News that therell be no tax cuts under a Labour Government until the economy is back on the path to growth. The labour leader says that while he wants to keep the tax burden as low as possible, he also wants to ensure that Living Standards improve. He said british people improve. He said british people deserve to know that future generations will enjoy better opportunities. But he says that can only be achieved with tangible steps wherever we, have said we will raise taxes , weve said we will raise taxes, weve set out what we will raise and what well spend the money on. So what you did hear this morning is that were going to get rid of the tax break for private schools and use that for money the teachers we need in our state secondary schools. Well, you did hear is that were going to get rid of the non dom status properly and use that money towards reducing, reducing waiting lists. The tax burden on people is as high as its ever been under this government, you know, this has been the tax rising government of all time , rising government of all time, hospital mortuaries in england allowed bodies of deceased patients to decompose because of a shortage of freezers. Inspectors have found the Human Tissue Authority told how inadequate Storage Facilities at some nhs trusts and lack of freezer space means some bodies have been left for too long at unsuitable temperatures. Official hta guidance says. Bodies should be moved into frozen storage after 30 days in fridges or before, depending on the condition of the body. The the condition of the body. The hospitals criticised in the reports following inspections in 2022 and last year, said systems have since been improved and a new film about Donald Trumps rise to power in the 1980s has been picked up at the cannes film festival. Titled the apprentice. It stars Sebastian Stan as the young trump as he forges a deal with the influential right wing lawyer and fixer roy cohn, played by succession star jeremy strong. The film is due for release by studiocanal later this year. For the latest stories, sign up to gb news alerts by scanning the qr code on your screen or go to gb news. Com slash alerts. Now its gb news. Com slash alerts. Now wsfime gb news. Com slash alerts. Now its time for headliners. Its time for headliners. Hello and welcome to headliners. Im stephen allen. Its the show where comedians review the next days news for you. Tonight we have a man who is in mrs. Doubtfire, Scott Capurro. And a man who is such a sceptic he probably actually doubts fire. Its nick dixon. Yeah, its not real. Yeah, its not real. Yeah, its always said that its all. And i think that was an intro that was complimentary to both. Very rare on this show. Yeah. To answer that. Yeah. Its all right because youre nice guys. All right because youre nice guys. Yeah. And life going all guys. Yeah. And life going all right is it. Youre right. I guess bringing you dinner works it does. And the payment. Yeah. Obviously money. That too makes it sound like youre sort of at home, like a meals on Wheels Service that starts delivering it. Not going to be long at the way bringing you dinner. Life is going to take you some chicken. Take that as well. All right. Lets start with a quick look at the front pages. For friday. We go to the daily mail. First of all, dont betray our royal mail. Is their headline. The telegraph says labour tax rises as sure as night follows day, says hunt, a guardian. Ministers were warned guardian. Ministers were warned in 2021 about carer scandal. The in 2021 about carer scandal. The i says uks toxic water illegal sewage, parasites in taps and higher bills on the way express be warned taxes will go up under laboun be warned taxes will go up under labour, says hunt. And finally, the daily star. Bless you labour, says hunt. And finally, the daily star. Bless you fido, the daily star. Bless you fido, and those were your front pages. And those were your front pages. Lets make some sense of that ramble. Then we kick off with the express. Scott, what are the express. Scott, what are they going with. 7 well, first on the front page is a photo of the queen snatching flowers away from children who look terrified as shes making jokes about charles dying. Its quite hard to read, but anyway, theres another story about taxes will go up under labour, says hunt. The general election will be set out the key battleground for the general election will be set out today, when jeremy hunt warns of tax rises from labour, hes saying its going to get much worse if you elect them, that theyre all about taxing you, that weve been really gentle and mild, but its going to get real brutal if you let them in office. So the administration thats given us the highest tax burden since the second world war, saying that things are going to get bad now. Yes, yes, its going to get much worse. And interest rates, he says, worry about those two. Theyre quite high already. I cant see them getting any higher. But anyway, thats what he says, nick, your take on this, do you think hes actually the question should be this is this negative politics of heanng this negative politics of hearing just what the other side will do wrong rather than what we will do right. 7 its exactly that. And its pretty weak, isnt it, at this stage, when the tories are about to be obliterated as you say, highest tax since the 40s by some metrics. And its like but guess what. 7 its going to be even worse under labour. And theyre not wrong. Thats the disturbing thing. It will be even worse. Everything will be even worse. Everything will be even worse. Everything will be even worse. But thats such a terrible pitch. When your party terrible pitch. When your party is facing potential extinction, you need something a bit more, right. 7 hes saying its going to last for quite a while too, but then hes saying also, if their party is elected, the conservatives that the show, the brutal Economic Situation will last as well. So really theres no change under either party, which makes i think a lot of voters think that the parties are very similar. Yeah, theres a footballer here. It might be declan rice saying stars secret ingredient to batter opposition. Thats what actually the tories need a secret ingredient to batter the opposition. You know this is too opposition. You know this is too weak, right. 7 they certainly dont have that special sauce yet, do they . I mean, people people talk of the omni party. Theyre effectively the same. Theres very little difference between them. So actually a good fight is difficult to get. What are they going to get because rishi is so famously polite . I dont know why people dont like him so much. I dont have feelings for him either way, but he seems quite amicable in his own way and hes doing what he can with what hes been handed. Its just a terrible situation. The feeling is hes ineffective. And the tories current strategy is talk about getting rid of rishi sunak each week, then the next week go, no, were not going to bother. Not just cycles every single week. And they know, you know, that theyre sacrificing his position. Theyre just making a mistake because no one else will do it. And they know that keir is going to win, but i dont i dont have any feelings for starmer either. I dont youre right either. Neither one of them inspires. Yeah, but starmer is secret sauce is the lack of personality isnt it. Its been basically watch other people do things badly and then just sit there being the outline of a human stuffed shirt , though were stuffed shirt, though were talking about it later. But his new slogan is stability is change. I mean, thats the most starmer slogan possible. I was thinking about this is exciting. Yes, i was trying to think of how is that even possible on the way in, as you say. I know well talk about it later, but only if the Current Situation is instability is stability. Change yeah, thats his argument. That would change anyway because its unstable. Yeah. Unstable. Yeah. So i electing their party will is changed. Yeah. Dont think about that mission too long. Otherwise you will get a nosebleed. Yeah, thats the way. Right. Lets move on to the i. What have they got on the front page, nick. So the i has uks toxic water illegal sewage parasite in taps and higher bills on the way. Illegal sewage parasite in taps and higher bills on the way. And and higher bills on the way. And this very much concerns my hometown because millions of litres of raw sewage have been dumped illegally into windermere, where i went to school. How dare they put in the wind the great lake . Yes and so this is United Utilities, who are, you know , local businesses are, you know, local businesses in the lakes have all these rules. They often have their own septic tanks because theyve got their own, you know, look after their own, you know, look after their own, you know, look after their own sewage. They have all these rules they have to follow. But United Utilities dont bother. Theyre just dumping 10,000,000l of sewage into wind action. It says lake windermere. But thats a tautology because mere means lake. So theres all sorts of problems here, so yeah, United Utilities just do what they want. They make massive profits. So why are they they should afford to, you know, deal with their sewage properly. And its not just them. Theres wessex water who are dumping 29,973 hours of sewage into the river avon. This disturbs me that ours is so much sewage. We can only measure it in hours. You know what i mean . Smell might be another measure. Thats been hit really hard. And what bothers me is that you see that they charge up here in the corner. The left. Its £0. 90 for this newspaper. That seems like a waste of money. I got sewage. Get it free on this show. So yeah, i think to make it more relatable, the idea of having sewage measured in hours, an hour of toilet trip for women is about 16 trips. And for a man, its about two and a half. All right. So that makes it more relatable, i think. Yeah, easy to understand. Yeah, easy to understand. But whats going down the south west as well . I actually think it makes the south west slightly more attractive. Yeah. Because if you want to go on houday because if you want to go on holiday there, you wont be able to drink the water like youre on proper holiday. I in greece or something. Yeah. Theyre not telling people to boil water, but that doesnt work. Boiling water doesnt get the stuff out that you want it to get out. Yeah thats why theyve got e coli and bacteria. Yeah. Theyre just like theyre telling us that because it might make us feel like were doing something. Well, it will. Itll kill the parasites, but it will leave them dead in there. So you will be drinking dead parasites. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thats better than live parasites. I dont know, i think maybe alive they might be more fun. You got to take the winds where you can get them. Next we have the times. Scott. What have they got . Bed blocker crisis means extra nhs cash is being wasted. Apparently, patients are stranded and not stranded in the way that we used to leave my mom at a mall and drive away. Hope shed never find us again. She always got her way back. It was so strange with all her asthma, she could still walk. It makes you think as well. Yeah, i think people lie. But anyway, stranded patients because theyre being left, apparently theres a rise in delayed discharges from hospitals , thats been hospitals, thats been identified as a key driver of lower, lower efficiency. The length of stay is one of the biggest single issues that are burdening the nhs right now. Burdening the nhs right now. Its just kind of crumbling. Its just kind of crumbling. Its falling apart a little bit. And i think the patients i mean, it says here also that patients longer stays because theyre older, but theyre getting better. And so we dont know what to do with them. Once theyre released, they come back because they have nowhere else to go. Yeah. I mean, this is a problem that the nhs a problem for the nhs that the nhs cant solve. Yeah, there seem to be so many problems with the nhs. I know its almost ridiculously obvious statement , but weve got obvious statement, but weve got the story about bodies which we just saw on the news and thats coming up later. Theyre not deaung coming up later. Theyre not dealing with dead bodies properly. Theyve got this problem. Theyre saying half of its beyond their control, as you say. Id like to know about the other half, but yeah, half of its like industrial action and so on. But but have you noticed, though, that the papers are criticising the nhs more than they used to . I cant tell if thats because theyve become so bad or its become so bad, or if just theres a popular mood now thats tilted against the nhs. Covid was the peak of nhs love, and then what we like to see in england is build something up and then knock it down. Now weve been peak nhs hates because of the waiting list, of course. So i just wonder if theres a mood. I just, i just suddenly noticed we often have these anti nhs stories, so i wonder if the mood is just finally or maybe some of the reporters have had some bad experiences with the nhs recently. Wasnt there some stuff like 1 in 7 people are on a waiting list . All right. So i suppose there are enough journalists that right now some of them are on waiting lists. Well, im on a waiting list for an at home exercise machine. Is that the same . No. All right. Are you. Im actually on a waiting list. Are you . Yeah. So. No, i went to the dentist and my jaw clicks and she said, ill refer you. And i got the letter and the appointment is like, december , appointment is like, december, because theres no hope of being seen by anyone. What i will and i shouldnt say this, but she said when they do get in touch, say its painful. Yeah, even if its not. And i had to say what kind of pain, because theyre probably going to follow up on that question. Theyre really specific about it. Yeah. Do you want to tell me what the pain is now, the symptoms now. So when they got a therapist because im because im crazy when i got one, they only got them for six visits for free. And then i had to i basically lied on, on all the forms they sent me. And the woman who led me through filling them out onune me through filling them out online basically told me, she said, how sad are you . I said, pretty sad. She said, really pretty sad. She said, really pretty sad. She said, really pretty sad. I said, im really im im hyperventilate eating. She said, write that down. So yeah, it was like that. To be fair though, you get six visits to fix your problems. Scott would cost more than we have. Seriously. And im paying for it right now. Its just simply not enough. Yeah, theres a system that is not working , and we finished is not working, and we finished this section with the daily star. Nick, what tree have they got for us . Theyve got bless you, fido, which is a kind of a pun, steve, because the dogs are sneezing, you see, because theyve got hay fever. So you thought that like zoomers and people now were kind of weak and, you know, having all these all sorts of problems, but now its moved on to pet your pet now has hay fever. Well, not that hay fever suffers a week, of course, but just pets having it seems like it kind of its like dog therapy or something. It just seems like a sad new level. But they mock you. I think they want to behave the way you do pets. So they want to have the same thing you have. You know, i dont have a little one thing. I dont have hay fever. I dont have hay fever. I dont have hay fever. I want to look weak and moan about things. Its been terrible. This years been the worst year ive ever had it. Really . Really . Yeah, really. The last two years were okay, but this year its been really. Ive had. Yeah, really bad for the last two months. But how can you tell if a dog has hay fever because theyve already got wet noses . Shouldnt mean surely thats one of the symptoms. Well, if you kick it in coughs that it probably does. They complain a lot and go, oh, the pollen is high today. Thats how you know. Yeah thats how they say it. If you leave it outdoors in the parks all night, then its probably got hay fever. The. So youre going to get your appointment cancelled and your appointment cancelled and your dog taken away from you. Its been a great show so far. Thats the surface level of the newspapers done. In the next next. Welcome back to headliners im stephen allen, still here with Scott Capurro and nick dixon. And were hosting a night with the headliners live. You can join us for an evening of comedy with andrew doyle, leo kearse , with andrew doyle, leo kearse, simon evans and josh howie will be there. For more information, you can scan the qr code here or visit gb news. Com back to the papers scott. The guardian Keir Starmers message is the tories caused this mess, but were different, which will upset rishi because thats also his message. Well, theres just an article in the guardian about how my feelings are hurt that i wasnt asked to attend that comedy show that you just mentioned. Theres that you just mentioned. Theres that article. Nick, do you have an article about that in the guardian . Well, i was asked, but turned it down. Yeah, i wasnt too i would have too if id been asked. Yeah. Anyway , i wasnt asked, but anyway, i wasnt asked, but i would have, i would have said yes. Well i cant be there. But half those comics to my act anyway, so youll see it, in the Guardian Keir Starmer no quick fix to tory mess. I think weve talked about this a little bit already, keir starmer saying that theres no quick fix. There are deep problems labour will inherit if it wins the next election and already cares. Obviously apologising for what will be a potentially mediocre job. He says that it will take two, terms aims to correct some of the problems. So heres already writing a sequel to his. Yeah, to his first term. Still in labour as my. I think thats the title of the still in labour or or, labour pains two or does my pm look big in these jeans . Anyway, these are the titles of his extended plays. Or anyway, these are the titles of his extended plays. Or hes saying, look, i need more time than you think to fix the problems because im so ineffectual. No ones going to listen to me for two years. So give me time. Take a deep breath, relax, lay back, take a nap. You cant afford to eat anyway. Its going to be really bad because it sucks right now and im awful. Bad because it sucks right now and im awful. So, you know, and im awful. So, you know, brace yourselves. Its not just going to get worse, its going to get banal, and then theres going to be more of that. So give me ten years at least give me ten years to fix your problem. Its uninspiring to get the apologies in this early already on the days hes announcing missions and apologising in a place called purfleet untamed. Well, dont have a go. A lovely no, its a love