Im jimmy kimmel. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching from the comfort of your homes. Welcome to the zappos theater. We are right in the heart of las vegas strip. Thats very nice. This is our second night in the desert. Thanks for coming to visit us. We are in las vegas, and let me tell you something. Out of all the shows you could go to, you could have went to see sierra, you could have gone to see barry manilow, celine dion. You chose the one where a middleaged man stands and sits almost completely still for a whole hour. [ cheers and applause ] and i appreciate it. Thank you for supporting performers with no abilities at all. This is, there are so many shows here in las vegas. I went to see love the other night with my family. That is quite a show. [ applause ] i had no idea the beatles were so talented. It really is phenomenal. There are so many Cirque Du Soleil shows. Theres Michael Jackson one, because thats the number of people who want to see it after that documentary. Vegas has changed a lot. For one, i can buy beer instead of having my friends older sister tammy to go buy it for me. I feel like i know everyone everywhere i go. And theyve even been talking about us on the local fox the channel. They have a show called more access. This could easily be one of the biggest entertainment weeks vegas has seen. We have the opening of chaos, and of it starts with jimmy kimmel returning home to planet hollywood. Well have more from jimmy tonight. Jimmy you better have more, because that wasnt much. Tune in tonight as jimmy kimmel reveals all about a budget. Today also happened to be election day in las vegas. The mayoral primary was going on. Its still going on. The current mayor, Carolyn Goodman whose husband Oscar Goodman was the mayor for a long time before her was up for election. She doesnt have much in the way of competition, up against six challengers, including a minister, a life coach and a sex in the city slot machine. How many of you voted today . Be honest. Okay. How many of you smoked pot today here in vegas . [ cheers and applause ] this is why we have no laws in this town. Everything is legal in las vegas. Its like the purge every single day. Speaking of the purge, i was kind of hoping i could go the whole week without mentioning president trump, but he was on tv today. And hes talking about the mueller report, and he had a little troubling with the word origin. I hope they look at the oranges. You look at the origin of that investigation. The mueller report, i wish covered the oranges, how it started. Jimmy what happens is he wakes up every morning, sees the color of his face and the rest of the day he has that word stuck in his head. And that wasnt [ cheers and applause ] by the way, that wasnt even the weirdest quote of the day. That honor goes to this. Germany honestly isnt paying their share. I have Great Respect for angela and the country. My father was german. Born in a very wonderful place in germany. So i have a great feeling for germany. Thats great, but unfortunately for that story, Donald Trumps father was not born in germany. He was born in the bronx, which would, which would mean j. Lo is from germany too, i guess. Its, at this point, hes just messing with us, right . Hes now questioning his own fathers birth certificate. We have a great show for you tonight. We have headlining with us on the strip, Tiffany Haddish and the killers are here, separately, not together, although that would be a pretty great band. And we have another great band with us. Please say hello to our band of 16 years, las vegass own cleto and the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] and where is our beloved security guard, guillermo. Hes not in his spot. Where is guillermo . [ siren ] medieval maniacs, make some noise, for the night line, chance, the gila monster, number 71, william carlson. Number 89, alex carr. And number zero, guillermo its knight time yeah jimmy a little Golden Knight in shining armor. And weve got the band from the Golden Knights. We have, from the vegas Golden Knights, William Karlsson and alex tuch. There they are. Congratulations on the playoffs, guys. Theyre going, theyre going. Thank you, knights. Thank you, jimmy. Jimmy go get that stanley cup so we can fill it with frozen margaritas. Yeah jimmy thats a much better outfit than last night, by the way. Yeah, thank god. Jimmy last night, guillermo was dressed as show girl. And a lot of people in the front section threw up. So we put them in pads tonight. Congratulations to a man who brought great joy to basketball fans in this city, formerrrr running rebel Larry Johnson was selected to be enshrined in the College Basketball hall of fame. Congratulations to lj. He was the best. They should put his gold tooth in the hall of fame, too. Have you ever had the pleasure of walking down the strip, you know its jampacked with people from all over the world. Most of whom have one thing in common. They are drunk. They are completely hammered before lunch. Day drinking is one of the foundations of this city. So we thought it would be fun to make that into a pedestrian question. We went out on las vegas boulevard this morning and asked people a simple question. We asked, are you drunk. So the way this works is, were going to see someone introduce him or herself and well try to guess whether that person is under the influence, all right . Lets meet our first pedestrian. Good morning. Whats your name . Tommy wilson. Tommy, are you drunk . We start easy. Is tommy drunk . Jimmy lets find out. Yeah, i am. Actually really drunk right now thank you, tommy. Jimmy the enormous beer was a clue. Whos next . Whats your name . Jake norvey. Where are you from . Im from montana. Are you drunk . Jimmy is jake drunk . Im very drunk. Started the day with two bloodies. Had this. Getting there, 12 00, were having a good time. Jimmy i think he also cuts his own bangs. Next up. Tell us your name. Crazy larry. Larry berg. Are you drunk this morning . Jimmy is crazy larry drunk . Well. Crazy . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy lets find out if crazy larry is drunk. A little bit, no, i just started my first beer, but you know how things go. Im a little high, though. Jimmy well, you know, you dont get a name like crazy larry without being a little high. Whos next . Hi, guys, what you doin . Hey, guys, come on in, whats your name . Im lindsey. Im Ashton Lindsey and ashley, question for you. Are you drunk . Jimmy i hope so. Yes absolutely. I couldnt tell. Jimmy i know who im voting for in 2020. Lindsey and ashley. Thats why they call it the strip. So las vegas probably the number one destination for bachelorette parties in the world. Thats why we are the penis necklace capital of the planet. Its, i have been a part of many bachelor parties over the course of my life, two of my own, but never a Bachelorette Party, so we did some digging and got in touch with a maid of honor in texas. She was throwing her sister a Bachelorette Party here in vegas. We convinced her to let me and guillermo take charge of it. The brides friends didnt know we were coming. Here it is. Guillermo and i guiding a bunch of bachelorettes. We have something really fun thats going to happen right now. Okay. Are you ready . I think so. Are you sure . I dont know. So i want you to come in here. Hi, girls how are you . How you doin . Jimmy are you val . Yes. Jimmy val, youre about to have the greatest night of your life. Are you ready . Yes. Jimmy get on the bus. Everybody get on the bus. Wanna have fun jimmy ladies, im jimmy, ill be your party guide tonight. You can call me captain jim. This is guillermo, my assistant. Thats right. Yeah jimmy we have many events planned for you. We could go to area 51, we could play paint ball. We could go to the hoover dam. We could go see menopause the musical. No . Or we could go to a pole dancing class. Pole dancing. Jimmy pole dancing it is. Lets go to the pole. Jimmy val . Yes. Jimmy a toast to you. Youre getting married. Yes, i am. Jimmy a toast to val, everyone. Woo jimmy this is my first Bachelorette Party, so im excited. Me too. Welcome jimmy do any of you have any stripping experience . No. Jimmy okay, not everyone said no. So val, how long have you known your fiance . Eight years. Jimmy eight years . Wow. How do you like his mother . I love her. Jimmy you do . Yes. Good for you, i dont like my motherinlaw. She got a good one. Jimmy and thats an understatement. Yes. I want everyone to stay hydrated tonight, all right . All right. Jimmy its very important. Yes, sir. Jimmy lets go to the pole. Okay. This is stripper 101. Be ready to polish dance. This is heather. She will be your instructor. Fabulous, wonderful, welcome, welcome. Come on in, ladies, you can put your stuff down. Cubbyholes there. Jimmy cubbyholes are for your personal property. Lets get started. Our first tip, ladies, youre always reaching nice and high on the poles. Yep, thats it. Jimmy tip number one. Begin high on the pole. Very good. Second tip is, you see your toes are going to step in towards the base of your pole. So workin it around your pole. Up on the toes. Thats it. Heather, i feel like im bringing sexy back. Yeah, you got it. You look great, guillermo. Im going into what we call the alternating knees move. Jimmy this is called the alternating knees move, everyone. Just like it sounds, youre going to work the knees. Jimmy just like a motley crew video. Alternate the knees. Jimmy alternate the knees. Youre going to get that booty right up in the air. Jimmy now everyone say together, why dont you love me, daddy . Well, thank you, heather. Great job, everything. [ applause ] jimmy all right, gather your personal belongings. Dont forget to check the cubbyholes for everything. We have a surprise for you on the bus. Ad to the bus. We have no time to waste. All right, so we have Something Special here for you. Val, this is, i guess i dont need the bull horn for this. Yes. This is mystic mona, right here. Go ahead and have a seat right next to her. What i need to do with your left hand, draw me five cards. Jimmy how much are we betting on this . How much do you want to bet on this . Oh, these are beautiful cards. Major card, major card, major card. Jimmy pokemon card. Heres the thing. Im going to go a little bit into your past by saying that jimmy youve been with a lot of guys. A few toads. There might have been a few toads, but your guy is a total keeper. Im ready. This is a card that says youre about to get some kind of epiphany or idea for a new business. Jimmy oh, no, thats not true. This is saying whatever you do for work you are good enough to teach other people how to do it. Oh yeah. Youre having an epiphany. Jimmy teach people to get drunk at work . Im going to read everybodys tequila leaves. To mystic mona. To mystic mona jimmy and her cards. Be careful as you exit the bus. Its time to go see naked men. All right, ladies, are you ready to party . Yes jimmy this way. I wonder where guillermo s. Come here, baby, i got a little surprise for you. Make some noise for your guest, guillermo they just wanna have fun [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our maid of honors here i believe in the audience tonight. Thanks, michelle. Is it true that everyone took off their tops in the bus after we went home . Im going to plead the fifth. Jimmy oh, my god. We miss everything fun, guillermo. Oh, its too late. Jimmy tonight on the show, we have music from the killers, and well be right back with Tiffany Haddish from the las vegas strip. 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I learned humira can help get, and keep uc under control when other medications havent worked well enough. And it helps people achieve control that lasts. So you can experience few or no symptoms. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Be there for you, and them. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, control is possible. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Youre fabulous, las vegas. We have another big show for you tonight. James taylor was supposed to be here tonight. He has a twelve show residency coming up at Caesars Palace from april 17th to may 11th, and he will be ready to go for that, but tonight, he has the flu. He could not make the trip so the killers are covering for him. Literally, tonight, the killers will cover a james taylor classic this is their box set, its called the killers career vinyl box. Night two with the killers from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, kevin hart will be here. Well have music from marshmello with chvrches. And later this week, seth rogen, mike tyson, iggy azalea, and celine dion. So please join us for all of that. Our guest tonight is one of the funniest people in the world. She is a major movie star with a tv show too. You can see her alongside tracy morgan on the last o. G. Tuesday nights on tbs. Please welcome Tiffany Haddish. [ cheers and applause ] put my shoes on, put my shoes on. Come sit down right here, come sit down right here. Put my shoes on. Get it in the hole, baby, put it in the hole baby. Jimmy this is a very practical lap dance you have going on here. Hi, yall [ cheers and applause ] yall see how i got please then puttin these shoes on. Lets see if can you go, stick it in there, boy, get tight. Jimmy you guys dont have kids, i guess. No. Jimmy oh, we can see a little of your crack. Okay. Give it all for the bunion, baby. Jimmy all right, thank you, gentlemen. I think. [ cheers and applause ] my seat is so comfortable. Jimmy i know it is more comfortable. Would be more comfortable on the actual seat . I dont know. I like this seat. Whats your name . Okay, john, ill see you later. Jimmy thanks, guys. Yall look great. Take that furniture. This is some moving company you hired. Damn, they smell, good, too. Jimmy are you a fan of male strippers . Oh, yeah, thats my thing. Jimmy thats your thing . Yeah, i love to see a man dancing around with no clothes on, thats beautiful. Jimmy do you go to strip clubs . Im an avid male dance review person. Thats why i go to ballet. I love seeing men dance with barely any clothes on. Jimmy where do you go . Theres a few places. Im from los angeles, you got the boom boom room, the hollywood review, then in atlanta, i like to go to swingin riches. Thats my favorite. They butt naked in there. Thats beautiful when i walk in the building then, they know its me. Ooh, tiffany here. Bam, bam, bam. All the men come out, and im like, yeah jimmy do you bring a lot of money . 25. Jimmy 25 total . 25 ones. Jimmy where do you put them . Well, you know, wherever they got pockets. Hopefully in between. This is a family show, right . Jimmy not really. Right between the nuts and the balls. Right up in there. Theres thing. I crease it like that. Jimmy okay, well, thats good. I love objectifying men. There aint nothing like it. Jimmy you do. When was the first time were you in las vegas . How old were you when you were here . The first time i was in vegas i was probably 6 or 7 years old. Jimmy very young. I remember going to circus circus. When you put a quarter in the bed it vibrate. I thought it was best ride of all time. Jimmy called magic fingers. Huh . Jimmy magic fingers. It was just, eeeeee that was nice. My bed now vibrates. I got me one of those beds that the head come up and the legs come up and it vibrates. I think thats from my childhood. Jimmy do you really have a bed that vibrates . Yeah. Come on over, no youre married. If you got a wife, i dont want you, i dont want you in my bed if you got a wife. Jimmy you just got off a standup comedy tour. Im wrapping it up. Jimmy it had a rocky start. Just one, just one. You aint never, you ever had a bad day at work . Jimmy no. You never had a bad day at work . Jimmy theyre all bad days, yeah. New years eve, it was just a bad day at work. See, what happened was, i dont know if you notice was, what happened was i had a bad day at work. Jimmy yeah. I worked a lot last year, you know. I had 40 days off. And out of those 40 days i only slept in my actual bed 28 of those d