Distance show. Announcer from trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show, with trevor noah. Trevor you know, during dark times like these im often reminded of the words of the great 20th century philosopher robert mcferrin, when he wrote, dont worry. Ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooooh ooh ooooh be happy now. Thats what were going to do now in our ongoing segment, a ray of sunshine. Our first bit of good comes out of canada the only country where syrup has legal rights. And where one family found love in a hopeless place. Reporter carrie lynn ellis was not going to let coronavirus restrictions stop her from giving a big hug on mothers day. She and her husband created what they call the hug glove in their backyard of ontario, canada. It is a plastic sheet with sleeves in it to allow hugs while preventing direct contact. Ellis said she and her mother, they were in tears. Its hard to say if they were tears of joy, tears of laughter, or maybe a little bit of both. Trevor okay, im sorry, i dont want to cry, but this is the sweetest story of a grandma in a fullbody condom that ive ever heard. Seriously, though, this is a heartwarming invention. Its wonderful for that family, and for that shower curtain. Think about it, because, normally shower curtains see us apt our worst were naked, cleaning our butts, singing bad. But this one got outside to see that humans are not so bad. You know it wont take long for people to start using it for the wrong reason. Grandma got hugged but two guys from the bar will be saying whatd you just say to me . Awww hell, no. Get inside the plastic. Get inside the plastic, dawg. Lets handle this like men. Moving on. Theres no denying that one of the biggest things we miss the most right now is traveling you know, seeing new places, visiting your family, fleeing to a country without extradition. Well, now theres a new company that gives you a little taste of travel, right at home. Reporter just because youre stuck at home doesnt mean you cant get some airline food. The aptly named company, imperfect foods, is selling the snacks previously given to Airline Passengers and airline customers. The company is dedicated to eliminating food waste so for just 3 a package, you can enjoy the jetblue crackers and cheese. Trevor yes, if youve been craving pulverized crackers and cheese that tastes like a pencil eraser, well, this is your lucky day. And, you know, i hope they dont stop at airline food, because in my dream world, for an extra fee, theyd send over someone with strong body odor to sit next to me on my couch and fight me for the armrest. I feel like im on vacation already for real, though, guys, who in their right mind, who in their right mind, wowlz think airplane food is the thing that people miss most about air traveler. This would be like if coachella tried to recreate the festival experience by sending you dust and a porta potty. Its like im there. And, finally, do you sometimes wish that you could say, screw safety. Im just gonna grab all my friends and run wild through the streets . Well, it turns out, youre not the only one. Invasion of the goats. That was the scene in one neighborhood after a herd of goats got loose. The goats managed to knock over an electric fence and took a leisurely stroll through the streets. Neighbors had to open up a side gate and lead the goats back where they were supposed to be. Nobody was hurt, but there was some minor damage. Hey hey go go go trevor holy shit did you see that . Not one of those goats is wearing a mask fauci is not gonna be happy i will say, though, those goats are tempting fate running through the streets like that when theres a meat shortage in the country. They could run wild in the suburbs but if they try that in the bronx my jamaican peeps will turn them into a curry like that a whaddis . Look ere a firsttime goat deliver demselves dis who hordered goatmates . . But its clear whats happened here. Humans have stayed inside too long, and animals have forgotten whos boss. You know what that means. When lockdown ends, were just going to have to fight them to take back our streets. As soon as quarantine ends, first goat i see, im going to be like, ay, yo goat get into the plastic. Lets handle this like men. All right, thats our ray of sunshine. Lets catch up on todays headlines. First up in headlines, do you remember that story about the senator in North Carolina who dumped his stocks after getting a government briefing that coronavirus was gonna wreck america . Well, now the fbi is getting involved. Reporter the f. B. I. Serving senator richard burr with a search warrant at his washington, d. C. , area home and seizing his cell phone. Federal agents are investigating potential Insider Trading after the republican senator sold stocks that were later hit hard because of the coronavirus pandemic. As the chairman of the Senate Intelligence committee, burr received daily coronavirus briefings before the markets plummeted. He sold a significant percentage of his stock portfolio during that time, up to 1. 6 million. Burrs brotherinlaw also sold stocks on the same day. Burr denied discussing the sale with him. Trevor thats right, like a suspicious spouse, the f. B. I. Has decided they want to look through this senators phone. Im not going to lie. It would be so scary for the f. B. I. To take your phone. Even if you didnt do anything illegal, just them going through your Search History is going to be so embarrassing. Oh, my god this guy googled is megan the stallion a horse . this guy is too dumb to have committed the crime. And to me, maybe the worst part about this scandal is that senator burr was telling everyone, telling everyone in america, that things were going to be okay while he and his family were quietly saving their own asses. It would be like if noah built the ark but didnt tell anyone why he was doing it. noah this thing . Its just a fun side project im creating. I will probably sell it on etsy or something. Is something bad about to happen . noah no, no, definitely not. By the way, do you have two. Albino tigers . In other news, all over the world, people are starting to push back against government lockdown orders, because for many people, not working and not having kids in school far outweighs the risk of coronavirus. Well, yesterday in wisconsin, the state Supreme Court gave the antilockdown movement a major win. Reporter and we begin with breaking news overnight. A major decision on stayathome orders. This could reverberate nationwide. Now, the wisconsin Supreme Court overturning the states mandate to stay home as unenforceable under state law. This is a victory for people across the country opposing directives aimed at slowing the spread of the coronavirus. It didnt take long for bars to reopen in wisconsin after the ruling, no masks in sight. Trevor yes, wisconsins Supreme Court struck down the governors lockdown. And the very first thing people did was celebrate by packing into tiny bars with no masks on. And they werent the only ones celebrating. In fact, i think weve got footage from coronavirus headquarters when these people all went out to the bars. Now, look, i do sympathize with people in wisconsin. I mean, even in normal times, they only get to be outside, like, two months a year. I mean, their weather is a natural lockdown. But heres the thing that gets me. I understand people who feel like getting kids in school and getting people back to work and reopening doctors offices is worth the risk of coronavirus. Right, i get it. I understand where youre coming from. But if the first thing you do when youre not locked down is pack yourself into bars and spray into each others faces, something tells me you give zero bleep . At least be honest and say this was less about balancing the risks and benefits and more about being able to do whatever you want. Right now what the people in wisconsin have done is basically someone saying youre dying of thirst, then, when they bring you water, you throw a wet tshirt contest. Will sports return but to empty stadiums . Will summer camps take place online . Will hugging be replaced by gently poking one another with a long pole. Here in new york, theres an idea for how we can ride the subway without crowds. People taking the subway or a bus to work may soon have to take reservations. Reporter subway systems in new york city are considering bus and subwayride reservations as a way to enforce social distancing. The m. T. A. Chairman and c. E. O. Suggested that riders in the future could be asked to reserve a space ahead of time in order to reduce density in otherwise very crowded trains. Trevor okay, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Making reservations for the new york subway . Who thought of this . Two weeks ago, they started cleaning their cars for the first time ever, and now they think theyre a michelinstar restaurant. Youre not tricking anyone, new york subway. Youre not a fancy bistro. Youre a moving ratfight club that people take to work also, the subway is never on time. So, i mean, you can make a reservation for 7 00, but best believe the train is coming at 9 30. And then, good luck explaining to the 9 30 people that this isnt their train. That the 9 30 trains coming at 11 00. But i am looking forward to calling them to make my reservation. Thats going to be a fun conversation. Hi, m. T. A. I would like to make a reservation for the subway, please, 7 00 p. M. . I was hoping to be nonetheless nonmasturbation section . Oh, the entire train is a masturbation section . I see. Well, in that case, i can sit to whoever finishes fastest. Thank you, goodbye. All right, thats it for the headlines. After the break, well fill you in on the explosive, damning scandal that President Trump might have completely made up, might have completely made up, but maybe not. [son] mom yeah. [son] i fell. Okay theres bandages in the cabinet. [son] im bleeding. Grab two. Sheba. What cats want. Been there, done that. Twice your cousin. From boston. Karen, im just gonna say what everyone here is thinking. You look smokin. Total smokeshow. And they never did find his finger. They had to close the pool for like an hour. I brought a date. Names sam. Dig in. Love is like boston lager. Rich, complex and its over too soon. Right, chrissy . Oh my god. Their delicious new cookie with hersheys milk chocolate. So just imagine allll this. But with chunks of allll that. Can we get a visual . New chips ahoy cookies made with hersheys milk chocolate. The daily social distance show. For months now, everyone has been asking, when will thing get back to normal . When can we stop worrying about coronavirus and return to our regular lives . You know, like, staying home watching netflix for 12 hours because we want to, not because we have to. Well, President Trump hasnt been great at doing the things people need to do to make that happen expanding tests, containing infections, reading beyond a fifthgrade level. But there is part of getting back to normal that trump is an thats conspiracy theories. Do you remember when every news cycle was about some farout Conspiracy Theory that trump had dreamed up about all his enemies . You missed that, right . It was exciting. It was fun. And other than democracy itself, no one got hurt. Well, good news, those happy days are here again with a brandnew conspiracy that trump and fox news are calling obamagate. And, again, buckle up. Wow, huge massive developments in the biggest abuseofpower Corruption Scandal in american history. My god, this is extraordinary. We will continue to peel back the onion on this incredible story yes, the biggest political scandal of our time. It looks like the obamagate scandal is about to get a lot bigger. The release this week of longhidden transcripts fully exposed the lefts attempt at a coup detat, albeit bloodless, but a coup nonetheless. What did Barack Hussein obama know, and when did he know it . Trevor oh, snap, Barack Hussein obama. Thats how you know youre in trouble, when fox is calling you by your full government name Barack Hussein jihad Nairobi Kenya obama, get your butt down here right now now, as you can tell, fox news hasnt been this excited since the last time Colin Kaepernick bent down to tie his shoe. But heres the basic idea of what this is about theyre claiming that when obama was president , he illegally used the power of the Justice Department to spy on his political enemy, donald trump. And if youre thinking, wait, didnt we already do this a year ago and they called it name spygate . Yeah, we did. If we can have five spidermans and 30 batmans, then why cant trump bring back his favorite conspiracies, too . But, basically, right after the election, the Intelligence Community discovered that Michael Flynn trumps 2016 National Security advisor and guy most likely to punch a Little League umpire was having secret conversations with foreign powers. And now you might be wondering why those shady conversations happened in the first place. Thats not important. Keep up. The important part is that they investigated it, and thats what has everyone so excited right now. Because there are new documents that shed light on what happened during that investigation. Declassified documents identifying more than a dozen Obama Administration officials involved in the unmasking of Michael Flynn reporter unmasking is when a senior Government Official requests to know the identity of a u. S. Citizen in an intelligence report. Its something that happens thousands of times a year. Reporter these documents dont show any political motivations. It doesnt show us that anybody who shouldnt have had access to this information is getting access to it. Trevor oh did you catch that . Basically, what the Obama Administration did was a standard government procedure that happens thousands of times a year. This is the equivalent of freaking out whenever a tv show goes to commercial. Noooo where did alex trebek go . What did you do to them, progressive insurance lady . What did you do . But that isnt stopping donald trump from proposing his favorite solution to any problem lock. Them. Up. We have breaking news today. The names of the people who unmasked general flynn have been publicized joe biden, john brennan, jim comey. Your reaction . This was all obama. This was all biden. These people were corrupt. It was the greatest political crime in the history of our country. If i were a democrat instead of a republican, i think everybody would have been in jail a long time ago. And im talking with 50year sentences. It is a disgrace whose happened. This is the greatest political scam, hoax, in the history of our country. People should be going to jail for this stuff and, hopefully, a lot of people are going to have to pay. Trevor yes, obama and biden have to pay or, at the very least, they should pull a trump and pretend theyre going to pay, and then never come up with the money. Andun, you gotta admit trump loves sending people to jail. I bet even the jail i monopoly was trumps idea. game designer mr. Trump, youre a property guy. Wed love your input for our new board game. trump jail. You gotta add a jail. game designer umm, sir, this is just a game for children about buying and selling property. trump trust me, jail where else will the winners send all the losers . game designer to be fair theyre saying that flynn didnt do anything wrong but claim comey and the f. B. I. Wanted to use him to get to trump. The full conspiracy is actually pretty complicated. Its too much for my little brain, but luckily for us, our own desi lydic watched fox news nonstop so she could help break this whole obamagate scandal down for us. Obamagate, its the big news scandal on the right. But what actually is the scandal . Ive been Binge Watching fox news for 48 hours straight, and im ready to foxsplain obamagate. Okay, it starts with president Barack HusseinBaskin Robbins obama. Comey, clapper, a. O. C. , rodman. You Better Believe the geek squad it enveloped. They satisfy spyon Donald Trumps cell phone. T, mobile. What does t. Stand for. Greta tune berg. Why are we even targeting flynn . Because he did a little work in turkey . Get guesswhat, millions of americans every year do a little work in turkey. Its called thanksgiving. But there are still some mysteries that we deserve answers to. This was Barack Obamas white house. What was joe biden doing there . How is it possible that the former president and the former Vice President were working together . Thats illegal. Wiretap, fisa court, m. L. B. Home run derby. You want a real quid pro quo . Check out obamas 2016 christmas part. Its past time for donald trump to drain the swamp, folks and everyone is in on it the f. B. I. , the c. I. A. , the xml, put it all together and what do you get . I would spell it out for you, but fauci is probably listening. Freerange birth control. Spooky vampire mask. What about megaman q. . The storm is coming . Why is it called earth if its mostly water hope you can read arabic, pal. If you still dont get it, listen to the president himself. What crime are you accusing president obama of commit. Obamagate. Thats it. Its obvious. You already know obamagate is obamagate. So there you have it. Thats obamagate explained. Bye air force one is a hologram. Trevor thank you so much for that, desi. Now im even more confused. When we come back, ill be talking to the president of the Oklahoma Farmers Union about whats happening to americas food. Sunday dinner has always been special. These days, its just nice to have something to look forward to. Well, break out the good plates and tell the kids to wash up, because its sunday dinner, even if it isnt necessarily sunday. Awwww yeah. Thats the stuff. No really. Those are the actual ingredients. Funky rock track tostitos. [crunch] get to the good stuff. Sa