Yeah, hey, man, were glad youre Getting Better too. Heyhey, whats going on . Kyles all better, cartman, thanks to you. Huh . It was all a trick. Your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put ketchup in your bed so youd think we took your kidney. Yes, but it was all just a trick to get you to come in and sign this release. Isnt that funny, sweetie . Ugh, i am so pissed off oh, heres everybody. Hey, mr. Garrison. Where have you been . Boys, i have an announcement to make. Im not gonna be your teacher anymore. Ive become a bestselling author, and, kyle, i want you to have a signed copy as a getwell present. Oh. Thanks . I swear im gonna kill you guys careful, cartman. You might pop your stitches. [both laugh] what the oh, good, you got the crappy kidney. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you all for coming out. Lets do it. Lets do it. Lets mack a show. Our guest tonight is an amazing actor. You probably know him from narcos or brought broadcity. And now he is here with a brand new sketch show, alternatino. Arturo castro is joining us, everybody cheers and applause also on tonights show, a billion dollars worth of cocaine. We celebrate juneteenth, and america prepares for another war in the middle east. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets begin with an update from hong kong where millions of protesters have been marching in the streets, fighting against a proposed law that would allow china to extradite people from hong kong. And now, after weeks of tear gas, riot police and violence, it looks like the protests have paid off. After mass protests this past weekend, hong kong, a major reversal today. Hong kongs leader said she is suspending a bill that would have allowed the extradition of criminal suspects to main land china. She said the decision was aimed at restoring calm after demonstrations and violence. People power has won for the time being in this remarkable test wells between protesters on the streets here in hong kong, and the chinese government. Trevor wow. Congratulations to the people of hong kong. Well done, everybody. So exciting to see. Because it feels like this hardly happens, you know. You never see a protest get immediate results like this. Its like seeing a kid at an arcade actually win a toy from that claw machine. laughter ive never seen it. And i feel bad for those kid because they never get the toy, and when they do, i just come and steel stael it from them. laughter now, heres what made this protest so effective. Up to onethird of hong kongs population came out to make their voices heard. Yeah. And listen to this one of the ways they encouraged people to take to the streets and this is completely real was by shutting down all of the porn sites in hong kong. laughter which is genius. Because i dont care how dedicated are you to a cause, porn can always distract you. laughter yeah, even the most massive protesters is one tab away from total failure. Some will be like, i was excited to fight for equality, but i opened up that tab and suddenly i was tired afterwards. Moving on to domestic news, if you have been wondering why your cocaine dealer hasnt shown up yet, this might explain it. The billiondollar bust in philadelphia, federal agents making one of the biggest cocaine seizures in american history. Hidden on this ship docked tonight in philadelphia, federal agents say, was a huge stask of cocaine in seven shipping containers, just over 17 tons of it with a street value, u. S. Officials say, of over 1 billion. Court documents say crew members have towed investigators the drugs were loded on to the ship from boats while it was under way, then stuffed into containers. Trevor thats right. They seized 1 billion worth of cocaine in philadelphia. And im really happy for philly, but im especially happy for gritty, who, thanks to this bust, has finally gotten clean. Well done, yeah. There he is. Plawz call me by my real name. Its grchard. Can you imagine being the drug dealer who has to tell his boss he lost 1 billion of product. You have ever had one of those days where you thought you had something in your pocket and checked it and was missing . , thats the worst. I bring it up because thats what happened if our cocaine. Some day were going to laugh about this, right . Where are you go . Are you going somewhere to laugh . I dont know about you, but what disturbed me even more about the cocaine itself was it all came in by boat, which means america will need another wall in the sea. Yeah. Because thats the only way to stop both the drugs and the illegal mermaid immigration. Those mermaids are so greedy, folks, they want gadgets and gizmos. Even though they have the whosits and whatsits galore. Thelast nierkts melanias husbad held a rally this florida to officially kick off his 2020 campaign. And usually a Reelection Campaign offers new ideas, now policies to move the country forward, but last nights speech felt like an exact replica of him running in 2016. And when i say exact replica, i mean exact. In fact, when he put his speeches from 2016 with the ones from last night, well, you tell me if you can spot anything new. Make America Great again. Make America Great again. The greatest theme in the history of politics. Maybe the greatest theme of all times. together drain the swamp, and hillary clinton, crooked hillary. Deleted and acid washed. 33,000 emails. 33,000 emails deleted, bleached, acid washed. together people are pouring in, open borders. Destroy our country. Deplorables. Win, win, win. I will never, ever let you down. laughter applause trevor trump 2020 now in stereo. All right uthats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our main story. cheers and applause america and iran, the two countries are like frenemies, just without the fren. I wish there was a word for that. And now, it looks like the tensions are coming to a head. Breaking news tonight, collision course with iran. The u. S. Now blaming iran after two ships come under attack, set on fire, growing fears of a major confrontation in the region. Secretary of state pompeo blaming iran for what he called unprovoked attacks. It is the assessment of the United States government that the Islamic Republic of iran is responsible for the attacks that occurred in the gulf of oman today. The u. S. Will send another 1,000 troops to the middle east, citing hostile behavior by iran. Thats on top of an extra 1,500 announced just weeks ago. The pentagon says they will be used for surveillance and intelligence gathering and to protect u. S. Troops. Trevor okay, im im a little confused. Did they say america is sending troops to the middle east to protect the troops in the middle east . laughter whos going to protect the new troops . laughter are you going to need more troops to protect the troops who are protecting the troops . This doesnt seem look a good idea. Like, remember that movie the bodyguard . That would be like if they made a sequel called, the bodyguards bodyguard. And i will always love you and you but thats right, america is sending thousands of troops back to the middle east, which is a big deal, and not just because you have to pay that ez pass again. No, its also because this could lead to war. So when america says iran is responsible, they better have some solid proof. The u. S. Military released this surveillance footage, which american officials tell nbc news shows iranian sailors removing an unexploded mine from the side of one of the tankers after it was attacked. Fragments of mines, and the magnets used to attach them, made by iran, says the u. S. , to attack oil tankers last week. More proof, say u. S. Officials, of iranian guilt, iranian fingerprints apparently all over an attack that iran denies carrying out. Trevor iranian fingerprints . laughter honestly, i i dont really know what that last part means. How how you can tell that fingerprints are iranian . Was the detective like. sniffs i knew it. Hummus. laughter wait, wait, hummus isnt iranian. I know, but if i said sudsy, you wouldnt have gotten the joke. So the u. S. Claims they have enough evidence to prove the attack was carried out by iran. But because america has a history of crying wolf in the middle east, some of the u. S. Allies say they need a little bit more than hummus fingers to be convinced. U. S. Allies remain split about the allegations against iran, japan expressing skepticism, while Germany Foreign minister stating the video provided by the u. S. Is not sufficient proof. Trevor thats right, japan, whose ship was attacked, by the way, isnt sure it was iran. And germany doesnt want to rush into any decisions. And i get it. Both of those countries have a bad history with war, especially germany. Yeah, they know how they get when theres a war. The chairmen are like, i think weesht all proceed carefully and think about no, germany, you need to get angry. Please, you wouldnt like me when im angry. Last time this happened, i woke up in argentina with a spanish wife. laughter now, after some convincing, germany eventually accepted americas conclusion blaming iran. And because of the whole weapons of mass destruction thing, you cant blame americas allies for being a little cautious when taking americas word for it, all right, because americas done this before. Imagine if your friend told you, oh, my god, you have to get down to this party, rihanna is here. But when you got to the Party Instead of rihanna you just found some middleaged guy named ryan. Youd be like, thats not rihanna. Some guy is just standing in the corner. Yeah, all i do is work, work, work. Thats all i do. If that happened, you wouldnt trust your celebritysighting friends ever again. There is a growing agreement, there is a growing agreement that this looks like an attack conducted by iran, but people are also preaching caution because maybe it was irans government or maybe it was a rogue element within iran or maybe it was someone trying to flame iran, luke a jealous ex. Who knows . So despite mike pompeos hawkishness and john boltons walrusness, most foreign governments arent in a hurry to go to war. But theres another person who also doesnt like the idea of war, and youll never guess who it is. President trump is now playing down the attacks, telling time magazine, so far its been very minor. Well see what happens. They are a much different country today than they were two and a half years ago when i came into office when president obama signed that horrible deal. They were screaming, death to america. I havent been hearing that lately. President trump has said he doesnt want to go to war. Mr. President , are we going to war with iran . I hope not. Trevor i love how the press is waiting outside of his house. Are you going to have a fight with iran . I hope not. But, yes, it turns out, President Trump is not keen on a war with iran, which i am all for. Maybe he thinks this is a bad idea. Or maybe hes just worried the military might try to draft him again. Mr. President , we recommend a war against iran. My bone spurs are back. Despite his trigger finger, trump is not a fan of trump fingers. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people around him trying to change his mind. Theyre in his ear making the case for possible intervention. Secretary of state mike pompeo, National Security adviser john bolton, who are a lot more hawkish, who want to be more aggressive in their stance toward the iranians. Last week pompeo went to congress and delivered a presentation arguing this administration could use the same authorization of force the Bush White House useed init figt against al qaeda after 9 11. Trevor wow. Did did you pick up what they just said there . 18 years later, mike pompeo and his friends are trying to use 9 11 as an excuse to go to war with another country that had nothing to do with 9 11. Thats what they want. Yeah. And, i mean, havent the troops spent enough time in the middle east . Bring them home. They deserve it. Yeah. Just bring them home. cheers and applause they deserve to come home. And we deserve to see more of those adorable dog reunion videos. Yeah. Which, by the way, like, you know theres got to be one dog who just doesnt give a shit, right . Theres got to be one dog where the guy is like, im home. And hes like, heeey. Larry, right . Oh, yeah, i guess you used to live here. All right im going to go look at a bird but thank you for your service, i guess . laughter look, man, heres the thing, im not saying america should never fight wars. Thats who you are. I get it. laughter but do you really think now is the time to start another war . Because it almost feels like america does war the same way people do netflix, you know. Yeah, we start a bunch of things, but we never really commit. People just hang out, oh, my god, you know what i heard could be great. This new war iran. But people are like, oh, but wait, we still need to finish iraq. Yeah, we still need to finish that. And arent we still in the middle of syria . Whatever happened there. I couldnt follow the plot. There were so many bad guys. By the way, who started niger. Is somebody using our account . I just realized we never even finished afghanistan we started, that like 20 years ago. So what are we going to pick . Actually, im tired. Lets just go to bed. laughter all im saying is this, all im saying is this im saying i understand cant not fight a war, but instead of going with a streaming model, maybe america should switch back to the oldschool dvd player, all right. You can start a new war as soon as you finish the ones you already have. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. On one hand, its healthy. But on the other hand, its delicious. Healthy. Delicious. Healthy. Delicious. Heldelhede nonsense healthylicious. ding i like that. Bai. Great flavor and good for you. A taste of both worlds. Hhey a taste of both worlds. Sun care is self care. I used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. But with Olay Regenerist whip spf 25, its so lightweight. I love it. Im busy philipps, and im fearless to face anything. Someone is going to be the first. Someone is going to make waves. Someone is going to blow up the game. Someone is going to reinvent a classic. Someone is going to start from scratch. Someone is going to break barriers. Someone is going to do that thing you really, really want to do. It might as well be you. Still fresh. Unstopables inwash scent booster downy unstopables cheers and applause . Trevor welcome back to the daily show. Today is a really special day in African American history. And to learn more about it, we warn to roy wood jr. In another episode of c. P. Time. Welcome to c. P. Time, the only show thats for the culture. The month of june is a special time in america. Its the start of summer. Its the time allergies wreak havoc on our sinuses, and its the month my hyperactive child is out of school and back in the house all day. The whole point of having kids is for them to be somewhere else. If i knew my son was going to be around this much, i wouldnt have had him. June is also a special month for black people. Because it marks the holiday juneteenth, celebrating when slavery ended on june 19, 1865. Man people think slavery was ended in 1863 by abraham lincoln, but many slaves werent actually freed until two and a half years later, proving that even black peoples freedom runs on c. P. Time. laughter so in celebration of juneteenth, id like to talk about some of the slaves who celebrated their freedom early by escaping from slavery on their own. Slaves, like henry brown, a virginian slave who snuck of a wooden crate and shipped himself to philadelphia where he could lives is a free man. The trip took 27 grueling hours. It could have been same bay, but he couldnt afford amazon prime. Luckily, henry brown arrived safely in philadelphia and turned his story into a stage act. Every night, henry would climb into that same wooden crate to reenact the arduous journey that carried him to freedom, which was brave of him. I dont know if i could relive a traumatic experience like that over and over again. And ive had bad experiences with packages. laughter back in the day, i used to work for a moving company. One time i moved all of a customers possessions to the wrong apartment. My customer thought i was a thief, and the people in the apartment thought i was a reverse burglar. laughter everyone was equally upset. laughter another slave who took his freedom into his own hands was lewis williams. He actually escaped slavery not once but twice. After his first escape he was caught and brought it trial. But he knot a lookalike to switch places with him in the courtroom. And by the time the courts realized what had happened, lewis had escaped again. Although that lookalike was probably just a random black guy if we are being real about. Lewis knew those white information cant tell black people apart. Just the other day i was mistaken for Forest Whitaker which would have been flattering but unfortunately he owed this man a substantial amount of money. He whipped my ass for it. You owe me. But ma maybe the most heartwarmg escape was that of william and ellen craft, two slaves who got married and decided to run away. Because ellen had light skin, they hatched a plan where she dressed in Mens Clothing and posed as an injured white man. William posed as her servant and the two board a train north. Now, being on a train full of white men must have been scary, but i can only assume ellen practiced her white man small tack. Well, yes, fellow white person, i, too, am afraid of the sun. Sun blorks sun block, s. P. F. , u. V. , sun blorks sun block. The next time juneteenth comes remember these stories of heroic slaves which i plan to doae Juneteenth Celebration in broomington, indiana, this evening. Now if qiewl yule excuse me, i have to get there but thank brown. Somebody push me to the post office. I need to get me a couple of snacks and artichoke dip and pretzels and ill be on my way. applause trevor woorks everyone. Well be right back. While america celebrated the fall of prohibition, jim beam didnt raise a single glass. He wanted his first drink to be of his own bourbon. He didnt have much money. But he did have a few friends. People who were raised the right way. Over 120 days, they rebuilt the distillery. And while their names might not be