this was a weird day. our president this afternoon, donald trump treated the media gathered in new york to a rambling, angry, jumbled, dishonest, and frequently incoherent hour and 20 minute long press conference. it might still be going, i don't know. i don't even know where to start. the wheels are off the wagon. it's time to put grandpa in an assisted living facility. because he cannot care for himself. what a performance this was. it was like the craziest voice mail from your mom ever. [ laughter ] it went on and on and all over the place, he hammered everybody, china, canada, the media, obama, george washington got it. [ laughter ] it was bananas. they say rod rosenstein wanted to tape him to show everyone he's nuts? not necessary, he did it himself. [ laughter ] he got himself on tape, we have the evidence, tom arnold can call off the search! [ laughter ] it was some press conference. they could easily have sold this thing to netflix as a comedy special. >> if you look at mr. pillsbury, the leading authority on china, he was on a good show, i won't mention the name of the show, and he was saying china has total respect for donald trump and for donald trump's very, very large -- brain. >> jimmy: brain, it's very, very large. it's because of the -- this is not a good thing, when your brain is swelling it means you have cte. it's common in the nfl. they got into the fact in the press conference that trump always seems to side with the men who are accused of sexual misconduct, and never seems to believe the women. and he even admitted the reason he feels that way is because there have been so many accusations made against him. >> i've had a lot of false charges made against me. i'm a very famous person, unfortunately. >> jimmy: yeah, right. [ laughter ] very unfortunate. donald trump hates being famous. in fact, i don't know who it was that put his name in such giant letters on these buildings. but whoever did this owes him an apology bigly. and immediately. trump also weighed in on the fact that everyone laughed at him at the u.n. general assembly yesterday. that was a moment that obviously got under his orangey skin. >> they weren't laughing at me, they were laughing with me. we had fun. that was not laughing at me. so the fake news said people laughed. at president trump. they didn't laugh at me. people had a good time with me. >> jimmy: yeah, no. [ laughter ] they were laughing at you. they were definitely laughing at you. the press conference, this press conference was successful only in that he did not physically melt or explode during it. [ laughter ] the craziest part is i bet he thinks he nailed it. right now i bet he's sitting in bed eating a celebratory box of the colonel's extra crispy wiping his hands on the sheets, you know? [ laughter ] while our dem admitted president was working himself into a lather in new york there were new new allegations against his nominee for the supreme court, brett kavanaugh, aka the 40-year-old virgin, facing another accusation from a woman who says she knew him when they were in high school, she alleges he and his friends would target girls with alcohol and quaaludes in order to take advantage of them sexually. just like that, we have a new spokesperson for jell-o pudding. [ laughter ] we lose a cosby. and this is the third woman to accuse kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. her name is julie swetnick. she claims in 1982 she was drugged and gang raped at a party where kavanaugh was present. kavanaugh denies this too, doesn't know who she is, doesn't know what happened. unfortunately for him julie swetnick is represented by michael avenatti, who represents stormy daniels, and that is interesting. now the president's apologists in the senate, instead of addressing the'ses themselves, they are aattacking the woman's representati representative. for instance senator bill cassidy of louisiana the source is being considered, not the accuser but avenatti, avenatti lawyer to porn star. senator lindsey graham pulled the same deal, the lawyer to porn stars has taken this debacle to a lower level. the lawyer to porn stars. the part of the bio he's forget is "lawyer to porn stars our president had sex with." these are very specific porn stars. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, brett kavanaugh seems to be backing off his claim on fox news that he was a model student in his prepared testimony today. he wrote in retrospect i said and did things in high school that make me cringe now. in retrospect you said things on fox news three days ago that should make you cringe now. [ laughter and applause ] tomorrow at the hearing kavanaugh and his first accuser, dr. christine blasey ford, will testify before the senate judiciary committee. to make his case, kavanaugh released his social calendar from summer of 1982. this is a calendar he kept when he was a kid. "usa today" got an exclusive look at the calendar and it rea reveals a lot. june 16th, he went to see "grease 2." this is not a joke. in may he was grounded three fridays in a row. yeah the very next day after he was grounded he went to the prom what kind of parenting is that? [ laughter ] and this one really caught my attention, on july 8th and august 16th, he had appointments with someone called dr. strawberry. who is -- sounds like a discount soda from the 99 cent store. [ laughter ] when you google dr. strawberry, which i did, this is what comes up. [ laughter ] even dr. strawberry is a creep, he's definitely having sex with that strawberry, right? [ laughter ] i do have to say though these calendars make -- they do make a case for judge kavanaugh. i mean, look at this. the detail. there's beach week, first of all. then library, didn't have sex, didn't have sex, didn't have sex, finals, didn't have sex, still a virgin, no sex, all good, good boy. [ laughter ] i guess that clears him, right? [ cheers and applause ] i will say i also -- i kept a social calendar when i was in high school too. mine was a little bit different. it was a kirk cameron calendar. [ laughter ] all i had scheduled was those two things. [ laughter ] so even though a third accuser has now come forward and there are reports of more accusations too, potentially five accusers, republicans in congress are still planning to vote on his confirmation at 9:30 friday morning. and because they don't want to be on camera bullying this woman themselves, they're planning to question her in a very sneaky way. >> you are, all of you standing here today, all men, everyone on the judiciary committee, all men. you don't have women making decisions about judge kavanaugh. what message does that send to the american people? >> we're looking for the truth here. we have hired a female assistant to go on staff and to ask these questions in a respectful and professional way. >> jimmy: that's soon son of a mitch. [ laughter ] female assistant. this assistant is a republican prosecutor from arizona, she's a lawyer, not an assistant. and how cowardly is it to hide behind her instead of asking these questions yourselves? all three accusers want the fbi to investigate their claims. republicans, brett kavanaugh, don't want the fbi to investigate. i wonder why that is. at this point donald trump has to be like, i knew we should have gone with judge judy, dammit, i told them! [ laughter ] [ applause ] for now, anyway, trump is standing by his man. he said, brett kavanaugh is an absolute gem. it's weird that donald trump has shown more affection for brett kavanaugh this week than he has for eric and don jr. in really all of their entire lives. [ laughter ] he even tweeted, he tweeted the democrats are playing a high-level con game in their vicious effort to destroy a fine person. it's called the politics of destruction. behind the scene the dems are laughing, pray for brett kavanaugh and his family. do you really think -- do you think -- is there any chance that donald trump has actually prayed for brett kavanaugh and his family? [ laughter ] i mean, really. you think -- maybe we should ask god if donald trump is -- god? god? [ heavenly music ] oh, god, let me get out of your way. wow. it's god. >> hey, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi, there. >> how you doing, man? >> jimmy: doing well, is that you? >> yeah, ain't oprah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't expect you to be so -- um -- >> jewish? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, no. so additional. >> oh, this, yeah. jimmy, it's casual wednesday yeah. >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> yeah, i'm going over to the driving range, hit some balls with arnold palmer. >> jimmy: oh, that's nice. >> sucks, yeah. what do you need? >> jimmy: what's with that band-aid on your face? >> oh, this thing? it's a little squamus. yeah, i'm a lot closer to the sun than you are, should have thought of that when i started this whole mess. >> jimmy: definitely. very sorry to hear that, i hope it works out okay. what i wanted to ask about is these prayers for brett kavanaugh -- >> oh, oh, oh -- >> jimmy: what's going on, is there a problem? >> ix-nay on the air-pray. >> jimmy: why? >> i got enough to deal with without all those idiots praying for a guy they never met. do you have any idea how much i have on my plate? >> jimmy: no i -- >> oh, i, me. world hunger, climate change, kids asking all the time, please help my fortnight score. [ laughter ] now i got this orange imbecile tweeting pray for brett kavanaugh. i got 50 million people talking to me at once, i don't have time for this, it's stressful. >> jimmy: it's right, right, i'm sorry, i was quoting the president. >> don't ever do that. [ laughter ] every time you do that, an angel gets a hemorrhoid. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i won't do it again, i promise. >> right there, right there. >> jimmy: just back to my thing. out of curiosity, has president trump himself been praying for brett kavanaugh? >> uh, all right, let me check, all right. let's see. he has prayed for -- his golf swing. he's prayed for his hands to grow. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> he's prayed for hillary to wear a dress, just once. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> he's prayed for a second date with kim jong-un. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> he's prayed for the burning sensation to go away. [ lauger ] i got that. [ laughter ] he prayed that don jr. isn't his. [ laughter ] ten times he prayed for the mcrib to come back. >> jimmy: oh, wow, okay. >> he prayed for a spray tanner that tastes like happenny mustard. >> jimmy: all right. >> he prayed last night to be a better person. >> jimmy: really. >> no, i'm kidding. [ laughter ] kidding, kidding. and he prayed for robert mueller to get attacked by a shark. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >>yeah, that's what i got. >> jimmy: no brett kavanaugh, though, huh? >> he prayed for -- brett favre? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> brettsomers? >> jimmy: really. >> george brett? for eric not to be his. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> and brett hot dogs. that's it. >> jimmy: a lot of bretts, no kavanaugh though. >> no. >> jimmy: that is what i would have guessed. hey god, while i have you here, have you been getting my prayers? >> yeah, jimmy, i heard them all. you know, for months now. so i'm sorry, my friend, i can't get you on "queer eye." and you're a little chubby to be an astronaut. >> jimmy: all right. just -- >> stop, stop, stop. >> jimmy: i have a chance, i know i can do it -- >> you're embarrassing yourself, please stop. >> jimmy: all right. well, thank you, god. >> yeah, well. anything for my second-favorite oscar host. [ laughter ] me bless you, me bless you all, me bless you all! >> jimmy: thank you, god. [ cheers and applause ] it's god, everybody. see that? [ cheers and applause ] i mean, listen. yeah, we got avril lavigne. we also had god so that's big. hey, we have a great show for you tonight. brett garrett is here with us. avril lavigne is here. and we'll be right back with riz ahmed so stick around! the a...is stolen.es... hijacked from dreams. pulled from decades of obsession. taken from the souls of artists. we confess. we stole everything we could. from everything we've ever mastered. and put it here. the all-new lexus es. every curve. every innovation. every feeling. a product of mastery. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. with secret-slim pockets.tar slimming panels for your best shape in any size. hurry in for 30% off your entire purchase, or 40% off when you use or open an old navy card. and yes, we have your size. only at old navy. directv gives you more for your thing. if you've been waiting for a sign to quit cable, then here's some signs. ♪ quit cable it came from the toaster. ♪ quit cable uh... ♪ quit cable now you can quit cable. switch to directv for $35 per month. rated #1 in customer satisfaction over cable. more for you quitting cable thing. that's our thing. call 1.800.directv. iwomen's tops - $14.99st prices of the season! family shoes - $39.99 and under the big one bath towel or pillow - $2.99! plus - get $5 kohl's cash for every $25 spent! it's the lowest prices of the season! at kohl's! you're in the business of helping people. we're in the business of helping you. business funding to help make a difference. another way we have your back. the powerful backing of american express. don't do business without it. ♪ it♪ so sweet ar ♪ good enough ♪ to eat ♪ it's like ♪ it's like ♪ i like it ♪ it's like sugar >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. tonight from the new show "single parents" which premiered earlier tonight on abc, brad garrett is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] then the song is called "head above water," avril lavigne from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night our guests will be sharon osbourne, jay ellis, we'll have music from t.i. features yo gotti, so please join us for all of that. our first guest is an emmy award-winning actor whom you know from "the night of," "girls," a little arthouse movie called "rogue one." when he's not acting he raps an plays a very bad guy in the new movie "venom" which opens a week from friday. please welcome riz ahmed! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? i like the suit, a good-looking suit you have on there. how are you doing, everything all right? >> yeah, man, got in late last night. >> jimmy: from where? >> from london. just woke up at 5:00 in the morning. >> are you discombobulated? >> yeah, i'm not really sure where i am right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we have -- there's a woman here in our audience tonight from london, she really enjoyed our airport here in l.a. >> oh, really, where is she? hey, what's up? how are you doing? >> jimmy: she's a spy for the royal air force. [ laughter ] >> yeah. weirdly, sat behind me throughout the whole flight, okay? yeah. >> jimmy: what's it like coming through the airport from another country nowadays? >> jimmyi seepen what c ing her. >> right? that's the big thing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was a very long line. >> jimmy: it was, yeah. >> but i don't know, i used to have a bit more problems coming through the airport. but now i just go "rogue one!" [ laughter ] they let me through. >> jimmy: carry your action figure around? >> yeah, a little brooch with my own face in it. >> jimmy: if you have an action figure you shouldn't need a passport, yep, there i am, kids have me in their homes. and i was mentioning your rap career. you are not -- most of the time, when actors are also rappers, it's a terrible thing. >> right. >> jimmy: it's like an embarrassing thing. >> okay. >> jimmy: i personally will do my best to not bring it up. but you're really good. >> thank you. >> jimmy: some people call you rirs khalifa, are you aware of that? [ laughter ] >> i'm not aware of that. >> jimmy: i see, i may have just made that up. >> yeah, i wish you hadn't made me aware of that, yeah. >> jimmy: i know you have a single coming out. >> that's right, yeah, essentially my first bit of sound music put out in a while. been performing with the sweatshop boys which is my band for the last couple of years. this carries on in that mold, which is really about mixing all the different influences that make up me, you know. a little bit of south asian music, a bit of american music, a bit of uk rave music. yeah the tracks are down next week, it's called mogamwo. >> jimmy: i've heard that before, what's it mean? >> mogambo, probably the most famous super villain in all bollywood history. >> jimmy: is that right? >> classic film "mr. india" out in 1987 when i was 5 years old. he's really famous because he's got the best catch phrase? what is his catch phrase? >> you're going to say it if i teach to it you? >> jimmy: of course. >> it's right simple. mogambo-hushawa. >> jimmy: mogambo-hushawa. is that good? [ applause ] >> mogambo is happy. i know. the thing is the context. he says it after someone's jumped into a big bathtub of acid. >> jimmy: oh, right. that makes him happy. >> yeah, not the normal stuff. >> jimmy: is he like a super villain, would he be considered? >> he is the super villain, yeah. >> jimmy: the super villain. if he was the joker, would he have a batman? is there a hero that fights mogambo? >> there was a hero, his name is mr. india. >> jimmy: really, mr. india. >> mr. india. >> jimmy: like captain america, mr. india, yeah. >> yeah. he won some kind of beauty contest and got to fight moga mogambo. >> jimmy: does mr. india beat mogambo? >> i don't want to ruin the ending for you. [ laughter ] i think he should have his own spinoff series, throws the hat in the ring, you know, mogambo, i can beat you for the role. >> jimmy: maybe i'll be mr. india. >> okay, let's do it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we can do this together. >> okay. >> jimmy: you brought a photograph here with you. and this is -- >> this is the artwork for the mogambo single yeah. >> jimmy: who are these guys? >> i wish i knew. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't know. did they know they're the artwork for the single? >> i kind of get the feeling they knew they were being prepared, at least i hope they did, otherwise that's just very strange. >> jimmy: wonder how they decided who was going to be carrying who in this. >> like any relationship, right, it works itself out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: where was this photo taken? >> you know the thing is -- this is in pakistan. so i went to pakistan for the first time in 13 years. and i hadn't been there in a long time, i wasn't sure what to expect. it's just a beautiful country. it has problems like any developing country -- >> jimmy: we hear things, i know this is an ignorant thing to say, but seems like a scary place to go. >> yeah, but a lot of people see what happened at the u.n. today, see donald trump, and go, america is a very scary place. >> jimmy: that's true. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] they would also be right. >> you know what i've learned is that there are scary people everywhere. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and also cool people everywhere. so kind of an unexpected place. what i liked about this photograph is like, i know i feel like often brown men are portrayed to be really scary, like they're going to eat your kids and hurt you. >> jimmy: right. >> or like really, really effeminate and they can never get the girl. what i like about this photograph is it's kind of like it's both. they could hurt you, but they have to get through a box said of "sex and the city" first. [ laughter ] it's the yin and the yang together. >> jimmy: what did you do while you were in pakistan? >> man. i did so many things. that i shouldn't have done, yeah. >> jimmy: illegal things? or things -- >> i didn't realize they were illegal at the time. >> jimmy: i see, what kinds of things? >> that's not a good defense when you speak to the police, just so you know. >> jimmy: it is not. >> yeah. so we wanted to go to this shrine. you know, there's this really beautiful, colorful shrine off this little island off the coast of karachi, which is one of the biggest cities in the world. we were over there, how do we get over there? this 12-year-old pulls up in a rickety pirate ship, need a ride? that's one lesson from pakistan, expect the unexpected. we're about to go to this lovely shrine. and these army officers come up to us, like yeah, so this is a shrine, but we also lowkey converted this island into a naval base and you're trespassing and you're foreign passport holders so please follow me. >> jimmy: oh. >> right? scary this happened to me at l.a.x. several times. [ laughter ] it's all right. >> jimmy: not as bad as it sounds? >> i thank the staff at jfk for preparing me for this moment. [ laughter ] so i go over to the side. and these guys are like, what are you doing here? again, you know, as you said, you just hear scary stuff about pakistan, about that part of the world. the thing to understand is poets are held in such high esteem there. it's like -- here it's a pop idol, "american idol." in the arab gulf it's poetry idol. >> jimmy: really, that's a show? >> that's a huge show. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that would not work here. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: or maybe it would, who knows, i didn't think "dancing with the stars" would work either. [ laughter ] >> so -- so i kind of clocked this and said what are you doing here? and i said, i'm a poet, i'm a rapper. >> jimmy: good thought. >> yeah. so this guy was like what have you got? >> jimmy: oh, poetry-wise, yeah, yeah. >> yeah. so i then found myself in this surreal situation of having to freestyle rap for my freedom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> from being detained by military intelligence on a naval base in pakistan. so i started rapping. and they liked it and they let me go. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. like a bad movie from the '80s. >> yeah exactly correct. >> jimmy: like "breaking 3" or something like that. riz ahmed is here with us. his movie is called "venom." we'll see that, back in a bit. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by the first-ever cadillac xt-4. visit cadillac.com to learn more. kids' carter's - 60% off prices of the season! save on kitchen electrics and - it's the lowest prices of the season on levi's for the family! plus - get $5 kohl's cash for every $25 spent! it's the lowest prices of the season! at kohl's! this is customizable str...whatever size.r family. it's saving money with flexible channel packs. live tv and the latest shows to stream. and all your streaming apps in one place - even netflix. this is how xfinity makes life. simple. easy. awesome. get started with xfinity internet and tv for just $34.99 a month for 12 months and customize by adding flexible channel packs. click, call or visit a store today. there's no need to be frightened, isaac. look at the world, what do you see? war, poverty, a planet on the brink of collapse. it's down to us to put this right. open it. >> what -- no -- please, please, please! >> jimmy: arrgh! that is "venom." it opens in theet areas week from friday. riz ahmed is here. is it fun to make a movie like that or kind of a lot of standing around pretending things are there? >> it is fun. think it's because the character venom himself is just really fun. he's not really a superhero, he doesn't really care about good and evil. he's more interested in whether he's hungry or not. and he's super intense and unpredictable. kind of like a big puppy with giant fangs. kind of like a toned-down version of tom hardy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tom hardy himself. >> yeah, yeah, the character. >> jimmy: is tom a friend of yours? is he somebody that you knew before you made this movie together? >> yeah, i've known tom for quite a long time, actually. we met back in 2007 for another unlikely reality tv show. >> jimmy: what was the reality show? >> it's basically a tv show where playwrights write these scripts and submit them and see if their play can be put on in the west end, which is our equivalent of broadway. >> jimmy: right. >> the show didn't really work. >> jimmy: were you the playwright and he was a playwright? you were actors? >> no, episode 3 they bring in actors to workshop the stuff. >> see. >> he's -- tom's just all heart. and really so passionate about everything he does. and i kind of knew that from the first time i met him. we'd be talking, actually i just started to do my music, i played him some, he was really enthusiastic. every time there was a gap in conversations he'd start doing pushups, drop and start doing pushups. i was like, this guy's going to do it, he's going to blow it away, he's motivated. >> that's what told you? either that or he's on meth. [ laughter ] >> probably too, right? not sure. >> jimmy: sometimes they can go hand in hand. >> yeah, why not, you've seen "breaking bad." >> jimmy: your character in the movie is -- would you say he's a bad guy? >> i wouldn't, no. >> jimmy: see, i would say he was a bad guy. >> why, man? he's misunderstood. [ laughter ] everyone has some mishaps with some bright blue almond butter. >> jimmy: everyone tries to put people in -- >> no one thinks they're the bad guy. i think the cool thing about this film is it's not a straight-up good and evil thing. my character carlton drake is a billionaire industrialist trying to make sure humanity's got a future because we've totally screwed up the planet so he's looking for a home and another planet. that's his deal. it's just that to get us there, let's just say not all of us are going to get there. [ laughter ] that's all. some of us are. she's going to be on the shuttle behind me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. the movie is called "venom." it opens in theaters a week from friday. riz ahmed, everyone! we'll be right back. right back. why shop marshalls? because...shopping should thrill you. with big brands at small prices... for the whole family! . marshalls is never boring, and always surprising. treat yourself to the latest trends in big name beauty at surprisingly small prices... today at marshalls! if you don't pass that test, at you're out of my class..s... 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i forget sometimes how big you are. i went to hug you, i felt that you were going to pick me up and burp me. >> i was thinking of feeding you, actually. [ laughter ] wonderful, i think they think i'm kramer. [ laughter ] that's starting to happen in my career. they're not sure where they know me. >> jimmy: is that right? >> kramer! and i play it off. play it off. >> jimmy: are you still living in las vegas for part of the year? >> i have my comedy club there at the mgm in the base sglmt a g tuhuh>> nextopretzel. have ady club, in the basement. >> it is. step over the urine and i'm right there off to the side. it's convenient. >> jimmy: do you feel at home in las vegas? i grew up in las vegas. >> i know you did, and i -- i'm there half the time and i got a little dog, actually. a therapy -- you're not going to believe, i've always been a big dog person. and the fiancee brought home a tea cup yorkie. >> jimmy: oh. >> and i am -- well, i have a rule. there can never be anything in my house with a bigger penis than me. [ laughter ] so right away we sold the parrot. [ laughter ] but i want to -- can i show you? >> jimmy: yeah. oh, wait -- i didn't know what you were showing me. >> no, no. [ laughter ]>>im: still don't k >> jimmy: that's right. >> actually, it's -- it's a little dog, when you're with a giant person -- i just love it. i think it's needy. it's always shaking. and nervous. >> jimmy: yeah, right, they are. >> which is what -- but you can just see -- >> jimmy: i'll hold it up and you can see. >> a little nervous, shaking thing. [ laughter ] oh, i'm sorry, excuse me. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: how cute. oh, isn't that something? >> that is a cute dog, yeah. >> jimmy: the good news is i rescued it. >> jimmy: you did? >> i did, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: from what, a building? did you swoop in, charge into a fire? >> no, i stole it from the kardashians. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, you did. >> that is a rescue. now i walk around with it. i live in an apartment across from the mgm. >> jimmy: i see. >> because they don't want me staying -- >> jimmy: in the hotel. >> because many years ago, many years ago, but no more, that's over. so i'm walking. you've got to walk this thing and it's tough to walk something in a macho way when it's like lint when i hold it. >> jimmy: right. >> so i go down early in the morning. i'm in the sweats. i've got to take it to the little dog run. and it goes and it does its thing. and when -- it's like a hearing aid battery, you have no idea. it's on the ground. i take the bag. throw it away. do the right thing. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> do the right thing as a citizen. get back on the elevator to go up to the apartment. >> jimmy: in the apartment building, okay. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> are you following? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's good to know where it was. >> the dog -- >> jimmy: the dog has pooped in the elevator? >> no, no. >> jimmy: oh. >> the dog pooped outside. i think it's done. i bring it in -- >> jimmy: into the elevator. >> and sleep. no, i bring it into the elevator. there's an older couple. and it drops a deuce in the elevator. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> right after i walk the it.no deuce a 8:00 a.. [ la ] but i've already thrown away the bag. i have nothing. and the couple, they're looking at me. all i have on me, this is tacky, but it's -- is a 20 dollar bill. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's syndication money. >> it's syndication money. so being jewish i look at the guy, can you break it? [ laughter ] and they're waiting for me and i'm like -- i go, do you have anything? he goes, for what? i go, can you -- anything. a five, whatever. two. i go to pick it up. with the 20. the guy says to me, "i saw ray romano do this with a hundred." [ laughter ] not a joke. not a schtick.,yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, i did it with a hundred. yeah, yeah, ha ha. oh, ha, the wallet is so heavy. >> jimmy: does ray -- do you see ray much? >> he's in the car. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he is. >> i do, we hang out once in a while. we both play vegas. he's in the big room. i'm in the yogurt place. so we get together once in a while. >> jimmy: does he like it when you imitate him? >> he doesn't like it at all. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he doesn't imitate you? the favor is not returned, i'm guessing? >> no, no, he's got no talent. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are people surprised? i have to be honest. i love "everybody loves raymond," one of my all-time favorite shows. [ cheers and applause ] great character. >> thank you. >> jimmy: robert berone. but i was a little surprised. i know it's dumb. that you are not at all like him, i mean, you're not a sullen, depressive type. >> i'm -- i -- >> jimmy: a little bit? >> i got issues. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is this character you're playing now on the new show more like you? >> i think so. >> jimmy: you do. >> i think so. i've been a single parent for many -- are you a single parent? >> jimmy: no, i am married. >> oh, give it time. [ laughter ] no, i'm a single parent. and i think the guy's a little more like me. he -- unfortunately he's widowed. he was married to an exotic dancer. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> a lot younger than him, who did a tipper off the pole. and i ended up with two lovely twin daughters. that look nothing like me. >> jimmy: right. >> it's a lot of fun, we're having a great time, a great cast. >> jimmy: the show is getting very good reviews. you're following "modern family" which is a great spot to be in. >> very, very exciting. >> jimmy: i would imagine it's exciting to be back part of a pretend family. >> it is. i'll take a pretend family over my family. >> jimmy: over your real family. >> any. >> jimmy: who's the most annoying member of your family? be honest, just let it loose. >> well, you know, it's hard to talk about right now. i recently lost my mom. >> jimmy: oh, i'm sorry, yeah, we were at a mall. [ laughter ] i come out and, you know, she was -- she was at the pottery barn going, how much are the candles? [ laughter ] well, that's not good. >> jimmy: it will be all right. >> we got a lot of those, don't worry about it. brad garrett, everybody, "single parent" is his new show, wednesday nights 9:30 right here on abc. we'll be right back with avril lavigne! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. thing. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmelener. ahmed, bly crystal, brad garrett. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. this is their single, it's called "head above water." avril lavigne! ♪ i've gotta keep the calm before the storm i don't want less i don't want more ♪ ♪ must bar the windows and the doors to keep me safe to keep me warm ♪ ♪ yeah my life is what i'm fighting for can't part the sea can't reach the shore ♪ ♪ and my voice becomes the driving force i won't let this pull me overboard ♪ ♪ god keep my head above water don't let me drown it gets harder ♪ ♪ i'll meet you there at the altar as i fall down to my knees ♪ ♪ don't let me drown drown drown don't let me drown drown drown ♪ ♪ so pull me up from down below cuz i'm underneath the undertow ♪ ♪ come dry me off and hold me close i need you now i need you most ♪ ♪ god keep my head above water don't let me drown it gets harder ♪ ♪ i'll meet you there at the altar as i fall down to my knees ♪ ♪ don't let me drown drown drown don't let me drown drown drown ♪ ♪ don't let me drown drown drown keep my head above water above water ♪ ♪ and i can't see in the stormy weather i can't seem to keep it all together ♪ ♪ and i can't swim the ocean like this forever and i can't breathe ♪ ♪ god keep my head above water i lose my breathe at the bottom ♪ ♪ come rescue me ill be waiting i'm too young to fall asleep ♪ ♪ god keep my head above water don't let me drown it gets harder ♪ ♪ i'll meet you there at the altar as i fall down to my knees don't let me drown ♪ ♪ don't let me drown don't let me drown keep my head above water ♪ [ cheers and applause ] good evening. thanks for joining us. it's the final hours before supreme court nominee brett kavanaugh and the woman who rsa assault face a senate panel and the public. dr. christine blasey ford releasing pictures and a handwritten account of a lie detector test she took. kavanaugh turning over detailed calendars he kept to show he wasn't the wild teen as he's being portrayed. today a third accuser coming forward with disturbing allegations against kavanaugh, that he vehemently denies. >> this allegation is a game changer. because it's under oath. >> this is getting into the twilight zone. you're talking about brett kavanaugh being a serial rapist during high school, as a sophomore in high school. >> the president standing by his nominee for now.

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