Transcripts For COM The 20240703

[cheers and applause] jon hey, everybody welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart coming to you on a. What . What the heck . Thursday . Jon stewart on a thursday . Its like breakfastfordinner over here pancakes at night . We do have a great show for you tonight. Im gonna be talking about 2024 polling a little later with the polling director of the Harvard Kennedy School Institute of politics. [cheers and applause] i dont believe you but first, its been another big week of walltowall, nonstop, penistopenis coverage of Donald Trumps trial from the lingering glamour shots, to the trial merch store, to a rudimentary court treasure map, to secondbysecond realtime closedcaption transcripting, and a qr code you can scan for more coverage and, i guess, msnbcs inroom dining menu. Why would you need the ubiquitous coverage is numbing, fading into televised wallpaper. With insight that only occasionally crackles through, such as he greeted her at his hotel room in satin or silk pajamas. Jon which . Both are smooth materials but satin or silk . Which . I need to know she said, she had my. I had my clothes and my shoes off. I removed my bra. We were in missionary position. Jon hmm. Missionary no wonder trump has locked up the evangelical voting bloc. Unlike those democrats and their devil doggystyle their devilish tell us more not wearing a condom. Jon dont tell us any more but perhaps this hyperfocus by our news media is purposeful to distract americans by keeping visions dancing penises in their heads. All the while, americans are losing their freedoms at home. The Biden Administrations war on energy is reaching into the American Home. Jon while we were penising, apparently the Biden Administration is reaching around, into the American Home put a stop to the department of energys continued crackdown on americanmade appliances. Never in my wildest imagination would i have thought that i would stand here on the house floor to defend my constituents appliances and gas stoves. I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to protect our gas stoves. Jon they can take our lives, but they can never take our cooktops apparently this was a bill they passed to stop the Biden Administrations new energy regulations. And look, im going to be 100 honest with everybody here im on the republicans side. I [bleep] hate electric stoves. I [bleep] hate them. I can not cook unless i can see how high the flame is, and ill be damned if i start burning my signature bananas foster because Joseph Goebbels biden is trying to ban gas stoves im sorry, im being told thats not whats happening. Apparently, the department of energy just set new efficiency standards for home appliances, and 97 of gas stoves already meet the new standards, so unless this is where you cook, youre probably fine. And even so, at the end of the day, its just gas stoves. Its not just gas stoves. Its your washer, your dryer, your dishwasher, and much more. They started with gas stoves. Jon and i did not speak up, for i was not a gas stove why do i do this scottish accent for that . Isnt that a german homily . Look, no disrespect to these [bleep] idiots, but i think we can move Household Appliances down on the threattodemocracy list, just below aluminumfree deodorant. Clearly, this was an overblown reaction. But that doesnt mean that this trial coverage isnt obscuring some true horrors. Theyre dead. The boy scouts are dead. The boy scouts, we can pretty much declare, are dead jon oh, my god the boy scouts are dead . While we were all fixated on the titillating details of the Stormy Daniels testimony, the boy scouts all died . Im assuming in a terrible smores explosion, engineered by one Joseph Charles manson biden the boy scouts of america is changing its name for the first time in history. The organization will be renamed scouting america to emphasize its commitment to inclusion of all youth. Jon oh. The boy scouts are alive, they just rebranded as an organization. Partly because they started letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that no one can hear me. A giant molestation scandal. Rebranding yourself is a triedandtrue formula for many such organizations. In fact, its why the Catholic Church now goes by the name gary. [laughter and applause] so i feel terrible for anyone at home named gary. What is the issue . There used to be sacred organizations where the children could really flourish. Is anything sacred, bob brooks . No. Jon nothing is sacred. What did happen to those sacred organizations, gary . But as you all were saying . What happens to institutions in america, and really all over the world, is patriotic people start these institutions and the left must destroy it. Its a sad day when young boys cant learn how to be strong men. Weve wrecked it. Actually, they wrecked it. Jon okay, i dont want to break character here, but this [bleep], this guy, who is blaming the left for the loss of our institutions where young boys can become strong men, his name is matt schlapp. You may remember him. Hes head of the american conservative union. You may remember him as the strong man who was sued by another fella for nonconsensually grabbing his dick in 2022. [audience reacts] yeah. That only got dropped after a reported 480,000 settlement. The point being, when this guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he knows of what he speaks. [laughter and applause] all this false outrage is starting to make me cynical about americas media ecosystem. Is there anything else going on that does merit a defcon 1 freakout . In the end, this is a sad day for america, a moral failing of a magnitude we cant even begin to calculate. Jon oh, my god, a moral failing we cant even begin to calculate . Perhaps its a combo failing . An appliance that changed its name to be more inclusive . Is mr. Coffee now they them coffee . Is that is that the danger we now face . President biden threatening to withhold more military aid if Israeli Military carries out an allout assault on the city of rafah. President biden halting a weapons shipment of 3500 bombs to israel. We paused one shipment of high payload munitions. Jon oh, my god the Biden Administration has paused one shipment of 3500 munitions, of the over 300,000 munitions israel has already dropped on gaza, to try and prevent the israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of this war are currently sheltering. I mean, oh, my god or to put that another way and now what the Biden Administration has done is they become the primary protector of hamas. He absolutely is siding with the terrorists. The only reason they arent dancing in iran is because they dont believe in dancing. Joe biden has been the greatest friend to hamas and hezbollah that there is on planet earth. Amen damn, hes good. Jon yes, nothing says gravitas like, [goofy laughing] hes a terrorist sympathizer high five the only thing we have to fear is fear itself yuk yuk yuk you people are [bleep] children. That came out wrong. [applause] i am curious, why would biden do holds that shipment now . I have made it clear to bibi and the war cabinet theyre not going to get our support if, in fact, theyre going into these Population Centers. Jon if they go into the Population Centers . The whole place is a Population Center theyve been in the Population Center for six months gaza is all Population Center you know what you never hear around gaza . Yeah, i dont live in the populated area. I live in upstate gaza. I live by the lakes it is really quiet there. Is there no one who can offer a more nuanced analysis of our newlyformulated position on the conflict . Preferably in some type of catacomb or echoey tunnel . What biden is doing with respect to israel is disgraceful. If any jewish person voted for joe biden, they should be ashamed of themselves. Jon [laughs] my apologizes to you, rabbi. Thank you so much for taking time off of your condomless porn star hush money trial to deliver a shame lecture to jews. I will reflect on your moral standing next yom kippur, you can be sure. What about a jew who might vote for him twice [correspondents chanting shame] jon first of all, guys, American Jews are americans. We do not have dual loyalties or citizenship, theres nothing to be ashamed of. Thats not what donald trump says. Donald trump says you should be ashamed [correspondents chanting shame] also, you shouldve been a doctor. [applause] jon guys, this is making me a little uncomfortable. Why . Donald trump is just saying that theres good jews and theres bad jews, and we have to start identifying the bad jews. Jon i dont like where this is going. [correspondents chanting shame] shanda jon shanda . Yeah, im jewish, too jon what . Oh, i didnt know that. Yeah, on my mothers side [correspondents chanting shame] jon get out of here my god go [cheers and applause] as i was saying. Shame jon oh, for gods sake. Shame shame on you shame shame jon i know. Ronny, we already did the israel shame bit. No, i was talking about death to smoochy. I spent ten bucks on that movie shame on you jon it is a good movie. So are you not ashamed . Jon no, im not. Listen. Heres ten bucks. Just go. Thank you. This makes up for israel. Jon thank you. When we come back, john della volpe will be joining us, so dont go away. Us, so dont go away. [cheers and you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo someones smelling fresh. Does she take my old spice total Body Deodorant with 24 7 freshness, and use it all over her total body and all over their total bodies . Unbelievable. old spice mnemonic weve never spoken. But youve told us many things. That you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. The lexus es didnt begin in a studio it began with you. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is the director of polling at Harvard Kennedy Schools Institute of politics and author of fight how gen z is channeling their fear and passion to save america. Please welcome john della volpe [cheers and applause] sir come and sit. [cheers and applause] thank you for joining us thank you for having me. Jon you have spoken to gen z, many of them here tonight, by the way. I dont know if you spoke to them. How many of you spoke to john . Okay. [cheers and applause] that is crazy. Turn this into a focus group maybe . Jon that is a focus group. How do you get to gen z . I have two of them in my house and i dont know what they think about anything. They want to be listened to. It is actually quite, quite, quite easy. You can bring a group of young people together, and i ask a couple simple questions. Do you feel understood . No. What do people like me, what do you think people like me dont understand about you . And then we learn from those kinds of questions and we conduct very largescale surveys of a relatively small population. So whereas most polls across the country might have 1,000 americans, maybe a couple thousand americans, we do a couple thousand young people between the ages of 1829, who are representative of that generation across the country. So we learn from what we hear, and we try to quantify that through very largescale, very rigorous surveys a couple times a year. Jon and you write in that their passion will save this country. I do think so. I do think so. Because, as i talked about the severe anxiety and depression that they have, but in many cases, other generations, who feel that way, it is normal to actually flee and to run away. But this generation has decided to use all of the tools, as david hogg, the parkland activist talks about to use all of the tools in their civic toolbox to fix problems and stand up for the vulnerable, whether it is voting, protesting jon do you think they are different than past generation . The idea that this generation had challenges in a way that no one else has. I just think that is putting upon them a sense of victimhood that is not necessarily and i think can ultimately have them play into that identity, as opposed to saying, yeah, man, your perspective is this is the worst the world has ever been, but im going to tell you something, the world is hard, and it is horrible sometimes, but to treat them as though they have faced some kind of condition that is so anathema to everything that all these other generations have faced doesnt feel real to me. I didnt say more than all other generations. Jon you said since the greatest generation. The difference, though, without seeing america united. The difference between a millennial, in my view, and a gen zer, is a millennial remembers a september 11th and september 12th and 13th. For that period of time when we came together, the red county and blue county and the flag, we came together. Jon that was a day. Right. It was a short period of time. Jon [laughs] this generation doesnt understand that. And it has been division after division. And it would be easy for them, in my opinion, to not engage in politics, not try to work with other people, to try to address this. Jon but how much of that is a fiction . How much of that is imposed upon them through the algorithm and through the media, that somehow, we were just talking about this, a young woman in the audience, said, how do you remain hopeful . I said, the way i remain hopeful is to separate the world that you read about it and hear about on the news and in the algorithm from the world you experience as a human being every day. And arent we, by creating these data points of the horror they all live in yeah, it sucks to have shooter drills. But we had nuclear war drills, where we hid under desks, and i didnt know that much about the atomic bomb, but i was pretty sure my desk wouldnt help. But do you understand what im saying . I do. [applause] jon so we create this mythology around these things that is part of that separation. But there is nothing seeing children slaughtered in schools, we did not see a nuclear war, is not mythology. Jon but we were seeing it in vietnam. And we are seeing that. But i am telling you is, listen, there is elements of this i agree, and we collectively should be putting this into context for people. Jon yes i agree with that. Jon okay. I agree with that. But what im saying is that we dont have to agree that we just have to understand the way that they feel and where they are coming from, and help them help themselves and help us. That is my message. And these issues are real, because we could work a summer job as an intern or cutting grass and afford a one year tuition at public or private university. We could do that in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. Young people cant do that today. You can work one job and afford a house. These are the rights, not only is this generation losing Reproductive Health care from the supreme court, but this is a generation who feels like they are losing other rights. The rights to attend their College Without going broke if you work hard. The rights to own a home or piece of property. Those are the rights. Jon do we really need to talk to the gen z anymore . Dont we know enough already . I watch the tiktok. It is everywhere do they do you think social media has hurt them . Unquestionably, it has hurt them. Jon really . It has hurt them. Jon what would you do to ameliorate this feeling that gen z is having and or has it helped them organize and so you wouldnt lose it because it is a doubleedged there is certainly some pros to it. There are folks who feel vulnerable who can find community on that space where they cant find it in their own community, and that is good. They can organize from it. But the degree to which fear is instilled in their lives, i was talking the other day in terms of what people are anxious about, and a lot of the young men i talked to have feeds every morning of car crashes. Horrible, horrible car crashes in their tiktok, instagram feeds, where they are concerned about driving to work. The economic fears jon wait, what . In terms of the algorithms. Jon it just feeds them car crashes . Car crashes. It feeds car crashes to them. Jon how the [bleep] does not even start . That is just one that is one example. Jon can i tell you, all i get is that one girl going i am two days into college and im three lectures behind, and then its just 1,000 people dancing to that. That is you, that is your algorithm. They found you. Jon im doing it wrong. Thank you very much for coming by. Harvards john della volpe. It is what is the name of the book . Fight. Jon gen z. Were going to take a quick break, but well be right back after this. 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Knock yourself out. Delicious. man whistles sounding sirens what is he wearing . Bro, i said dress like a cop busting a speakeasy. I thought you told me it was a sleep easy and that made sense to you . Dont answer that. On your period, sudden gushes happen. Say goodbye gush fears thanks to always ultra thins. With rapiddry technology. That absorbs two times faster. Hellooo clean and comfortable. Always. Fear no gush. It makes no sense that some people forget lunch. At popeyes, we say go crispy. Go bold. Go memorable. We say lets bring lunch back. We dont make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from popeyes [cheers and applause] jon hey, everybody that is our show for thursday night ill be back on monday after i am spending the weekend in a hyperbaric chamber. To only have three days off. [laughs] here it is, your moment of zen. In may, 2024, House Republicans and set out to fight the most important were currently happening in the entire world. I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to protect our gas stoves. And i am proud again to lead this effort to protect our home appliances. Behold the epic saga of this band of grand standards. The Biden Administrations war on energy is closing the door to your refrigerator. It is raining your dishwasher. To their constituents appliance and gas stoves. This summer, these are the g. I. S who protect your g. E. S. Strobes, dishwashers, washing machines, showers, toilets, water heaters, air conditioners, heat pumps, and furnaces. Tom hanks and Steven Spielberg definitely do not present saving pilot lightning. Give it a couple of months, and they will be coming after everybodys backyard girls. Leave no appliance behind. Im goin down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation goin down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine remember when i said we need to screen for colon cancer . Was that after i texted the age to screen was now 45 . [both] because i said cologuard® hey there where did he come from . Yup, with me you can screen at home. Just talk to your provider. [both] well screen with cologuard and do it my way. Cologuard is a oneofakind way to screen for colon cancer thats effective and noninvasive. Its for people 45 at average risk, not high risk. False positive and negative results may occur. Ask your provider for me, cologuard. [ video game beeping ] see, stan . You gotta choose if you wanna be in gryffindor or slytherin. Yeah, can i do it . Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys. Randy. [ beeping continues ] randy the powder room toilet is broken. Again did you jiggle the handle . Yes, i jiggled the handle. Will you come fix this, please . Okay, okay. [ beeping continues ] huh, well, lets see. Its gotta be the little black floaty thingie. Whatd you do to it . I didnt do anything. Lemme see if theres water in the bowl. No dont lift the lid. Why cant i lift the lid . Dont, randy uhhuh. Hey, guys your mom took a shit and doesnt want me to see it. Ew gross, dad randy we need to get a new toilet. We cant just get rid of ol blue, sharon. This is embarrassing. Its the powder room toilet, the one guests use. You get a new toilet, randy, or im not helping you sell weed anymore alright, alright. Sharon, you win. As usual. Poor ol blue. [ indistinct conversations ] can i help you with anything . Oh, yeah, just lookin for a new toilet to replace ol blue. Alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, come with full warranty. How much you looking to spend . Well im not poor. I happen to have my own weed business. So thats pretty much the nicest one you have, right . Yeah, thats probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into the japanese toilets. Japanese toilets . Yeah, theyre the sort of the superhighclass luxury models with all the bells and whistles. But you probably dont wanna spend that kind of money. Im not poor. Oh, well, we can show them to you. The japanese toilets are right over there. Hi, rick. This gentleman would like to see the japanese toilets. Well, of course, sir. My name is rick. Let me know if theres anything you need. These toilets are all equipped with the highestend features, including an automatic bidet system, bluetooth capability, and seat warmers. Seat warmers . Of course. And the toilet senses when youve come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you. Can i offer you come sparkling water or champagne . Oh, sure, ill take some champagne. All the toilets functions are operated by a touchbutton remote which you mount where the toiletpaper roll used to go. So then where do you keep the toilet paper . With a japanese toilet, you dont need toilet paper. The toilet washes you completely clean. Youre mad. No, its true. It has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. Would you like to take one for a test drive . Oh, uh, sure. I did have kind of a big breakfast. Right over here. [ new age music plays ] oh, yeah i, i, i oh. Oh, yeah [ water running ] whoa ooh. Oh, oh oh. Ahhh oh, oh [ chuckles ] [ farts ] [ farts ] [ button beeps, water running ] ohh oh. [ button beeps, toilet flushes ] okay, how much . Guys, i wanted to talk to you because i want you all to think about how were viewed as a family. You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, and were sort of looked up to in this town because we have nice things that most families cant afford. I mean, stan, youre playing Hogwarts Legacy on ps5, right . Youre playing Hogwarts Legacy on a ps5. Yeah, my my point is that most people in town dont even have a ps5. They still have ps4s, and so were basically the kennedys of south park. And the plain fact is that welloff families have nice things, and we shouldnt be ashamed of that. [ doorbell rings ] ohp new toilets here hajimemashite. Japanese torei des uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in. Delivery men kyo fun yori kro fun yori kyo fun yori kro fun yori kro fun yori thats the new toilet . How much did it cost . Oh, sharon. Tennish. Whats tennish . Tennish. Thousandish. Ten thousandish. You spent 10,000 on a toilet . we dont have that kind of money, randy yeah, we do. Shitsurei shimasu owarimashita. Okay, yeah, right here . Okay. [ boots clomping ] doomo aringanto gozaimashita together aringato gozaimashita k, thanks. You are taking that back to the store. Try it, sharon. I dont need to, randy. I want try it, sharon [ new age music plays ] [ button beeps ] oh, yeah oh. Oh. I, i, i [ button beeps ] oh ohh ahhaha i wanna try it. Shhh ahhoho ohh [ bell rings ] oh, look, there he goes. Its mr. Big shot. Hey, richie rich. You eating caviar for lunch today, richie rich . Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit. About what . Come on, guys did you know some people cant even afford to eat . How about caring for something that matters, you bitch . What the [bleep] . Hey, stan, you really have to be careful. Of what . Look, its great that you come from a wealthy family, but people dont like getting their noses rubbed in it. Dude, i havent even said anything well, your dad called everyone last night and told them you have a 10,000 toilet. What . well, thanks for having us over for brunch, randy. Yeah, whats the special occasion . Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends. Does anyone need to go to the bathroom . Uh, no, im im good. Oh, maybe some more coffee, then. Can you guys believe all the snow weve gotten . Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought. Lets hope so. Does anyone need a bathroom break . Well, actually, ii think i could use the restroom. That was kind of a big breakfast. Oh oh, yeah, sure its, uh its right across the hallway. Right there. Excuse me. [ new age music plays ] butters dad oh. What was that . Oh, thats the welcome music for my japanese toilet. Ive heard of those. Arent they expensive . Yeah, a bit. But for those of us who can afford it, its well worth it. [ button beeps ] oh ohhh ohhhh hes now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water. Oh. Ohhh ah thats the front washer that washes your balls, or vagina. [ farts ] if you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper cant clean you half as well as pressurized water. I feel bad that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but im just lucky ive sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck . Or was it hard work . Heck, i dont know, but you know dad, can i talk to you . stan . Youre back from school already . I need to talk to you right now the [bleep] are you doing . [bleep] are you doing . You need to stop gloating to everybody i am not gloating. Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me richie rich they are . Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and youre acting like a jerk. Youre stupid. Im acting like a jerk because im trying to help people . how are you trying to help people, dad . Because the people dont know that these toilets are awesome, and im just, like, the wellrespected guy whos trying to open peoples eyes like jfk. You are not like jfk youre just showing off nuuh, im like jfk cause i am trying to change things youre part of a very respected family, stan. You should start acting like it. Okay, whos next . Sometimes it takes a different approach to imagine your future differently. With capella universitys gamechanging flexpath format, set your own deadlines and access coursework any time. Her uncles unhappy. With capella universitys gamechanging flexpath format, im sensing an underlying issue. Its tmobile. It started when we tried to get him under a new plan. But they they unexpectedly unraveled their price lock guarantee. Which has made him, a bit. Unruly. You called yourself the uncarrier. You sing about price lock on those commercials. the price lock, the price lock. so, if you could change the price, change the name its not a lock, i know a lock. So how can we undo the damage . We could all unsubscribe and switch to xfinity. Their connection is unreal. And we could all unexperience this whole session. Okay, thats uncalled for. Isnt it absolutely bonkers that you can walk into a store, hand someone a piece of plastic, and they will willingly hand over reeses cups . Forget flying cars. This is it. Were at the pinnacle. And meet reeses distant but delicious cousins. [ new age music plays ] oh, yeah i, i, i atashi wa heia desu randy singing along toire ni iru kara randy . Kimochi ii randy what . your proctologist is here to see you. My proctologist . Atashi oh, hey there, doc. Well, randy marsh, how are ya . Im doing great. How are you . Wonderful just been super busy. Im actually takin the wife to tuscany day after tomorrow. Tuscany . Wow. Awesome. Yeah, well, randy you havent been in my office for a few days, so i thought id come do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids. Oh no, doctor. I havent needed to come to your office. In fact, i dont think ill be needing your services anymore since ive gotten a japanese toilet. Oh oh, really . Its completely changed my life. Im healthier, im less stressed, and i dont get hemorrhoids cause im not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper. Huh. Here, here. You wanna come see it . go on, check it out. [ beep, chime ] [ whirring ] [ doctor shouting, banging on toilet ] ddr. Sheltair . [ shouting and banging continues ] dr. Sheltair . you stupid whoa hey hey hey you ruined tuscany gah stop it i hate you i hate you i hate you go on get out of here how am i supposed to tell my wife we cant afford to go to tuscany now . i never realized you made so much money off my ass. Go on. Get. Get [ bell rings ] [ murmuring ] hey, stan stan hold up what . Well, um, youre just a really good friend, stan, and and i was gonna ask if maybe i could borrow your plungercost . Whats a plungercost . It doesnt cost nothing when your toilets nice as yours, richie rich [ laughter ] i did it i called stan richie rich, too that was fun stan, youve got to stop bragging about your toilet. Im not bragging about my toilet and why is it such a big deal anyway . Its a big deal, stan. You just dont understand why. Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper . Were told to wash our hands. Wear masks in crowds. But for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass, were told to do it with this little piece of paper. We are all all of us Walking Around right now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes. Did you know that 70 of people in the world dont even use it at all . 70 of the world doesnt use toilet paper . Look it up. Most people in the world still use good ol soap and water. The average american uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year. Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is . To supply the United States its toilet paper, it takes 31. 1 Million Trees per year. A million acres per year of precious canadian boreal forest alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of co2 and leveling 90 of the land barren. So, then, why do americans use it so much . Well, thats the big question, isnt it . None of it makes any sense. Well, then, maybe Somebody Just tell your dad to stop. Americans dont want to change their toilets and they never will. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Public Service announcement. One of our citizens has asked to speak with you. Please welcome mr. Randy s. Marsh. Thank you, mayor. Thank you, everyone. You know, the marshes are a family that try to always lead by example. And we know that all of you appreciate that. Everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be. You might not be the marshes, but you can afford a japanese toilet. Just not a really nice one like what we have. If you take into account the money we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream, a japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years. There are actually japanese toilets made for commoners. Walmart and amazon all carry the lower cost of shitty japanese toilets that anyone can afford. Theres even these like attachment thingies for your existing toilet which will make you feel like a marsh yourself. They may not be nihon no styleru, but they are good enough for you guys. The point is even commoners dont need toilet paper anymore and, so, i am suggesting that this town puts all [ gunshot ] man holy shit randy . wah [ screaming ] im sorry, but hes in critical condition. Who shot him . Nobody knows. Is he gonna be okay . Hes in a coma. Hes unconscious and just blabbering nonsense. [ monitor beeping ] bikkuri. Bikkurishita. Taiehn deshou. Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here. Your wife, your daughter, and your son. Ttoire wa . No, your toilet is back at the farm. Taihen ja naaaa. Dad, im sorry i yelled at you before. I didnt know you were really trying to help. Konnichi waaa. Stan, where are you going . I let dad down once. Somebody has to pick up where he left off. You want thicker, stronger, fuller hair . You need expert skincare. New dove scalp hair therapy serum active skincare ingredients targets the source of beautiful hair. Your scalp for visibly thicker, stronger, fuller hair. Harris i promise were doing all we can. Im sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals. Theres something more going on here. I think my dad was on to something and i didnt listen to him, and now hes in a hospital. Weve already got a few leads and were following up on all of them. I assure you we take this all very seriously. This isnt a joke to us. Chief, hey, chief yeah . An angry proctologist walked in to the toilet section of home depot. [ chuckles ] yyeah . Proctologist says to the toilet manager, i aint taking the fall, and pulls a gun on six japanese delivery men. [ chuckling ] okay. So, then, the six japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has everyone held hostage and says hes not taking the fall for the randy marsh shooting. Oh, shit, this is actually happening . come on people lets go [ radio chatter, siren chirps ] i aint going down for this you got that, coppers . i didnt shoot anybody but if im going down, ill take these careless bastards out with me would you like some sparkling water or cham [ gasps ] get get outta here come on out. Theres no other way, we have you surrounded. I didnt shoot randy marsh taihen nobodys saying you did no, but theyre gonna use me as their scapegoat theyll fix things like they always do who will . Theyll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about toilets two years ago theyll take me out, too [ cocks gun ] theres no stopping them dont do it [ gunshot ] sabishiiiii aww alright move in secure the area. 2nd grade kid two years ago. Wrote about toilets in the school news paper. You werent warning me about people getting upset. You know more about this. Hey you wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you yeah i wrote a story, big deal jimmy, i want to know who shot my dad they took everything from me, stan. My bike. My cat. They were gonna sue my parents for what i wrote in the school paper. Youre talking about the toilet Paper Companies. Who has the most to lose . Its all toilet paper, stan follow the money 140 rolls per american per year. Factories pushing out roll after roll while razing earths resources. All of this for an unsanitary product that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures. Dont you get it, man . Paper doesnt clean bacteria. It cant stop viruses. With all that information, youd think the World Health Organization would do studies to find alternatives. So why dont they . Because toilet paper is an Industry Worth billions and bbillions of dollars. Kimberlyclark, georgiapacific, procter gamble. They dont want japanese toilets in america and they have the power to stop them, and to stop you. I cant believe they shot my dad. Because he wanted to change things. These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. They can destroy everything you love, stan. Take my advice. Dont. Squeeze. The charmin. You might be too scared jimmy, but im a marsh. My fellow americans. We have been coerced and brain washed. While the rest of the world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper sold to us by billiondollar corporations. Yeah. Hey, yeah, hes right my father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives. But they dont want him talking about alternatives yeah yeah yeah yeah and we cant be blindly buying their products anymore. And as a town, we will find alternatives, and we will not be afraid to stop stop were not doing this dad everyone just stop, were not doing this. Thank you. South park, uh, wewere cutting this short. I was totally wrong and i want to apologize. No, dad, its the toilet Paper Companies that are behind all the yeah, i know. Yeah, so, uh, wwe have nothing against toilet paper. Its a great product and, uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. Thanks, though. Well see ya later. Dad, we cant just back down. Bro i got [bleep] shot japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, i think all of south park would like to apologize. We retract what we said about toilet Paper Companies. They they have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. South park everyone say youre sorry. All were sorry. Okay, great. Come on, guys, lets go home. What about helping people and leading by example . Were not the goddamn kennedys, stan. Stop being an idiot. Nice to have you back, ol blue. You know, guys, im actually not that sad. Having a japanese toilet was great, but. Ive come to realize that, when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. So, its really best to just stick with the beatup, crappy old things we have. Love you forever, honey. Im goin down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation goin down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind