Daily show im trevor noah our guest tonight Ricky Gervais is joining us, everybody cheers and applause going to be a fun conversation. But first, as you know, this past weekend, people in hawaii received an alert that a Ballistic Missile was about to hit the islands and, for 38 minutes, they didnt know that it was a false alarm. Now, that would bring up a lot of emotions in anyone and, now the numbers are in on exactly which emotions. This is an odd story but it seems that people celebrated that false warning of a Nuclear Apocalypse by visiting porn sites online. The web site porn hub saw an escalation of traffic saturday morning after the all clear was sounded. When the alert was announced, traffic dropped 77 below average as residents frantically sought shelter. Once the clear was given, traffic shot up 48 above what the site normally sees. Trevor i know the people in the clip were running because they were scared but this news story made it seem like they were rushing home to watch porn. laughter funny thing, during this incident, porn hub traffic only dropped 77 , not 100 . That means 23 kept watching anyway. Yeah. They were, like, you know what . I want to go out doing what i love. What do you say gym sock, one last ride . laughter and let me ask you, what if it wasnt a false alarm is this you realize theres a risk you will be found like this, like pompey. laughter lets move on. Today marks one week an verse of mark falling into a shithole debate. Its the only news that meters. Kim and kanye had a third child. Is his name shithole . No. I dont care actually, it is, awww all the attention on a naughty word drowned out a real story, trump and the democrats cant agree on Immigration Reformed and its reaching clock the ticking over a shutdown. The democrats say they will not vote for a spending bill unless it includes daca. President trump will not sign an immigration bill unless it includes funding for the border wall. The president is trying to fix our whole immigration system legal and illegal. Were calling for congress to end chain migration and end the visa lottery system and replace it with a meritbased system of immigration. Trevor immigration. laughter this is serious, the United States government could shut down tomorrow and trump probably wants a shutdown the same way the kid hopes for a snow day so they dont have to go to school. They will be running around outside like, yeah no government audience reacts but since the disagreements could shut the u. S. Government down, we should learn about the programs that trooper hates. Diversity visa lottery. Essentially allows 50,000 immigrants every year from low immigration countries. The United States runs the show from start to finish. People around the world enter the visa lottery individually, applicants pay the fees themselves then the real vetting starts. Background checks, looking through birth certificates, court filings, police records, military history, deportation history. Marriages, divorces, adoption records, education, work experience, more questions about relatives and inperson interviews. Trevor that sondes like youve won an i. R. S. Audit. Birth certificates, police records, marriages and divorces . Calling it a lottery is a slick way to make something invasive sound like priors. Every Law Enforcement should do the same trick. Kicking down the door, get on the ground this is a lottery yea what did i win . The right to remain silent im so lucky laughter although its called a lottery, all you really win is the right to apply to come live in the United States. Its step one in an elaborate process, not a willie wonka pass to america. Now, in Immigration Reform was the centerpiece of your entire campaign and you were maybe going to shut down the whole government over it, it would help if you knew any of those things instead of this. Cancel the lottery program. They call it visa lottery. I just call it lottery where countries come in and they put names in a hopper, theyre not giving you their best names. Common sense means theyre not giving you their best names. Theyre giving you people they dont want and then we take them out to have the lottery and where they do it by hand, where they put the hand in a bowl, like probably whats in the their hand are the worst of the worst, but they put people they dont want into a lottery and the United States takes those people trevor you know, sometimes trump is so stupid that its not funny. The names are in a bowl . Theres 15 million applications and its all online. This is not some scam where other countries send america their worst individuals, right . People apply and then, after vetting them, the u. S. State department chooses who comes in. Trump makes it sound like its just some dude on the local news like your lucky immigrants tonight, and your power immigrant el chapo laughter so either trump is lying about the visa lottery or hes a dumbass who doesnt know how it works and i really dont know which one it is. So lets move on to the other Immigration Program trump wants to end, chain migration which according to him goes like this. Chain migration is one of the disasters. You allow one person in and that one person brings in ten or 12 people. The individuals right now who are receiving green cards, they can bring in, say, an elderly relative who could immediately go on to public assistance if they become unable to support themselves financially, and then that person can bring in a relative who could bring in a relative who can bring in a relative and thats why they call it chain migration. Trevor okay, slow down daytime dracula. Youve got everything right there except the facts. He makes it sound like the minute the immigrant gets a green card they can bring their whole veg with them. Sort of like this. whistle trevor for trump, that was based on a true story. laughter heres the thing, if you have a green card, you cant just bring your whole family. You can only bring your unmarried children and spouse. If you go on to become a u. S. Citizen, the time it takes to bring your family is a lot longer than donny and the trumpheads make it sound. If youre a legal resident filing for your adult child, the wait time for that adult child is roughly nine years. If youre a u. S. Citizen filing for a sibling, the wait time is roughly 13 years for them to get a visa, and that time is even longer if youre from china, india or the philippines and mexico. For some of them, that wait time pushes that 20 years. Trevor thats right, it could take up to 20 years to bring a foreign Family Member to live with you in the u. S. Which, for some relatives, is going to mean some hard choices. Its, like, grandma, look, i love you, but 20 years, i mean, its a lot of paperwork and i dont know if youre going to make it, and im just saying. Look, the bottom line is trump wants to cut immigration in half by any means necessary and, again, not just illegal immigration, legal, lawful immigration. Yeah, he wants to kick the brown out of town. So if youre from el salvador, you aint welcome no more. If youre from haiti, byebye lady. If youre from the philippines look, rhymes are not what were here for. laughter the point is trump wants fewer immigrants coming into the u. S. And while facts havent always been his friend, one tool he always knows how to use fear. People come in, and theyre not necessarily good, like the man that ran over the animal that ran over many people in new york city the other day. According to chain migration, he may have as many as 22 to 24 people that came in with him. His grandfather, his grandmother, his mother, mise father, his brothers, his sisters. We have to end chain migration. We have to end chain migration. cheers and applause trevor once again, thats not true. The new york bike terrorist was here on a green card, so he couldnt bring his grandmother, his grandfather, his brothers and sisters. But trump is using his fictionalized version of the story to crack down on all immigration. I see whats happening here. First they said no to illegal immigrants, and now they have a problem with legal immigrants coming in. I mean, i know tha say theyre not coming for us if were already here legally, but the way this is going, we may want to get on porn hub one last time because time may be running out. Well be right back. cheers and applause tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on americas most awarded network. Verizon . Uh, woah, woah, woah vince. It was ranked highest in Network Quality performance nationwide by j. D. 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These figure skaters are the only two north korean athletes who have actually qualified for the games, so the cheerleaders will dwarf the actual number of competitors. Trevor wait, 230 cheerleaders for two athletes . No one needs that much cheering. Like the cheerleaders will be in the skaters bathroom, rahrahraho brush your teeth if he was smart he would create a an army of beauties. Mr. Trump, the army of beauties is invading i surrender laughter im sure you heard of the googles art and culture app. You take a selfie and it matches you with a famous painting. This guy got mona lisa, this one van gogh. I did one, too. The last supper. No, not jesus, guys. Zoom in. I got the waiter in the background. Yeah i feel like leonardo really captured his dimples. laughter people are going crazy for this but a couple of state governments not so much. In illinois and texas you cant use the selfie feature because google removed it. It appears it was avoiding a conflict with both states that have tough laws on biometric identification using faces, fingers or eyes to identify someone. Trevor i get what theyre saying about privacy and biometrics but lets not pretend the damage hasnt already been done. People are, like, im going to post all my photos on facebook, instagram and snapchat. What about the new google no, cant take the risk. Illinois and texas, you might be reacting. Illinois is, but im totally on board with texas banning selfies. Anything that reduces of seeing a picture of ted cruz, ill take it. Moving to saudi arabia where theyve already banned facial recognition for half the population. Saudi arabia has lifted a 35year ban on cinema. The first movie screening in decades was the emoji movie. It was shown as a double feature with captain underpants, the first epic movie. The country will continue to sensor movies to make sure they align with its moral values but the government plans to open 300 more theaters by 2030. Trevor emoji movie or not, this is a big deal. Saudi arabia is one of the most conservative nations in the world. Since the new crown prince took over in june, hes take an number of steps to try to modernize the country including allowing saudi women to drive and now saudi women can also go to soccer stadiums, which you know theyre probably excited for. Finally we get to watch renaldo . No, the saudi team. Oh, we would rather beo pressed. Whatever. laughter the cinema thing seems small in our world but big in the saudis. Its weird they start with brandnew movies and go backwards. Why not catch up on the classics. Now theyll go the other way which means theyll watch the new ghostbusters. When they get to the original, it will be whats up with the male reboots . Why cant they accept women hunt ghosts . This is not mens job p. C. 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My guest tonight is a golden globe and emmy award comedian who host as show on sir sirius s and has an upcoming show and Child Support. Ow, ow. Ow. Focus. Listen to me. Settle down. laughter this is worse than the golden globes. Trevor please welcome Ricky Gervais cheers and applause thank you. Trevor welcome back to the show. Pleasure to be here. Trevor youre doing so many things. Youre doing a netflix special, tv show, sirius exms thing. Im exhausted. Trevor why are you doing so many things . I dont know. Im sitting down. In the kids room, im sitting in a room, the netflix. Standup, thats tricky. Im going to change that and do a sitdown. Im too old now. Trevor youre not old. Oh, i am. You look all good in your suit and im bleep no. I cant. I mean, i just oh, i cant. I cant be bothered. Im not going to live long enough to spend the money i made now so whats the point . Why am i doing this . Whats the point . Trevor i feel like the point is to have a lot of fun. Your new show is fun. It is. Trevor its a game show where people only win money if the kids answer the questions correctly. If one of the kids in that room and ive got to try and control them and they dont respect me which is good, i suppose, and if one of them gets it right they get through, so its a funny idea, but its still got to compete with is it more fun than me sitting at home in my pants getting drunk. Trevor is that the benchmark . It is. Honestly, its tough to beat that. I turn stuff down. I often base roles on am i sitting down. laughter no, when i first started acting, right, its like if i was in the scene, the door rang, you get up and answered it and say come in. Now i change it in the script to i just say come in. Trevor you know whats crazy, ricky is this sounds like what trumps trying to do with his presidency, is slink it to do nothing and just sit down. I know. Im allowed to be laysy. Im the only one who lets me down, not 300 million people. So i think im allowed to play golf more than him, but, yeah, its off the charts. Ive never been political. My whole life i still keep with comedy because i dont want to rally, you know, not relying on people agreeing with you or not. But in my private life, honestly, i have been so political this last year, i cant wait for him to get up and tweet its like a spoof sometimes. Sometimes i say, no, thats the real president of the United States. Trevor yeah, you dont know what a joke tweet is anymore. I dont know how you can joke. I dont know what he can do if people do thats too far for a president. What does he have to do . Trevor what about his dick . laughter we wouldnt notice. laughter applause and hes healthy now, is he . I want his doctor because i would be healthy as well. Did he get the finger . I bet not. Imagine they just couldnt. laughter its just a whole hamburger, why laughter no, but its laughter trevor oh, man but its scary. The thing in hawaii. Trevor people are teferredz because they think a missile is coming. I read up on british news and then im obviously up to date on American News and it felt like brexit was the scandal of the u. K. Yeah. Trevor why are you so chilled out because theyll even say brexit is chaotic right now. Yeah, well, we havent got that sort of news, really. Any one thing that trump had done or tweeted in the last year, that would be the end of any politician in britain. They just go, sorry, resign. That would be the end of it. They couldnt go through it. But i dont know, really. I suppose brexit was a bit of an inoculation. It got me ready for trump getting in. I just dont you know, you and north korea, right . Im blaming you