Ass is hardly even a dirty word. This has a few meanings you cant say on television. Like you said you made a perfect ass of yourself tonight. But you cant say hey, lets go get some [beep]. [laughter] announcer and if you think you are unshockable george its showtime. Announcer get ready for George Carlin. George i a professional am comedian. As opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. Announcer over five incredible decades, comedy changed its look, changed its sound, and changed everything around us. George visine, do they look that red . [laughter] [applause] george can you hold that for me . Hey, now i need it. Now i need it. [laughter] hold them both for me. Now youre under arrest. Announcer through it all, one man was the walking, talking, ranting, raving, voice of the culture. George i call him muhammad ali because thats what he wants. Oh yeah, he is a big dude and he hits hard. Government wanted him to change jobs. Government wanted him to kill people. [laughter] [applause] george he thought it over and he said no, thats where i draw the line. [laughter] ill beat them up, but i dont want to kill them. [laughter] and the government told him well, if you dont kill them, we wont let you beat them up. Announcer from ed sullivan to the very first saturday night live, from dozens of latenight appearances, to his incredible 14 hbo specials. George hitler only had one ball. A lot of people dont know that. A lot of people dont know that. They say hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls. [laughter] george one. [laughter] announcer carlin broke ground and turned comedy on its head. George that is a true oxymoron if i ever heard one. Civil war. Do you think any country could really have a civil war . Say, pardon me. [mimicking gunshots] george im awfully sorry. Announcer now, for the first time ever, you can see it all. Over 30 unique performances covering the hilarious scope of George Carlins brilliant mind and oneofakind career, captured in one complete collection, exclusively from time life. George you know whats great about being a dog . You can choose to take a [beep] whenever you want. Announcer so hold onto your front row seat, because there are more than seven words you cant say on television. George [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] announcer but youll hear every one in this outrageous, explosive collection. George it is about the seven words you cant say on television, which i have been amending since then. Folks have been reminding me of others. [laughter] their own little words that they have. [beep] [beep] and [beep] announcer live, honest, uncensored, and funnier than ever. George the greatest thing since sliced bread. [laughter] george so, this is it, huh folks . The pyramids, for christs sake. Panama canal, the great wall of china, even a lava lamp. [laughter] to me is greater than sliced bread. Whats so great about sliced bread . You got a knife, youve got a loaf of bread. Slice the [beep] thing. [laughter] announcer ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin. George i used to be this guy, or maybe this guy used to be me. I dont know, we were each other at one time. Announcer in the beginning, george was a freshfaced guy in a tie, making the rounds on the variety shows. George welcome on a wonderful wednesday, winning your way with 100 wild and woolly wacky ways on the radio. Announcer but soon enough, the times were achanging, and so was george. George que pasa . Weather,e hippy dippy man . Announcer he traded the tie for a beard and took aim at the establishment. George police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed 200 People Living on the second floor. [laughter] announcer while georges star was rising, a little Cable Network called hbo was changing the comedy game. George because of the fcc, im never sure what it is im allowed to say. Announcer on hbo, there was nothing george couldnt say. Their raw and uncensored specials took us inside the club and brought comedy to the masses. George i would like to bring you uptodate on the comedians health sweepstakes. [laughter] as it stands right now, i lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, 21. [laughter] [applause] george im ahead. Thats right. But now, however, richard still leads me 10 on burning yourself up. [laughter] announcer but even hbo had to warn us that carlin was special. Tonight you will see a performance usually seen only if you could get to nightclubs, college campuses, and theaters where George Carlin is a constant sellout. A portion of mr. Carlins performance needs a special introduction, at least for television. Announcer he was going to make us see the world in a whole new way. George if there is a god, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever [beep] things up like this. Announcer over the decades, carlin kept opening up our minds. George we have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. That seems a little strange to me. It seems to indicate someone was awfully interested in these words. They kept referring to them. They called them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street talk, gutter talk, locker room language, knotty, talk, bawdy, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, lascivious, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, offcolor, risque, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing, and all i can think of was [beep], [beep], [beep], and [beep]. Announcer he produced a staggering 14 hbo specials. George thats my job, thinking up goofy [beep], every now and then letting you know what it is, or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. [laughter] announcer comedians are a dime a dozen, but only one in a million is a legend. This collection is your chance to laugh along with the genius of George Carlin anytime you like. George in our school, we did not have grades. We did not have as, bs, cs, or ds. The only as i got was and this is a Little Corner cut a little corny, i got their attention, their approval, their approbation, their admiration, and their applause. Those are the only as i wanted and i got them. Announcer the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth has never been funnier. George if you heard one of the albums, you know that i once made a list of the seven words you can never say on television. But there are seven words you must say on television from time to time, and thats what i have to do now. Well be right back after station identification. I hope you are ready for a little random anger. Announcer George Carlin was not a fan of advertising. George turn on the [beep] tv announcer but this collection is just too good to keep to ourselves, so we are going to give it to you straight. Ready . Here it goes. George people ought to get what they want once in a while. Announcer introducing the best of George Carlin, exclusively from time life. George my kind of television. I just want some entertainment. Its just the kind of guy i am. Announcer this is the must have comprehensive collection of carlin classics. George got to check it out. Announcer 10 discs featuring all 14 of his legendary hbo specials. George [beep] cable. This has got to be on payperview. Announcer plus, rare clips, including early appearances on the hollywood palace, the Jackie Gleason show and the ed sullivan show. George tonights forecast, dark. Announcer hours of bonus content, including carlins one and only Mainstream Network special, the real George Carlin. George i grew up here, really. This is a groovy neighborhood. Announcer a lost Company Comedy record, sourced from over 40 years of carlins personal cassettes. George speaking of places where people blow cows, let me ask you a question. Announcer indepth interviews featuring george in conversation with jon stewart, the archive of american television, and himself. George they had to read these words out loud in court. Im just proud of that. Announcer and so much more. George have you ever noticed that you dont seem to get laid on thanksgiving . I think it is because all of the old coats are on the bed. Announcer key performances from the most masterful mind in the history of comedy. George pussyfoot, interesting word. It is a rare female birth defect. Announcer no bull, no baloney. 10 discs, all carlin, all for only five payments of 19. 99. George wait until i tell them this. Announcer plus, if you order in the next 18 minutes, we will send you two free bonus dvds. George have you ever looked at your watch and then you dont know what time it is . [laughter] so you look again. Announcer totally exclusive and available for the first time ever, six of georges legendary appearances on the tonight show starring johnny carson. George the bureau of Indian Affairs has discovered another mohican. [laughter] announcer and we will ship it all to you absolutely free. George great, isnt this great . Announcer plus, if you order now, we will also include a collectors booklet with photos and a look at his electrifying career. George you want to see some pictures of my kid . No. Announcer this collection is all the best and only the best, over 30 unique performances totaling 30 hours from five decades. George id like to repeat that, because it sounds vaguely important. Announcer anything we missed . George no cash, no problem. [laughter] no kidding. Announcer right. This is the collectors carlin, and you wont find it in stores. Only time life can bring it straight to you and your satisfaction is guaranteed. George easy terms, affordable prices, moneyback guarantee. Announcer if you have not laughed yourself silly at the best of George Carlin george i always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. [laughter] and i would say well, i dont get off until 4 00. And she said well, i dont get off at all. That is why i am looking for some tongue. Announcer well refund 100 of your purchase price, no questions asked. George when you return an item, you know where you put it, dont you . You put it anywhere you want. Announcer order now to get the best of George Carlin. Over 30 unique performances, including all 14 hbo specials, hours of exclusive extras, plus your two bonus dvds of carlin on carson that have never been available before on dvd. That is 12 discs of honest, hilarious, classic carlin, plus the exclusive collectors booklet all for just five payments of 19. 99. And well ship it for free. George that is really a big bunch. Announcer no lies, just laughter. George im here to entertain and inform. Announcer order now. George ill be heading home to you. Yes, some words of fun. Words like flammable. Flammable, inflammable, and noninflammable. [laughter] george why are there three . [laughter] does it seem to you as though two words ought to be able to handle that idea . I mean either the thing flamms or it doesnt flamm. Announcer George Carlin was a master of language. Your fascination with language is so apparent. Watching you work is almost like watching a musician. The way you weave words and use language for emphasis. George you listen for rhythms, you look for ways to sing at the same time you are talking. Youre talking, going doodoodooo. And its just natural. Announcer whether he was giving us the weather, the news. George food and Drug Administration announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. [laughter] [applause] george however, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. Announcer or just his views. George i got this real moron thing i do, its called thinking. [laughter] and im not a really Good American because i like to form my own opinion. [laughter] i dont just roll over when im told to. There are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First of all, theyre not all cute, ok . [laughter] in fact if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant looking. Announcer he delivered a handcrafted, pitch perfect, pyrotechnic performance built from the ground up. George im a rude dude, but im a real deal. Lean, mean. Ready to rock. Rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning. Jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I dont snooze so i dont lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy and lunch time is crunch time. Im hanging in. There aint no doubt. And im hanging tough, over and out. Announcer from rehearsals to clubs to latenight. George if you change your plans and you alter your plans, youve done the same thing. But if you change your pants and you alter your pants, youve done two different things. Announcer when carlin works out a routine in front of an audience, you are seeing greatness taking shape before your eyes. George as long as were talking about minorities arent we . Indirectly . Ok. I have to remember to keep that in. Im getting laughs on the exposition now. Announcer these have been painstakingly gathered. And together, they take you inside the brilliant brain of a master comic. George [beep] lance armstrong. You know that . [beep]. [beep] him and his ball and his bike. [beep]. [beep]. I am tired of being told who to admire in this country. [applause] george while youre at it, [beep] tiger woods too [laughter] announcer he called them like he saw them. George are you ready for some fun . Yeah. George well they say blondes have more fun. Unfortunately, they also have more vd. [laughter] announcer he told it like it is. George the upperclass keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle classes pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the [beep] out of the middle class. [laughter] announcer and he never let anyone shut him up. George if there is a god, may he strike this audience dead. See . Everything is fine, nobodys hurt. Announcer only George Carlin could make us laugh by telling the truth. George you noticed there are not many chinese guys named rusty . [laughter] all over canada they have been asking for us to bring back George Carlin. So, ladies and gentlemen, here is comedian, comedy star George Carlin. Announcer introducing the best of George Carlin, exclusively from time life. George i am, indeed, highly dandy. Announcer this is the musthave, comprehensive collection of carlin classics. George we are doing a little tape for home consumption. Announcer 10 discs featuring all 14 of his legendary hbo specials. George ever pet a cat who is lying absolutely flat . Before you finish, way up in the air. Announcer plus rare clips, including early appearances on the ed sullivan show, the hollywood palace, and the Jackie Gleason show. George usually the Television Day begins with the morning prayer, god willing. Announcer hours of bonus content, including carlins one and only Mainstream Network special, the real George Carlin. George i am from this neighborhood, and i used to get over and see you. Announcer indepth interviews, featuring george in conversation with jon stewart, the archive of american television, and himself. George time to get this thing going. Announcer and so much more. George excuse me. [laughter] i dont remember eating that. [laughter] announcer all the key performances from the most masterful mind in the history of comedy. George a man in detroit is suing a soup company, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled an obscene message to his wife. Announcer no bull, no baloney, 10 discs, all carlin, all for only five payments of 19. 99. George boy, this is good stuff. Announcer plus if you order in the next 10 minutes. George three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Announcer well send you two bonus dvds. George dont forget to pick up your free gift. Announcer totally exclusive and available for the first time ever, six of georges legendary appearances on the tonight show, starring johnny carson. George the ed sullivan impression, the idea is that everyone can do it. Agents and managers can do them now. I am sure that somewhere in the world, there is a bear that can do it. And a good one. Yeah. Just from being on the show. And watching esther williams. Announcer and well ship it all to you absolutely free. George good rule. Announcer plus if you order now, we will also include an exclusive collectors booklet with photos, quotes, and a look at georges electrifying career. George dont know what you might find it here. In here. Announcer this collection is all the best and only the best, over 30 unique performances totaling nearly 30 hours from across five decades. George what . Announcer anything we missed, george . George and i answered, well, yes, apparently so. According to the information. Announcer right. This is the collectors carlin, and you wont find it in stores. Only time life can bring it to you, and your satisfaction is guaranteed. George spectacular thing going on there. Announcer if you havent laughed yourself silly at George Carlin george this program was prerecorded. Of course it was prerecorded. When else are you going to record it . Afterwards . Announcer we will refund 100 of your purchase price, no questions asked. George yes, you get back everything. Announcer so order now to get the best of George Carlin, over 30 unique performances, including all 14 hbo specials, hours of exclusive extras, plus your two bonus dvds of carlin on carson that have never been available on dvd. That is 12 discs of honest, hilarious, classic carlin, plus the exclusive collectors booklet, all for just five payments of 19. 99. And well ship it for free. George pretty neat deal, huh . Announcer no lies, just laughter. George i have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment. And i have always been willing to put you at great personal risk for a similar reason. For the same reason. Announcer order now. George id like to place an order and i will be down to pick it up. I can go out on stage . [applause] announcer George Carlin thrilled every audience he stood in front of. B