[cheers and applause] jon hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart we have a terrific program for you tonight. I hosted on thursday and i am back on monday. I just dont know how much longer i can do it. Barely any rest. Just slept in a hyperbaric chamber. Im going to be talking to one of my favorites, ilana glazer is going to be joining us. [cheers and applause] she is the best. But first, lets get into the news. As you know, the fascinating penisthemed trial of professor Donald Bartholomew trump continued today. What you might not know is that it is not the only salacious, highlevel governmentofficial trial going on today. Because right across the street, in new yorks famed public corruption district, new jersey democratic senator Robert Menendez [audience reacts] my god, menendez turned heel. They are not booing well, they were booing. He faced the first day of his reckoning. Federal prosecutors allege the former chair of the powerful Senate ForeignRelations Committee conspired with his wife nadine to accept bribes from a trio of wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of qatar and egypt. The powerful senator allegedly pressured the department of agriculture to help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of halal meat to the United States. [laughter] jon i dont mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a cubanamerican senator work handinhand with an egyptianborn businessman to corner the halal meat market . [laughter and applause] living in america but yes, senator menendez is accused of using his access and influence as senator to illegally help a variety of shady governments and clients. But what evidence do we really have . Federal agents searched the menendez home in june 2022, finding over 480,000 in cash. Two bags filled with 100,000 each. 100,000 worth of gold bars. Payments toward a mortgage. A Mercedes Benz convertible. Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier. Four boots stuffed with cash. Cash even found in the senators embroidered congressional jacket. Jon sacrilege cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which, oddly enough, is reversible. But the money is in his house. And his jacket and his boots. And it has lining his pockets. But none of it ties the money to menendez or egypt the indictment says, upon returning from one trip to egypt, menendez performed a web search for how much is one kilo of gold worth. [laughter and applause] jon damn you, metric system i wouldve gotten away with it too, if it werent for you meddling kids and your base10 system of measurements and weights there could be a lot of reasonable, benign explanations for why a senators house would be stuffed with cash and gold bars. Home heating insulation, perhaps . Or something stupider . According to the new york times, his lawyers now offering a new explanation as to why he had thousands of dollars in gold and in cash in his home. They say that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history. [audience reacts] jon these are simply my emotional support gold bars whenever i am not with them, i get anxious. People respond to trauma in different ways. Now when it comes to any trial, of course, and weve seen this play out endless times, finding an impartial journey. Defense attorneys have proposed asking prospective jurors if they have opinions about people from new jersey and do they think that because they are from new jersey, that theyre more likely to break the law. [laughter and applause] jon you mother[bleep]. You bury one union leader at your football stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some secaucus rabbis, and suddenly your whole state is a suspect. You believe this, tone . Huh, tone . You will leave this . Antinew jersey discrimination, thats what it is so obviously this is shaping up to be one of the more cartoonishly blatant Corruption Cases in some time. Jersey guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a nice freezer of some halal meats. Anything else that might speak to the general character of this United States senator . Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings, his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife. [audience reacts] jon yes, its those three magic words every woman is dying to hear it was her she did it you know, id feel a lot worse for her if she wasnt also demonstrably a terrible person. Read up on it. I cant explain everything right now. I will just say this. [bleep] awful. But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, notquitebelievable, real housewives episode, is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in americas most respected legislative body. Its like a license to print money you dont need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the senate is so [bleep] lucrative which brings us to our new segment senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you . [cheers and applause] as a new jersey resident, as a constituent of yours, senator menendez, i have to ask, with all due respect how [bleep] dumb is you . Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side, its bushleague, when, as a u. S. Senator, you can enrich yourself in so many different, letscallthemlegal ways . For instance, the stock market members of Congress Stock portfolios consistently beat the s p 500. The average hedge fund was beating the market at 7 . The study found that the average u. S. Senator was beating the stock market by 12 . Jon the average u. S. Senator. And if you think it is because the average u. S. Senator is just so smart, this is the average u. S. Senator tommy tuberville, an exfootball coach who doesnt know the three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to the stock market, he sees the matrix how do they do it . Well, the secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity of Global Markets im kidding, they have inside information. California congressman democrat, named alan lowenthal, his wife sold shares of boeing march 5th of 2020. The very next day, the committee on which he serves in the house released a damaging report on the boeing 737 max. Jon oh, my god what timing you see that . See, the rest of us find out about boeings problems as we are being sucked out of the fuselage midflight. Just flying out over the wing. [applause] you are flying in the air over the wing. Sell, sell i dont think they are good and it happens all the time North Carolina senator richard burr received a private briefing in 2020 about how bad the covid pandemic was going to be for america. And he immediately sold off his stocks, saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a reasonable explanation. We wanted to ask you about those stock trades back in february of 2020. You know, the sec says that you had material nonpublic information when you made those trades . You have to look at what i put out. I did look at what you put out. How is that not Insider Trading . Jon im so sorry, sir. I wanted to answer your question. If only there was a button that kept elevator doors open by the way, if you dont have a goldplated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself by just pretending to take the stairs. Oh, i am sorry. Taking the elevator back up. [cheers and applause] i would do that bit more but my knees hurt as soon as i did the first one, because i didnt do in rehearsal, i did it just now and i was like, that is not a good idea that is one of those where you are like, stop the taping and pull me back up now you might be wondering to yourself, how does congress get away with all of this . It may be because congress is regulated by, let me check my notes here. Congress and its congress that has refused to even hold a vote on the bills that have been proposed to ban members of congress from trading stocks. Because not letting members of Congress Insider trade would be unamerican just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this stock windfall. Should members of congress and their spouses be banned from trading individual stocks while serving in congress . No. No to the second one. This is a free market and people we have a free market economy. They should be able to participate in that. Jon oh, freemarket. Excuse me, ms. Speaker, i dont mean to interrupt. Im Martha Stewart from the why the [bleep] did i go to jail timespicayune. Why the [bleep] did i go to j jail . [applause] but heres the thing, in a free market, everyone has access to the same information. So unless youre going to put us all on the committees, i dont get it. Now to be fair, congress does have rules against corruption. Members of congress are not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements or bribes from lobbyists. No free concert tickets. They cannot accept food baked goods, sandwiches, et cetera. It just wouldnt be proper. But in congresss infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to set up leadership pacs, where a congressperson can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some nyquil, but through the pac, they can pay for fivestar hotels for kirsten gillibrand, luxury resorts for ted cruz, and even golf lessons for rand paul. Its all in ayn rands famous book atlas putted. Really . That is my literate crowd. I read that in college actually. This is corruption in plain sight. We wont accept gifts, but if i want to have a luxury experience, and you would like to pay for it, and then join me on said experience, where we can discuss issues important to you and your industry, whos the wiser . Right, senator mike lee of utah . Shortly after this slopeside lunch for 22 friends, we decided to ask senator mike lee just why hes doing this. Politicians raise funds and this is what we do. I enjoy skiing. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. Jon from now on, i am ending every uncomfortable conversation i have about anything with, i enjoy skiing. Good day [cheers and applause] but but are luxury lobbying vacations still too much work, senator menendez . cause you could always write laws that directly benefit your side business, like the way senator Chuck Grassley netted 370,000 in farm subsidies. Or the 5. 3 million that california representative doug lamalfa got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for that money, you better be growing actual [bleep] gentlemen its all legal, and not a gold bar in sight or you could leverage your stature in government to get lucrative lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like missouri senator roy blunt. I dont even understand why that would be a question. Everybodys family does something. Jon my father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and his father before him. Yes, everybodys family does something. For instance, your daughter might receive unusually greenlighted chinese patents. Or your soninlaw might receive billions in noquestionsasked saudi investment. Or your son might get a lucrative seat on a corporate board. Lets hear hunter explain that one away. If your last name was not biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma . I dont know, i dont know, probably not. Jon holy shit. Out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricate it and wouldnt answer any [bleep] questions, you know youre in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the excrackhead. Yeah. [cheers and applause] i dont know if i like jon stewart anymore. [laughs] now you might think, someone should step in and stop congress from being able to enrich themselves. Perhaps the Supreme Court well, it will come as no surprise that the same guys who think its fine to accept a luxury winnebago from a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption. In a decision called mcdonnell versus the United States, they said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough for it to be considered against the law. It must be. This very narrow quid pro quo idea. You know, im going to give you a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote. Jon whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn, our congress and our courts have been given a choice be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption, and get on with your bad selves. Its a game of reverse limbo. Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption weve set . Well. Ooh how about now . Robert menendezs gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously, cartoonishly corrupt. But for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than menendez . How dumb is you . When we come back, ilana glazer will be joining us. Dont go away. [cheers and applause] were in the middle of. Seizing the date in the middle of. Trying new things in the middle of the perfect pairing. And parking it here for the night so come get away. Together. To the incredible, unforgettable illinois the middle of everything. Someones smelling fresh. Does she take my old spice total Body Deodorant with 24 7 freshness, and use it all over her total body and all over their total bodies . Unbelievable. old spice mnemonic youre really making all of this by hand. Oh yeah. The avocados are hand mashed, the chips are hand tossed. And everything is made fresh you make it fresh every day. Yes, every day. The chipotle way is we make it fresh every day. Sounds delicious. New ricola throat balm. Coats and protects we make your throat. Y day. A center with liquid honey wrapped in smooth caramel flavor. New ricola throat balm. Coat your throat. [ ] you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo new ricola throat balm. Coats and protects your throat. A center with liquid honey wrapped in smooth caramel flavor. New ricola throat balm. Coat your throat. [ricola ] it makes no sense that some people forget lunch. At popeyes, we say go crispy. Go bold. Go memorable. We say lets bring lunch back. We dont make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from popeyes [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is an actor and a comedian. She cowrote and stars in the new film babes. I am 28 for 28. I could do a 29th . Yeah, no. You are clearly pregnant. Okay. I dont know how this could have happened. I have had sex once since my last period but i was on my period. So . So you cant get pregnant on your period. Girl. Girl . Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl, yes, you can. Girl, stop. Girl, you stop. We went to the same school. We learned the same shit. Come on. No, you cant. Maam, im a doctor. You are a dentist. Jon please welcome ilana glazer [cheers and applause] ilana glazer first of all, you know i love you. I just love you, jon stewart. Jon and i love you a lot [laughs] jon and, boy, this movie is so good thank you. Jon the relationship between you and michelle is so lovely and easy and just natural. And weve been friends for 20 years. Jon oh, for real . For truly 20 years. She is like jon the hugs are real. Big titty just uh we are just [cheers and applause] michelle loves top titty meat. Our top titty meat just spilling over. 20 years [laughter] top titty meat, jon stewart, you know what i mean . [cheers and applause] to be honest [cheers and applause] to be honest, this is how women talk. Jon yes. When we first sent this script out, i wrote this with my mom just called you back stage the number one mensch. You are like number two compared to josh raibnowitz who i wrote this with. Jon you wrote this script with him. Yeah, yeah. He is number one. Such a mensch. And you know, when and susie fox, our producer as we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldnt believe that these things hadnt been covered in film. Jon is there anything more fun than talking about a movie that they have not seen yet . There is very little i enjoy more than the secret information that you and i have, that they [laughs] jon i imagine the oppenheimer people did that. They came around and said, you know what he said to einstein . The audience is like, i dont [bleep] know what the movie is is. Should i give a summary . Jon do you want to give a summary . I will give a summary. Jon give a summary. [cheers and applause] so this movie is about two best friends who are in very different points in their lives. Dawn, who is played by michelle buteau, has two kids and a husband and my character, eden, is single and a free spirit and gets knocked up and decides to keep the baby. Jon [laughs] and their friendship is tested thereafter, and hilarity and verklemptness ensues jon also pathos. Mad, mad pathos. Crumbs, no crumbs. Jon they leave no crumbs i just love you so much and you are so good. I love you too. Thank you. Jon everything you do is filled with bangers after bangers. The lines are so funny and your stuff is so good. Oh, my gosh, thank you. Jon for gods sakes, woman. It is my honor, my pleasure, you are my hero. Jon stop it. [cheers and applause] babes will be in theaters this friday, may 17th. Ilana glazer. Were going to take a quick break, but well be right back after this. [cheers and applause] remember space . And legroom . thats more like it. The threerow lexus tx. higher love by Whitney Houston summertime back then looked a little different. But while summer may change, it always tastes great. So reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. Norman, bad news. So ri never graduatedorite from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. Thats like 20 a month per unlimited line. I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. Doc . Look at the salt on that dressed dos equis. After two billion years underground, that salt couldve ended up in a halfempty box in a halfempty pantry. But now, its lucky enough to find itself circling an Authentic Mexican dos equis. congratulations, salt. From where you sit now, its clear your patience paid off handsomely. Old spice gentlemans super hy