Watching our show on tv right now im going to guess your valentines day wasnt the sex romp you maimagine it to be. Maybe the romp is about to begin, in fact is it about to begin. Go ahead, dont remind me. Just relax. Pretend im not here. Thats right. Maybe some sax for the love birds. Oh, yeah. Thats good. Thats very good. Youre doing yeah thats so good. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you ruined the moment. Go back to your spot thats not valentines day is a weird holiday. Im convinced it does more harm than good. Used to be you get flowers and the office recents you now we have instagram the whole world can resent you. If not only is valentines time for romance, also a great time to steal teddy bears. This happened in phoenix, couple teens snatched two over sized bears. Might be surprised to hear they didnt plan this out very well. Was not an oceans 11 caper they got a visit from a giant man who came to retrieve the bears. Look at this guy. Heres the thing theres always three bears. See that. When papa bear showed up. Well, wisely these guys decided to surrender the merchandise. And off they went. I love the fact they were willing to steal parts not to run a red light. And of course no valentines day no religious holiday would be complete without word from the host of the ancient club who actually knew st. Valentine. He may be old but he taught me something about what women of today really want this year. You know what the latest thing is today. Its not flowers. Its not candy. You know what the hottest new gift is . Its not flowers or candy, kwant imagine. Chicken wings. No. [ cheers and applause ] is it possible hes confusing with the s p. From the white house our president Donald Jennifer trump delivered a special eflz valentines day message to america. Im opposed to Domestic Violence and everybody here knows that. Totally opposed to Domestic Violence of any kind. Everyone knows that and almost wouldnt have to be said. Now you heard it. Thank you very much. Jimmy for some reason it does have to be said. Become another banner week for team trump but not letting it get them down. Last night, kwd cards from your favorite Trump Administration starting with the president himself who says spank me with a forbes magazine. [ cheers and applause ] Vice President pence is in the mood too. His card is happy mothers day. This is Jeff Sessions has a card [ cheers and applause ] special counsel mueller pitched in, happy valentines day i regret to inform you youre under federal investigation. Vladimir putin pitched in. He asks whos your vladdy and senator majority leader mitch mcconnell. Is your body a preexisting condition because i dont want to be covered. [ cheers and applause ] can download that. Meanwhile chief of staff john kelly might be out of a job soon. President trump is deciding to replace him the way he handled misallegations against rob porter saying the president has kfsds in his chief of staff. Thats warning one hes definitely fired. I feel like trump fires them have cake. John kelly is the guy that had to fire omarosa in december, finally we know why, she was reported to have been abusing the white house car service. They say they used the car service to take her to and from work. Which is against the rules. The one rule the white house takes seriously is about dont abuse the car service. Wives, you can abuse, no problem. Car service thats where we draw the line [ cheers and applause ] now its time for multiple choice portion of our show. Im going to show you a photo of a woman youre going to guess who the woman is. Heres the photo. Yes the dress is covered in little pictures of the dog shes holding. Is this owner of west westminster dog westminster dog answer is thats right. Georgette moss backer is a 71yearold socialite and new ambassador to poland. Put that photo back up there. Thats right. This is ambassador. As global tensions bring us ever closer to conflict with russia know this what many is standing by at the border to come to our diplomatic defense. You know how President Trump wants to have this big military parade as predicted its not going to be cheap. A carding to budget director it would cost between 10 million to 30 million dont worry mexico will pay for it. Said one hour would be less than five hour parade which makes sense you know what would cost less a nohour parade [ cheers and applause ] the 30 million you could pay off like 200 different porn stars for that kind of money. You a heard the latest on Stormy Daniels. This is the best. President trumps lawyer admitted, he told New York Times that he paid Stormy Daniels 130,000 out of his own pocket, it had nothing to do with trump. He was not reimbursement bursted by the president or the trump campaign. He said he made a private transaction and wouldnt comment on whose privates were transact transacted. What kind of idiot would believe his lawyer decided to pay a porn star more than 100,000 for no reason, they didnt have sex, just decided to give her money. If not for the ad he ran on local tv, had makes on sense at all. Have you never had sex with a porn star than you need a lawyer to give that porn star large amounts of cash not your own cash his own cash. Call the law firm of michael cohn and socio iations hes the leader in giving porn stars money for no reason at all. Michael gave me 225,000 and i dont even know why. You pay nothing. Michael cohn pays everything. The law firm of michael cohn and associations most generous dumb ass lawyers. Call 800dum ass 4 michaels dumb and has a whole lot of money. And because of the pay off she may not be bound by their agreement. Her manager said everythings off and now going to tell her story. Hopefully to me. [ cheers and applause ] hey, if youre a dog lover you may be interested to know which animal won top honors at the Westminster Dog Club this year. Best in show, at the 142nd annual westminster dog show. I was hoping it was that one. Flynn was the under dog. Its refreshing when the under dog is actually a dog. A bisho hasnt won best in show in many years. It is typically owned by wealthy people with fluffy white hair and tiny eyes and known for total obedience this is the most famous one, his name is mike, hes a very good boy. He really is. Congratulations in human athletic pursuits, the winter Olympic Games are under way in pyeongchang, u. S. Has four gold all for snowboarding good thing someone invented snowboarding or wed be screwed. Olympics are not broadcast by this network theyre on nbc which means were not allowed to show you the footage but what we have done is take clips from youtube and pretend theyre from olympics. I think theyre better than the expensive olympics. With that, highlights from night three of the winter uihlen uihlen youlympics youlympics. Out of the gate, quick steps to build speed and, perfection. Look at his form. Great landing. He hit that mailbox would have been a twopoint deduction. Oh, the pageantry. Appreciate it. All right we have a great show, music from monica. Chloe bennet is here and were right back with Charles Barkley. Last night took a l, but tonight i bounce back. Whats an l . The rap singer took a loss and now hes ok again. Right. Yeah you can get a mortgage that avoids pmi, but theres no way to avoid mip on. Hey thisll help. Rocket mortgage by quicken loans makes the complex simple. So, origination fees. This takes care of it, thank you. Understand the details and get approved in as few as 8 minutes. By americas largest mortgage lender. Bounce back, right right right, i get it now. I woke up in beast mode, with my girl thats. Im going on a targetrun. You need anything . Pers. Toilet paper, cereal. Maybe some chew toys . [ dog barks ] got it get low prices today and every day. Targetrun and done. We the people. Are defined by the things we share. And the ones we love. Who never stop wondering what well do or where well go next. We the people who are Better Together than we are alone. Are unstoppable. Welcome to the entirely new expedition. New year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest Samsung Galaxy phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Yahoooo ahoooo plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. Spectacular so, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new samsung phones. Whoa join the uncarrier and get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. All on americas best unlimited network. We can now repair complex at saortic aneurysmsare, without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi and welcome back to the show, tonight from bennet is with us and monica will be on the mercedesbenz stage, the new project called drop the beat. Shes giving fans chance to submit original songs for her next album. In other words you do all the work [ laughter ] and then monica will sing the song i guess, brilliant. Tomorrow Natalie Portman and kyrie irving and nick foles will be here. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something theres no woman or man id rather spend valentines day day or any day with than our first guest funniest man on television, show is inside the nba and can see him all week, please welcome hall of fame Charles Barkley [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doing . Im good. Jimmy happy valentines day. Glad to be back but you broke my spirit jooz why did i do that. You know i had to go upstairs and read the mean tweets. Jimmy you have to, did it hurt you, were you surprise howd vicious they were. They were kind of funny. I can laugh at myself but always amazing how people can be so mean spirited behind the keyboard only two type of people do that. Some loser who is at work who should be working, and hes worried about me. Or some loser sitting in his mothers garage or basement worried about me. Jimmy i imagine very few people when they see you in person have anything negative to say. [ cheers and applause ] clearly youve never played in philadelphia before. Jimmy i have not. Shout out to my eagles. Nick foles. Nicks going to be here tomorrow. Did you bet on that game . I did. I had a great day. Jimmy you did. Give me a range, like enough to buy a contributed hdo what are here . In what city or state. Jimmy okay, i understand. Well in alabama it would have bought a big condo. [ laughter ] in l. A. A small guest house. Jimmy i got you. But you did win. I did win. Jimmy is it true what they say about fans in philadelphia are they the loudest and angriest and most passionate fans in the united states. Yes. Theyre great fans but when youre losing there its not a lot of fun. Its interesting, i went up for the n f c championship game and stayed at a Hotel Downtown to be close to the stadium. Was full of biker fans, said if things are going good how should we act. I said dont make a sound. Those people will be loaded. Theyre going to be crazy. They came to the hotel after the game. They said youre right they were throwing at us and yall lost 387 imagine if they won. It was crazy. Hair great fans. Hair great fans. The eagles are the number one attraction. Jimmy are they . Not the liberty bell . Not cheese steaks. Im not a big tourist. Im telling you, when sixers done well, they won a championship, phillies, the flyers are terrific but its Philadelphia Eagles town by far. Jimmy its interesting certain towns, certain teams. Like the dodgers are big but the lakers are the biggest here. Is it true you were almost going to play for the lakers. Yes i actually got traded to the lakers. So i get a call from my agent one morning, he says i think we got a deal, youre going to the lakers, so me and two of my boys, this is about 11 30 during the day. What year is this . 90s, late 80s. Okay. I was so excited. So me my boy went out to celebrate, started getting drunk in the middle of the day. I was so excited. My agent call med back at three hours later. Said sixers pulled out the deal. And we got a game that night. I dont remember anything about that game. [ laughter ] first i was so pissed, but i was so drunk too. I have no idea what happened that game. You know your stats . I do not even remember the game actually. I can remember a lot of games. That day, we were so excited i was getting out of philadelphia. And i was blasted. We were doing shots and everything. Jimmy was that the only time youtoxicatintoxicated . No. [ cheers and applause ] hold up, let me rephrase that. Jimmy okay, yeah, how do you rephrase, no. That was only time i played intoxicated. Jimmy i see. I have played hung over before. Jimmy you played hung over. Not the same. Jimmy theyre not the same. That was the only time i played i drank before a game. Jimmy do you think it is goes on less nowadays, the players are all straight or theyre just smoking pot now . You know jimmy, i dont understand the fascination with pot. Jimmy youre not a pot smoker. I smoked pot five times at the most and all it made me want to do is eat potato chips. I got friends that love it. I admit that. It didnt take me no place. Didnt make me feel a type of way. I just wanted a potato chip. Thats it. Jimmy good for the people at lays. Yeah. Like i say i dont judge other people. But i dont understand the fascination with pot. Jimmy is it true youre friends guys kenny rogers . Yeah the gamerler, i love him. When i got my last game in philly when they traded me he was my entertainment i love kenny rogers. Jimmy you brought him to play specifically for you. He had to play the special song through the years. Jimmy thats a perfect song. He had a house in georgia where we played basketball. Had an allstar competition. Four basketball players. Four golfers. Four tennis players. Four actors. Skbr jimmy wow. For the acting part we went fishing. I actually won. It was calls the jc penny classic. Jimmy who was on your team. Bruce kp and and tennis player. Jimmy thats fantastic. We kicked ass. Jimmy when was the last time you played basketball . I think the day i retired. Jimmy that was it . That was it. Jimmy did you love the game . I loved the game. I owe basketball a great deal. Im not the most educated person i went to college three years and still a freshman. Basketball has given me everything in my life. Jimmy interesting if you stop never play again. You retire and your body cant take that abuse any more. I got two new hips now. I lost a lot of weight. Jimmy you do look good, you do. [ cheers and applause ] im down to about 15 pounds got about 25 more to go. Jimmy nice. I might come back. Jimmy you think you could beat any of the current players in the league. Theyre alternate good players. I cant beat any of the guys. Jimmy you mentioned you are still a freshman at auburn. They erected a statue in your honor. That was very nice. Jimmy in facts we have a photograph look at that. Thats very nice. Jimmy there you are. Did you have input what you wanted it to look like. I told them i wanted the statue skinny. Ill be 55 next week jimmy. Jimmy happy birthday. [ cheers and applause ] i figure like dh, most people my age not going to remember that i was fat and the kids there now dont even remember i played there. I love my college, auburn university, very nice of them. To have a statue anywhere thats a great thing. Its really cool they didnt have to do that. Jimmy were going to take a break Charles Barkley is here, he has much to say, allstar weekend on tnt, well be right back. Announcer portions of jimmy kimmel brought to you by muhammad ali i am the greatest [laughter applause] muhammad im going to become champion of the universe muhammad me with my beautiful, colorful personality. Muhammad im good looking, clean living, cultured, muhammad and i am modest. [laughter] muhammad i am so modest, i can admit my own fault. Muhammad my only fault is muhammad i dont realize how great i really am [laughter] muhammad because i am great, i am the greatest im never gonna be able ill take a sick day tomorrow. On our daughters birthday . Moms dont take sick days. Moms take nyquil severe. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Hello im Charles Barkley. Heres few of my nicknames my favorite the round mound the rebou rebound. Jimmy thats a young Charles Barkley. [ cheers and applause ] were you the first guy to have ten different nicknames it. Oh, yeah. In my college, theyre ten ranked in the country right now, very proud of my team [ cheers and applause ] but auburns a Football School and we werent getting a publicity and we came up with this and it worked out great. Jimmy is that right you did it specifically for publicity. Yes. Jimmy who came up with the nicknames. Honestly i dont know. Jimmy who came up with round mound the rebound perhaps the best nickname in sport. I have no idea but that brings back good memories. Chr chr chrisco kid those others, they bring back great memories. Jimmy i would think so. When you were drafted out of philadelphia didnt want to play for 9 sthe sixers. I did not. The sixers told me who my agent whose a crook i dont want to mention him, he said at that time we had a hard salary cap. The six brought me in month before the draft. I was 292. The owner says listen im worried about your weight dont know if you could play in the nba theres a month before the draft get down to 285 i went to texas and got down to 281, 82, and my agent said if you sign with the sixers can only get win year deal for 75,000 i said i didnt leave college for 75,000 so we went on a threeday eating binge. Who was going on it with you. Just me and my agent. So we went to dennys and had pancakes every morning. Went to fast food lunch. My favorite meal at that time was two first filet and i large fry and washed it down with a diet coke though. We went to steak house every night for three days. Said we want you to stop the day before the draft. So i went from 282 to 307 in three days. So i go in there and sixers gd me, call me mf, call necessity everything name in the book. Jimmy really . And when i came out me and my agent were like high five. The sixers are not going to draft me. S of and guy said with the fifth pick in the draft philadelphia 76ers select