Falling over myself. Thats all right. My name is andi bernabe. This journey didnt start when i found out what the Word Transgender was. Honestly, it started when i was born. Coming to terms with my identity felt like trying to deny a part of myself that i thought would never be reality. I kind of felt like a someone put a cap on a volcano and i wasjust sitting on top of that volcano, not trying to let that cap go. But in The End, the volcano exploded. I want to be referred to as andi from now on. I was just mostly scared of the people around me, what they would think. Im so happy after the volcano exploded, all these flowers and trees and life flourished because the ground was, like, re nourished. But, you know, its not all peaches and cream, sunshine and lollipops. Things didnt go as planned. I cant live like this any more. Fear really does do something to a person. This is my story. Ah this is who i am. I actually was born in queens, new york. I was there for five years until we moved straight from there to texas, and we havent moved anywhere ever since. As a kid, i definitely wore a lot of boyish clothes. I did not enjoy wearing skirts, dresses, all that. Maybe that was early symptoms of my dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is the Discomfort And Distress in individuals whose Gender Identity is different from what they were assigned at birth. I didnt even find out what lgbtq even meant until my Middle School years, when i had access to the internet through my phone. No adults ever taught me about it or told me anything about it. Bisexual, transgender, queer. Overlapping voices. Repelled by the mere notion of homosexuality. Gay couples on the steps of city hall. And every day, it gets better. Being here in texas, its part of, like, the Bible Belt so theres a lot of conservative people here that maybe dont agree with the lgbtq lifestyle. In early school days, like, elementary to Middle School, they dont really teach you a lot, you know, only about the Reproductive System and Safe Sex between straight couples. And, literally, thats it. No gay stuff. Nuh uh. Thats. You cant, you shouldnt, you cant do that. My dysphoria started to manifest around the start of freshman year, id say. Its just a really uncomfy feeling that, like. It feels like its like clawing at the back of my Neck And Itjust wont go away. At the time, my hair was about, like, this to this long. It was, like, really long. It was really heavy and it was actually causing me neck pain. So, i was like, huh, i want to get my hair cut. I would use that reasoning almost as, like, a Cover Up Excuse for, deep down, why i actually really wanted my hair cut. Over time, the feeling got stronger and stronger, then i started realising, i think Theres Something different here at play. Basically, i got it all chopped off. When we went inside the car, i immediately started, like, bawling. Im so happy ive wanted this for so long this feels better than i ever expected. When i finally, like, realised why ifelt like that, it, like. It was, like, a light bulb explosion. It was like, oh my god, it got me so excited. It was probably the Big Changing Moment to make me realise, yeah, no, im probably. Probably tra nsgender. I want to officially say hey, i want to be referred to as andi from now on. If you guys have any questions at all, feel free to swipe up and ask me, i will be glad to answer. I was scared, obviously, that some people might not think that its ok, especially the adults, but i felt happy. Like, really happy. The night before my birthday, i kind of was awake the entire time. I remember walking in the school and thinking, oh, my god, im an adult now, i am a legal adult. It is my birthday, i am 18. Then i got a text from my friend, bella, and she was like, hey, can you come up to the Choir Room real quick . She doesnt get upset much, so, like, ithought it was a serious problem. When everything was ready, i brought him upstairs, and someone was videoing. I was greeted with the entire room filled with a bunch of people, yelling. Surprise happy birthday to you she spun me around after they stopped singing happy birthday, and then she said, so, since youre, like, a legal adult now, we kind of raised enough money for you to change your name. In my head, i was like. A sensory overload. And ijust, as you can see in the video, completely broke down. And started crying. Looking back on it makes me so extremely happy, honestly. I didnt have to pay to be comfortable with My Name on paper and my legal name, so why should andi have to . The video went viral. Andi just has so many people who love him and support him, it wasnt a difficult task to get the money raised for him, rather than having him have that burden himself. I feel like two completely separate people in my existence from years ago to now. Thats the thing, i was always the same person, but to me, mentally, it felt like two different people that ive lived through. My family, we have talked about my identity and all that, but theyre generally, like, ok now. At first, they werent. Not everythings, you know, perfect in this world, but thats totally fine. They� re ok now. Now, the story behind this i actually had a different Cardboard Sign taped to my door with my dead name, but i was like, you know what . Lets change that. So i did. Welcome these are my paintings that i have done. This is my most recent painting, that im very proud of. Now, pertaining to my whole trans journey, ive been trying to, like, take a Selfie Picture of myself with my polaroid on every single one of my birthdays. Thats the shortest my hairs ever been before i actually cut it, and thats a year after. These plaques are probably the most important plaques that i will ever own. Theyre from my all state days, my all State Choir days. It was just one huge choir of all the best singers in texas. And ive done that three times the third time, i actually got to put My Name, like, my Name Name on my plaque. The infamous Birth Certificate that i got when my friends gave me 300 to change My Name. This is my closet. A lot of colours. And, yeah, that thats my room its pink. Its very pink. Yeah, it sucks. But thats ok, because im going to be moving out, anyways. Im going to miss High School, im going miss High School a lot. I think the thing im going to miss the most isjust, like, having so many friends and connections with everyone. But i am looking forward to the next stage of my Life And Everything thats going to be happening next. Its going to be really exciting, im really excited. I have less than two weeks now till moving day. All the stuff im going to need. Ah its so cool, its my own card. Its a debit card, wow. Im excited to move out of my Parents House and into college, where i canjust be myself. At home, my family still uses my deadname and misgenders me. Being deadnamed and being mispronounced is a lot more serious, Being Deadnamed and being mispronouned is a lot more serious, a lot more on a deeper level thanjust, you know, the obvious. So, when you do get misidentified like that, its a slap in the face every single time it happens. I understand where they come from, when theyve never had a really close interaction with a trans person, and now their kid is one, so i can take the liberty to be like, 0k, like, i get it. Todays the day. Ah oh, my gosh. Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ok, so, im kind of teary eyed because ijust said goodbye to my parents. But this is it, im here. Im fine. Im just really excited, and this is all so new, so. This is really exciting. Later on, im going to be watching a movie with friends, so thats nice. Im going to freshen up first because ive been sweaty all day. Yeah, this. This is it. First day of college classes. My First Class is japanese, and im really excited and thats an in person class, so i get to go to the language building. Yay ijust got groceries for the first time and i legit forgot my card, so thats fun. I tried to get up, and i hit my head. Really hard. I love adulting im waking up early, im being productive. This is weird, i dont know, new environment. Ok, i dont even know where to begin. Long story short i wasnt getting messages because my Student Email changed from my deadname to my actual name. So, i had to re log in with my new email, and it finally got changed. Now ijust have to get my id changed, which i. I dont know how. One step at a time. My name is still not andi, legally. The only reason why is, i have such an innate fear of changing it because of, like, how my parents are going to react. Theres only so much that i can do to socially transition. I can cut my hair as short as i want, i can wear as much masculine clothing as i want, but thats all that i could do by myself. Ifeel more dysphoric now than i did before. The more that i know that ive been, physically, this way for as long as i have is breaking me down the more that time passes. Sometimes you cant even get up in the day, because you just feel extremely dysphoric. Despite all of the really bad stuff that ive been experiencing, ever since coming to college, its done so much good for me, because, obviously, people have been meeting me as andi. They have never known me before i came out, and this is literally theirfirst impression of me. For the past few months four months, i believe ive been dating someone. We met online, met over tinder, of course. He actually took the liberty to go and do research about being trans and, like, how it affects someone. It takes that one little Storm Cloud away from the rest of my giant thunderstorm. Its just one little thing i dont have to worry about any more. Christmas time in the bernabe household is. Fun in every other sense, but its outweighed by the fear of what im going to have to wear. Hello, it is currently Christmas Morning out on this beautiful day, on this bike that im low key Too Short for. Merry christmas, happy new year. Before, my family would take Christmas Pictures every single year. We would dress up fancy in the theme of whatever the Christmas Decorations were. Every year before this one, i would wear a dress. But this year, this year was so different because i wore a suit. In any other circumstance, i dont think i would be able to, but because our Christmas Decorations were pink for 2020, it gave me the perfect opportunity to be like, hey, mum, can i wear my Pink Suit for these Christmas Pictures, because its perfect and its perfect and everything . She also agreed. She was like, yeah, sure, you can wear that. Like, it matches perfectly. And im like. I really felt, like, normal. Like, it wasnt an argument, it wasnt like a thing i had to spend weeks convincing. It just. Itjust happened. These are like the special moments that people talk about when they think about theirfamily, and now i have one of those, so its its really cool. Its my 19th Birthday Today its been literally exactly a year since when my friends surprised me with the gift that they gave me. A year later, and My Name is still not legally andi. Fear really does do something to a person. Im in college, i obviously cannot pay this myself at the moment. I dont have a job, im trying to look for one, and so im currently depending on my parents to pay my tuition and things like that. Theres a possibility that they might not do that any more if i get my Name Changed. Or theres a possibility to where theyre going to ask me to have it changed back. So, Today Is The Day that im going home. Its currently like 6 00 something in the morning, and i am so exhausted. I think this weekend, im going to specifically bring up the topic of testosterone. Because i am at the age where i can go do that by myself. Im really nervous, honestly. It might get emotional, the conversation, but thats ok. This is nothing that i havent talked about before. So, its not like its anything new. Like, hello, im trans, out of nowhere. But, yeah, well see how it goes. The main point within the conversation that we had that weekend was that she does not feel comfortable with me making big decisions, like getting my Name Change or starting testosterone or getting my surgery, until i am mature. I one Day Hope that my mum realises, oh, shoot, this is serious. This is real. This is a valid thing that my child is going through, and im now realising that this is really important to them and that i need to be a supportive parent and help my kid be happy. Its not the last time that were going to have this conversation, thats just going to be a constant, constant thing thats its not the last time that were going to have this conversation, thats just going to be a constant, constant thing thats going to be happening, thats probably never going to stop happening. Its taken me a while to accept the fact that things just dont go as planned, and you just got to keep going despite that. Im finallyjust at the point where i can look back at myself and realise that ive become a lot more of myself. Im so glad that i didnt give up when i really, really, really wanted to because now im here. This is my story and this is who i am, and im honestly so glad that you all have, you know, come along with this ride with me and watched myjourney this past year. And i just wanted to say thank you. Hello. Its a bit of a day of mixed fortunes, weather wise. Many places started the day on quite a chilly but bright note with some sunshine and some of us, particularly in the east will keep some Sunny Spells through the course of the day, but there is rain in the forecast. Its moving its way gradually from west to east, so all part see some wet weather by The End of the day. Its all down to this area of low pressure, which is moving in from the atlantic. Quite an active cold front, so some heavy rain we have already seen across Northern Ireland, into the afternoon, pushing into wales and the south west of england, western Scotland And North West England as well. So this rain quite heavy with some squally winds associated with it, too. Whereas further east you will hold onto some spells of hazier sunshine for much of the day. 13 or 14 degrees in the brightest spells in the east, but Nearer Ii With The Rain and squally winds further west. Some heavy showers for Northern Ireland into the evening and then overnight we will see showers coming in across parts of england and wales. That main band of rain clears off the east coast, so clear spells with a few showers around. Still quite damp across the north of scotland and temperatures down into mid single figures. So another cool night, but not quite as cold as it was last night. Now, Mondays Weather driven by low pressure which is sitting right overhead through the day tomorrow. That could bring us some fairly slow moving, heavy and potentially thundery showers, particularly across parts of england and wales. Now, some of these showers could bring some hail, Thunder And Lightning and they could well be slow moving. Just a little breezy, so they are moving through quicker along the south coast. Cloud and outbreaks of patchy rain for northern scotland which will push into Northern Ireland at times through the day. Perhaps some sunshine for southern Scotland And Northern england. Temperatures just 13 or 14 degrees. Still rather cool this time of year. Into tuesday, Sunny Spells and scattered showers once again. Most frequent i think for scotland and eastern england, but nowhere immune to catching a Passing Shower and still only about 12 14 degrees for most of us on tuesday. But do bear with the weather. Theres a hint that things will change a little bit as we head through midweek onwards for this coming week and towards the bank holiday weekend. Some warmer and drier weather eventually on the cards. We could see 20 degrees, especially towards the south. And thats down to the fact that this area of high pressure sitting close to the azores will start to build across the uk towards The End of may. So certainly still a few more days of showery weather, but it does look like more settled weather is eventually going to be on the way. Goodbye. This is Bbc News with the latest headlines for viewers in the uk and around the world. Two doses of the main covid vaccines used in the uk are found to be highly effective against the indian variant of the virus. Government ministers deny claims, by the former downing Street Adviser dominic cummings, that they pursued a policy of Herd Immunity in dealing with the coronavirus in the early part of last year. The former Bbc Journalist Martin bashir defends his Panaorama Interview with princess diana, but apologises to Princes William and harry. Thousands were forced to flee their homes in the Democratic Republic Of Congo following a major volcanic eruption. Some are now returning home. Translation the volcano i is erupting and the population of goma are really worried. Its a really unusual Situation And Everyone is preparing, everyone is outside asking what is going to happen