Trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody thank you so much for tuning in thank you for coming out cheers and applause thank you so much for coming out lets do this, everybody. Im trevor noah. Our guest gs tonight have a new book on the history of racism, Jason Reynolds and ibram x. Kendi are joining us, everybody its going to be a really fun discussion. cheers and applause also on tonights show, you lost half a trillion drawers yesterday, we decide trumps best words and the coronavirus is sharing your uber pool. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the stock market. Its like a casino without the buffets, and for the last 24 hours, its been on a wild ride. Breaking news tonight, market meltdown. As the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nose dive, the dow closing down more than 2,000 points, the markets worst day since the 2008 financial crisis. Wall streets wild ride continued today, the dow surged after President Trump talked about an economic stimulus plan. Stocks rallied in final hour of trading up 1100 points to finish the day at the thousand 018. Trevor crashes, surge, its so extra right now its always so weird the stock market never seems to have a sense of history. Everything thats happening is happening forever and everything good is happening forever. Thats how dogs are. Whatever is happening, its happening forever. Youre leaving the house youre leaving . Youre going forever . Im going to starve im going to die then you come back home, youre never going to leave this is so great wait, youre going again im gonna die just breathe stock market laughter stock market wiped out 528 billion yesterday. I will never understand. Where did it go . laughter what do you mean you lost 528 billion . Every time they say that, im, like, have you checked your other jeans . Thats where most to have the money is. And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days but im making money consistently on the stock market. Ill even share my tip, forget the n investing in companies. I put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down. I make a fortune no matter what. I also dont understand finance, and i normally dont feel sorry for wall street, but with the coronavirus, i feel like theyre going through a lot because the one thing guys on wall street like to do when wall street is crashing is the one thing youre not allowed to do because of corona, put your hands on your face. So they spent all day yesterday, oh, no, my money oh, no, corona oh, no, my money oh, no, corona. Aaahhh cheers and applause all right, but lets move on to some International News because, while corona is shaking up the stock market, Vladimir Putin is shaking up russias constitution. Russian president Vladimir Putin has suggested that he is not against a proposed amendment to the constitution that could keep him in power for many years. Vladimir putin came to parliament and said if the Constitutional Court says yes, then it should be possible for the current president , him, to run again. And that means he could run for two more terms in office, thats 12 more years of Vladimir Putin, he could be in power until 2036. Trevor yes, Vladimir Putin is trying to change the constitution so that he can stay in power long after hes supposed to leave. And that is bad but at least now america can see that theres nothing personal because russia even meddles in its own elections. Thats big news. President putin is 67 years old. If he gets the additional terms, hell only leave office when hes 83 years old, which is just young enough to run for president in america laughter i do feel bad for the russian people who care about democracy, though, especially president putins supporters. What do they chant at his rallies . You dont even know. Four more years hes like, just four . Eight more years just eight . You tell us you tell us laughter whats interesting about this story, as well, is that president putin is a dictator but its interesting how he still goes through the russian legislator and the courts to try to change it. Its a reminder that constitutions are only as valuable as the people who safeguard them. All right . I mean, that would only apply if america ever got a president with a bunch of lackeys in congress to let him fill the court with whoever he wanted, then america would be in big trouble, but that could never happen, thats not real, right . laughter news out of africa. Climate change has been affected the globe. Some people in the motherland are experiencing it more than most. It is a locust invasion of Epic Proportions swarming east africa right now. The United Nations say these insects could decimate the regions food supply and its concerned it could become a full blown playing. Three months, swarms of locust have been eating through east africa. People bang utensils to ward off an increasing menace to their livelihoods. To no avail. The locust eat their own equivalent of their own body weight in a single day. Beans, maze, for these. Nothing stands a chance. Corona, locust . Hope were not see a reboot of the Old Testament because as firstburn sons we will have to worry. Trump will be, like, can we do second born this time . Go with jeez, eric. Hes a nice man. Go with him applause this is one of the things thats sad about Climate Change, although its affecting everyone, the effects are felt in different ways in developing nations. In a firstworld country a lot of Climate Change is abstract did you hear aspen may not have the best snow this year . In africa, its i cant hear you over the locust its a lot harder to deny Climate Change when locust are eating your food. Thats one thing America Needs to do to get on board, have locust take the tables at olive garden, then you will see Congress Take action i couldnt get anything locust can decimate a field of crops, then fly 100 miles to eat another crop. Food in africa isnt modified. If locust will do that with american food, they will do it in one place then be, like, aaahhh i need to slipe, i cant fly anymore. Lets move on to the top story. cheers and applause the coronavirus, its like impeachment but more humanity. laughter today was yet another day full of major developments in efforts to stop this global plague. Lets catch up on the latest in our ongoing segment, is this how we die . cheers and applause as scientists fight every day to learn more and more about coronavirus, governments around the world are doing their best to contain the crisis. In israel, anyone entering the country has to go into a 14day quarantine. In india, theyre sending coronavirus alerts to all 1 billion cell phones. And in washington, d. C. , President Trump has said, in order to prevent the spread of the disease, hell stop shaking hands and go back to grabbing people by the pussy. audience reacts while governments are doing what they can as individuals, we are told we can change our behavior to help stop the spread of the coronavirus. Wash your hands for 20 seconds, cough into your elbow and do not look into a mirror and say coronavirus three times. Thats how it comes out. laughter now the latest instruction is for everyone to get some space. Weve got to embrace the term social distancing from the centers for disease control, talking about leaving space in large event areas. That means avoiding Group Gatherings plus crowded subways and buses. Social distancing in action. Social distancing. Social distancing. The new coronavirus buzz phrase. Trevor yes the buzz phrase of the moment is social distancing, also known as dont breathe on me, bitch laugh and this looks like it could be a pretty big change for our society, although its also the perfect excuse if you have been wanting to breakup with someone. Hey, baby, you know i love you but the world health organization, they say we need some space. laughter actually, social distancing was a thing when i was in middle school. It would have made all the times i ate in the bathroom seem so much more responsible. Im not a loser im social distancing 1k4r78 laughter all it means is keeping people from conjugating together in one place. Sort of like the opposite of what you guys are doing right now. Yeah. applause you know. Yeah live a little its why you have been hearing about all kinds of events being canceled lately coachella, south by southwest canceled. Bernie and biden canceled rallies tonight, which didnt hurt Bernie Sanders at all. His voice is so loud, whether at the rally or not, you will hear his message. Hes out there, we need medicare for i bet aliens in space now support medicare for all. This earth ling makes a good point. Medicare should cover our anal probes. Were paying too much. laughter and now people are taking social distancing so seriously even schools all over america are kick kids out. Schools from coast to coast are closing this morning to clean the classrooms. Ohio State University became the latest college to cancel latest in person classes. Harvard among colleges and universities telling students dont come back from spring break. Parents at these molds are not playing around. Dont nobody want their child to be sick and dont nobody want to take their virus to their house. Some wipe them down and some spray them with disinfectant spray as they took them home on monday. Trevor yo laughter parents at this school are really serious. Like the mom is fighting with the virus, this dad is not taking chances. Did you see how much spray he used . His kid is never getting corona, or app date to the prom. laughter and that spraying technique will only work if you have one or two kids. But if youre like those religious families on tlc, you have to invest in a crop duster. laughter more and more companies are telling their employees to work from home. The only issue is much of the American Workforce cant afford to take that add violence. As unease grows about job security, many workers are wondering if they get paid if forced to stay home because of coronavirus. U. S. Federal law currently does not guarantee sick leave. Less than 60 of bluecollar workers get paid time off cab drivers, cashiers, servers. I work for uber, lyft, grub hub, door dash, postmate, we dont have the luxury to stay home if we are sick, not just from coronavirus, from any kind of infected disease is that does that guy work for every app on our phone . laughter you hear his list . So, what, you get an uber home, hes driving. You order dinner on grub hub, he shows up with food. You open up tinder for action, me again the calculator, whats 250 divided by 50 let me think laughter social distancing is not much of an option for americas paid workforce because without paid leave many people have to work despite the danger, which is insane if you think about it. Imagine if godzilla was attacking a city but delivery people still have to keep doing their jobs aaahhh godzilla godzilla heres your pati. Some soup spilled. Aaahhh laughter everyone from schools, businesses, festivals, political rallies, everyone is doing their part to keep their social distance, but turns out one to have the groups most at risk just dgaf. The c. D. C. Remains people over 60 practice social distancing. There are few signs seniors are listening. At this softball game at the villages outside older o most players where in their 60s, 70s, 80s. The only thing they have been told the cut back on the postgame highfives. Rick sanford isnt keen on any suggestion he change his lifestyle. Ill be frank and say i think its bogus and i think its something each individual has to decide upon their own. Trevor what . Thats insane. You dont just get to decide what you think about a disease. No ones in the doctors office, doc, be honest, is it it bad . And the toke says, its up to you, yeah. laughter funny how all of us are working on social distancing to protect old people who at most risk, but old people are living their best life. Good luck distancing yourself from these hips, these hips these hips these hips aaahhh laughter and you know, folks, thats the problem with this generation weve sacrificed so much for them, and all they care about is their dancing and their goofing around laughter and you know what, grandpa rick . If thats the way you want to play it, then well have no option but to get that spray dad and hose you geriatric delinquents down well be right back cheers and applause imagine yourself in a new toyota. Yeah. Yeah. With great deals, get ready to turn your dreams into reality. Right now, save big with an incredible deal on the toyota of your dreams. Offers end march 31st. To learn more about all our great deals, visit toyota. Com. Ready, set, go get your toyota today. Toyota. Lets go places. No. Uh uh, no way. Come on. No. No. N. Ni ni, no no only discover has no annual fee on any card. Get em while theyre hot. Applebees 25 cent boneless wings are back in your choice of three sauces. Applebees 25 cent boneless wings musi ladies and gentlemen shadow featuring de la soul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet just a blur when they jumped the median. The corner of my eye. There was nothing i could do. daughter daddy dad vo shes safe because of our first outback. And our new ones even safer. avo welcome to the allnew subaru outback. An iihs top safety pick plus. The highest level of safety you can earn. cheers and applause trevor we can back to the daily show. Its officially march, which means its time to fill out your bracket for the big ncaa tournament. But what if you dont like watching basketball . Hmm . Maybe you think it hurts the ball every time they bounce it on the floor. laughter yes, youre a weird o but, still, we have just the tournament for you. Id like to introduce the daily shows trumps best word bracket. laughter applause you see, President Trump has the best words, and how do we know this . Because he told us. I know words, i have the best words. I went to an ivy league college, i know a lot of words. I have, like, this incredible vocabulary. I guarantee i have a vocabulary better than all of them. Believe it or not, i watch my words very carefully. There are those who think im a very stable genius. laughter trevor there you go. Trump may be bad at disease control, immigration, domestic policy and literally everything else, but when it comes to words, he truly is the best. So, for march, just for march, were hosting a tournament to pick his best, best word, because, let me tell you, hes got a lot of them. In 1870, president grant. President roosevelt. He was awarded the bronze star and the combat infantman badge. Heart and deliver transplants. I hope they look at the oranges of the investigations. The beginnings. Expectations in the house for the mid towm and medical marijuanand midterm year. Tret you guys but ive never heard better words. That clip makes me proud to live in the united staysh. A lot of what happened they have the haters go, oh, does trump have dentures, mouth dry, did russia attack his tongue . No, trump just came up with a better word for the country and he used it, because our president has the best words and thank god he does. With so much uncertainty in the world, the volatility of the slock rocket, all the negative sliement staticks, and for so Many Americans waiting on organ trancepants, its good to know the president is like the rest of us who come from humble oranges. I can play clips of him all day saying trumpy words but im not going to. All right i am. We are declaring the full state to be stankchuarw. A lot of work has been done, a lot of renoversh. Look heriolynn alone if you look at the heroin epidemic. As hurricane ermer approaches. In april of 2014 working to improve this country and the government. laughter trevor trump is so great at words he doesnt even need to open his mouth to say them. And by the way, i want to take a second to congratulate our Graphics Department for fitting that word on the screen. Yeah. Really powerful. Well done guys. Three of our designers died in the attempt but it was worth it. And of course who can forget the devastation of hurricane ermer. So many herms were destroyed. Sorry guys i didnt mean to be a bermer. laughter so what is trumps best word . Therefore 64 for you to choose from and weve put them together in a bracket. All you can do is pick the best noun, adjective or whatever you like. Just go to dailyshowbracket. Com and you can watch every video and the clips of every word and you let us know what you think is best. Round one is open. Start picking because donald trump has done many great things but the words he gives us will live on as his most important. 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