Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20240712

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20240712

And the fresh prince of belair is getting a dramatic makeover. Youre going to belair to live with your uncle. And your yawntie. According to the Hollywood Reporter will smith is teaming up with Morgan Cooper to create a new show base and coopers viral youtube trailer that he made last year reimagining the beloved 19 90s comedy as a modern day drama. Smith is onboard to produce and cooper will cowrite and redirect the reboot. Trevor i want to be honest. I dont know how to feel about this, because yes, the trailer looks amazing but that is just the trailer. Im worried there are other moments from the original show that might not work in a drama. I dont care what you say, there is no way to make carltons dancing dramatic. And i know this because we tried. You see . Plus i would argue that the original fresh prince already had a lot of drama. I mean carlton had a pregnancy scare, jeffrey almost got deported and overnight they switch dark swin aunt for light skin, that shit is dramatic as hell, but i get it hollywood is experiencing success with grits reboot, joker, riverdale, so fresh prince makes sense. Im not going to complain, i will cash in on this, im pitching my own dramatic reboot of Spongebob Square pants. You know why i live in a pineapple under the sea . Why, spongebob . Cuz a mango killed my father lets move on now from the world of fiction to a story you wish wasnt real. In georgia far right gop candidate Marjorie Taylor green has won her primary, she has ties with qanon, an online Conspiracy Theory group that the fbi labeled a potential domestic terrorism threat. The business woman has come under fire for making racist, antisem edic and antimuslim comments. Also listed on the Southern Poverty Law Center hate watch, endorsed with a man with ties to local comiet supremacist, a believer in the qanon conspiracy that centers on a person that claims q posted inside knowledge of the president quietly leading a revolution, and that everyone be will be put in jail. Trevor thats right, a qanon conspiracy ther rest is about to become a member of congress. And if you are wondering what is qanon, well, it is a movement that believes that hollywood and the Democratic Party are actually a secret worldwide child sex trafficking ring whose members har veses the blood of children for its lifeextending prove see. And that the only person protecting the world from this evil is donald trump. So let me get this straight. On the one hand, the Democratic Party is so smart and powerful that they can run a secret shadow organization, ma ma ma, but they are also stupid enough to be outsmarted by donald trump. Also, donald trump was bffs with jeffrey epstein, aka the white r. Kelly, so how the hell is he going to protect something that he is a part of. That is like cardi b trying to protect the world from people who make bird sounds, okurrr and another anotherring this dumb thing about this, why would any sane adult thinks that drinking childrens blood have the power to make you younger. Guys, everyone knows you can only get younger by drinking the blood of paul rudd. Rudd blood. The secret to having an adult babyface forever. Rud rudd blood in other News New York city has got his Coronavirus Infection rate down to just 1 percent. And now theyre asking tim apple to help them keep it that way. New york citys Transit Agency is asking apple to help slow the spread of the coronavirus on subways and buses. So the agency wants the hightech giant to create a face i. D. That works with face masks. The goal is to let people unlock their iphones without having to remove their masks. New york state requires masks on public tption but the agency says people are violating the rules to access their phone. Trevor sometimes i think technology is the greatest thing that ever happened to humans. And sometimes i think it is just going to set us back. Because instead of just typing in the four digit pass code people are taking off their masks so the phone can see their face which to me seems like more work, honestly. At this point im just surprised peoples phones still recognize them. I mean this is what i look like prequarantine. And this is me now. Look at me. I look like my own evil nappy twin. Look at me, by the way, people, why are you starring at your phone while you are in the subway. That is dangerous. You got to stay alert. You never know who is going to come on to the train and steal your belongings. Or your heart. By the way, if you are a beautiful woman with brown hair who was on the e train at 5 30 p. M. Yesterday, gimme my stuff back. Now beyond the fresh prince, qanon and mta, there is one major story that has got everyone buzzing. Kamala harris. Vice president ial candidate and woman joe biden is going to call home girl in less than three weeks. After it was announced that she would be bidens running mate, many people were celebrating the historic milestone of having a black and south asian woman on a major party ticket. Although as you might expect, President Trump had a slightly different take. Reaction was quick at the white house where President Trump used his daily Coronavirus Briefing to bash bidens choice. She was extraordinarily nasty to kavanaugh, judge kavanaugh then, now justice kavanaugh. I thought she was the meanest the most horrible, most disrespectful of anybody in the u. S. Senate. Claiming he wanted biden to pick harris, President Trump says he is surprised biden actually did, after that heated primary debate. She was probably nasdaqier than even pocahontas to joe biden. She was very disrespectful to joe biden. She said things during the debates for the democrat primary debates that were horrible about sleepy joe. And i would think that he wouldnt have picked her. Trevor yeah, she was so horrible to sleepy joe. And that loser deserves so much more respect than that. Is trump attacking or defending joe biden. I cant tell. I thought this election would be trump versus joe biden. Now i think we could just lock trump in a room and let him hash it out by himself. What did me say to me, me heard me. I mean of all people, donald trump should totally understand how you can be with a woman who publicly humiliated you, he also shouldnt be surprised that past enemies can become your friend, look who he has been working with. Ted cruz who called him a pathological life and narcissist. Lindsey graham who saidni he wai bigot and a nut job who was destroying the republican party. Marco rubio who called him a conartist and said he had a small dick. And of course Jared Kushner who selfishly married the love of trumps life, thats right, man, we aint never gonna forget. If anything, camaa harris on the particular with joe biden is a genius move by the former vp. Because not only does she tick a bunch of boxes, butni clearly conservatives are going to struggle to put her in one. Joe biden is running on the most radical platform of any candidate from any major party in u. S. History. Now with the most radical running mate ever. He doesnt really have core beliefs. Her record as attorney general is absolutely abysmal, by fighting to keep inmates locked up in overcrowded prisons. As a prosecutor in san francisco, oh, san francisco, she allowed, well, scores of violent criminals to walk free. Did you know that Kamala Harris has a higher rating from the Police Association in 2019 than from the aclu. She is soflt on crime, she is no friend of the police. Harris wasnt picked for personal charm. She is very telegenic, i get that, the media will say she is very hip. I think the pick was some what you are surprising. I think it was kind of a boring pick. I think everyone was expecting biden to pick kamala. Trevor oh, man. Poor republicans, this he are so confused. Kamala is like their version of that green needle brain storm meme. Honestly it is kind of cute watching republicans flail around trying to figure out the right talking point. You know, it is like when was born, they little puppies are born they havent opened their eyes yet. They better figure this shit out soon or else their attack ads will be really unconvincing. Joe biden has picked Kamala Harris. But who is Kamala Harris. She hates the police. Except for the times that she loves the police . She is also soft on druk crime, drug crime, but is too tough on drug crime, sometimes. Shes black. But also indian. Is that even allowed . Kamala harris, we havent decide idea shes bad yet but we already paid for this ad. Im donald trump and im confused by this message. Trevor we have to take a quick break. But when we come back, well tell you everything you need to know about Kamala Harris. A the person, the politician and the chef . Stick around. Get extra napkins when you order a hotandjuicy quarter pounder. A normal amount of napkins, just wont do. Ba da ba ba ba now tmobile has thousands more. Locations across the country. More towers and more coverage than ever before. Tmobile is americas largest 5g network. With more 5g coverage than verizon and at t combined. Experience it now with our best deal ever. Unlimited for 25 dollars a line for four lines with 5g access included. Its time to join tmobile. [jet engine] [splash] its not just the ships. The armor. Or the aircraft. [jet engines] its something more. Its the will to fight. And determination to win. Found inside each and every marine. That answers a nations call. Battles won. Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your Car Insurance tada so you only pay for what you need . I should get a quote. Do it. Only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. A tasty duet of two treats in one and dont you worry cause weve got a ton for you. Its true cream soda and dr pepper time new dr pepper and cream soda. A delicious duet daily social distancing show. Lets talk about the vice president. Aka the worlds moos prestigious hype man. Now that comala harris is one step away from getting that job, a lot of people are starting to wonder who is kamentala harris. Kamala harris and how did she get where she is today. Lets find out in our ongoing political segment getting to know them. Most of us are familiar with Kamala Harris the senator and president ial candidate. But you may be surprised to find out that like many of us she started out as a child. Shes the daughter of immigrants, a father from jamaica and a mother from southern india, both active in the civil rights era. Part of the second class to integrate berkeley California Public schools. She did her undergrad at howard which makes her the first historically black grad on a major ticket. Harris is passionate about cooking. In fact, people in the l. A. Area may have heard harris calling in to cooking shows. My entire childhood was pretty much spent in the kitchen. As this, it will all become fralg rant fragrant, tie that little bad boy up. There is our chicken. Trevor quai, the daughter of immigrants, an hbcu graduate and on top of it allk a pretty damn good cook. Which means if she wins, that is going to be a really big change for the kitchen at the vp residence. I mean kamala will be in there making delicious jamaican and indian food, meanwhile mike pence doesnt even have a spice cabinet because as he puts it spice is the annal sex of flavor. And just by the way, isnt it funny that every election the democrats are putting together the most diverse tickets that they can like what about a black man whose half kenyan, or how about a woman who is black and indian. Meanwhile the republicans are over here like okay, look. I know weve got a wpite guy on the ticket. But what if we could find a guy who is even whiter. Pack your bags, billy, were going to indiana. So after graduating from howard university, harris returned to california to get her law degree. Throughout the 19 90s she built a solid career as a prosecutor and then in 2003 she made her move into the public eyewitnesses 38 year old Kamala Harris came out of nowhere and as she did, she made history. The first woman ever to be in san franciscos District Attorney and the first africanamerican woman in such a job ever. The state of california. Kamala harris has received praise for creating innovative programs to reduce crime and prevent repeat offenders. Harris is the first female, first african marn and first Asian American attorney general in california. News week calls her one of the most powerful women in america and she proved it this month when she successfully pushed through a first of its kind homeowner bill of rights. Kamala harris is already making history, she is called by some observers the female barack obama. Okay, can i just put in a request. That we start calling every successful black politician the next barack obama or the female barack obama or the sleeping barack obama. Everyone has got their own name. Everyone has got their own story. I mean like kamala basically in every job she had, she made history. First black female da in california. First female and first black attorney general in california. First south asian senator in all of america. Which says a lot of great things about her, also a lot of not so great things about society. Because i mean black women could have been doing these jobs the whole time. Its in the like in 2011 black women suddenly got an yun grade that made them fit for office. Oh hey, they released black women 3. 0. They can be attorney general now. Now on the one hand being californias District Attorney 20 years ago is what made Kamala Harris a star. But a lot has changed in that 20 years. And some of the things she did at the time are a little less popular with many of todays democrats. Kamala harris is defending her record as a prosecutor, that some activists is he as being prolaw enforcement at the expense of civil rights. Progressives say harris was not progressive enough, failing to seek justice for the wrongfully imprisoned. Contributing as prosecutor to the mass incarceration of black men. Criticized in a lot of communities for not using the full power of her office to investigate police shootings. Critics are questioning her policies which they say worked against black families including a crackdownath school . I mean i get that you wanted kids to get an education but it must have been better waysnr to keep them, like why dont you tell kids that if they go to school every day, they can get an education. That will help them get a good job so that they can advance in society. You know, lie to them. What i really want to know is how did this program work. Like would the parents and kids go to jail together like would she share a jail cell, join the same gang, get matching tattoos . Hello, will smith, ive got another idea for a really dope tv hello . Now to be fair since harris was elected to the u. S. Senate in 2016 her views have moved closer to those of modern progresses. Shes called for overhauling the prison system, inte introa dualsed a bail reform bill and tried to de criminalize weed. But one of the things that has people most excited about seeing Kamala Harris as vp is her long history of grilling republicans on Live National television. Californias junior senator is notable both in biography and her twoarea tenure in the senate. Supporters hail harris rapid fire questioning. Senator harris being possibly the best prosecutor the senate has ever seen. Can you think of any laws that give government the power to make decisions about the male body . Im not im not thinking of any right now, senator. Has the president or anyone at the white house ever asked or suggested that you open an investigation of anyone . Um i wouldnt i wouldnt. Yes or no. Senator, im very sensitive about time. And i would like to have a very lengthy conversation and explain that all to you. I tried to do that shall. Can you give me a yes or no answer. It is not a short answer. It is, either you are willing to do that or not. So when there is. Excuse me, im asking the questions. I do want you to be honest. Im not able to be rushed this fast. It makes me nervous. And when i get nervous, i start pooping gold coins. But yes, Kamala Harris doesnt meg around. When she is asking questions you will answer those questions, just hope she knows how to turn it off when she is vice president. She doesnt want to be at a funeral and be like im so sorry about your husband, where were you on the night she died. That is Kamala Harris, prosecutor, senator and now vp candidate, and who knows where she will go from here. At this rate one day they might be calling barack obama the previous Kamala Harris. Wait, does that make sense . Okay, when we come back, we learn how science can beat yoaf. And how dumb people can beat science. Did you already brush your teeth tonight . Well, guess tonights going to be. A twobrush night. Right . Not sorry. Reeses. Not sorry. [son] mom yeah. [son] i fell. Okay theres bandages in the cabinet. [son] im bleeding. Grab two. Sheba. What cats want. A mobile plan that blows away those highpriced plans boost mobiles all new hrinkit plan the longer you stay, the less you pay. Watch your bill shrink to 35 month after just 6 ontime payments. Plus get a free Samsung Galaxy a11 when you switch on our new, upgraded network. Boost mobile. Its easier than ever to enjoy what you love from us in the comfort of your own home. Order and pay on our app or at ogtogo. Com. Choose from all your favorites like fettuccine alfredo or soup, salad and breadsticks. Then bring it all home with contactless carside pickup. The hardest part is deciding where to start. Olive garden were all family here. Daily social distancing show. While most developed nations have gotten coronavirus under control, america has not. And part of the reason is because the government refuses to implement the advice of doctors and scientists. So recently our ver

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