[ music ends ] [ chord plays ] [ chord, chimes play ] [ chords play ] [ chord plays ] welcome to the tfn newsquarters. Im ted nelms. Lets get started in florida with Team Coverage of hurricane randy. Weve got abby wofsy running late a few blocks away, Stewart Mccoy in a tree, and mark telfer is bearing the brunt of the storm in the florida keys. Thanks, mark. Thanks, ted. Im here. Not so fast. Mark, lets go to tfn meteorologist jane gordon standing by in the tfn Severe Weather lounge. Jane . Ted, moments ago, hurricane randy was upgraded from a category 4 to a category 5. Oh, my god jane, explain for our viewers, but not to me, because i already know, the difference between a category4 and a category5 hurricane. Well, its one worse, ted. Got it. Now the storm surges could be as high as 10 feet. To put that in everyday terms, an african pygmy mouse is 1. 8 inches long. If you strap 66. 667 pygmy mice end to end on a board, then turn that board vertically, the height of the mice would be the height of the storm surge. And, for our viewers who may be in randys path, what should they do . Learn a second language or a musical instrument. It will enrich your life immeasurably. Great advice. Thanks, jane. Now, over to the florida keys, where randy is expected to leave nothing but rubble. Mark telfer is there. Mark, news me right in the face hi, ted. Here in the keys, residents are racing to prep for the storm by boarding up their homes, tying down loved ones, and fleeing town. Meanwhile, the National Guard is stockpiling on diesel, clean water, and canned goods for hundreds of reporters like me who are an unnecessary burden on the community. Dire stuff. So, are people actually leaving . Well, most are fleeing certain death, ted, but a few spunky holdouts are staying put, like stubborn local character, deb simmons, here. Deb, this storm will kill you. Why not leave . I would, but i cant. Its too hard to get gas right now. Can you help me . Im sorry, deb. Im not from around here. Also thumbing his nose at the carnage is local bar owner, jesse d. Here he is right now. Jesse, why not leave . Oh, salty jax is literally never closed. It would be insane to start now. We got gassedup generators keeping our brewskis ice cold for you. 2for1 specials all hurricane long. Come on down well, its crazy to stay here, but also, a little crazy to miss out on a deal like that. Nelms ill say. Thanks, mark. All right, america. Which of these adorably foolhardy folks will you name our hunkerdowner of the day . Cast your vote on our website, thefakenews. Com. And if youd like to turn your back on safety to get on tv, call our hunkerdowner hotline. Now, mark, i was expecting the scene to be a little more intense. Well, randy hasnt made landfall in the u. S. Yet, ted, so its still relatively calm here. But is it making landfall elsewhere . Yes, it is, ted. Oh, hi, jane. Oh, hi, ted. The italian antilles are being pummeled by the hurricane as we speak. Sounds terrifying. Mark, i cant believe youll be reporting from that location next time we see you. Well, that is gonna be a little bit difficult, ted. They have banned all travel to and from the islands. All the more incredible that youre gonna find a way to get there. God, i admire you, mark. Yeah. Okay. Ted. Im ann mammon with a tfn bankroll money clip wealth watch minute. Tech startup scroob is set to go ipo. The popular app allows users to generate a random number, assign that number to a color, and then share with their friends. Scroob is valued at 15 billion. On the new york stock exchange, the dow jones hit an alltime high. Excitement was tempered by the realization that money is just a societal construct with no inherent value. And the duke brothers were hoisted on their own in a confusing transaction involving orange juice futures. International markets gold is sleepy. Commodities smelled vaguely like a wet dog. And futures moved, but only when nobody was looking. Thats the tfn bankroll money clip wealth watch minute. Later, evacuation or evacucation . Could this mandatory doomsday exodus turn into that relaxing getaway your family has been craving . But first, a quick correction. Yesterday, we reported on a new theme park that allows visitors to live out their wild west fantasies with the help of lifelike robots. That turned out to be a tv show. [ scooter crashes ] man ow hurricane randy isnt the only major crisis facing America President donald trump, still stuck in a well. Gail claymore is live at the scene. Gail, on your mark, get set, news. [ gunshot ] hi, ted. We are here in a remote corner of the white house grounds where the president remains trapped in a well like a helpless child. Heres a look back on just how america found itself in this extraordinary pickle. It was just one week ago that the president somehow stumbled into this abandoned well. First came the denials. So despite these well rumors, you stand by the official statement that President Trump is merely vacationing on his private island hunting other humans for sport . I think i made pretty clear where the president is. But then came the tweets. Failing media wont give trump credit. Nobody has ever gone inside a well this deep before. I have the best well. Initial attempts at a rescue immediately fail when First Responders realize their rope is too short. Then, an unsettling tweet from the president feeling lonely and scared but grateful for this time alone to contemplate the true value of character, honor, kindness and empathy. Though my fate is uncertain, i am not afraid, for i know america is greater than any one president , and her truths will live on, even if i do not. But concerns over his Mental Health are put to rest when the president tweets again, calming an anxious nation. Forget what i said before america is carnage obama is a muslim suck my bonespurs. Maga. Then tragedy strikes. From washington dc, the news is apparently official. President donald trum. Ps cellphone battery. Has died. And today, day seven, yet another new rope, and, ted, its still too short. Gail, i have to believe that there is a rope long enough to reach the president. There just isnt, ted. Theyve looked. In the garage . I would assume, yes, but i will get back to you on that. Okay. Thank you, gail. Joining me now via satellite is the nations highestraking aboveground official, Vice President mike pence. Mr. Vice president , welcome. Is the president being stuck in a well getting in the way of his ability to lead . It absolutely doesnt get in the way. President trump is one of the most resilient and determined people ive ever met in my life. I mean, he literally gets up every day, facing a galeforce wind. Wow. Of negative coverage in the mainstream press. [ laughs ] wow. All due respect, sir, hurricane randy is currently bearing down on the people of florida as we speak. I dont think galeforce wind is the best choice of metaphor. Um. Just a little disrespectful. I think were gonna have to end it there. Thank you, mr. Vice president. Yeah. Turning now to our panel, is falling in a well president ial . Im joined by grant burdock, who used to host this show until he was caught lying about his military record, and president ial historian nora samuelsnewman. Nora, is there precedent for this . Not exactly, ted, but, yes, a lot. Benjamin harrison spent three months in the belly of a whale, but back then, president s didnt matter very much. Fascinating. Grant, president ial . Ted, im offended by the idea that president s have to act a certain way simply because they happen to be president. Thats just. Racist. No, it isnt. And for another angle, lets turn to stu mccoy in a tree. Stu, is the president being president ial . Not sure, ted. Im in a tree. Sorry. Ive got to cut away. Breaking news in the murder trial of Branson Sutcliffe, heir to the sutcliffe caramel fortune. Sutcliffe caramel real cream real yummy lets go live to chase terry, who is outside the courthouse. Chase, whats happening . Hi, ted. Sutcliffes attorneys have called a sudden press conference. As you can see, the podium behind me is filled with microphones indicating an important announcement. Surely, theyll arrive any moment now. Perhaps we should check back in later, chase. Ted. Ted, uh, right now, im sensing a palpable shift in the energy out here much the same way a herd of elk would sense a predator in their midst. Surely, the defense team will be arriving right. Now. Right now. [ whispers ] right right now. Okay. Chase, why dont we check back in with you later . Oh, hey, ted uh, uh, ted, um, i have a new development. Yeah yeah . I dont know. I dont know. Chase, we got a lot to get to. When we return, hurricane randy. [ guitar riff plays ]. Cant stop, wont stop, plus, is there a moose in your house . The answer may surprise you. And i hold President Trumps feet to the fire in an exclusive prewell interview. Okay. Lets roleplay for a minute. Pretend im bruce willis in the sixth sense. And you see dead people . No, the kid sees dead people. Bruce willis is the ghost. Remember . I mean, its a little complicated. Bruce willis is a dead person, so i guess he also sees dead people, but thats not the gimmick of the movie. Do you want to just watch it again . Cant do that. Forget it. Announcer tfn opiate of the masses. If its time for this. [ rooster crows ] good morning, world, again. Then its time for mike tom her. Mike tom her every morning on tfn. Mike and tom bring you the news you need to start your day, alongside a new blond lady every once in awhile. Women are everywhere. Were letting them play golf and tennis now. Woman keep going. Shh. Shh. Chicks. Didnt men give you the kitchen . And i told you i like my meat tight. [ laughter ] right. Exactly. All right. Announcer mike tom her the more she changes, the more they stay the same. Weekday mornings on tfn. [ burps ] we have to interrupt this commercial interruption for breaking news. The fbi has identified the suspect in yesterdays attempted chicago airport bombing. But before we reveal his identity, we have tfn correspondents standing by with two different groups who are each rooting for the attacker to fit a certain profile. Ted, these liberals here really hope the perpetrator is a white, hetero, conservative trump supporter. And conservatives here would be happiest with a fundamentalist muslim, but are willing to accept a radical atheist vegan. All right. We wish all sides luck on getting affirmation that their world view is accurate. Now, tfn can announce the suspect is named. Farouk alziri. Man wow oh, no. No, no, no. Wait. Im sorry. Thats. Frank oleary. [ cheers and applause ]. Who posted facebook rants attacking. Donald trump. [ crowd cheers ] and also attacking barack obama. [ crowd cheers ] and also attacking telephone poles. [ crowds murmur ] im being told his motive was. To get his name mentioned on the news. [ laughs ] nice try, frank oleary. Let me be clear. Frank oleary is a name you will not be hearing on this network ever. Do you hear that, frank oleary . You lose frank oleary is a loser [ scoffs ] frank oleary. I think i handled that pretty well. Well be right frank oleary i mean, back. Announcer only one News Organization is the talk of america. Its totally fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Announcer only one News Organization is reaching the most powerful people in the world. Fake news. Fake news. Its fake news. That is fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Announcer and only one News Organization is willing to take sound bytes completely out of context. That is literally the epitome of fake news. Announcer the fake news we make it all up. Its fake news, but you believed it for a second and were back. In a minute, Hillary Clinton opens up on the surprising amount of feces in the state department hallways. I was very disturbed by that, and i thought, you know, we need to bring it up. Dont pretend that you can hide it under the rug or in the corner. But first, the trappednited states of inawellmerica our continuing coverage of President Trump trapped in a well. Lets check back in with gail claymore. Gail, have you ever had a dream where your hands fall off . Ive had dreams where all my teeth fell out. Yeah. Thats stressrelated. This is different. Whats happening at the well . Its getting dire, ted. Rescuers are running out of options and, frankly, patience. Ill be honest with you. These are some of the best america has to offer, and even they are losing steam. Gail, gail, gail. [ chuckles ] ted . One second. Theres a guy behind you being an absolute cutup. Find out who that is. Sir, can you come here for a second . Can you please give us your name . [ chuckles ] uh. Mike mike rotch. [my crotch] very pleased to make your acquaintance, mr. Rotch. Will you tell us a little about yourself . Uh, i saw the camera, and i was just, like, what if i dont know. Uhhuh. Mr. Rotch, let me tell you what you just did right there you took a tense moment, and you imbued it with levity, telling america its okay to smile again, and i, for one, thank you for that. Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbht [ chuckles ] its good stuff. Its just good stuff. Im looking forward to the next National Tragedy just to see what you do with it, mike. Gail, give him your cell number. Awesome. What . Being in a well might not be good for a president s survival or hygiene, for that matter, but what does it do to his Approval Ratings . Turns out, it helps quite a bit, actually, and his republican colleagues have taken notice, many jumping into wells of their own. Hunter [ echoing ] trump is in charge. The president knows what hes doing. Harris [ echoing ] so what were going to do is were going to follow the president s lead. Ryan [ echoing ] i think its in our interest to have party unity. And no surprise, the democratic response to the president s situation has been swift, fierce, and well coordinated. Um, uh. Uh, uh. Uh. Um. Uh, ah. [ indistinct chatter ] hello . Bold words. Well see if they can make good on those promises. Of course, Many Americans are asking what its like inside the well. Whats President Trump going through . Our own augmentedreality correspondent, carl boormann, is here to give us a virtual look. Thanks, ted. First off, the well is 5 feet wide, which is about the size of a common floaty toy, perhaps a unicorn, which would help the president if the well filled up with liquid unless that liquid were acid, in which case the president would be instantly dissolved. But, as of now, the well is dry, most likely strewn with garbage, gatorade bottles, cigarette butts, old nudie mags, penthouse, club international, that sort of thing. And since the well was dug in 1881, we have to assume the president is currently surrounded with human skeletons, a grounds keeper, warren g. Hardings mistress, and so forth. It seems a little outlandish. Does it, meat puppet . [ chuckles ] well, this is my realm, a binary reality of ones and zeros you cant catch me, ted, for i am the [ distorted voice ] data lord [ laughs maniacally ] pure information unbound by the petty strictures of matter, manipulating cyber pulses in a digital orchestra. [ normal voice ] hhhhhhhha ha ha ha okay. Thanks, carl. He does this. Hell tire himself out eventually. In the meantime, target has released a new litter of Seasonal Workers from its corporate birthing sack. Genetically identical team members will be put down after the holiday rush. Returning now to hurricane randy. [ guitar riff plays ] not every story of the storm is a nightmarish foxtrot with a dance partner named death. Sometimes its an uplifting waltz with a homespun hero. On tonights good samaricans, we spotlight one man who is helping out. Aliena meet charlie shelton, a data specialist from youngstown, ohio. Hes the founder of a charity that collects an item most relief organizations overlook. So this is the panty pantry. Great. This is it. Reporter the panty pantry. It may look like an ordinary suburban garage, but inside is a meticulously organized collection of female undergarments waiting to clothe needy disaster survivors. When our crack team of tfn helper hunters discovered your website, i was literally blown away by your dedication to the cause that every woman, man, and child needs underwear. Just womens panties, though. Why specifically panties . I mean, if you think about it, its, like, the hardest thing, probably, to get in a disaster situation. Hmm. Theres some crazy disaster, and and and you just need panties, right . Right. How are you going to get them . Nobody has got panties. Yeah. Theyre out of generators. Theyre out of panties. I just felt like this was, like this is where i can do the most this is where i can do the most good. But if charlie sheltons going to do the most good, hes going to need a little help from the rest of us. And how can people donate to this amazing, inspiring cause . Just send, you know, send, like, all the panties that you can. Uhhuh. To the address on the website. And you want fresh packaged underwear . Oh, god, no. What . Yeah, no. I mean, if iiif thats what you have, sure. Ideally, its been you know, its a little livedin, right . So, yeah. Just send them to the address on the website, all types, it doesnt matter [ whispers ] and you dont have to wash them. Im sorry. What . What . Yeah. You dont have to wash them. Oh. So you wash them all here . Dont worry about it. Okay. We take care of it. Great. Dont dont worry about it. What . I didnt say anything. Okay. I didnt either. And thats just one way that every day, good samaricans are pitching in. Im aliana aliena, proud to have made my own donation to this inspiring new effort. Pretty inspiring story, right, stu mccoy in a tree . What . Never mind. Yet another breaking news story, so many today. Tfn has confirmed that famed ventriloquist eric lepay has died. The world will miss lepay and his beloved gaggle of puppets. Our hearts go out to all of them, as well as the 215 other passengers who were onboard his flight when it crashed. Eric lepay, you will be missed. Ted . Thanks, ted. Guns. Guns . Half of america thinks theyre instruments of death designed for killing fellow human beings, and the other half is against them. Last night, i hosted tfns gun control town hall. Heres where things got real. But thats a tired argument. Then go to denmark what are you doing here . Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. One at a time. Robert, you were saying . I was saying the data is staggering. There are now more guns that children. Wow. Thats arbitrary and meaningless. Its true. Unrestricted gun ownership is a constitutional right. Guys, what do you say we just take this out of the abstract and make it real . [ gunshot ] oh aah [