Greg its friday you know what that means less welcome tonights guest he has been called a heartthrob by experts fox and Friends Weekend cohost and author of the upcoming book of the war on warriors this judge nose the law and how to make fans a guffaw actor and comedian vince august shes like paul and tiny carried by the wind and often falls out of trees New York Times best selling author kat to and he is like matlock he solves many of lifes mysteries and old ladies send him their briefs New York Times bestselling author and comedian and former World Champion tire is. Greg before we get to some new stories lets do this is leftovers right read the jokes we didnt use this week and as always my first time reading them so if we suck will force joe mackey to give jerry nadler a Prostate Exam without a glove british researchers have found that a persons dietary choices can have a pro town defect on Cognitive Function we have noticed Hillary Clinton this week claimed that donald trump wants to be like Vladimir Putin which is awed since she has more in common with vlad in that she looks horrible topless and she kills people. Greg a little bit of misdirection congressman adam schiffs suitcase was stolen yesterday they havent found the thief but they do have a suspect same hairstyle as Jesse Watters a young boy at a Hartford Laundromat got himself stuck in a claw machine his parents were not able to get him out but they did win this kind of ironic dont you think they got a teddy bear and no child to give it to we will be right back the student claims she has an excruciating condition which leaves are apparently aroused which is the ruined her life luckily for her doctors have one cure to fix her condition nearsightedness is skyrocketing and scientists blame focusing on nearby objects that dont move like a Book A Computer or new york governors face right now she is upset that you are clapping now she is happy that you are laughing now she is just thinking about food in the today show interviewed a 110yearold man who still drives his car every day but he did admit that he struggles with other forms of transportation when asked if he had a message for President Biden in new york City Construction worker responded by saying if you which coincidentally is also President Bidens new Campaign Slogan but in response the president said that he understands the plight of new york Construction Workers having been raised by them as a child a new Study Reveals that daily showers have no real Health Benefits i told you so said one man cannibal would have a field day with that this week i a comedian kicked a breastfeeding mom out of his show despite there being a two boob minimum the comedian says he didnt mind the heckling but the squirting was over the line a Company Released a video their new Robotic Firebreathing Dog the only downside is when it poops read lobster reportedly looking for a buyer to avoid Bankruptcy Filing we know just the guy and finally a man from the uk claims that his foot long penis got him banned from his Exercise Class the instructor said they knew something was off when he did a pushup without using his arms you are filthy i do not approve of that joke this is a family show send your letters to catch to the news thieves show no respect for Congressman Pencil Neck yes, i speak of the California Rep adam shift whose luggage was stolen from his car into sentences physical Parking Garage yesterday which shows the citys level of despair people are willing to walk around looking like adam shift but it should be easy to find the thief just look for a guy with 30 an 8inch neck the bag was reportedly packed with clothes that he wanted to wear to a fancy fundraiser for his u. S. Senate campaign as well as a book titled how to act like a human so the poor congressman was without his clothes for a spiffy event that was held for him we caught up with shift as he was leaving his hotel apparently his bag was recovered and gutfeld obtained an exclusive video of what was really inside check this out look at that someone definitely has trump on his mind look at that more than what jesse has in his sock drawer enough of that crap meanwhile San Francisco continues to go down the drain throwing a festival for a toilet that cost 200,000 complete with a mini carnival that featured games and lemonade in the live band which raises the question is that lemonade and so with a city once already for Eclectic Culture Amazing Weather and gorgeous views is now reduced to throwing a party for a toilet truly this city is in the [ bleep ] shift gets his bag stolen obviously responsible for a lot of the pro Crime Initiatives in california would you call this Poetic Justice . You might i think the best Poetic Justice is that that Guy Adam Shift is the prohibitive u. S. Future senator from california. Sean pencil Neck Versus Treetrunk Forearms The ever seen steve garveys forearms . I dont think that california has suffered enough yet i hope that he can do it but the likely outcome is that the guy who lies to us every time he talks will be there the senator, i think that the toilet thing is amazing though when you read about it people take turns going to the bathroom as part of the celebration on the toilet. Greg isnt that amazing. Unbelievable only in San Francisco. Greg originally it would cost a Million Dollars they thought it was an achievement they got it done and they threw a party which cost 800,000 those idiots you know what hes gonna do these can act like this is no big deal because he cant throw a fit because hes responsible for these problems so hell say were going to get the bag back until act like its nothing. This is the best definition of karma that youve ever seen is this happening to this guy would have been better is if he did have just a bunch of trump articles in there and the person that robbed and was like, hey, i think i found someone is going to assassinate the president and report him and then he gets arrested for it but i think the bigger story this week and i have to ask you greg who comes back from vacation on thursday after being off for two weeks who shows up for work on a thursday and friday after being off since like italian easter youre acting like you have Jesse Watters ratings come on man here greg gutfeld. These bald guys stick together, ill pretend like that attack on me never happened hes luggage was stolen how disappointed or the thieves right now . When they open up that its like its adam schiffs stuff what could be in there. I feel like if youre going through Parking Garage is breaking in and stealing peoples clothes you dont need a suit thats not give a Job Interview coming up . So yes probably definitely tips appointed although his was not that bad if that ever happens i think about that if that ever happened to me at some point and i had to do whatever i wear on the plaintiff ideally do an event i would have like im neck pillow on it would be a lot worse but like he said he had asked jill about it and acknowledge that that was a problem to have your stuff stolen and also are you just jealous that you didnt think of the two of the party idea first. Yes, i am. That was one of the names you are considering for this show. Greg yes toilet party it was my nickname in high school i wont tell you why but you can probably figure it out. Its cold what . Click. Greg you know however, that he is what bugged me about this is he cannot show concern about other peoples victimhood and he cant show his own because he is a had a great. Not just that but how is this guy not sitting in a courtroom right now . He was influencing elections he was peddling false information to the media he was the point of contact he was the source who was sending he had devastating evidence that trump was a russian spy where is it . He was on National Television he was on the news peddling. Greg it was in the suitcase. I was trying to get there, now the toilet party makes sense he just closes way too early that was not a courtesy flush. Its on the wrong side of 50 you know them saying thats why he never stands up for everything kind of wavers left and right talks a good game but its all downhill probably had a bunch of movie scripts and their greg he would be perfect as a spokesperson for disease because. Im the guy messing up its Me Adam Shift i write up next visit the last Correspondence Dinner if trump becomes the winner . Greg five words Donald Trumps threatens Correspondence Dinner okay the white house Correspondence Dinner tamara night apparently the Biden Campaign is warning this could be the last one ever because if trump is elected saturday is, let me just get to this point here, saturday is also a reminder of what is at stake with an angry vengeful trump on the ballot he may be a punchline but is also a sad and vindictive want to be authoritarian who shows no respect for the First Amendment or the for the state basically they are suggesting he will get rid of this i find it funny that the Biden Campaign thinks that this would resonate with anyone but ego star but heads in the media. Its like something a bad Fortuneteller Wood predict about the presidency if trump is elected its going to be the end of what World War Iii . Now its much worse the economy . Know the Correspondence Dinner its over forever if he wins its one of those things that everybody who is not involved in it doesnt care about it. Greg even the people that are involved in it hate it except for the ego the ego the insecure the ego media many people want to feel irrelevant and the slippages want to feel smart so those, the neediest ones have to go there and thats where they always say its a good thing to do ones, i dont even think that thats accurate to do this. Im wind and im glad that i did so that i can say that i did im just in general not a big fan of anything right just sit in a chair silently for hours on end plenty of Better Things that i think i can do with my time i agree with you to use this sort of Fear Mongering over if trump wins then there will be no more of this dinner that youre not invited to anyway i do think its televised, people have things to do, i highly doubt that most people even know this is happening this weekend because people have lives and families and friends or they have bad habits that they engage in on the weekend is the weekend greg of this is a terrible habit cats at something that i dont think anybody would have known about this, i didnt know it was this weekend. The only time they Pay Attention to it was when trump was there was a big deal and when i got my invitation to the thing i just took a picture of it i was like while i was invited in that said thats good enough for me im not going because i wont be able to, my face i cant hide when i dont like people. There actually is a screen grab of me from when i went to my Making A Face and if she makes a face there like all but a ellingson of face wallet khakis my wife, please dont hit me. I went and im glad i did is the correspondence and its the same reaction to the 200,000dollar bathroom i went and did it im glad i did need to go anymore im good. Can they play one sound bite because present trump is a million of them saying a lot of people good people the Correspondence Dinner at least roll the tape of him saying the things its not like he hasnt been president before all of the stuff is still here. Greg you ever gone to this im feeling that you have. Unfortunately one time and i vowed never to go again and i will keep that bow the white house does not run, this is an independent association. Greg right and the funny thing is it is for charity. Apparently but if you run the concentric circles of selfcongratulatory and selfimportance this is right in the middle of it the whole thing is worship of the Fourth Estate and were saving democracy and its dripping with sanctimonious you just want to run out to the bathroom the 200,000 bathroom. Greg take a huge crap in the middle of it. That sounds about right. You how long that line would be . Thats a horrible idea the line of the around the corner there so many people full of [ bleep there was the Charity Correspondence without second homes . Heres the other privateers sometimes they just show themselves they put out the in invite list abc news is invited as a gift the Chief Of Staff of the white house cia director, theyre all in on it okay we knew this to begin with and they just cant do it out loud for one night. Greg its all the conspiracy up next peach shows a tattoo of his back and proves that bigfoot exists greg i still look great at 35 its a Smear Campaign from an artificial brain back in january the principal at a Baltimore High School accused of making racist and antisemitic remarks after an audio clip of him was posted to instagram he was quickly removed from the school and received multiple Death Threats but then Digital Forensic experts concluded the recording was a id generated it turns out the schools former Athletic Director created the fake recording to get back at their principle for investigating him for improper payments that he made to an athletics coach it was a hoax to create racism which i said if you remember was bound to happen with ai sadly however, they are not all fakes listen to this audio clip i would say close your eyes and listen to this audio clip that i found online today. Hello everyone to take safira once again surrounded by people not as pretty as me fun fact last year i used 51 metric tons of styling moose i sent my harvard degree back it was an easy decision because i also the princeton degree who wants to see my Vasectomy Scar. Greg if you think that is real listen to this. Hates jesse excited to go swimming again thanks to my new waterproof to play glue the truth is the five would do just fine without me also i havent tipped the waitress since 1998 and i have no idea who writes my books i am illiterate. Greg arent you surprised this is a more frequent . The people havent started abusing this. A few years back in the hard knocks out of our trainer brought us in one day and he was showing us what could be done with the new for the tvs where they could take even your movements and make you look like youre doing something you were not and he was like pretty soon when they get the vocals down and be able to make you doing something on video illegal or saying the wrong thing and i think the technology is just now coming to fruition and we will start seeing it youre going to see a lot of accusations where he said this to me and fake Text Messages and the lying scale always seems to rise with technology so now people are going to be dont be surprised youll see all of a sudden ill make jokes earlier about trumps making those statements but once they figure out the way to not have an expert say thats a lie will see trump saying no more Correspondence Dinner and a soon as i get in the clinton foundations toast and working here all that kind of stuff and we just had to be very vigilant this is where sourcing and laws and protecting yourself with lawyers and stuff is going to be very important because theyre going to have the technology to make you say anything you make jokes about it but if you had jesse say white power five times he be fired before you get even defend himself thats the scary part. Greg thats why we buried that one. Greg cat i was just thinking say that you had a crush or a sexual obsession over a celebrity and you want to that celebrity to talk dirty to you you could actually type in someones name and like write a script and play it back to yourself for some kind of strange perverse erotic pleasure what you say to that cat i just thought of that right now. I feel like versions of that arty exist dont they ive actually heard that there is something that sounds like my boys that people use on facebook to ask people for money and i think its me and stuff like that so its crazy but also more specifically what is going on at this school specifically the guy who