Im gonna need you to put down your shovel. Sure, its morbid, but its also inspiring. My parents are still alive. [audience groans] but they could go any day now. [audience cheers] so i bought them adjoining plots at a cemetery. Now i have another reason to get excited for their passing because ive incorporated two of my favorite things massages and cinnabons. [somber piano music] miss you guys every day. How you doing today, daniel . Great. Thanks for asking, pete. [grunts] [moans] thats good, pete. Sorry, mom. Im sure youre rolling over in your grave because i got a hot dude rubbing my knots. [bell dings] thats it . Nope. That just means a fresh batch of cinnabons is ready. Ooh. [sultry music] [sniffs] thanks for the happy ending, dad. Oh, youll have to flip over for that. Pete. Are you ready . Good night. [applause] Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause . Trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody, im trevor noah. Thank you so much for tuning in. And thank you for coming out, thank you so much. Wow. So amazing. Our guest tonight,ure guest tonight is an awardwinning author and truly a fantastic writer whose new book is you will kad red at the bone, it is going to be a wonderful conversation. Jacqueline woodson is going to be joining us, everybody. For conversation, you want to stay tuned for that. Also on tonights show, alligators could be joining the Border Patrol, Vladimir Putin exposes a secret and donald trump is getting impeached. cheers and applause thank you, thank you, yes, thank you, i have, yeah, i have thank you, so lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the story that has been blowing upjohn line today, it involves a zoo, a fence and a woman who has seen the lion king way too many times. From the category of lucky to be alive, take a look at this video of a woman who crossed the safety barrier at the bronx zoo here in no and had a close encount we are a lion. The animal kept to itself but the zoo said the womans action was unlawful and could have resulted in serious injury or death. You have to wonder what the lion is thinking here. Trevor oh, i know what the lion is thinking. Hes thinking what the [bleep] are you doing, lady . There is a lion in here. Can you not see it. Fuelly actually feel bad for that lion because look how confused he is. Hes got that look like when are you not sure if you just walked into the wrong bathroom, like aahh, actually you know what i think the lion was really thinking, he is saying what are you doing, you are blaj you dont need extra danger in your life, lady. What are you doing . And what you are doing right now technically cultural appropriation, this crazy shit is for white people, you shouldnt be here. Yo shouldnt be here. Get out. applause all right, moving on to some international news. Vladimir putin, russian president and man who thinks the notebook was a comedy. He hasion but yesterday he was asked if he is going to med el in 2020. Meddle in 2020 and his answer was refreshingly honest. Is russia as Robert Miller alleged attempting to influence the 2020 elections in the United States . I will tell you in a second, yes, we will disefl intervene, st a secret, so that everybody can laugh and so we go big but dont tell anyone, please. Trevor oh, you got to love that. Classic russian sense of humor, you know, threats. Yeah, just like were sending you to sigh beria, then after you living 40 years in sigh beria we are like that was funny, right, yes, funny. Tully putin is probably the funniest guy in russia, when you think about it. It is easiest to joining around when are you the only person in the country not afraid to be killed by Vladimir Putin. If you go on russian netflix he has all the top standup specials, yeah. An his standup is great though, he is just like women die from poisoning like this. But men die from poisoning like this. White people drive car like this. But black people do not live in russia. All right, and finally lets move on to tesla. It is the car for people who want to save the environment but still want people to think theyre assholes will every new tesla is a technological wonder, there are still a few bugs in the system. Tesla smart comoms sownl allow promises to aw lawyer yr car to driver to you from 200 feet away, with no one behind the wheel as long as the car is in sight. For tesla the ride for the future may have just hit a pothole. This morning videos of the car companys autonomous feature. Whoa, whoa. Failing and fueling online criticism. Jeez, what is the deal. With mot orists shocked by near misses, costly clips, and potentially dangerous crashes. With start eled pedestrians chasing after empty vehicles. Its okay. Teslas latest Cutting Edge Software is driving concern into high gear again. Trevor oh man, love that car is driving itself, hold on. laughter this is, this is really a problem. I mean i thought uber drivers were bad at picking me out. Now you have to call up your own car like hey, its me, its me, im at the corner, no just south of the peep you just mowed down at the sidewalk. No, go straight, no that say daycare center, keep going. Like here is the thing, cars are not smart enough to give them this feature. And people are definitely not smart enough to have this feature. Because think about it, people already drive drunk. Now what if you are drunk inside of like a casino and you accidentally summon your car, that shit is not going to end well. Honestly i think we should stop giving cars features you dont need. St cool a car can drive itself but you dont need it drive itself am the parking lot. Useless is when they put speakers in the trunk of a car, why do i need my goes ree bags to hear add el, i dont, i dont need my ice cream getting that emotional, all right. Leave it normal. That is it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. If you have ever watched President Trump and if you have watched him lately, its clear the impeachment battle has been getting to him. For one, hes tweeted 276 times since pelosi announced the impeachment inquiry last week. And hes been in such a bad mood that even watching fox news hasnt cheered him is up. He is like yes, i am the best leader, judge judy but why does everyone hate me. Well, today trumps rage moved from tweeter feed to real life while during a press conference with the leader of finland he did not react well to the barrage of impeachment questions. Your son walked out with millions of dollars. The kid knows nothing. You know it, and so do we, go ahead, ask the question. The question was what did you want president zelensky to do about Vice President biden and his son hunter . Are you talking to me . Yeah, it was just a followup of what you just asked with you listen, are you ready. We have the president of finlander, ask him a question. I have one for him. I just wanted to follow up on the one that i asked her. Did you hear me, did you hear me. Yes, sir. Ask him a question, im given youa long answer. Ask this gentleman a question, dont be rude. No, sir, i dont want to be rude. I just wanted you to have a chance to ask answer the question. Ask the president of finlander a question. Trevor wow. Trump was really pissed off. One minute he was a president , the next second he turn ited into a spray tanned samuel jackson. Sct president of finland a question, i double dare you [bleep], ask him a question ask him a question applause you know what, you know what would have been amazing . Is if the finish in president got a president but true tump under the bus and be like actually, i would be interested to hear your answer on the joe bied everyone. You screwed me again finish in guy. Dont get me wrong i dont want you to think trump didnt want to answer questions at this press conference. No, he only wanted to answer the questions that he liked. Okay, what is your secretary question. You shouldnt be asking two questions. Well, you are going to want to answer. Do me a favor, ask one of the. I think you want to answer this. John, ask one the finish president. Then can i come back to you because i think you will want to answer it. Well talk later. It sounds like it might be a good question. Let me see if i like the question, go ahead. Maybe for the first time in thee years i will have a good question and i will love it. There say report that came out just before you and president walked out here that the whistleblower met with a staff member of adam schiff. I love that question. Prior to the complaint being filed. It shows schiff is a fraud. It love that question. Thank you, john. Trevor thank you, john. That has to be one of the quickest emotional uturns have i ever seen. One minute he wanted nothing to do with that question, the next it was his favorite question in the entire world. Like trump treated that journalist the way people treat waiters who keep offering the same hors doeuvres over and over again. I told youant dont want the god dasm crab cake, o sr that with the deviled egg, oh, yeah, yeah, thank you, john. So the past few weeks clearly havent been trumps favorite. Impeachment is consuming his life. His poll numbers are dipping again and on top of all of that, a failing New York Times has reported this. Breaking news tonight, exclusive report in the New York Times documenting the length to which sources say President Trump was prepared to go to stop migrants crossing the southern border. He wanted the wall electrified with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh within. The New York Times reports the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall with a waterfilled trench stocked with snakes or all gate ares. Alligators. Trevor thats right, the New York Times is reported that President Trump wanted to build a moat along the border wall which would be filled with snakes and alligators. Which i know sounds crazy but to be fair, it has been very effective at keeping him out of melanias bedroom. That is probably where he got the idea, it is either that or because his toppism graition advisor is an actual reptile. Trevor. Great idea, mr. President , my cousin could use the work. applause according to the report, according to the report, trump wasnt just coming up with wall upgrades to his wall, he was also lashing out at his aides when he felt they werent making progress on securing the border. In late march President Trump publicly threatened to close the u. S. Mexico border. But according to the times reporters, in a march meeting the president s advertisers tried to turn him away from such a drastic move. He responded, you are making me look like an idiot. And shouted, i ran on this. It is my issue. The president reportedly berating Homeland Security stek Kirsten Nielsen saying lou dobbs hates you, ann coulter hates you. Youre making me look bad. Trevor wow, that is so sad. Imagine caring that much about what lou dons and ann coulter think of you. That is one step away from being like, you better not embarrass me in front of the muse inex booger, i swear to god, ask him a question. Now the part of the times report that is really blowing up is that trump apparently suggested shooting migrants in the leg to slow them down as they were trying to trying to cross the border, which is not just crazy idea, it is illegal. And apparently trump had a lot of illegal ideas. My favorite was when he told a room of Border Patrol agents to just turn away every Asylum Seeker who showed up at the border. And then get this, as soon as trump left the room, the head of Border Patrol told everyone else to ignore the president. Yeah. That is wild. Like uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. You realize the only organization where the top guy gets ignored luke that is mcdonaldss, right . Yeah, no, because ronald is always like remember, our top priority is pawking people smile, and then he leaves and the manager is like forget that shut, were here to move beervetion you here me. Go kick the soft serve machine and make sure it still doesnt work. Now some of you might be hearing these reports and thinking oh, im sure the president didnt really mean all of this stuff, maybe he was just joking about the ago gators and snakes but it doesnt seem like that. Like the moat filled with snakes an alligators, apparently it was real enough that his aides actually went out to seek a cost stivment estimate, yeah, they actually got a quote for the moat. Which also sounds like the name of the most xenophobic dr. Seuss book ever. You can just imagine being the trump aides that has to call around to figure out how much it would cost to fill a border moat with snakes and alligators. Well, luckily you dont have to imagine because here at the daily show we have the exclusive audio of that call. Thanks for calling pet koa, how can i help you. Yeah, can i get a quote for how much it would cost for 2,000 miles of snakes. We dont really sell snakes by the mile. Okay. How about alligators . I need a southern border amount of alligators. Alligators hate mexicans. What do your alligators think about mexicans. We definitely dont sell alligators we have birds, fish, gerbils, stuff like that. All right, fine, give us 2,000 miles of gerbils. Gerbils who hate mexicans. Trevor breaking news, well be right back. Well be right back. applause do it big. Bigger. Hit it because there are those who dont, and those who do. Lets do. Oh, pete . cmon man. What . We said pantyhose right . Here, eat this. Creamy snickers. You could use a little smoothness. Pete . Pete zagarene . Get smooth with the freshground nut butters in creamy snickers. This is an ad for a chip we dont need a logo. Its the threesided crunch. You know, that cheesy, spicy, crispycrunchy, flavor packed bodega snack that rhymes with. I need those. An ad with no logo . Its another level. But, boy, are you gonna want it. Introducing the new stuffed cheezit pizza from pizza hut. Youre welcome. applause . Trevor welcome back to the daily show. Amateur reveurers are the backbone of americas consumer culture and for eating out the go to site is yelp. But how exactly do yelp reviews work and is it completely unbiased, desi lyduc file this report. Yelp, the most Popular Crowd source refew forum online and vital am chsing which waxes place can we trution everything we read on yelp. One extremely Italian Restaurant owner finds yelps Business Practices so defious he is protesting. How are you . Muah, muah, muah, muah. My name is sheff, i am chef owner. And i give 50 off a pizza if you give me a one star on yelp. Why would you want a one star review, sorry let me ask you in terms you can understand, what what thea matter a you. If you want to have iraitying on yelp you need to pay for advertise, and on this site you dont pay advertise. So what they do, they manipulate the ratings in order for you to give up and pay for advertising. According to davidia when he refused to to pay yelp to advertise, noticed dozens of pfeiffer star reviews disappearing from his yelp page within to moo me that is extortion, im italian am we invent extortion. Well, yeah, i mean are you not just italian, are you like cartoonishly italian. I agree with you. How exactly did yelp try to extort you, walk me through. Yes, absolutely. You open your business. A couple of weeks you have your business placed in the forum, you start to observe the view, that is three or four weeks you start to receive a phone call. They call you every sing will day, they are pushy. They dont give up, they keep calling you. We were answering the phone looking at the number and we were just telling them to go [bleep] themselves immediately. That is what i tell my motherinlaw. Up there a couple of days you start to seat results of this. So immediately your rating changes. Show this good reviews, are gone. Davida claim that yelp extorts businesses was a serious allegation. And he is not the only one with a yelp grieveance. In fact yelp gets accused of extortion so much that they have an entire paj on their website dedicated to explaining how they dont extort businesses. So i went to yelps headquarters to meet with their spokesperson. But not just any spokesperson. My name is ben, i am currently yelp San Francisco manager. And . And i did some television, a numberofyears ago. On. It was on the bachelor, i was the batch will. Foe get about yelp extorting people. I had sto ask season 16 bachelor what really went down on that horseback ride with lindsey or the time he totally. I would prefer that we probably keep this, this conversation about yelp today, if that is cool with you. Yeah, no, yeah, absolutely, no, i i am 100 a professional and here to talk to you about yelp. I would never want to talk about, go, go, go, go, get out of here, go, clean these up, i didnt arrange that. No, no, it is fine. What would you say to someone who says that yelp extorts businesses. I would say that is simply not true. Great. Im also not in sales. I dont, i run the Community Side of things here. Yelp makes its money primarily through advertising. You dont have to advertise, reviews are shown just the same whether you ri paid advertiser or not. So businesses can control the order in reviews that come up, descriptions. Reviews are a bit different. We have this algorithm, it is called recommendation software. And unfortunately the Business Owners get frustrated with the algorithm, along side that you have sale reps that are calling them and they think that the t are corelated but they are absolutely not. We dont extort businesses. Bull shit. You are going to work, you are going to be harassed from these people. Its black mailing, its racket, bring the money in to the family. And thats the yelp mafia. Does it cause you pain being so italian and seeing your noble tradition of mafia culture be portrayed by these Silicon Valley douchebags. It is, it is insulting. The Italian Community got really mad, not because of the ecialtion torgs but the way it is being done. Little stupid guy call me from the Silicon Valley, that is hum il yaiting for at least do it the right way, send a