mad if you recommended something and they hated it. Yes, there was one person who hated inconvenient truth. And three were like, what kind of movie is this . I was like, a documentary. Jimmy was that person wearing a red hat with four letters on it by any chance . Possibly, yes. Jimmy what was the first movie you ever saw, do you remember . Yeah, when i was young, one of the first movies i ever saw was a a league of their own, betelgeuse and private parts. Jimmy Howard Sterns movie. Yeah. Jimmy how old were you . 7 or 8. Jimmy thats the perfect age for private parts. And just trying to figure out everything thats happening. Jimmy was that the work of your dad . My dad and my uncle were obsessed with howard stern. My uncle had the private p as partsbook. And i was like, who is this guy with the Empire State Building there. Jimmy it was in the media. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy so you were fascinated with this . Yeah, and my dad was also obsessed with recording the e show on and taping it and hoarding the tapes. Jimmy and whould you watch that . Yeah. Jimmy so it was okay, you guys would watch it together . No, it wasnt okay. It was mortifying as i look back now. Just like the different contests and whatnot. Jimmy yeah. And then when i was in my 20s, years later, we found the tapes, and hes like, you want to woo to watch them . It still didnt get better. Jimmy dad was not uncomfortable at all. Dad loves stern. Jimmy in certain company, not with your daughter. And aunt linda allowed this to happen . No. No. I dont think aunt linda would jimmy shes pretty focussed on kourn rig on corn right now. Grains, yes. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by turtle beach and roccat gaming accessories for consoles and pc. Paul. paul aw thanks. And did you know you can give your family the gift of savings with both an unlimited plan. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 included paul . For just 35 a month when you switch . sprintern whoa, what a deal paul and, sprint has a 100 total satisfaction guarantee so you and your family can try out the network and see the savings for yourself. sprintern so cool, now open it paul is it the iphone 11 . sprintern what . Howd you guess . For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. A drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. Mike bloombergs created on tover 400,000 jobs. Ue leader. As president , an opportunity economy that works for us. Tax fairness where the wealthy pay their fair share. Education. Affordable college and high skill Vocational Training so people can succeed in the new economy. Economic security. Lower Cost Health Care and affordable middleclass housing. Proven leadership on jobs. To build an economy where people dont just get by, they get ahead. Im Mike Bloomberg and i a