The cops got to use the n word for it to be racism you never heard the phrase a picture is worth a thousand epithets. Did you just, he who smelt it dealt it racialism. Dont carry a gun if you are black. Dont even carry gum t sounds too much like gun. One of these two men has five kids in various locations, by multiple baby mamas and the other is lebron james. But boom i think we swement up that centuries old saga of stagnant repression and inequality rather nicely, youre welcome, america, to our new post racial world. Another disturbing video showing a white Police Officer killing an unarmed black man. All eyes matter. You cant say only black lives matter. laughter [bleep] god, all right, lets just move on it another one of my classic adversaries, the big banks. No one has yet been held accountable for the 2008 financial crisis. A new segment we call how the [bleep] is it that Martha Stewart went to jail stlam. Wall street is mad as hell and theyre not going to take it anymore unless by it you mean 2 trillion in their own bailout money. If you are part of a Financial Institution that [bleep] with sport, you will go to the hamptons or some of you to monster. Com. And stay down. I didnt just eviscerate wall street, i burned that bitch to the ground, drove the asphalt paved over them and built an arbies on top. cheers and applause oh yeah, thats right. An arby ssz. Arbys, a lot more than your 401 k is going down the toilet. applause thats a good one. That was a good one. Lets see how the financial industry is coping in the wake of my onslaught. A trader sentenced to 14 years behind bars for his role in the global conspiracy to rig interest rates. Tom hayes was found guilty of trying to man i lais late rates in four years at city group, he was the first banker to be tried, he received one of the hashest penalties since the financial crisis. Take that, one guy crime doesnt pay. Unless you are anyone other than that one guy. laughter perhaps fox news, the best known target in our shows proverbial cross hairs paid the ultimate press. Their sprite driven anger machine routed in the fear that any change in the stat outside did statusco with erode the power structure. Where can the fear be coming from. I guess oh, god. On bull [bleep] mountain. We report, you can suck it. You are the loopus of news. Youre [bleep] down now youre [bleep] down now. Not only did i take down fox news i did it with the power of song. Face it, fox, now youre just a bloody husk of the News Corporation you once were, irrelevant,. Kaput. This thursdays gop primary debate hosted by fox news. Fox news will make the decision tomorrow night as to which candidates make it in the prime time. laughter jon i did say fox news influence is gone. What i meant was its gone all the way to the white house. It will decide the next leader of the free world. What the [bleep] is going on here goddamn it cheers and applause the world is demonstrably worse than when i started. I have caused this . Has if all been for naught . As i shuffle off this basic cable coil must i discover my years of evisceration have em bettered nothing . 16 years of bar bs ander. S, spurred none to greatness. But we have had one thing in common. North of neither of us have ever thrown a nohitter. Just warming up baseball see some, pie mets are in mid season sucking form. Oh for gods sake the mets are at the bottom of the arab league as well. This cant be. Its just embarrassing. The mets cant even do well in the arab league. Those countries dont even play baseball. No i shutter to envision the depths to which the next clip will illuminate the further ensucking. Of my beloved new york metropolitans. What difference a week makes for the mets. Last week the sky was falling, today first place. Take a look for your sell. You got to see it to believe it. cheers and applause yes yes ill take it. Youre getting 3 here. Alright . Here goes. Yep. [ crunching ] oh cheddar, sour cream onion, and salt vinegar. Wow wow how did you do that . i can see through the blindfold. [ male announcer ] pringles get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swifts music videos, interviews, and more. Xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. cheers and applause jon welcome back. Now tomorrows final show is going to be incredible. I hope you tune into the final show, i think it will be incredible but i really think i would be doing a terrible disservice to my sev and the fans in signing off if i didnt bring attention to one of my feel rans, the five finger fillet, i stab around my finger was hurting myselfment i will start stabbing my fingers incredibly sharp blade and mi obviously prone to show related bloodee hand accidents so i am going to stab myself jon, jon, jon. Oh thank god. Thank you. Thank you. Jon, as your correspondent couldnt let you step down as host without taking one last gander. Jon that is touching, guys, i appreciate it. Jon, to millions of people around the world you were a man on tv. Hmm. From 11 p. M. Until 11 30 p. M. , monday through thursday. Hmm. Words, sound bites and then more words. Jon guys, that isnt much appreciation, you are just stating facts. Every moment captured on videotape via camera and that tinny microphone attached to your suit jacket. Jon this is just they can call technical. Jon, everyone what turned on this show saw you, except for that one summer when they saw a taller british you. Jon yeah, that so jon, its with our eyes that we take one last look at all the times that you were here. cheers and applause jon i would like to offer one guest a spot on this program, with our new segment, really . Thats what were calling it . Is that laughter by techno phobic segment, jon stewart looks at his junk. Do we have another segment that i could laughter hmmmm, you should watch my brandnew segment the things that i did may have been catastrophickically wrong but i think we can all agree, i did do them. Do you wish the front of you looked more like the back of you . Someones going to have to suck the big mans [bleep] i guess. This is a debacle. Toad el loo. laughter i was being told that in my ear, by the way. Im being told that i dont have an earpiece. Whats the deal with sodomy. Am hickory dic ory dock, your Healthcare Plan sucks obama makes sun go away. Thats not the name we discussed. 50 points to given door. I rather go to war. Do go on. I said we shouldnt do that one so if we could just i dont think that that did you hear that, mr. Bartholomew. You cant buy taste. Andela. I feel a trap. I like applesauce. I dont think that that is better in laughter send your letters to brian williams. What the blubber oh no, you didnt. I thought we were going to change that. Who is it that i talked to about getting these changed. Dancing with the pelvis and the are you eating it with a fork. Oh [bleep] fork oh i think your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. Ba da [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. Oh, i amuse. How do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think . What am i, a clown, is that what you think . cheers and applause thank you, guys. I really, i have to say that i really, i couldnt have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. Were going to miss you, jon. It will leave a big hole here. Well, thats we can we talk to somebody about the title that all right, well be right back. Can we just get somebody and do eye different title. Its the shopping online. Is as easy as it gets. Wouldnt it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners. Were just as simple . Thanks to angies list, now it is. Start shopping online. From a list of top rated providers. Visit angieslist. Com today. Irresistibly crispy bacon, of enticingly tender turkey, and deliciously rich guacamole together on freshly baked bread for one truly amazing sandwich the new subway turkey bacon guacamole. Only at subway. Introducing the Samsung Galaxy s6 active only from at t. Tested to withstand pretty much anything life throws your way. Switch to at t and get a 300 credit with eligible purchase and tradein. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets not getting enough oomph out of your energy drink . Then try an extra strength 5hour energy shot. Its beefed up blend of vitamins, nutrients and caffeine make it the very definition of extra strength. Plus, every great flavor has zero sugar and four calories. So, for an energy shot that really. Pulls its own weight, switch to extra strength 5hour energy. Oh, could you go left here . I need to pick up my dry cleaning. Ask any lifeguard and shes gonna tell ya Colonel Sanders here. The best part of summertime is my five dollar fillup with Finger Lickin good sauce. Dip your chicken in it. Wait an hour. Dip yourself in the pool. Its Finger Lickin good. [hero female] were all familiar with this axe daily fragrances, which comes in a black can. But what you wouldnt have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. It goes on dry and keeps you dry with no visible residue. Why are you touching your armpit . I was just checking to see if it was dry. [hero female] dont, thats weird. The first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. Get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swifts music videos, interviews, and more. Xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. cheers and applause jon welcome back, my guest tonight is comedian, star of epic louis. Available of louis c. K. Live in Madison Square garden. Please welcome back to our program, louis c. K. cheers and applause louis, louis, louis i hear that a lot. I hear that a lot. laughter weird. Jon theyre not booing, their shouting louis. Although when its me, theyre actually booing. Nevers really booing. Jon really booing, thank you, thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. Im thrilled to be your last dude. Person. I just, i came on behalf of comedy, to say. Jon on behalf of comedy. Yeah. Jon youre representing comedy. I represent all comedy. Jon uhhuh. Just to say, you know, nice job. Jon thank you, my friend. I praerbt it. Youre welcome. Jon louis and i started together. In fact, i have to tell you is the other night i went down to the cellar, the comedy cellar where i started. Louis started in boston and then came down to new york and started working the cellar. Thats right. Youre one of the first guys i ever saw there the first or second comedian i ever saw there. Jon at the cellar. Yeah, and you were so great. I was like who is this little jew, hes funny. Jon that was the original title of my act. Little funny jew. It was like a i would dress up in overalls. Im going to miss watching you on this show. But i think the most reliable way to take a good thing and make it go bad is to hold on to it too long. Thats really. Jon i think thats right. So you got to let it go, an also, you know, its really time to go. And also i would say when i heard you were leave i was sad when i heard you were leaving but i thought there is a new jon stewart show. That is why i got excited. You have been [bleep] this one for a long time, dude. Jon i know the machinery here. And what is exciting to me about trevor being able to did this is it gives people who like this show a chance to fall in love again. Yeah. To see what else. Jon you know what i mean. Falling in love starts with who the [bleep] is this. S thiss where love. Jon right. All love begins with. Jon right. Tass how love begins. That is the First Step Towards love. Jon and love in a late night show is like because ares already in bed. Yeah, exactly. Jon so the new guy walks in, and it really is going to be like, you know, i really do think i love jon but i guess more as a friend. Like thats right. Jon like i want to [bleep] trevors show. That kind of thing. Thats right. Jon so i think its going to invigorate all of our relationships. cheers and applause jon in all different ways. Im so happy to see you. I feel like what is so nice about, you know, you and quinn and patel and nick, you know, ray and all the guys, laura, there is a bond there, we dont see each other for 10, 20, it falls back into place. You pick up right where you left off when you see each other. But i have got to tell you. Im really amazed what you did here, it is really impressive. You did this show for this long, kept it this good for this long, and stayed with the worlds events and you were a voice of reason and you were funny. Its really like one of the great comedy accomplishments of all time that you did. Very nice. Con gradlations. Jon heres the thing. Is. I will almost always, i will almost always uncomfortably deflate but when its somebody that i love, that i respect, it means the world some thank you. People are throwing up right now. Theyre at home going oh, stop it. Oh, god, thats awful. Jon i guess the real thing that i wanted to say is louis and i are both dying. Thats right. Jon i thought i would puncture it a little bit. We will both be dead in a month. Jon im sorry. Jon were going to g tomorrow night is the last one. Him first and me a minute later. Jon by the way, holding hands. Its going to be one of those stories on the web. Were going to die holding hands. Jon one of those stories like comedians that were together for 30 years die within a minute of each other. And then people will click on that and be like i hope i die with a comedian like that. But Everything Else is good . Yeah, fine. Jon by the way louis c. K. Live at Madison Square garden is available on saturday. I want to say this about the new thing on my web site. I wouldnt buy t its not very good. Jon not a good one. First of all, its mostly material in my last special. And i havent heard the mix, i think it was pretty bad so i made it like you could pay 1 or whatever you want. Like you is set your price. Because it doesnt seem fair to really sell if. If they listen it will you reimburse them for their trouble because sometimes the download can be. Yeah, sure. Jon time is money and you got people there and they are downloading that thing. I will say this, if there is a loud off, clear enough message that everybody wants their money back i will give it all back. How long does it take to download, i have a doleup. So to get through. You think i can get it in like 18 hours. About that, dont listen to t you shouldnt get t dont get it dont get it. Jon im not listening to it at all. It comes out this saturday but just dont get it. Jon go to louis c. K. Net, just not to get it. Yeah. laughter jon louis c. K. Covergirl wants you to blast your beautiful lash blast a blast of mega volume in an instant clump crusher 200 more volume with zero clumps and covergirl fusion a big blast of volume plus length. Big bold mascaras. Big bold lashes no matter how you blast it. Blast mascaras from easy, breezy beautiful covergirl. Show us how you blast it at covergirl. Com blast i am rich. On the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. Out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. I wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. Wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. Yes, i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. A nation of checkers. Missing this moment. To check all of the other moments. Really, mom . Just one look. Theyll never notice. Checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. Or, you can change the way you check your phone. Its 30 in the first. Howd you do that . Magic. The Samsung Galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. Get 200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. Jon thats our show, everybody. Remember, remember, tomorrow night, tomorrow night is the final episode. Its going to go long. So remember to set your thing and bring a snack cuz were going to be here awhile. Here it is, your moment of zen. The final tweet hitchbot said my love for humans will never fade. A thumbs up for people from the hitchhiking robot. Rage against jon stewart january 11, 1999. Tonight, on the daily show. Pomp and circumstantial evidence in the senate. Beth littleford gets down close and personal with the munchkins. Has anyone here ever been tossed . Oh, no no. We dont approve of that. We heard about that. Jon stewart and spin citys michael j. Fox pops my daily show cherry. [theme music] announcer this is the daily show with jon stewart, the most Important Television program ever. [theme music] [cheering and applause] hey welcome. Welcome, welcome to the daily show. Craig kilborn is on assignment in kuala lumpur. Im jon stewart. Coming up on todays show, Stephen Colbert with the latest analysis out of washington, Beth Littleford interviews the original munchkins, and michael j. Fox is my first guest, and hes a nice man for doing it. But first, let the healing begin. Its headlines. [music playing] and now for our continued comprehensive coverage of the final blow. [music playing] youre out of order. Hes out of order. This whole trial is sexy. President clintons historic impeachment trial begins thursday, and the most important issue facing the United States senate is how can it take a pointless, tawdry trial whose outcome has already been decided and make it last six hilarious, humiliating months . One way to do it would be an endless parade of meaningless witnesses. I dont see how we can deny the house the ability to call witnesses if they believe its critical to their case. Now, we can negotiate with them about the numbers. We can decide that were not going to allow material to be presented at the trial thats offensive. Republicans want to call Monica Lewinsky to the stand, as well as any other women clinton may have had affairs with. However, many officials oppose the idea, saying the caravan of trailer homes to washington could paralyze interstate traffic and rob the little rock fast Food Industry of hundreds of its most reliable assistant managers. Many senators have urged clinton to postpone his state of the union address. However, white house insiders say clintons plans will not change, and he looks forward to addressing the nation on january 19, wearing a new tie from his bitch of the month club. So far, strom thurmond, ears still ringing from the big bang, has emerged as the star of the impeachment proceedings. Here he is, buzzed from the pitcher of adrenaline juleps needed to keep him alive, swearing in chief Justice William rehnquist. Do you solemnl