Throwing people out, making a big entrance, having these stupid pictures of me all over. Halloween is supposed to be for everyone. Everybody, im sorry. This party is for you. Its for all of you who make my life so special. If i dont realize that, then im no better than a rich American Teenage girl. Open the doors let everyone in, wristband or no [cheering] all right uh, excuse me, but, maam, can i borrow that . Biggie smalls, biggie smalls, biggie smalls. What the. Thanks. I am so sick of this wait, im at the party. Sure, homie. I got your back, yo. And its not too late. Hey, why dont you come in with me . Well, what the heck . Im gonna get grounded anyway, might as well. [dance music playing] Comedy Central announcer september 18, 2019. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show with trevor noah everybody, im trevor noah. And you guys are the daily show, wow. This is amazing. Lets do t lets do it, take a seat, lets get into it our guest tonight, the Pulitzer Prizewinning reporter was broke the Harvey Weinstein story jodi kantor and megan teuly are everybody, everybody. Also on tonights show, the nfl is running out of players, america may go if the price is right and scientists are experimenting with black. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with amazon. The biggest retailer has steadily been taking over the world and now they need your help to do it. Tonight one of the countrys biggest employers has put out the help wanted sign. Amazon looking to fill ten of thousands of positions. Todays amazon career day held in six cities arlington, virnlg yarks the future home of amazons hq2 as well as nashville, boston, dallas, seattle and chicago. Amazons goal, hire 30,000 employees by early next year, from 15 an hour warehouse jobs to computer programmers and execs earning 125,000 and up. Wow. Amazons going to hire 30,000 people . You know you are a big company when you can just hire the population of palm springs. Yeah, just walk in like were hiring, all of you, come on, lets go. I will be honestk i dont know if i want to go on a Job Interview with a company that knows everything i have bought on the internet. Yeah, i feel like i would be vulnerable. They will be like where do you see yourself in five years an also why did you buy this maximum strength butt cream, your hemorrhoids feeling bepter . Also amazon isnt just one business, you know they do retail, health care, web hosting, groceries, they have a tv studio. Those interviews must have been chaos. One dude was there like i want to work in the warehouse and the person behind is im auditioning for marvelous mrs. Maisel. Also 30,000 jobs sounds like a lot but its small when you remember how Many Companies they put out of business, right. Sph you think about it, that is the future. Amazon will eventually take over the entire world and eventually we will all work for them, yeah. All of us. Hour our whole lives will be packing items that we will then deliver to ourselves. We will be like here you go, me. Thanks, me. Oh, my butt cream. Speaking of people looking for jobs it looks like quarterback Colin Kaepernick is resubmitting his resume to the nfl. In sports a rash of quarterback injuries in the nfl could set the stage for Colin Kaepernick to make a comeback. He hasnt played since 2016 but his agent has reportedly contract contacted teams searching for a qb saying kaepernick is ready to return. One source says is he in the best shape of his life. Trevor of course colin saiper nick is in the best chaip of his life, he hasnt played football since 2016. Football is the only sport where not playing makes you healthier. Yeah, he will be on the field like ha ha, my brain damage is three years behind you guys. Ha ha ha. But the truth is kaepernick really actually has a chance to play this year, right, because st only week two and get this five teams have already lost their quarterbacks to injury. Yeah. Which is very lucky for Colin Kaepernick and very suspicious. Like im not saying he hurt anybody but maybe while he was taking a knee he also asked good for a favor. He was like hey jesus wont you [bleep] some dudes so i can play, yeah yeah yeah, amen. I think it would be great if kaepernick would come back to play for him and the nfl because he would be great for ratings since everyone would tune in to see if he kneels and he wont be a challenge for the other team because they know how to beat him. Every time he snaps the ball the defense will just sing the National Anthem and he will be forced to neil, forget de fenders other teams will get carrie underwood, sing, sing it now, sing it finally a story out of washington. Everyone knows that the u. S. Secret services job is to keep the president and his family safe. And now they look totally cool doing it. Summer may be ending but the secret service is buying some new sumenter recreational equipment. The agency is buying two kawasaki jet skis to help protect dignitaries including the first family. The secret service says the president and the family are very active in water sports. Recently agents have been paying for watercraft out of their own wallet. Trevor okay. Of all the things i thought i would learn about trump and his family, it definitely wasnt that they are active in water sports. laughter i be like trumps version of being active in water is trying to keep his head dry in the shower, you know. If i get it wet it will die. If i get it wet, it will die but apparently this say real thing. All right, the secret Service Needs to buy jet skis because the trump family spends a lot of time in the water. While that and melania sometimes tries to sail away, they cant let that happen. laughter and by the way, if you are worried about government spending, i just want to point out that the jet skis wouldnt be a problem if you had a black president. Yeah. In fact, when you think about it, with a black president you can take water, snow and camping budgets and you can put it back into schools. All right, thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. cheers and applause the middle east. Its like the new york knicks. Its got major problems and will probably be generations before theyre fixed. And over the weekend tensions flaired up once again in the region when saudi arabias Oil Facilities were attacked by missiles. And the u. S. And saudi arabia are pointing the finger at iran which means shit go down. Crisis and uncertainty across the mid east this morning. The u. S. And sawed yee arabia facing a big military decision. U. S. Intelligence indicating cruise missiles that hit saudi arabia were fired from iran. Overnight iran issuing a new warning to the United States even as secretary of state mike pompeo traveled to the region to confront the crisis. Yeah, thats right, mike pompeo secretary of state and satisfied home de pot customer is flying to the middle east to confront the crisis head on. I actually feel bad for secretaries of state because you realize they only get sent to shitty situations. Yeah, it is always them jumping on a 16 hour flight to prevent a war on genocide or pretend to like kim jong un. Be like hey, kim, i love that outfit, who made it, oh, a slave, very nice. And its not even like they have to go to these places in person, right. Like what is pompeo doing in the middle east right now that he cant do on the phone. Is he just on the border of iran like you want a piece of this, iran huh . , you want this iran, oh shit, theyre bringing it, theyre bringing it but despite there being no casualties, this is still a big deal. These facilities are responsible for five percent of the Worlds Oil Production and is probably why donald trump is going through all of his options on how to respond. The pentagon is cautioning against striking iran but has given President Trump a list of possible targets there. You certainly could strike revolutionary guard core sites. Could you hit bases. Other options, a u. S. Cyberattack against iran or targeting iranian ships. On monday military leaders presented a list of possible actions against iran but people briefed on the meeting say that the president asked for more, that he was looking for a more narrow response that would not draw the u. S. Into a broader conflict with iran. Trevor if there is one thing i appreciate about donald trump is that despite raving like a madman on twitter, hes actually quite reluctant when it comes to actual war. Which when you think about it is everyone on twitter, yeah. On land they would be like screw you gronkowski but then if he shows up, it would be what did you say, oh, talking about a different gronkowski. My friend, michael gron scowsky. But trump is always quick to remind americas enemies that just because he doesnt want to fight doesnt mean that america cant fight. Late sunday President Trump said the u. S. Believes it nose the culprit behind this weekends drone attack on saudi arabias Oil Facilities and is locked and loaded. The said the United States is prepared for war. The United States is more prepared than any country in the history of of in any history, if we have to go that way. laughter . Trevor in any history, any history. Is trump talking about parallel universes . No, like what if we think hes crazy but the truth is that his brain can access alternate reality it would explain everything he says is always just slightly off. Maybe in a parallel universe Hurricane Dorian did hit alabama. Yeah, maybe there covfefe is a real word. And president douglas is still alive. It may be that or hes a dumb as ass and well never know. The point is it is still not clear whether america will go to war with iran which is probably confusing for a lot of people because why is protecting saudi arabia americas problem to begin with. Well, apparently it is because saudi arabia and america have forged a deep bond over their shared values by which i mean cold, hard cash. That was an attack on saudi arabia. And there wasnt an attack on us but we would certainly help them. Theyve been a great ally. They spend 400 billion dollars in our country over the last number of years. And theyre not ones that unlike some countries where they want terms. They want terms and continues. D condition conditions, no, saudi arabia pays cash. The saudis are going to have a lot of involvement in this if we decide to do something, they will be very much involved and that includes payment. Trevor okay, so is trump saying america should go to war with saudi arabia because they buy their stuff in cash . That would be the worst motivational speech before war ever. That is like why do we fight . Not for our wives. Not for our children. No, because they pay cash aahhh sometimes ven mow which we also venmo which we also accept. Aahhh. So this is a tu day for america. From being a country that used to fight only for its values to don king over here saying if the price is right, america going to fight. If that is the case you realize those army ads you see on tv you have to change them to be a lot different. Are you a country that wants to go to war but you dont want to use your own weapons. Do you have cash . Well, the American Military is open for business under President Trumps new policy Americas Armed forces are up for rent. We got planes, we got those guns that go ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba. Ba ba ba, ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba. And if you order a deluxe package well even send you the guys that got bin laden. What a deal. If you got the money, americas military will fight whoever i want. France . Sure. Your countrys civil war, hell yes, america itself, see you later my house. Dont spend your blood and treasure on pointless war. Spend ours. Supplies are limited so call today. Trevor Michael Kosta trevor Michael Kosta everybody, well be right bac one, two, three. singing and many more. Google nest hub max well, happy birthday, i miss you. By google nest. Hard work leaves a mark. It shows on your clothes. Theyre branded by sweat, pride, and every stain the job throws at you. For the hardest workers, weve designed the hardest working tide. 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Pills to reverse aging. Plants that taste like real meat, and a watch that can tell time. I dont know how apple did it. And now scientists at mit have made a breakthrough with the color black. And theres no going back. Scientific breakthrough at m. I. T. To tell you about involving the color or noncolor black. Engineers have developed what theyre calling the blackest black on the planet. Theyve cooked up the color using carbon nanotubes. This new black is apparently ten times blacker than anything previously records. Can you see it. No. It is a little hard. Researchers say that this could serve a practical purpose. The blackest black could end up being used inside tel scopes used to spot far away planets. The blackest black on the planet . Why . laughter whos ever been in the dark and thought eh, this could be way darker. laughter and why are there scientists at m. I. T. Who just make colors . That is what kindergarteners do. Are you telling me some engineer is working on a more Efficient Solar Panel and the guy next to him is like yellow and blue makes green laughter and if you ever see this blackest black in the real world, well, turns out bmw is already work on it. Bmw is taking one of its special edition cars and painting it the blackest black on earth. The company says its newest xx model will be unveiled next month with one version of what is called a vanta black finished considered one of the darkest shades of black on earth with the pigments absorbing 99 of light. Trevor yeah, this is a great idea, bmw, what everyone needs, a car that you cant see coming. Yeah. Take the terror out of being run over as a pedestrian because one minute are you walking and then youre not, ah, what happened. It also gives a whole new meaning to uber black, yeah, you will be like where the hell is this guy, are you already in my car, aahhh stars off for sneaky. For more please welcome our Senior Science expert roy wood, jr. , everybody. cheers and applause trevor, i have been following this blackest black story very closely and im not the only one. A couple of store managers have been following it around too. Just to make sure. And i have to be honest, this aint the blackest black. Trevor roy, why would you say that. First off, look at what they named it. If you had a black and you knew it was the blackest of all the blacks, you wouldnt just call it the blackest black, you would give it a cool name, a cool black name like pet ddz rala or roy ef owe other color gets its own name. Ma hog onee isnt called super red, navy isnt called dark ass blue, you wouldnt call emerald greener than a [bleep]. The blackest black, that dont even sound like a real thing. Sound like a slur Jussie Smollett made up. And then they called me the blackest black. And they beat me up and stole my sandwich. Also trevor, how can we know for sure its the blackest. They aint tested it. Did it go to an hbcu . Does it go to church for six hours . Can it make real potatoe salad . You going to call yourself the blackest you got to prove yourself. Trevor roy, roy, i think you are confused, this doesnt have anything to do with culture, this is about applied science, it was just basically an experiment in physics. You saw that car bmw made. Oh yeah. That car was pretty black. That car was so black it is the only car that is prone to diabetes. Which is my point. I dont want a car that has to deal with the same systemic issues as me. That car so black even if it was selfdriving it would get pulled over. laughter excuse me, car, im going to need you to step out of the car. Trevor okay, roy, i feel like are you taking this developmentment a bit personally, man. Im not taking it personally. Im taking it scientifically. These m. I. T. Nerds dont know shit about blackness but if they want to come out with the blackest black, two can play that game. Because i have invented the whitest white in fact, i have got a picture of it right here, you mate want to cover your eyes. This whitest whitest white right here, bam, that slt whitest white. applause . Trevor roy, jr. , everyone, well be right back. Put that down. Down. applause [flicker of lights] [hum of fan] [sound of door opening] im not regular i will not give you regular [click, click, click] [click, click, click] [flicker of lights] im not regular i will not give you regular i can taste my beer i can taste my beer. I can taste his beer. I can taste your beer. I want to taste his beer. Samuel adams sam 76. Finally, a refreshing lager that you can taste. Barb, i can taste my beer. Finally, a refreshing lager that you can taste. Hey. You must be stevens phone. Now you can know whos on your network and control who shouldnt be, only with xfinity xfi. Simple. Easy. Awesome. 60 of women wear the wrong size pad, and can experience leaks. 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