Because mostly i just keep doing this. But over the last couple weeks my future and maybe even my destiny has become more clear. My plan is to move to newfoundland to become mayor of a small but fascinating town. The people of have a new neighbor. One of the oldest motorcycle clubs in the country. And the Small Community making a big statement about plastic bags. These stories plus dildos ready for jimmy kimmel if jimmy is ready for dildo. Yes, he is. Hes never been more ready for dildo. Right, guillermo . Oh, right, guillermos not here because guillermo is in dildo. Hes leading my advance team. And word on the street in dildo is theres a lot of excitement for his visit. Any sign of guillermo yet . Well, caroline, not yet. Were still waiting around to see. But everyones eyes are peeled for guillermo and thats what everyones talking about too. Theyre wondering where he is, when hes going to arrive. Jimmy thats pretty much what we wonder every day here at work. [ laughter ] its like a tropical storm. Anyway, minutes from now we will check in with guillermo, who is in dil we want to hear all about his first dildo experience. [ laughter ] i dont know. I think this plan makes sense for me. The United States and canada have one of if not the closest relationship of any two countries in the world. We share the worlds longest border. Our militaries work hand in hand. We have the largest trading relationship of any two nations on the planet. But we also have donald trump, which complicates things. And this is an interesting nugget. Back in 2017 our president sent handwritten notes to the canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, and he wrote those notes in sharpie. For real. Axios reported when trudeau got the first note in sharpie he felt it was a prank. They called the white house to make sure the notes were really from trump. Somebody had to say, yeah, yeah, he sent it in sharpie. Not just sharpie. Silver sharpie. He used a silver sharpie pen. So one of the notes he wrote on the cover of Bloomberg Business week, Justin Trudeau is on the cover, and they called him the antitrump. And trump wrote, looking good. Hope its not true. [ laughter ] just to recap, trump tore the cover off a magazine, wrote on it in sharpie, and mailed it to the Prime Minister of canada. Like the Zodiac Killer or something. [ laughter ] Justin Trudeau, by the way, isnt the president s only pen pal. Trump was bragging this weekend about a love letter he received from his man in north korea. I got a very beautiful letter from kim jong un yesterday. It was delivered, handdelivered it was a very positive letter. What did he say . Id love to give it to you. I really would. He really wrote a beautiful, from top to bottom, a really beautiful letter. Jimmy so beautiful his lip gets all sweated up talking about it. [ laughter ] he mentioned his three pages from top to bottom. As if word count like its a book report. And if that wasnt enough he tweeted about the letter too. He said the letter contained a small apology for test the shortrange missiles. Im sure that id love to see it. I bet anything theres no snaul apology, theres no apology of any size in that letter. That is a load of crap. But he went on and he said i look forward to seeing kim jong un in the not too distant future. This is how he responds after a missile launch. He probably saw the word launch and thought it said lunch. [ laughter ] he was like, hey. It was like he made a friend at dictator cam. And now he wants to have a sleepover. I dont know what his plan is with this but the president has shown kim jong un so much affection, watch this. Watch this and try to imagine him saying any of this stuff about melania. My relationship is very good with chairman kim. I have a very Good Relationship with kim jong un. Gre relationship with kim jong un. I think the relationship that weve developed has meant so much to so many people. I have a Good Relationship with him. I like him. He likes me. Hes quite a guy and quite a character. And i think our relationship is very strong. He follows my twitter. But hes never had a relationship with anybody from this country and hasnt had lots of relationships anywhere. The relationship is really a good one. We respect each other. We respect each other. Maybe we like each other. And then we fell in love. Okay . No, really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And theyre great letters. We fell in love. Jimmy well, there you are. [ cheers and applause ] theyre going to have some ugly kids. Meanwhile, the frontrunner for the democrats has been having some trouble with his mouth. Joe biden made not one but two dopey comments at the iowa state fair. This one on the subject of donald trump. Everybody knows who donald trump is. Even his supporters know who he is. Weve got to let him know who we are. We choose unity over division. We choose science over fiction. We choose truth over facts. [ laughter ] jimmy thats what happens when you let him out in the sun without a hat. Even Kellyanne Conway was like, what . [ laughter ] then bide hen to tap dance his way out of this. We have this notion that somehow if youre poor you cannot do it. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. Wealthy kids. Black kids. Asian kids. Jimmy Cabbage Patch kids. Sour patch kids. [ laughter ] its oh, boy. [ cheers and applause ] well, at least hes saying this stuff by accident. But biden isnt backing down. Hes not making excuses. This is a man who speaks his mind, whether it makes a bit of sense or not. Im running for president because i believe this country can do better than the divisiveness and hate of donald j. Crew. I believe america should work for everyone, whether youre rich or stupid, black or ma male or transvegetable, chicken or fish, woman or baby goat. Were all part of this great country. And next september we need to send a message to arnold trump. Hasta la vista, baby. So please join us by sending 303027 to http hashtag 3022 dot aol at gmail. Im joe mama and i approve this message. [ applause ] jimmy heres one for joe mama. My campaign to lead the into to dildo is really heating up. They ask a question of the week on the local tv there. This was the question this week. In our nqo question of the week we asked do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dildo . Well have the results on monday. Jimmy okay. Well, its monday, and the results are in. Lets see how i did. Time now for the results of our nqo question of the week. This woke we asked you do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dilledo . And heres what you said. 52 of you said yes. 48 of you said no. Wow. Thats a close one. [ applause ] jimmy im not running against anybody. There must be some kind of russian interference here because i mentioned that my advance team touched down in dildo this weekend. Theyre distributing signs all over the community for supporters to post around town. You can see weve got a sign there by the water. Weve got signs on peoples homes. Weve got it at the dildo brewing company. They posted a sign. And also outside the coffee shop, which is our official campaign headquarters. And lets go live to those headquarters now to dildo coffee and crab where guillermo has landed. [ applause ] hi, everyone. Hi, guillermo. Hows dildo . Guillermo dildo is great. Fantastic jimmy it is . Are you excited to be there . Guillermo ive been excited. People here are very friendly. I love dildo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy why does it sound like youre reading a script in a hostage video . [ laughter ] guillermo never, jimmy. Thats from the bottom of my heart. Jimmy really . Because i saw a Text Exchange that you had with one of our producers, jen. And she said hey, lets put the text up. She said, hey, guillermo, were sending you to dildo all next week. And you said i think is bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] and then she said, we have you booked on a red eye sunday night. And you said, so is confirmed is bull [ bleep ]. The whole week . Unbelievable. [ laughter ] guillermo jimmy. Jimmy yes. Guillermo i was drunk, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy how does that differ from all right. Are you happier now that youre there . Guillermo im very happy, jimmy. Its so nice. So beautiful. Jimmy what did your wife say when you told her you were leaving her for dildo . [ laughter ] guillermo she told me bring me something from dildo. Jimmy okay. Now, tell me about the town. What are your impressions so far . Guillermo so far its so good, jimmy. Everybody like i say is friendly. Its nice. Its a beautiful city here. Jimmy andrew is next to you. Andrew pretty. Hes been helping us organize our campaign. How is giermo fitting in . Is he doing a good job representing me . He was until we seen that text. [ laughter ] jimmy well, dont worry, guillermo, youll only be there for a whole week explaining that. Guillermo its okay, jimmy. I like dildo. Jimmy oh, okay. Andrew, hows it going . How am i doing . How am i polling . I saw 52 to 48. Im concerned. The thing is we dont have an electoral college. So the majority vote goes. So we now how that worked for trump. Jimmy all right. John is also there. John reed. He performed an original song last week. John, what was the name of the song . Just remind us. The dildo song. Jimmy the dildo song. I love that song. Have you been signed to a label yet . Have you been receiving any calls . No. But jimmy, its just like weve got a big thing going here now. Jimmy now, i also see someone very special just behind guillermo. We saw a news clip last week and they asked the locals if they believed i was going to actually come to dildo and everyone said no except for one man and that is this gentleman, my new best friend in dildo, brent. Hello, brent. Hows it going . [ applause ] im nug. Jimmy nug . Why do they call you nug . Because i aint shaped like a french fry. [ laughter ] jimmy i see. Okay. Well, what are we going to do for fun, brent, when i get there . Oh, buddy, ive got some spots to show you. Good times. Jimmy you do . Are you going to show guillermo any of those spots . Oh, hes coming later on tonight after we leave here. Guillermo. Guillermo thats right. Hat and all. Jimmy oh, guillermo, i love this so much. Well, thank you. Hey, brent, thank you. Nug, thank you for your support. And john and andrew and everybody there. Im so glad to have you as part of the team. Can i count on you . Can i say youre part of the team . I see youre all wearing the hats and stuff. Yes . [ applause ] and youre going to go out and bang on doors in the community. Hey, by the way, since i do a show, a latenight show, id like it if you go knock on doors in the middle of the night. That seems like it would be the best, right . Whoo guillermo whatever you say, boss. Were trying to institute some of your ideas. Weve already got the dildonuts. Jammi kimmel flavor. Jimmy theyre not the right shape. But okay. [ laughter ] i was thinking something oblong. Thank you. Well be checking in with you all week. Get out there and make me the mayor of this town. We have to get going. The summer goes by fast. Guillermo, youre in charge. All right . Guillermo thats right. Were going to start right now. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and let me just say one more thing. I understand that im not canadian. But i figure if we can have a dildo running america why cant we have an american running dildo . [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. We have music from pete yorn. Whitney cummings is here. And well be right back with bob oden kirk. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by volkswagen. This is something bigger. That is big. Not as big as that. Big. Bigger. Big. Bigger. This is big. And thats bigger. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat sprint you can trade in your hiphone 6s or newerhat now at in any condition, seriously any condition, and get the brilliant iphone xr for just 0 a month . Well, now you know. Trade up. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Alright, so this is how you are going to say. Youll get the best deal of the year on xfinity tv and internet. And you even get this. Mike, youre on balloons. Sarah, youre gonna high five everybody. Ben, youre gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. Dont miss the xfinity best deal of the year. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Get amazing tv and internet during our best deal of the year. With huge savings of 600 over 2 years. Plus a speed upgrade to 400 megs, free for 2 years. And ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. Click, call or visit a store today. Jimmy tonight wref we have a new netflix comedy special called can i touch it. Witney cummings is here with us. This is not her album. She had nothing to do with this. But whitney brought a sex robot that looks just like her. Its weird. This is his new album. Its called caretakers. Pete yorn from the mercedesbenz stage tonight. You can see pete live on tour starting october 9th in sapta ana, california. Tomorrow night henry wichkler will be here. Roselyn sanchez will join us. Well have music from daniel caesar. And later this week, jim gaffigan, gerard butler, david alan grier, dave salmoni and his wild animal friends, plus music from snoop dogg and the avett brothers. But not together. So please join us for that. For ten years our first guest has been playing a character who goes by many names, but you know him best as saul. He is nominated for an emmy for his work in Better Call Saul, which returns to amc early next year. Please welcome bob odenkirk. [ cheers and applause ] nute. Oh. No. This is a practice emmy. Jimmy its a practice emmy . Yeah. Jimmy did they give those to the like all the nominees . No. I got this at goodwill. [ laughter ] its some show called small wonder. Jimmy oh, that was a great show. Sure. It won best show ever. Jimmy and why did you get it . Oh, just to warm up. You know, because this is my fourth time, jimmy, and i think its the charm. I think definitely winning. Jimmy oh, really . Absolutely going to win this one jimmy okay. You know, i i think its the third time is the charm. But the competition in your category is very, very tough. How do you know youre going to win . The numbers dont lie. And i crunched them. [ laughter ] jimmy what numbers specifically did you crunch . Jimmy. Ye of little faith. Jimmy these are jacket numbers . Oh. Wow. Those are my stats. Jimmy what am i looking at . I gave 110 every time i acted this year. Jimmy 110 every time. You can look and see. 110, 110. Jimmy i am seeing a lot of 110s. All these guys are wonderful thespians. They gave it their all. 100 . But that extra 10 , thats what i got. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, yeah, i can see. I dont know if people can see. There are a lot of 110s. But what about the ones that say 20 . Does that mean those are days you gave only 20 . Thats when there was a cubs game on. Jimmy oh. And then some of the days theres zeros actually. Which thats when i was planning my emmy speech. Distracting. Jimmy how did they get this like how did they get a reading on what percent youre giving . Oh. Its its a simple sensor. It just they put it in your lower intestine. Its a little metal wand. Jimmy how does it get in there . You ever have a colonoscopy . Jimmy yeah. Anyway. Just some information if you want jimmy nobody told me about this. I didnt know. Ive been given like oh, wow. That goes right up in there. [ laughter ] its kind of a long metal wand. That old microphone. Jimmy does it hurt . It hurts like hell jimmy it looks like it hurts. But it was worth it [ laughter ] jimmy thats the first time my reading glass have appeared on the show. I heard youre writing a memoir. I am. Jimmy youre going back all the way to the beginning of yeah. Its called comedy, comedy, comedy drama sxwrrpt is that the name . Thats the real name. Because i did comedy for most of my career. Saturday night live. Mr. Show. Many things. [ applause ] lots of stuff. And i thought i thought it would be kind of fun to write. Jimmy right. Wrong. Jimmy not true . Do you remember like everything . No, i dont remember a thing. Jimmy how do you get i have to interview people. And they remind you of what an ass you were. Jimmy is that what youre getting . Its true. And then people are very generous. But i dont believe them. But it is really hard to remember what you did. Jimmy youre relying on other people to remember things about you, which is kind of selfabsorbed just to start with. Its horrible. Heres the thing. If youre going to write a memoir or a biography, just pick someone you like. Jimmy to write it about . Not yourself. Pick the worst, most person in your life. Jimmy do you find people are being blunt with you and saying oh, no. Theyre mostly nice. Sometimes people say i was a [ bleep ]. But i knew that then. I was a very critical guy when i was younger. Jimmy i see. Since then ive softened up from getting punched in the head. Jimmy how did you soften up . You know. Time. Right . You stop being so critical. Jimmy a lot of people go the other way. As they get older they get more critical. Well, thats sad. Jimmy do you feel because you have two children who are older not old but theyre of breeding age certainly. Does that inhibit you when you decide no. Because ive always been really pretty honest, as honest as i could be with the kids. You know, so if i talk about, say, drugs i might say, you know, if youre going to do mushrooms be in hawaii. [ laughter ] jimmy no, thats no, but really. I didnt do a lot of drugs. So its easy for me to be honest. I didnt like them. Jimmy you didnt like them. Well, thats something. Will that be covered in the book . No. Im going to talk about showbiz stories. Pure shallow the shallowest memoir youve ever read. Thats my goal. Just showbiz. Jimmy will this appearance be in the book . It will be a huge chunk of the book. Jimmy im going to be totally honest with you. When someone i know writes a book about their life and they talk about showbiz stories i go right to the back and then i never see my name at the end. Ill jam it in there. Jimmy please. Just put me in the appendix. I dont care if im even mentioned. Ill figure out a way jimmy kimmel, jimmy. Remember i like it like that. You were raised catholic, correct . Yes. Which means im an atheist now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] first joke i ever told in standup. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy theres something for your book right there. Did you think about maybe instead of comedy, comedy, comedy drama you just call it comedy, comedy drama, then its ccd and then youve got a whole religious subtext . Oh. Jimmy did you go to ccd . Yes, i did. For years. Jimmy and it didnt take . I dont know. Maybe it worked too well