Well, dicky from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight ma, omut don johnson, cma winner maren morris, mean tweets music edition, and music from Zac Brown Band. And now, moving on, jimmy kimmel [cheers and applause] jimmy thank you very much. Im jimmy, im the host of the show. Thanks for watching. Thank you for coming. Very fine. I thank you for joining us on one of the most historic and important dates in the history of the United States. My birthday. Thank you. I dont love my birthday i its not a big thing for me. But i will say this, i got exactly what i wanted this year. Good morning, everyone. This is the first of a series of Public Meetings the house will be holding in an impeachment inquiry. Jimmy thats right, i turn on the television and there it was. The impeachment hearing. We got testimony from bill taylor, the top diplomat for the ukraine. They did not paint a flattering portrait of our president and his boot lickers in the house didnt look too good either, devin nunes opened the show for his party. It was obvious right off the bat that he was much more interested in defending the president than in getting the facts. Now i recognize Ranking Member nunez. In a july publication of the mueller report, the democrats engaged in a last ditch effort to convince the American People that President Trump is a russian agent. Jimmy got some new merchandise i guess. Devin nunes set the stupid bar to set it off. Then John Ratcliffe topped it meetly. Then chris stewart. But just when you think weve reached the bottom level of human intelligence, in comes jim jordan from ohio to take gold. People were actually laughing at him during the hearing. There he is, sporting his quid pro combover. Each attorney had a list of questions. They brought in a lawyer named steve caster. Since he couldnt ask about the facts, all he was left with was trying to get bill taylor to say that sending Rudy Giuliani to ukraine to shakedown their government isnt such an outland ish thing for the government to do. The discussion of the irregular channel you described. And, in fairness, this irregular channel of diplomacy, its not as outlandish as it could be. Is that correct . Its not as outlandish as it could be. I agree. Jimmy in other words, it could have been more outlandish. [ applause ] for instance, instead of Rudy Giuliani, trump sent gary busey to ukraine, that would be more outlandish. We did get some new mcnuggets of information. Bill taylor said a member of his staff was there when Gordon Sondland called the president. He said he overheard the call in which trump specifically asked about the investigation and after that call sondland told them trump cares more about investigate eg investigating biden more than ukraine. Illegality aside, this is the dumbest plan ever. So ambassador sondland tried to explain this to the group as if it was a normal thing in the world of business. Ambassador sondland tried to explain to me that President Trump is a businessman. When a businessman is about to sign a check to someone who owns him something the businessman asks that person to pay up before signing the check. Mr. Volker used the same language earlier at theial yalta conference. I explained it made no jimmy it does make no sense. When has donald trump ever paid up for anything. This is a stressful day for the president. The popeyes near the white house, they had to waive their two chicken sandwiches per person limit today for him. The president called the hearing a joke, a sham and hoax and said he didnt watch t white house spokesperson said the president was too busy working. They might as well have said he was at a zumba class. Trump said he didnt watch a minute of the hearing, but this exclusive footage obtained inside the president s private quarters says otherwise. Following the call with President Trump, the member of my staff asked ambassador sopd land what President Trump thought about ukraine. Ambassador sondland said President Trump cares more about the he investigations of biden, which President Trump was pressing for. Everything okay in here . Chicken, more chicken extra crispy, sir . Extra crispy, you idiot. Yes, mr. President. Jimmy throw potato skins in there to be safe e as t. He was tweeting and retweeting all of these things from right wing twitter feeds. In between hosting one of his favorite foreign strong men, turkish president erdogan. President trump said hes a big fan of erdogan who notably last month slaughtered our allies the kurds. Senators from both sides urged him to rescind the invitation, but he said he was a good friend. The way he treats the president of turkey, you would think he was the president of fried chicken. A new round of testimony begins again friday. In happier news, it was cma night on abc. All the biggest stars were there to celebrate country music, while we still have a country. Jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. Jimmy yes. I have a surprise for your birthday. Jimmy okay, good, give it to me. It is very good. Jimmy it is very good . Yes. Jimmy all right, let me have it. Ladies and gentlemen, on jimmys birthday, please welcome, grammy award winner marin morris. Jimmy youre right, this is very good. Hi, how are you . How you doin . How you doin . Wow, that was thats for me. Jimmy its marin morris, guillermo. Not maris morris. How are you . Arent you supposed to be in nashville for the cmas tonight . I am, but im also here. Jimmy how is that possible . Dont worry about it, im here. You know, jimmy, i watch you every night and i know everything about you. Jimmy thank you, thank you. So to celebrate your life tonight i decided to write a song about you. Jimmy really . Thats very flattering. You want to hear it . Jimmy id love to hear it. Should i sit on the floor or something . Yeah, get comfortable. Jimmy okay, all right, are you going to do it now . Were going to do it now. Jimmy okay, heres marin morris with a birthday song for me. [cheers and applause] today is finally here its the best day of the year are you red she in. [cheers and applause] one, two, three, four James Christian kimmel born november 13, 1967 is an American Television host and producer hes the host and executive producer of Jimmy Kimmel Live a late night talk show that premiered on abc january 26, 2003 in hollywood, california jimmy excuse me, one second. Im sorry to interrupt, but the song sounds kind of awesome . Jimmy yeah, in a little bit it sounds like youre reading my wikipedia page. Well, what are you implying . Jimmy im not implying anything. Im saying the songs a little wikipediay, it doesnt rhyme or anything like that. Im sorry, go ahead. I shouldnt be criticizing my gift. Okay. Ahem. Early life and family. Kimmel was born in brooklyn, new york and grew up in the neighborhood of mill basin and see, children and senior was Vice President of American Express and also ibm kimmels mother is of italian ancestry see reference jimmy now hold on a second. Thats definitely from wikipedia. You even said see reference. Thats a wikipedia thing. Okay, fine, it is . I had a really busy week, and i didnt have time to write ah special little birthday song, so i went on wikipedia. How old are you, any way . Jimmy its on wikipedia, im 52 years old today. Youre 52 . [cheers and applause] jimmy yeah. Well, thats too old for special birthday songs. Also, why are you wearing this stupid hat . Jimmy you gave it to me what do you mean why am i this is your thing. Anyway, as i was singing. Jimmy was a peanut farmer who in 1976 became president of the United States he did not win a second term jimmy no, thats not me,tha. Thats from jimmy carters wikipedia page. He was the president. That is not even my wikipedia page. Well, thats because you messed me up. Jimmy all right, im sorry. Can i at least finish this . Jimmy fine, finish the song. This is a terrible birthday. So happy birthday to my best friend a guy that we all love who dies in march of 2028 from chokin on a meatball sub [cheers and applause] jimmy thats how i die on wikipedia . Wow, well, thank you, i think. Happy birthday jimmy thank you, marin. Appreciate that. What a beautiful song. Marin morris, everybody. Thank you. [cheers and applause] youll have to work on the song for next year. [cheers and applause] you know, music is something that almost everyone loves. One of the side effects of love is hate, and no one does hate better than twitter. Every once in a while we go through a lot of tweets to find some of the notnice things people write and turn them over to the people they were written about, and with that said, its time for a new music edition of mean Billie Eilish dress like she got her clothes stolen at the gym so they gave her what they had in the lost and found. They look like they have a white van with free candy written on the side. Its a black van. Soulless, purposeless, virtuous sellout. Nice doritos commercial you piece of [ bleep ]. Theres people that dont like me . What the [ bleep ]. Id rather listen to a barn full of baby pigs being vaccinated than luke bryans new song. I have vaccinated baby pigs. And thats awful. How crazy are you on a scale of one to perry ferrell. Oh. Out of 100 perry ferrell. Why does trey cool from greenday look like the emow version of ted cruz . Well. I feel like leon burgess makes music for straight white couples to dance to in their kitchens, but only if they have granite tops. I still like it even though im gay and poor. Why does a member look like a jock thats also a vampire. Okay, ill take it as a compliment. What if god is really john maher covering Dave Matthews covers at that bar your dad likes. How is he still alive. Bus passes and happy mills, two things i mimagine lizzo has seen a lot of. He makes music for people who taste the gas before they fill up their truck. Thats pretty good. Ill giveem that one. I just watched a beautiful performance of cashrdi b, and tt bitch just looks loud without any sound on. How i look loud . How i look loud . Im loud . I dont even think im like loud. My ass. Jimmy youre at a perfect volume, cardi. Tonight on the show, music from Zac Brown Band. Don johnson is here. And well be right back with ray romano. Abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by doordash. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Wget 25 off home decor,. Target holideals bedding, bath and more. This weekend only. Save on everything you need for when Friends Family come home for the holidays. New holideals arrive all season long. Only at target. You dont let a cold ruin your day. You take dayquil severe liquicaps and crush it. Dayquil severe. The daytime, coughing, aching, stuffyhead, fever, sore throat, power through your day, medicine. Touch is the most important thing that i do. I like to feel things. I love something feeling intuitive. I love something feeling natural. Its awesome, it gets me super excited. You cant fake the goodness the crunch of real almonds the taste of real raspberries we use real ingredients because you cant fake. Delicious special k the holidays are here. Welc audience cheering ight. I love your material. So warm and cozy. And festive. What material are you talking about . And were out of time all outerwear, jeans and sweaters are up to fifty percent off. Thats up to fifty percent off. At old navy. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. walthe camera just relief. Hey goes where you go. Out statler it makes my other video chatting devices look old and obsolete. waldorf well, if anyone knows old and obsolete, its you waldorf and statler hahahahaha statler huh . statler vo portal from facebook a more secure diaper closure. There were babies involved. And they werent saying much. Thats what we do at 3m, we listen to people, even those who dont have a voice. We are people helping people. Jimmy tonight, from the new movie knives out, don johnson is here. Then, their album is called the owl. Zac brown band from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. You can see zac brown on tour starting february 28th in moline, illinois. Tomorrow night, Jeff Goldblum and Camila Morrone will join us. And well have music from jeff with the Mildred Snitzer orchestra featuring sharon van etten. So please join us for that. Jimmy it turns out our first guest really is loved by everybodyincluding Martin Scorsese, who cast him alongside Robert De Niro, al pacino and joe pesci in the irish man. It is in select theaters now and premieres on Netflix November 27th. Please welcome ray romano. [cheers and hey jimmy ray, its great to have you here. Oh, were both going to be disappointed. Jimmy did you know this is the third time youve been on the show on my birthday . I apologize for that. Its a horrible gift. Jimmy its a nice gift. Kennedy got marilyn monroe, and you get me, yeah. Jimmy youre like a hairy version of marilyn. Happy birthday. Jimmy you give me advice, on my 50th birthday you gave me some advice. What should i expect . Whats going on . Youre 52 right . Jimmy yes. Are things happening . Things should be happening. Jimmy things are more not happening than happening. More of a decline. Its a little of both because i get e yes, yes, i know what talking about, but then things happen more. I get bruises now, i dont know what i did. You know, like a mystery bruise . Jimmy yes. It freaks me out, because youre probably not at this stage yet, but i keep a bruise journal, thats what i do. If you hit, you right down. Two days from now, okay, you match it up. Jimmy you monitor yourself like that. Yes. Jimmy its very thorough. I dont know. Its weird. Its either that, or this could be a possibility. In my sleep, my wife is punching me. My wife is punching me, yes. Jimmy thats entirely possible. Thats entirely possible. Jimmy are you getting wiser . Or just more bruisable . Well, i cant get dumber. I dont think i can get dumber. Im quite dumb. Im, with the amount of successi success ive had, like the degree of difficulty like in a dive . Jimmy you beat the curve. I try to read more, you know . People give me, a lot of people have given me, like selfhelp books. I got, i got the Shonda Rhimes one, the year of yes. Jimmy yes, she wasser hoo. That was very helpful, i read that. It was helpful until my other buddy gave me the power of no. Im right where i started. Im back where i started. [ laughter ] i need like the miracle of maybe. Jimmy something nice right in the middle. Youre still not on social media, right . I am not. Jimmy you dont do it . I just feel people are so concerned, how many followers. Its just not healthy. You know, jesus had 12 followers. He did okay. He did fine. [cheers and applause] jimmy thats debatable. Are you doing standup right now . I do a little bit. You know, i did a special, netflix special last february. Jimmy right, that was great, yeah. [cheers and applause] thank you, and i love doing it, but the down side of it for me is you kind of have to retire that material. Its done. Jimmy yeah. You dont have to, but you should. Jimmy you should, yeah. I dont do enough standup now to generate new material. It comes so slowly. But what happened, and i know a lot of people come up and say true story, true story, im telling you this is what happened. Jimmy okay. And it was two nights ago. In my dream, i wrote a joke. I wrote a joke. Something happened, and i made a comedic observation in the dream. Jimmy mmhm. When you wake up, you find out, its not really that good. But heres what happened in my dream. And the only reason im telling you is it actually happened. Jimmy okay. A guy was talking to me, he said a sentence and got halfway through the sentence and got distracted. He had to leave. And the part he got up to was, he said, and then i had to borrow his anal and then he had to leave, okay . And so, in my dream i thought to myself, if, if you just heard the beginning of that sentence, and then i had to borrow his and you made a top ten list of the worst words could you put after that. Jimmy uhhuh. Anal would be in that top ten. Jimmy yeah, sure, probably top five. Did you work out any of the other ones . Im trying to see, i almost feel guilty making it, because i feel like i didnt write it, i mean, i did write it, but it was the guy in the dream who wrote it. I dont have anything to follow it except first of all, if there is a sentence like that, borrowed is a weird word. Jimmy mmhm. Because, if, if youre borrowing something anal, its just like, you know what . Keep it. Keep it. I dont want it back. [ laughter ] again, im only telling because it happened. Jimmy that has happened to me, many, many times, and i keep a notepad next to my bed. 75 of the time i cannot read what i wrote down. Its either not funny or incomprehensible. Hows your family doing . Familys good. One of the boys works here. Jimmy thats right. And hes one of the twins. Theyre out of the house. Jimmy mmhm. The only one left in the house is my 19yearold, and hes, i dont know how to describe this kid, i really dont. I cant tell, i cant tell if hes, like, like the dumbest kid in the world or, im only saying that because he might be the deepest. I dont know. All i know, he says things that i dont quite know thousahow to to. The other day he went to some party and came home at 6 00 a. M. So i hear him. I get up, i go in the hallway, i go joe, you come home at 6 00 a. M. . And he doesnt say anything. He keeps walking to his bedroom and looks and goes, for now. And i go, huh . I swear to god, blew my mind. Because i started thinking, hes right. Time has no meaning. And i fell in like a rabbit hole. I went, i went into the be